She Returns From Her Trip Abroad Without Informing Me…

Dear Agatha, 

I am facing a problem which I need you to help me out. First it started with my knowing this lady I am interested in, but lacks the clue on how best to approach her. We talk, all right, but I haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. 

Recently she travelled to undergo a computer-training programme in the States (US) where her elder brother stays. During her stay there, we were constantly in touch, speaking almost every day on the phone just to know how the other was faring. 

To my hurt and pain, she returned to town without even bothering to inform me. You can therefore imagine my surprise when, unexpectedly, I ran into her. 

I didn’t show my pain, but agreed to see her later that day. I really intended to declare my love to her, but on getting to her place she couldn’t even stay for two minutes with me. She only told me she would still be travelling the following week.

Please Agatha, what do I do in a case like this? I am confused.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man,

Get it off your chest. Let her know you are interested in her. As it is now, beyond friendship there is nothing binding the two of you together. Even if she suspects your interest in her, the fact that you haven’t told her anything makes her not accountable to you.

As it is now, you are just a person she constantly chats with on the phone and whom she sees occasionally. If she didn’t tell you when she got back into town, it is because she doesn’t feel the need to inform you of her movement. 

Besides, she could be involved with someone else, the reason she doesn’t want you around her. It is one thing to constantly speak with you on the phone and another thing to have you visit her at home. While she can still explain her phone conversation with you as being from a friend, having you visit her will definitely be difficult to explain especially to a suspicious minded boyfriend. And she won’t be telling lie if she calls you a friend, because until the point you explain your interest in her to her, you are indeed a friend. For all she knows you might simply be someone who really wants to be friends with her, after all not every friendship between the man and woman must end in romance.

Rather than allow her go for the second time without registering your interest, if she is still around, go immediately to her to declare your true intentions. Tell her in whatever way you are comfortable that you are interested in having her as your special woman. Outline your reasons as clearly as you can. 

Confide your fear as well as confusion over her attitude towards you, especially the bit about her coming back to town without telling you even when you both talk frequently over the phone. By letting her know how much her attitude affected you emotionally, you are indirectly underscoring the depth of your relationship with her and how much every decision of hers affects you.

Because the two of you are trying to begin something new, the distance may not do your relationship any good, hence the need for you to find out what her plans are, if it includes relocating to where she did her computer programme. Knowing what her plans for the future would aid the two of you in working out the advantages your different ideas and personalities offer the relationship.

Once you are able to get rid of the fears inside you, pray for God’s wisdom and direction, what you should do and say would be clearer to you.

Good luck. 

Our Planned Trip To The Altar Causes Family Rancour…

Dear Agatha,

I am a boy of 27 years, Yoruba by tribe from a polygamous background. I came to know a lady about two years ago who incidentally is a cousin to my half brothers, one thing led to another and we started dating even though secretly. Last month we decided to make our relationship known to the world by taking the most reasonable step anybody in our age bracket will want to do, which is marriage.

 Both of us are employed with good prospects and so we thought our parents would be overjoyed at our decisions, but alas everybody has turned against us including my stepmother, her mother, my half-brothers, it’s only her father that seems to be supporting us on this issue.

 Please, Agatha, I need your candid advice. Is it a sin or a crime to date her? I need your advice as the lady has threatened to elope with me if we don’t have our parental blessings on this.

 O.A.

Dear O.A.,

In the part of the country I come from, and I did consult too, there is nothing wrong in the two of you getting married since there is no blood connection whatsoever between the two of you. 

However, both of you made a fundamental mistake in not first confiding in some influential people within the family. It was a technical error to come out in the open without first securing the support of some elders and youths who are the arrow heads in your family. 

It is called family politics. The resentment and vehemence in which both of you are being rejected stems from the perceived slight those who traditionally hold the power balance in your family think you have of them. Nobody wants to relinquish power willingly and some people flourish best when they are made the centre of focus within the family; they want to be the first to know everything and act as the clearing house for everything. Because you both failed to factor in their importance, recognize their vital roles and positions in your two families, they would work towards ensuring that nothing is achieved until both of you come back to base.

Honestly, without what we secretly term their meddlesomeness in intricate family affairs like the one you are facing, such issues will never be resolved amicably. 

These are the people you have to go back to; first to apologise and court their support as well as understanding. On account of this initial mistake, don’t stop at just identify these people; go with preferred gifts for them. The intention is not only to get their support but to break their ranks. Your visit may not totally erase the opposition, but would breakup the strength of the opposition, gaining you more support. 

