Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Virgin at 29, thinking of deflowering myself…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am greatly worried about my situation. I am a lady of 29 years of age, still single and a virgin. I am however baffled, because men like me but not strong enough to ask for my hand in marriage. All I get from them is admiration and appreciation for the kind of person I am. Because of this problem I have gone to many men of God to seek marriage prayers, but all to no avail. Also I have attended many crusades, engaged in fasting and prayers, but it appears as if God isn’t hearing my prayers. Please, Agatha, I am tired of being a virgin. Frankly speaking, I have concluded on plans to deflower myself, since no man needs me. Amidst all these the bell of the word of God is still ringing in my ear to keep his words. Please help me. I deeply confused. Confused Lady. Dear Confused Lady, If God has told you to wait, what is your hurry? He is the only one who sees the end from the beginning, has the original manual of our lives. He remains the only one who cannot deceive you. It is therefore in your own interest to wait for Him to lead you aright. However for every phase of our lives, every experience, there are embedded lessons He wants us to learn before going to the next class. This is what you are failing to do. You have allowed yourself to bother too much about sex and breaking your virginity to have time to concentrate on the important things of your present situation. Without you first discovering who you are, how can you make any man happy? If complains about your virginity and desperation are all a man who wants to get close to you receive from you, there is no way he would stay. Men, like women, want to be appreciated. No serious minded man wants to be seen only as a sex object, only useful for the purpose of deflowering you. Even if a man comes with the intentions of being serious with you, your kind of attitude as well as line of thoughts can make the man change his mind. Ordinarily, men should be falling over themselves asking for your hand in marriage because ladies like you are rare. But if none of them is, contented with simply admiring you, then you need to change your prayer point to asking God what kind of plans He has for you. It isn’t just a matter of praying and fasting. It is you seeking the face of God on how He wants you to spend the rest of your life and with whom. Threatening to deflower yourself isn’t a solution. What will you achieve by doing that? Will it make the men come? Will it change the fact that the men appear timid in asking for your hand in marriage? You will only end up hurting yourself in the process. It is only when you have reconciled with God, gotten a clear directive from Him that you will know where to direct your energy and prayers. Furthermore, when men perceive a woman to be too desperate for their time and attention, they have this tendency to run. They would wonder why the desperation. Don’t make it look as if your virginity is a curse, and your age a burden. At your time and season, you will be happy as long as you develop the wisdom and patience to ask God about the big ‘Why’ in your life. This is something between you and God, not you and any pastor. Surround yourself with positive thoughts, one wrapped in the understanding and appreciation of God. Don’t worry as long as you are keyed into His plans for you, no matter how rough the road is, you will smile in the end. Good luck.

Re: I need help with sexual intimacy

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, God created the woman for the man so that man will not be alone. Therefore the woman was given to the man for companionship and intimacy. However, it is a pity this aspect is lacking in most marriages. It appears as if the flavour just disappears after the honeymoon. Did you have sex before marriage? If so, confess to the Lord and obtain forgiveness for your foundation to be repaired. A man and his wife wake up each and go their separate ways, to work. They come back in the night to meet on the bed. Sometimes, rather than a fresh smelling husband, the woman comes home to one that is reeking of alcohol, making it almost impossible to stay in the same room with him not to mention intimacy. The result is the woman either vacating the room or turning to her side of the bed to sleep. Gradually the purpose of the two of them coming together in marriage begins to wane. Even on Sundays when they should be at home, they have one town meeting or the other to attend. The wife plans her annual leave for August when she can attend August meeting, while the husband plans his leave for December when he has so many events in the village to attend. So how can the couple blend as one? How can they help their marriage grow or provide their children with the right kinds of example to learn from? Another couple has got very lucrative jobs, which unfortunately give them little or no time to be together. They both eat at their work except on Sundays when they eat in the house. Years of living like that and they discover that their marriage has become very cold without feelings for each other. They then decided to sit down to discuss the way out. The wife admitted that stress is responsible for her naggings and suspicions of her husband. Both admitted to having no sexual fulfillment between them, but having “sexual pressures” at work from colleagues. Finally they agreed on a way out; one has to resign from the high paying job for a less paying job to give more time and flexibility. The wife makes the sacrifice of quitting her own job. From that point things changed. Meals are ready before her man comes back from the office by 7pm, just as the bath is running for both of them to clean up together. To add spice to the marriage, she sometimes drives to bring the husband back from work. They began to take their bath together, eat together and sleep together. The bedroom became more appealing as it wore a new and neat look at all times. They plan their annual leaves to fall in the same month – usually in July and both visit places of interest and spend time in prayers and study of the scriptures together. The spark was back! Both marriages were working; they had children but then there is a difference! The first one has got no love and sacrifice. At best they are having sexual intercourse, sometimes even what looked like rape because the wife, when the man comes home smelling of alcohol refuse to sleep with the man or in the bedroom altogether. They soon got tired of each other and tired of the whole arrangement they call marriage. A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hand the foolish one tears hers apart. However, the second marriage portrayed above has got the flavour of sacrifice and love. They were able to overcome their differences because they put their marriage and companionship above every other thing. They both wanted and worked for the marriage to thrive and for intimacy to grow. It takes two to tango. Therefore, companionship is what both parties in a marriage must want desperately for it to work. When one person craves for it and the other person cannot be bothered, it becomes a kind of problem for the one who wants it. The efforts of pulling the other person along might completely discourage that person from going further.

