Dear Agatha,
I thank God for you and your advice, which teaches women how to behave in our homes. I am a 26-year-old 2004 graduate, I finished my youth service in 2006 and since then I have not found employment. I am the only child of my parents who are now separated.
Though I am now married, I have so many issues with my husband. We were live-in lovers with two children until we decided on a court marriage last year after five years of living together.
At the initial stage of our relationship, my husband complained about my attitude to his family members. He accused me of not liking them. Since then I have been trying to adjust so much so, his sister now lives with us. She has been with us for over a year now.
Not once did the sister and I have any problem but my husband still thinks I don’t like his family members.
During the birthday anniversary of my first child, my mother came to help me with the arrangements. During the course of it, my husband and I had a little disagreement necessitating me to remind him that his house wasn’t my matrimonial home yet. My mother tried to mediate by trying to take my side and explain what she thought I meant by the statement.
At least, he didn’t exhibit his hurt at my statement at the party. I later apologised for my statement as well as my mother’s behaviour since I knew it wasn’t right for her to have so blatantly supported my position. I knew she was trying to make peace but went about it the wrong way. That was in 2006. Since then my husband has been very cold towards my mother. The two of them barely talk and I have tried to talk to my husband but he is not a very forgiving person. I feel bad because his mother too has made some very costly statements but I have refused to be offended by whatever she says.
My mother suffered so much to train me in school when my father neglected us, so it’s hurting because my mother deserves better from her son-in-law.
Since I am not working yet, I depend on him to send my family money for upkeep. But because we had some disagreement last Christmas, when he accused me of being only interested in him because of the money I get from him, I protested the idea of him sending money to my family through his. I told him it would only make me more vulnerable to his family. I reminded him that if he is of the view that I am with him because of money, what will his family think? More so, it wasn’t proper for them to know how much he sends to my family.
Although he later sent the money separately, he is insisting he won’t do that again, that it was primitive of me to think his family capable of thinking like that.
I have tried to talk to him but he is shunning me that right now I am beginning to get tired of the whole thing we call marriage. Apart from all I have said, he is difficult to please, always wanting things done his way. When I do things his way, he will still complain.
Please, what should I do since I don’t want to be divorced like my mother?
Hurting wife.
Dear Hurting Wife,
First, I want you to appreciate one thing that no marriage is free of challenges. What usually makes the difference is the determination and selflessness couples, especially the women, put into making it work.
It is obvious that you and your husband didn’t take time out to study each other before taking the decision to live together, have children and marry. There wasn’t much time for you especially to study the man you would end up spending the rest of your life with.
Although you have made the mistake, you can still do a lot to remedy the situation. And it is to do what you didn’t do from the beginning. If there is anything you have achieved staying with him for this long, it is to know his person. You know he is difficult, hard to please, unforgiving and all the other things you don’t like in a man. What about those things he is good at? For instance, despite his attitude towards your mother, he is still concerned enough to send money to her for her upkeep. It is commendable on his part because not every man would do this.
A lot of men would have made sure you felt the impact of your lack of job by refusing to help with the upkeep of your family. That he is doing it without complaining shows that whatever his other faults are, he cares sufficiently for you. It will do you a lot of good to always remember this and commend him for it. No matter how nasty and unappreciative he is, the fact that he does this for you without complaining or making you beg for it underscores your importance in his life. By learning to show appreciation for what he is doing for your family, you point him in the direction you want him to go without fighting him or nagging. He may not catch on to it immediately but showing courtesy and appreciation for whatever he does for you will, after a while, teach him to say thank you too. It takes patience and selflessness on your part to get him to be the kind of man you want.
So, going back to the drawing board is to take stock of what you don’t like about him, what you find outstanding and those things you instinctively know that you cannot change about him.
The essence is to help you know which area of his character you should concentrate effort on, which will at the end of the day aid in the stability of your marriage.
Another way to convince him of your openness to his family is to request to visit his mother. On the surface, this may not appear appealing or the best of ideas but when you consider the fact that these are people you cannot avoid, people who have been part of his life and whom he appears to be very attached to, getting him to thaw his attitude towards your own mother is for him to see that you have nothing against his people. It isn’t enough for you to wait until they come to you, visit them in their own territory. You don’t have to like his mother but you must endure her nastiness and attitude for the sake of your own happiness in her son’s life as well as those of your children. It is one of the many sacrifices you have to make to stay happy in this marriage.
Spending one week with your mother-in-law will not kill you. Being a woman yourself, you will one day find yourself in her position and would expect your daughter-in-law, no matter what, to recognise your contributions to the life of your son. Do it, not because you want to but for the reason that you have to.
Even though some mothers-in-law are unpleasant, if she sees make a genuine effort at loving and accommodating her, she has the influence to make her son drop some of the annoying behaviours towards you. But you have to spread out your arms like a child to her before she can help you.
Having lived with him for some years now, don’t you think it is time you changed your method of approach to issues? Common sense demands that when one method isn’t working we try another one. Getting angry with him won’t get him to change, rather it would make him more determined in his ways. By learning to ignore certain things, you give yourself more attempts at peaceful resolution to your differences.
Also, there is the need for you to impress it on him to open up a business for you. Let him know that doing so would take the pressure off him asthe sole provider of everything at home. To be frank, the pressures may at times make him behave out of character.
As for your mother, allow it to run for now. Don’t force it. Continue to plead with your mother who is the more matured one. Overtime, things would work out, especially if you learn to pray more and depend on God for His presence and intervention in your home.
Good luck.
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