Besides, you will get to learn more of the reason for their objection as well as gain the chance of educating them on why marriage between the two of you isn’t forbidden. You both could also use her father’s support to your advantage. His daughter should appeal to him to reach out too on your behalf.

Breaking up the opposition would see your side growing in strength which at the end of the day would make near consensus possible as it would water down resentment against you and your girlfriend. 

Eloping with her shouldn’t be the first course of action, but the last, if reasons fail to prevail. Besides since the father is on your side, you both don’t have to elope. With his support, a quiet wedding can be done in the registry. 

But is important you both go first to God to ask for His assistance especially going by the massive opposition to your union. 

Even though you are not bothered about it all, good sense demands you should take time to listen to all these complaints. In the interest of the uncertainty of tomorrow, critically examine those you think are worth considering. Both of you should do what must be done to avoid the danger signals to prevent those waiting for your downfall from having the last laugh. 

When a relationship is confronted with so much opposition, it needs plenty of prayers and wisdom to survive on account of those whose desire is for it to crash so that they can say, I told you so. It also requires both of you to be sure of what you are going into, ensuring that all the things that could be a threat to the relationship is honestly discussed and sorted out.

Family ties are usually the hardest to confront and defeat, because they have information no outsider has about your life, hence knows where one is the weakest. But going round to plead for support would help thin out those who are determined to make it their business it doesn’t succeed. The polygamous home is most time a slippery and treacherous ground to step on. Unless firm in God and equipped in His wisdom, you risk falling into a deliberately set up life wire.

It would make a lot of differences if you first commit your trips to these decision makers within your family to the able hands of God.

Even where the opposition is maliciously motivated, God’s presence in your life and relationship will help you both overcome. 

Good luck. 

She Threatens My Plan To Graduate Without Tasting Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age. I need your advice on how to avoid sex in any serious relationship until I am a graduate. There is this girl in my department who has been helping me academically. She is madly in love with me and has been showing her intention to sleep with me despite having a boyfriend, who is a banker. I am also in love with her, but can’t date someone else’s girlfriend. And moreover I don’t want to jeopardise my future. 

Is sex fun? Is sex good? What benefits will I garner if I start indulging in it now? How will I gather the experience, and be able to satisfy my future wife, if I don’t now? 

Worried Boy.

Dear Worried Boy, 

Sex is fun when done within the bounds of marriage. It is one of the best gifts God gave to mankind. It is intended to cement a relationship between man and woman. 

Experience comes naturally and is especially fulfilling when done with the right and trustful person. 

At 20, you may not be ripened enough for the consequences of indulging in the act. With the sweetness of the act lie many dangers. There is the danger of the woman getting pregnant which means you risk becoming a premature father and drowning all your good plans for your future, even if it is for a while.

There is also the danger of you contacting any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Some of these diseases do lead to sterility if not detected at its early stage. 

This, plus the fact that premarital sex do more damage to a relationship that is just beginning, is the reason many young people are now being advised to stay off it. 

One of the major drawbacks of premarital sex is the inability of the couple to relate, build their relationship along the lines of true friendship. Many a time, issues, which should be properly discussed and eliminated from the relationship, are pushed aside by sex. Unfortunately, it gets to a point in the relationship when sex alone can no-longer resolve recognized crises in a relationship. By then, most couples find, to their dismay that they lack other forms of communicating and resolving issues between them; more often than not the result is the couple going their different ways when the issues become too overwhelming for them. 

As for the girl, allow her be. No matter what she wants, be resolute. She belongs to another man. If she wants sex outside her relationship, let her get it elsewhere and not from you. Don’t come between them. 

Good luck.

Her Dossier As Ex-whore Awes Me

 Dear Agatha,

Let me first of all thank you for your selfless efforts in giving quality advice to people you don’t even know. I am a regular reader of your splendid articles and am convinced you have affected so many lives positively. God will continue to give you the most needed knowledge and wisdom to carry on.

 

I?m a Nigerian living in The Netherlands, have what it takes to get married at this ripe time, but there is something bothering my mind. I would love to marry a Nigerian woman, not a foreigner. 

I am in love with a Nigerian girl here whom I later discovered has been traumatised. She was a victim of human trafficking, forced into prostitution.

I’ve tried to help her come out from her past, but the more I try the more things get worst. From all indications, she?s still dwelling in her past, because most of her attitudes reflect the presence of unsolved psychological problems.