Her young lover is an embarrassment to the family

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I really need your advice on ways to handle this issue in my family. I am the first son of my late father who died 2009, I have been away from home since 2007. I went to Nigeria for the burial and came back to my base to continue with my education. Thank God I am through and planning on coming back to Nigeria soon to spend time with my family. My mother had me for my father while still in high school. He was already married then and being too young, there was no marriage plans between the two of them. I grew up with my maternal grandmother. When I got to high school, I had to look for my father. To be fair to my stepmother she received and accorded me the respect as the first son. Even her children all gave me my place, including my elder sister, her first daughter. I love my stepmother as my mother. She destroyed all the negative myths I heard about stepmothers being wicked. Her open acceptance of me made nonsense of all I have been told that she won’t accept me being a boy, especially as she also has a son. Throughout my stay with her, never did she for once see me as a threat to her son. When my father died, she cried bitterly. Deep in me, I decided I will be her joy and take care of her. The issue now is. She is seeing a younger guy in my community and doing it openly. My siblings especially my younger brother, have been really aggressive trying to put a stop to the relationship; almost fighting the young man. My elder sister’s husband and some family members have tried to talk to her about her bringing shame to the family as well as her decision to be bringing the boy to my father’s house. She fights and categorizes anybody who kicks against the affair as an enemy. This has prompted everyone to hands off the matter. The have put the burden of me talking to her since everyone knows that she sees me as her first son and her favorite. We are very close; she listens to me. To be fair, she can get involved with whosoever but bringing her lover to the family house isn’t right. Besides, my siblings are against the whole affair because the guy is too young for her. Since I have never met him, I cannot give an opinion on that. We have never had any misunderstanding before but, I am afraid this might cause trouble between us. Already my uncles have slashed her monthly allowance yet, she continues seeing the guy. This in my opinion means the relationship is more serious than many realize. Right now, they have all decided they will wait for me to take action. If her own children, her siblings and uncles cannot stop her; how can I persuade her? She is in her 50s and from what I gathered from my siblings, she practically takes care of this young guy. I guess that informed the decision to slash her monthly allowances. Agatha, please I need your advice on how to tackle this. Stepson. Dear Stepson, Force has never been known to work with anyone in love. Rather, the more you all condemn her choice of a man, the more determined to keep the relationship going she would be. For a woman her age, it isn’t just a matter of desiring the relationship anymore but that of personal pride and anger at the attitude of everybody towards her person and choice. Because of this, even when she realizes that she may have made one or two mistakes, she will soldier on to deny you all the pleasure of telling her that you all told her so. If it is almost impossible to make a younger person change his or her mind about a decision to date a particular person, what makes any of you think you can change the mind of an adult who has long past the age of consent; has been married and enjoyed unrestricted sex life? How would you react to being told that the person you are dating now isn’t good enough for you? For that matter, how would your younger brother feel if your mother decides to fight the lady he is intending to marry? Emotions are funny. When they come calling, reasons take the back set. Sex, love and romance are ageless. When they happen, the feelings are universal. Even in the animal kingdom, the bonds of love defy reasoning and understanding. This young man is the person she considers good enough for her. None of you must forget that. Whether you like him or not; her choice should be respected. She is her own person and considers all the noise about her choice of a man by the family as not only embarrassing but humiliating to her integrity. Her determination to go ahead with her decision is enforced by a deep rooted anger at the death of her husband whose mortal absence exposed her to the situations going on around her. She is fighting back out of bitterness, anger and frustration. She cannot fight death that robbed her of a life partner, exposed her vulnerability as a woman. At 50 plus, she is at that delicate age when most women need the presence and companionship of their men. Our true nature cannot be denied. She is fighting you all because you have all refused to listen to her, taken into considerations her own feelings. The fact that she is widowed doesn’t mean her life must come to an end, terminate with her late husband. None of you knows how she really feels. This is the difference you must make when talking to her. Invite her out for a frank son/mother talk. Use your knowledge of her, her best food, perfume, colours to lure her out of the walls of defense she has naturally built around herself. Use the pet name she calls you or the memories you have both shared to get her to trust you enough to tell you her side of the story. Don’t even show any trace of antagonism for her choice of a lover; rather begin by asking if she is happy as a woman. Let her know you are really concerned for her happiness and that you aren’t against the man she finds it with. This will naturally make her relax because even though she is fighting everybody, deep inside her, she needs a friend within the family. As her favorite, you stand the chance of making her look at the matter more comprehensively. What others cannot achieve by fighting her and her lover, you can achieve by being sensitive to her moods. Hear her out. As gently as possible, put across the reasons for the feelings of others. Let her understand too that those fighting her love her and want the best for her. Present their real fears about her relationship with the boy. Offer to meet the boy. You cannot fight someone or make judgments about a person you don’t know. Get to meet him first. Engage him in a discussion that will enable you journey into his mind; know what he thinks as well as his reason for wanting to stay in a relationship with a woman her age. Meeting you will definitely knock some senses into his head; know that he is being watched and that his intentions are not hidden from the family. Your presence will intimidate him enough to make him reconsider certain things about the relationship. After meeting him, meet with other members of the family to explain their need to be more understanding as well as a change in their attitude towards your mother. Then demand for a compromise, a decision others too must respect if peace is to return to the family. Let your mother know that, for reasons of decency and propriety, she should get a place for her lover. That, bringing him to the family house isn’t right and in a way insults the memory of her late husband. Inform her about what some people are saying about her decision to bring her lover into her matrimonial home. To ensure your argument hits the bull eye, tell her that there are insinuations by some mischievous people that she lacks respect for the name and memory of her late husband. Assure her that you won’t allow anybody bother her if he is kept away from the family house. Tell your uncle as a way of ending the crisis to restore her allowances. It is her money, so she has the right to use it anyway she wants. Maturity and wisdom will go a long way in restoring peace to your family. Good luck.

Many suitors, but none religiously compatible

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha God bless you, I appreciate the way you solve people’s problem; may God continue to bless you. I want you to help me with this problem. There are currently many suitors seeking my hand in marriage but none of them is a believer. There is this one who appears serious and whom I like too. He claims to be born-again but he is an Anglican. Much as I like him, he is an unbeliever. I want to marry a Pentecostal. Although I am not in a hurry to marry because I am still young, but what do you think I should do since I don’t want to keep rejecting suitors. I am tired. This man in question does not know anything about the Holy Ghost and he can’t even speak in tongue. What should I do? Blessing. Dear Blessing, Yours is a classic case of the many absurdities which are today confronting the body of Christ; the many misconceptions that have turned the house of Christ to a theatre of massive confusions and many strange doctrines. It is unfortunate the way we have allowed religion and faith to be taken over by confusion and how much this confusion is denying a lot of people the chance to be really happy with their God-given destinies. Painfully, this massive confusion is altering the relationship many should have with God and placing undue emphasis on things that are not biblical and completely absurd. What makes