 

My question is this, do you think is possible for her to come out of her past and embrace the present and future? And in your sincere opinion, is it advisable for me to marry an ex-prostitute?

Please help me out.

Diaspora Nigerian.

Dear Diaspora Nigerian, 

What I think has nothing to do with what you feel for this woman. The power of love is such a great thing that it can forgive anything. Hence whatever anybody says or does is immaterial, provided you have the guts and passion to make it work for both of you. Besides, we all come condemned. At least with her, you know what you are going into unlike in other situations where you think the person you are involved with is a saint only to discover the person is Lucifer’s incarnate. 

A lot of the time, it is the person we have become that has the essence in life, not the mistakes we made in the past. If her mistake is prostitution and she has repented, who is anybody to condemn whom God hasn’t?

If her offence doesn’t include prostituting her body again, then every other thing she is going through or doing can be resolved by both of you. What is important here is the amount of love you in particular have for this woman. 

Because you are going to have the challenge of living with the stigma of her past, you must be sure of your feelings to prevent causing her greater psychological harm. Should you abandon the marriage midway on account of not being able to tolerate any more memories of her past life, you could send her to her abyss. Therefore be sure you know what you feel and is contemplating going into. 

Again, it would help if you make her go over again the details of her life from the time she can remember to the time you both met. The information is essential to help you know what to do and where to concentrate efforts in the task of re-habilitating her.

Don’t forget that prostitution wasn’t something she planned on when she came to Europe, but found herself being forced into it by the people she trusted cum with the unfriendly circumstances of her host country. Unless naturally promiscuous, many women who go into prostitution are never happy doing it, hence it causes them to develop psychological problem, because it takes something special for a woman to open herself to any man. 

When she is forced to endure the presence, attention and involvement of so many men in her life, it makes her feel inferior and abused. After years of enduring the attention of different men, most of whom are drunks, demand situations of her which in ordinary circumstances should never be made to do, meeting a man who finally decides to treat her like a woman would take a lot of time getting used to.

You are a different ball game, showing her another side of man, one who condemns her body and soul. Right now, she can’t believe you are for real at all, because she is still asking herself the question ‘why her’ when you can get any woman you like to marry.

Sincerely, she is finding it difficult to place the woman she had hoped to be side-by-side with the woman she is now and trying to have an image of the woman you are trying to make her be. 

Don’t also ignore the fact that someone’s promise to her got her into prostitution, now you are coming with another promise, can she trust you to help her out of the woods of doom someone callously plunged her into? 

Until she is sure of who you are and what your real intentions are, the battle of whether to trust someone with her life once again or continue in the one she has been forced into would continue to go on in her mind. 

As a man ready to spend the rest of his life with her, there are certain things you must do not just declarations. You must go beyond the level of telling her you love her to acting it. The first real challenge for both of you is to go with her to those places she frequented, where her trade is known to declare through demonstration your desire to make an honest woman out of her. If not convinced of your intentions before, allowing yourself to be seen with her in her former business district, cuddling her and acting as if she is the only woman alive, would help reduce the tension of anxiety she feels each time she remembers the past and the new future you plan with her. 

You have to help her recover her courage to face the world with the little dignity she has. You have to offer her a foolproof blanket of undiluted love and true friendship, enough to make her relax and truly hope for the first time in a long while to hope for something good.

No number of re-habilitation homes can do what your love can do for her. It is only a true, selfless, patient and tolerant person that can drag the defeated woman who has been buried deep inside her out of the image of the woman before you. The real person died the day she went into peddling her body to satisfy the greed and tricky nature of those who lured her abroad and the trade she was forced into. 

Don’t forget she lost her dignity as a woman as well as respect for herself in the process of doing this. 

It will take the grace of God as well as your unreserved attention to make her come completely bury the painful memories of that time of her life. 

Even in making love to her, you have to show some decency and sensitivity to her mood. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to assume that having been a prostitute she must know what you want in the bedroom. No! Pretend, if you have to do that, she is coming to you with fresh credentials. Pamper her with every attention as well as making sure you don’t appear to be too desperate to go to bed with her, if you haven’t committed the mistake already. Give her time to get used to you, show her what true courtship is, before bringing up the issue of sex if you must. And when with her, make it appear as if it’s the first time for her by showing her consideration every step of the way. This you can achieve by asking her questions about her preferences, whether you are hurting her or not even when you know you are not as well as allowing her a say in the way things go between the two of you.

There is also the need for you at every point to remind her of the quality of your love. With her you must say and do it together to help her overcome the psychological and emotional problems she has harboured for long.

Because all these emotions took some time to build up, it would also take time for it to vanish. Don’t expect instant transformation, because this isn’t a movie, but a real life situation. Expect her to, from time to time, fall into depression and self-loathing, but with you by her side she would eventually heal as long as you are honest enough on this issue. 

Sincerely, if you have made up your mind to marry this woman, do so and stop worrying about what anybody would say, and please don’t discuss the issue of her past life with anybody again. The most important thing is for you to be sure she is the right woman for you. 

If you have doubts, please don’t hesitate to go to God in prayers and total supplications. He is the only one able to direct you appropriately.

Good luck. 

Mum Won’t Wait For My Student Lover…

Dear Agatha,  

I am a lady of 24 years of age in a two-year old relationship with a guy of same age. I am a graduate while he is still in school, 200 Level, to be precise, but the issue is that we’re so much in love with each other. His greatest fear is that someday I’ll become impatient and eventually leave him. 

My mother is against the relationship and she isn’t hiding it. Few weeks back, she brought up the issue again and made me realize that she won’t support it at all.

Agatha, what do you think I do? I don’t know how to confront this guy with the situation of things? I can’t afford to hurt him?

Please advise me on this issue before I take the wrong step.

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl, 

First, he has to know the truth concerning your mother’s opposition to him and why she is against the relationship. There is no way you can continue to protect him from the knowledge of your mother’s hostility to the relationship. Telling him yourself would help him appreciate the situation, but if he finds out from your mother, it would only complicate things between the two of you as he would lack the necessary patience to find out if the resentment is against his person or the fact that as a woman, you may not have the time to wait for him to finish schooling, go for one year mandatory service to nation and get a job before he is ready for the challenges of marriage. 

To be candid, your mother’s worry isn’t misplaced. At 22, you may seem to have all the time in the world to wait for this man to be ready, but think with as much clarity as you can, having finished schooling, do you think it is possible to wait for him to finish studying and go through all the processes of being ready? 

The natural order of things is for the man to wait for the woman to be ready to have good start in the relationship and not the woman waiting for the man. 

One of the fears of your mother, which is justified, given the unpredictable nature of human beings, is the guarantee of this man keeping to his end of the promise. What if after waiting patiently for him he abandons you for a much younger person? What would be your fate especially as you would have forgone very credible and promising proposals?

Your mother needs assurances that her daughter would not be left high and dry. She speaks from experience of one who has seen it all. You may not like her stance on this issue, but be patient enough to reason with her. Unlike you, she is far from the scene, which makes it easier for her to take in the whole set at a time, because unlike you, who is only able to view the close up of a tiny segment of the entire stage. 

Your mother isn’t saying you cannot date the boy, but that the circumstances of dating him aren’t right. Had you being the one still in school, she may have no reason to be worried. 

Rather than retort her opposition, look at her reasons. Yes, you are definitely in real love to want to put your life on the hold for him, but you must be sure he is worth this sort of sacrifice at the end of the day. So that he won’t turn around to make you feel like a complete fool for deciding to wait for him to be ready. 

Though life has no guarantee, but you must make the efforts to work at securing your happiness. 

For now, it would do you both a world of good to keep the relationship open, no committal promises that might be difficult for you especially to keep. Being a woman, your life isn’t as elastic as that of the man, at whatever age a man desires, he can still marry and make babies with the same efforts he uses while breathing in and out. Not so for a woman, whose biological clock is fixed by the Creator to last but for a period (from menarche to menopause). Medically, you are in your best years when you are most likely to incur any risk at child-birth. By the time you are in your 30s, the alarms are up, ready to go off. This is the reality of a woman’s life, and no amount of love can change it.

So in waiting for him to be ready, you must get real. For how long are you expected to wait? Is it until he finishes his education, which barring any ugly incident, would be in two years from now, assuming he is studying a four-year course? The years would stretch to three years if he is lucky to follow the first batch of NYSC members, but if not, that is extra two years. Be honest, can you wait for the extra years of uncertainties generated by the need to work, make enough to set up a home and care for the family irrespective of how much you are willing to offer to the building of the home?

Both of you must sit to discuss this friends, it is the only way you can make something out of this situation. If you both insist on talking as a couple in a relationship, the sentiments of lovers would come to blind fold you both to the reality of the situation ahead of you. 