the God of Pentecostal churches different from the God of Anglicans? What makes the Holy Spirit in their Bible different from the Holy Spirit of Pentecostal Churches? Is the God in their Bible different from the God in the Bible of Pentecostal churches? Is the story of Jesus Christ in their Bible different from what you know? And who says speaking in tongues is the only manifestation of the Holy Spirit? What happens to all the other gifts God gave to mankind? What about the gift of love, wisdom, humility, meekness and understanding of the scriptures one of the divine assignments of the Holy Spirit? What about the warnings of Christ that a house divided against itself cannot stand? Who is clean to prescribe judgment on anybody? Can you claim perfection in the sight of God on the premise of being a member of a Pentecostal Church? Is being a member of a Pentecostal Church enough credential for making heaven? To get it right and for you to be happy in life, you must first of all divorce yourself from the anarchy in the body of Christ occasioned by different denominations. What is important is how we are before God. We cannot do the work of God the father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for them. Being all Christians, disciples of Jesus Christ, we need love and perfect understanding and tolerance to exalt His name. Even if you think he is the worst sinner, what did Jesus prescribe? Tolerance and love. If you think he is in the dark and you are in the light, as a Christian, shouldn’t you first give him the opportunity to share in your light? Have you paused to wonder why it is only men you consider unbelievers that are coming your way? If you have a good knowledge of the Holy Spirit, you should know that God is trying to pass a message across to you, to offer them your light, to show them the grace and mercy of your faith and lead them out of their unbelief. As a messenger of the Holy Spirit, selfishness and condemnations are forbidden. Ideally, you shouldn’t put your own sentiments and needs above the salvations of these unbelievers. What is expected of a true child of God is to offer Jesus first to such people. Having said that, it is important you first go to God to give you a clear vision of what He expects of you and how you should go in life to avoid frustrating regrets. There is no way you can ever hope to be happy if you stand as the accuser, jury and the judge in your own matter. This attitude will never help you get a correct answer to this problem. Granted, you need someone who understands your passion for Christ, who is knowledgeable about your doctrine but it should not be the only parameter for accepting to marry anybody. The marriage institution is too complex to be premised on mono-attribute. Today, many confess to Christianity without understanding the issues involved in it. Christianity has become a fad rather than a conviction. Majority of us are still Bible-carrying and not Bible-practising Christians, which makes it imperative for you to open up your agenda to be able to comprehend as well as focus on all the issues involved in choosing a life-partner. The appraisal must begin from your end. You must have a very broad comprehension of what love and marriage are to recognise the qualities that would make you happy in life. Without you equipping yourself with the knowledge of love and marriage, you risk placing too much premium on inconsequential attributes which at the end of the day would only make you resentful and disappointed in the entire concept of love and marriage. Marriage based on warped reasoning and information more often than not ends in terrible situations. That you are considering other aspects of a man doesn’t make you carnal or lacking in the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. As a matter of fact, marriage without the presence, wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit will never work hence you must completely submit yourself, dreams and desires to the Holy Spirit to record success. Give yourself the chance to know these men before crucifying them along the lines of your very narrow perspective. One of these men may have the magic key to your happiness but if you fail to wisdom, you might end up full of regrets and pains later in life. There is no chance now, and adequate preparations must be made towards marriage, being the most important institutions in life. Whether you begin now or not, you will eventually confront all the issues you are now facing. Give yourself a good start by thinking about it and taking all the steps to be happy tomorrow. Pray for the help and direction from God as well as an open heart to hear and receive from Him. Good luck.