But when you two talk as friends, you help yourselves acquire the needed understanding to move on. 

Good luck. 

How Can I Choose Between Two Lovers?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing. I want to share what I am currently passing through with you. I have had this friend for quite some time now. He has been asking me to marry him but unfortunately, I don’t have any feeling for him. There is another man I am in love with; we have been on for 18 months now. He is also asking me to marry him; the problem is that I am still running my part-time programme which makes the prospect of being a wife and probably mother unappealing now. Besides I am just 23 years of age. What do I do and how best do I handle this matter?

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,

The question is, what do you want now? There is no way you will get around this problem if you are confused about your own desires and dreams. 

Life is about having a workable scale of preference; one though subject to minor changes but with very definite focus. Obviously you lack a clear agenda of what you want and the time you want them accomplished. 

This is why you cannot be précised about what you want. With a defined focus comes passion for honesty.  This is because deep within you, you know that without sticking to the truth always, the chances of you ever accomplishing your dream would become nullity. 

If you don’t love the first guy, why are you still keeping him, giving him the impression you do and allowing him to build hopes that apparently doesn’t exist? What is the essence of nurturing a relationship you know deep down you are not interested in? What is preventing you from being honest with this man and freeing him to pursue something with a woman who will be serious with him?

At what age do you think you would be ready for marriage? The issue you raised about not being able to cope with your education as well as being a wife and mother appears not to be the main thing; at least not as important as the subject of your age. You must clear this little confusion to enable you have clear insight into the challenge at hand. 

Had you being older and you find yourself in these circumstances you think are now insurmountable, would you still be so confused on which direction to go?

If you actually love this man as you claim, you won’t still be cheating on him with your first boyfriend. You would have stopped whatever thing, no matter how causal with the first man. It is called respect for the man in your life. If despite your claims about not being in love with your first boyfriend, you are still keeping the relationship alive, it only means that you don’t love this second man at all. It is also a clear indication that you don’t even know what love is; that you are instead in love with the idea of being in love. 

True love will never deliberately do anything to hurt the feelings of the other party. It comes with a kind of friendship that seeks to protect the other person from hurt and pains. It also comes with tremendous kind of sacrifices.

Therefore you must know what you feel for this man to enable you make the right decision. 

It is only when you know this that you will know the kind of choices and sacrifices you have to make. 

To help you, try to answer these questions with as much honesty as you can. Do you see yourself going old, wrinkled and grey with this man? Do you think he has that extra-special quality to bring out the best in you and you in him, no matter the prevailing circumstances? 

Relationship and marriage go beyond two people performing the ritual of signing dotted lines. The coming together must go beyond the physical to the spiritual. It must get to the souls of the persons to be worthwhile. 

It is only when you see yourself in the body of that person that will have the zeal to do the unusual. The question is how much of yourself do you see in this man?

Your hesitation at his offer is instructive hence the urgent need for you to be introspective. What has your age got to do with it? Is it that you feel you still have time to make another choice or some time to enjoy your freedom before going into all those responsibilities marriage come with?

If it is just a case of trepidation on account of all the tasks that come with the wedding ring, these problems can be managed with the right kind of planning. It is simply a matter of you and your man agreeing on what you both want for now. There is a law that says you must have a baby in the first year of your marriage. Even if the society and family want you to, it is still the prerogative of you and your man to decide on when to. 

If he agrees, you could finish school before having a baby to make things easy for you. Another way out is to have someone or a paid help come live with you to assist you with the house chores. 

Besides, if you and your husband have the perfect understanding as well as healthy respect for your unique roles in the house, he can help with the domestic work to ease the burden on you.

You must however discuss your inherent fears with him as well as solicit for his understanding and appreciation; not assume he is bound to do it. 

But if your concern comes from not being sure of the whole business of marriage now, don’t try to force yourself into something you are not sure of. Be bold enough to share your fears and conclusions with him. This way, you save yourself and him some very stressful moments in life. This is essential because marriage is a journey of a lifetime and you must do everything in the beginning of its journey to avoid regrets and lamentation. 

Above all, go to God in prayers for His leading and instruction on the best way to go.

Good luck. 

My Wife Has Strange Fantasies

Dear Agatha

I am a 32-year-old consultant in a private company; who was once a happy man and a delight to his spouse of four years. She is 34 and a banker in Lagos. 

Our problem started last year; April to be précise. On our way to Badagry beach, she tried to fondle my manhood while driving. I stopped her immediately due to the sensitive nature of my position. 

When we got to the beach, she refused to relate with me like before and instead rebuffed every move or advance I made towards her. I tried to make her understand the reasons behind my actions but she rejected it; not even when I told her it was to avoid an accident on the road. 

The matter seemed to have died when we got home and made love in our usual manner. But I got irritated when she requested for oral sex. I found it strange because in our four years of marriage, she has never made such a request. Personally, I find it very irritating.

Needless to say, that night ended in us quarrelling. Agatha, since then I have not known peace in my home as nothing I do excites her anymore. 

She has also taken to denying me sex; thereby endangering my love, sex life and most importantly my faithfulness to her. I have exhausted all avenues I know to revive this union but all my efforts so far have proved abortive. Besides, I feel shy to tell our pastor or our parents this incident. Please advise me because I am making moves to end this marriage. Though, I still love her seriously but this past nine months seem like eternity to me. 

Jide.

Dear Jide, 

Marriage is always a tough journey; one that can only succeed if the couple has the passion to make compromises. There are no perfect marriages but perfect determination to make it work at all cost.

From all that you have said, it is obvious you and your woman are ignorant of how to achieve the best in your love life. It is so clear you both lack the right kind of language to use in the bedroom. If she wants oral sex and you don’t want it, it shouldn’t cause any problem if you both have the right kind of attitude. 

If you are driving and she craves for the excitement of having you right there and then, what stopped you from parking in a quiet area of the road to express yourselves? Sex doesn’t have to be planned or done in an organised setting always. Marriage is all about excitement and spontaneity. Sex in marriage becomes dull and very unexciting when it has a familiar pattern and setting. To keep it alive and stop either party from looking beyond the bounds of marriage, couples must learn to interpret and express it differently.

Instead of brushing aside her hand when she indicated her desire for you at that point, a lot would have been achieved if you had told her as lovingly as possible that you are looking for a quiet place to park the car to avoid an accident. You should have allowed her hand to rest on you, slow down the speed of the car, to allow her that time she needs to feel you. After all, you were both going for a leisure ride so what was the hurry and who was watching? At any rate, you are married, with legitimate reasons to feel and do what you like. 

Even though it may appear unreasonable, especially as her actions could cause you to have an accident, your destination could have made her horny for you. You should have known how to receive her advances and not make her feel cheap by pushing away her longing. Though it may not have been intended by you, your gesture communicated irritation and rejection to her. 

And when you also failed to make love in that particular way she wanted that night it only served to confirm whatever opinion she may have come up with. That you had never made love in that manner doesn’t mean there is no trying it if only for the purpose of pleasing her. 

Both of you must rise above this self thing and embrace unified interest for the sake of your marriage. Throwing in the towel on account of this issue isn’t a solution because out there are women who also have ideas on how they want to be handled in bed. That she asked you to do it means it is something she had always craved for but bottled up for four years before allowing it to spill. One thing you should appreciate about her demand is the fact that she enjoyed that position in her past. At the point she demanded for it, is the peak of her resistance. She could no longer bear it. Rather than condemn her for expressing her preference, you should have obliged her by allowing her to teach you something new. At that point you should have been ready to compromise to appease her for that moment before explaining your aversion to it if there was any reason for it in the first place. By rejecting her proposition at that sensitive time, you unwittingly rejected her person and made mockery of her vulnerability. Many a time we discard wonderful suggestions based on our limited knowledge at the time and all because often time, we are too shy to ask for information. 

Ethics of marriage and good sex life in a marriage demand you should strive to please your spouse always, especially when it comes to sex to prevent the aggrieved party from seeking for emotional solace in the arms of an outsider. 

If you persistently refuse to oblige and take into consideration her emotional feelings and desire she would begin to suspect you of having an affair outside the home or that you find her unattractive.  

One thing you seem to be forgetting is your age difference. The fact that she is two years older than you, could make her begin to direct her thoughts in the wrong directions. She may begin to think you are finding her unattractive or too experienced for you. The earlier you take steps to correct this, the better for your marriage. 

There is no marriage without a definite problem. Both of you must find a way of patenting your marriage by coming together to freely discuss your differences. They may appear sharp but can be dulled if both of you have the dedication to make things happen. Sex is fundamental and must be treated with all the honesty and sensitivity it requires. Ideally in marriage, there should be no holds barred whatsoever when it comes to the degree of sexual enjoyment a couple should have. Marriage is meant to break down every inhibition between a man and woman at that point and if a party begins to feel that his or her partner lacks the maturity or open-mindedness to cope, it is bound to generate the kind of problems you are having in your home. 