My husband is tired of our marriage

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage of 12 years is almost going down the drain. I discovered my husband is having an affair and that the lady in question is already pregnant for him. I believe this because these days, he is hardly at home. It seems he comes back because of his children. When it comes to issues concerning his children, he goes out of his way to make them happy. He has never stopped accusing me of being the problem in the marriage. There is nothing I do that appears right in his opinion. If he doesn’t accuse me of being laid back, a bad example of what a mother should be, he says my friends are the ones influencing me to be rude to him and to treat our marriage with little or no respect. He is always finding ways to condemn me since we got married. For instance, he calls my insistence of having two housemaids an unnecessary indulgence. Even though my housemaids are very good cooks and excellent housekeepers, he would still find ways of complaining. I try my best but it appears he doesn’t find my best good enough for him. If I go to a party with my friends, he says I don’t spend enough time with the family. I have repeatedly tried to make him understand that I grew up in a home where housekeepers attended to the home. Whether my mother was in or not, the house-helps cooked our meals. My father never complained about it; never sulked when my mother left us to attend a party with her friends for days. I really don’t understand why my husband can’t stop complaining or the reason he is giving for making another woman pregnant. Granted when we were dating, I was contented being in his company but I simply cannot stay indoors all the time. The fact that he has bought a car for this other woman shows that she must be using some sort of charm on him. From my friend who is the woman’s neighbour, I am told that my husband dotes on her and that she is this kind of woman who cooks and washes his clothes. I am really considering going to fight the woman because nothing I say or do now makes sense to my husband. The worst thing is that he is daring me to do my worst. When my mother called him to ask him if what I said about him impregnating another woman is true, he didn’t bother to deny it. He said I pushed him to it because I was never at home and never gave him the kind of home he desired. He also accused me of being lazy and dirty. There was nothing he didn’t tell my mother including not knowing how my food tastes as a wife. Two of my friends have gone to harass the woman on my behalf. Although I denied knowledge of it when my husband confronted me. The issue now is, I want him back and I’m willing to change if only he will look my way. I am not as interested in my former lifestyle as I am now in recovering my marriage. The funny thing is that my mother insists on following me to go and fight the other woman. Deep down, after listening to my mother’s elder sister who has never approved of my mother’s way of life, I want to make my marriage work all of a sudden. How do I go about it? Mariam. Dear Mariam, The first thing is to sit back and re-organise your life with a view of knowing what to do and what to do away with. One thing is to realise that you need to make your marriage work, another thing is to be convinced that you really want to stay in the marriage. If for 12 years, you have consistently ignored the desires of your husband and have done things your way, how do you plan to sustain your current desires to make your husband work especially now that he has another woman in his life? Be warned, that this battle isn’t going to be easy because those things you didn’t do that were important then, she has invested in your husband. Now you have to work thrice as hard to get your husband back than you would have if you listened to the complaints of your husband all these years. It is unfortunate how most of us begin to show appreciation for our spouses only after we have allowed them slip through our fingers through our carelessness. Although your husband broke his vows to you, from all that you said, you pushed him into the choice he made concerning this other woman. What man would experience care, compassion, respect and attention from a woman and not go for her? What man would leave a woman who cooks good food for one who doesn’t care if he eats or not, and isn’t bothered about the kinds of food he eats? That your husband is responsible, irrespective of this other woman getting pregnant for him is evident in him not sleeping with any of the housemaids you employed to perform your role of cooking his meals, washing his clothes and possibly making his bed. Not many men would let such tempting opportunities pass them by. The fact that he didn’t, went out of his home to have another woman to play the role you refused to play is evident of the kind of respect he has for you. If the truth must be told, you were the one that broke his heart first. What kind of wife and mother are you if your family cannot say when last they tasted your food? What kind of example are you offering your daughters when they grow up to be like that in their own homes? As you must have found out, your mother’s examples are the worst kind any mother can offer her daughter. Unfortunately, you are the one suffering her shortcomings as a mother. Whether you like it or not, her examples made you lose sight of your importance in the home as well as duties to your husband. Perish the thoughts that this other woman used charms. The woman knew and recognised your husband’s needs and went for it. She knew her onions as a woman. What you should do if you truly want him back is to first go back to acquire the skill of cooking, housekeeping as well as the right attitude. Follow this, by distancing yourself from some of the friends who aided you in destroying your home. Sincerely, you don’t need friends who prefer parties to their homes. Also, discourage your friends from going to fight the other woman; it will only complicate things for you. Your mother also should be kept out of your marriage. She should face her own marriage. Let her know that you are now determined to navigate your own canoe without any help from her. Since he still comes to the house, ensure whenever he comes, he finds you at home. Use your children as your spokespersons. Let them tell their daddy the change in your attitude, including how good a cook you are. When he comes, rush into the kitchen to make him a meal that will help him remember the early days of your relationship. You need something to remind him of the nascent days of your relationship. Because the issues weren’t created in one day, you have to be patient in your quest for solutions and happiness. As long as you are determined to make it work, bear the initial setbacks that are bound to come with wisdom. Back whatever efforts you are making with prayers. God is the only one that can make him come back to you. It is only after you have won back your husband, you should together discuss the other woman and baby. Whatever decision you make, consider her presence in your lives as a price you have to pay for all your mistakes of the past. If you are truly determined, refusing to listen to wrong counsels from your mother or friends, your marriage will survive. The choice is really yours. Good luck.