Be humble enough to accept the fact that you didn’t handle this thing well. Humility is about subjecting yourself to the wishes of others. Apologise to her, and learn to listen to the many things she isn’t saying about the quality of sex she is getting from you. She wants more of different things and not of a particular thing. She wants to be made love to and not had sex with. There is a huge difference between love-making, which is a complete pack and sex, which is just part of the package.

Asking for oral sex comes with the package of love-making. It would do you both a world of good to listen to the salient things you are too busy in your different worlds to pay attention to. Being Christians doesn’t preclude a couple from taking full advantage of all the angles making love offers.

Don’t be shy to discuss with your pastor. He is trained by his callings to deal with such matters. 

 

Good luck.

To Him, Woman Only Takes Orders, Not More…

Dear Agatha, 

I thank God for creating your kind of person into this world. You are wonderful. Thanks and keep the good work up. I am confused, kindly help me. There is this guy I am currently going out with. He stays in Abuja while I reside in Port Harcourt. 

When I met him, he only told his name, state of origin as well as occupation, and nothing more.   Whenever I asked him questions about his family or anything about him, he becomes very angry so much so we would end the day with quarrel. 

But he demands to know everything about me, while I don’t know anything about him. He said it’s wrong for a lady to ask questions. Is it true? Am I not supposed to know the details about the person I’m going out with? Please help me. 
Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl, 

It isn’t true that a woman isn’t supposed to ask questions about her man. As a matter of fact it is the right of both man and woman to know about the nature and identity of the persons they are dating.

It is abnormal for him to get angry on account of you wanting to know more about him. He isn’t an image or transit visitor in your life. He is the person you are dating and possibly hoping to spend the rest of your life with. If he wants to know everything about you, why is he keeping information away from you?

As it stands now, you are dating an image of this man, because you know next to nothing about him. The information you have on him is nothing to go by at all. 

The next time you see him and makes demands on him to know more about him and he gets angry, let him understand that you cannot function or comfortable with the little information you have of him. Let him see your discomfort at the whole thing. If a man is secretive about what is common knowledge to his employers and acquaintances, what guarantees do you have that he would share more fundamental information about his life before meeting you or allow to share in his current life? 

At this point you really have nothing to lose, but so much more to gain by insisting on being treated right. It is either he opens up to you or there is no relationship. The danger of ignoring this warning sign is that he will never treat you with the respect you deserve, insist on you making all the sacrifices while he acts as the imperial master in a relationship that you are supposed to be the most important person to him. 

It is obvious he has an attitude problem, one that would prevent him from seeing you as a concomitant part of him. Much as the final decision lies with you the simple truth about all these is that, even if you have what it takes to endure all the emotional torture now, it would get to a point of resenting him and everything he represents as a result of his dictatorial attitude. 

Relationship is about two persons coming together in trust and respect. If he has any respect for you, he would learn to trust you with information about himself. Information is the first step towards the bonding of a man and woman. If you don’t have information about him, how would you be able to defend the stranger you are involved with? It is the amount of information you have of him that will reduce the distance of the two of you being complete strangers. 

My advice is for you to think twice before allowing this relationship to grow deeper than it is to prevent avoidable emotional aches, especially on your side. 

It is either he learns to treat you with the respect you deserve now or terminate the association.

Good luck. 

Dying For Her Younger Sister While She Pesters Me…

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I have feelings for, though I’m yet to make my intentions known to her. But her elder sister clandestinely parades herself as my lover. She keeps on disturbing me with calls of affection. 

I have no feelings for her whatsoever, because in her younger sister I see everything I want in my woman and I want to express my feelings to her.

How do I stop this troublesome lady without offending the one I love? 

Ajai.

Dear Ajai, 

Since you intend dating the younger sister, be careful you don’t alienate and antagonise her too much. Don’t condemn her for falling in love with you. Like you, she has a right to fall in love. It is unfortunate that you aren’t in a position to return her feelings, but don’t make it appear as something that she should not feel, should not have happened at all. 

The body chemistry is something we don’t have control over. It chooses for us and not us choosing for it. One of the greatest problems you can cause for yourself and this young lady is to mock her for falling in love with you. Remember the old saying that hell has not fury as a woman’s scorn.  Ridiculing her feelings would pitch you against her, making it difficult for you to pursue anything with her younger sister who may, out of fear and solidarity for the family image, reject you for hurting her sister.

What you should therefore do is to be nice to her. Call her to appreciate her interest in you. Follow that by regrets at your inability to reciprocate her feelings for you as well as the explanations that you lack what it takes to give her the kind of happiness her kind of woman deserves. Also tell her she has the qualities that would make a man happy, and that you pray she finds the kind of man that has that special quality to bring out the best in her. 

To demonstrate your regrets, inform her of your desire to be just a friend to her, but for the time being, don’t allow her have any inkling about your interest in her younger sister. To do that would be to cause a major problem for all concerned. 

To help her get over you, use the opportunity of the truce between the two of you to pair her up with a friend of yours, who is really nice, single and caring. Someone you feel could develop something serious with her. The truth remains that you cannot afford to be nasty or haughty to her, not if you are really in love with her younger sister. 

The plain truth is that if you don’t take the time out to properly settle her emotional problems, you will not be able to get through to her sister. 

Because she met and declared her interest in you first, she would always claim to have first call on your time and emotions. So engaging her interest in a rewarding relationship is the only way to ensure her sister gets the freedom to fall in love with you too. 

You must do everything to get on her good side to be able to get through to her sister. 

And in your interest be sure what you feel for the younger sister is true love and not a lustful feeling to get into bed with her. If you are not sure, please don’t try getting onboard to prevent damage in the relationship of these two sisters. 

Good luck. 

No Man Talks Altar Deal Without Sex…

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years old and still a virgin.  My problem is that all the men coming to propose marriage are all requesting to have sex with me, but I don’t want to until I am married. 

Please help me.

Good.    

Dear Good, 

The choice of what to do is yours. But it is imperative you keep your virginity, because doing so would not only honour your pride as a woman when you eventually marry, but allow you and your man focus on the important business of building a relationship.

Many a time, pre-marital sex shadows the important business of discovering your individualities, strengths and weaknesses as a couple. Issues that should have been properly trashed out, end up being given temporary amnesia by sex until it builds up to a point it can no longer be managed.  By that time, sex is no longer able to serve as a quality tool to bond. 

Any man who loves you would want to wait, respect your feelings, and refuse to give in for the sake of your happiness. 

Good luck.

All Set For The Altar, But Her Genotype

Dear Agatha, 

First, I would like to thank you for the way you respond to other people’s problems. And I pray God Almighty continues to bless you and your family as well as give you more wisdom in Jesus name.

I’m one of your numerous readers and have a very big problem eating me up. I would like you to help me sort the problem out as early as possible. 

I’m a 29-year-old orphan from a family where I have no sibling. Recently, I travelled to the village and one of my aunts told me about a girl she would like me to get married to. When I saw her, I felt madly in love with her and immediately promised her marriage, because I saw in her all I have lost in life: father, mother, brother, sister and dear wife. 

I even went ahead to pay her bride price. But before doing so, I demanded to know what her genotype is, and she told me, ‘AA.’ I didn’t have any reason not to believe her.  When we came down to Lagos, she went for another test, which puts her as being ‘AS’ and not ‘AA’ as earlier thought.  

I knew she must have made a mistake the first time. I was naturally devastated, but decided to keep the result to myself for some days before telling her what the result was. 

The major challenge is that we have fixed both the traditional and white weddings for Easter period and that she is carrying my baby inside of her. 

Please do help me, and advise me on what to do. I am ‘AS’ and would also like to find out if there is any side effect to it.

Worried Man. 

Dear Worried Man, 

Your options are limited by the fact of her being pregnant. And having paid her bride price, she is already your wife under the customary laws of our land. Whatever you plan to do at Easter is only a necessity, because you have done the important thing of meeting her people and paying her bride price. 

As it is now, the best place to go is to the hospital where the doctors are best equipped to counsel you on the best options available to you. It would have been a different matter if she were not already pregnant. Since there appears to be confusion as to her actual genotype, she may be sent in for another test to determine what her actual genotype is.  

In the event that she remains AS, modern science has made it possible for doctors to determine the genotype of the baby in the womb. If the baby is SS, the doctors and parents can agree on what is the most reasonable thing to do if the pregnancy is still in its early stage. 

Whichever way it turns out nothing can be done, modern science too has made the management of sickle more manageable than it was in those days of ignorance. 

Like I said, the doctor is in the best position to proffer the most reasonable medical solution. 

Good luck.