How Do I Cope With My Girlfriend’s Hot Temper?

Dear Agatha, 

I have read your responses to the many problems facing people in various relationships, on the Internet, and have come to the conclusion that you can help me out with my own problems too. 

I have been living with my girlfriend for the past two years. She’s a Japanese while I am a Nigerian. We both live in Thailand. She has a hot temper and can easily get angry and shout at the top of her voice in the room. Sometimes, I am scared of the noise she makes when she is angry but she immediately comes begging when her anger is over.

These have being going on for years. Financially, she helps me whenever she has and I help her whenever I have too, but she helps me the more. She sometimes destroys things in the room whenever she is angry. Our understanding and cultures are totally different. She insists that I marry her but I’m not strong enough emotionally to accept that because of her behaviour. My friends are telling me to marry her because of her financial capability but on the other hand I am not really happy to go into marriage with her despite the facts that she helps me a lot. Please, I need your advice.

Anxious Boy.

Dear Anxious Boy, 

You are right to be apprehensive because there is more to marriage than money. Your friends are not the ones who will live with her. You are the one whose life will be tied to hers forever. Marriage without peace, harmony and respect is worthless even if money is in abundance. 

When the slightest mistake provokes violent reactions to the point of breaking things in the house, it calls for caution. More so, as you are an emigrant in that country, there is no telling what she can do when really provoked or when she is in such a state. By virtue of your position, she can really make trouble for you with the local authorities when angry. 

You sincerely need wisdom to paddle this canoe ashore. What you should do is to concentrate more on her person with a view to seeing how both of you can blend your differences to the point of harmony.

To do this right, you must irrespective of whatever may come out of this, tell her how uncomfortable and fearful her temper is to you. Letting her know at this early stage that her monstrous temper could get in the way of whatever plans she nurses for the future of both of you might help her fight the impulse of being destructive as well as shouting at the top of her voice when angry. Explain as gently as you can that from the part of the world you come, her behaviour is completely out of place and that for her to be accepted by you or your people, she has to learn how to control her temper. And, that while she has the right to be upset, shouting at the man she intends getting married to, destroying things bought with hard earned money isn’t your idea of the perfect wife and life you want. 

Refusing to point this out to her will never help her fight this attitude. For both of you to have stayed together for two years means she has some positive attributes you want in a woman. It can’t all have been because of money and security in that country. 

It must have come significantly from the happiness you get being close to her. Because you are also not perfect, listen to the salient plea in her character. She cannot be doing this to spite you and appears helpless in controlling the vice in her sober moments. She knows it might push you away from her hence the quick apologies that follow her every eruptions. 

In various ways, we display our need for help to people close to us without knowing what we are doing. Help her to see herself in her temper and outrage by pointing her to the damage being done to you two. When she breaks a valuable item, tell her that is the way your heart is constantly being damaged by her behaviour and that no amount of apologies can get it back to its wholesome nature.

Overtime, she will, with your help and understanding of her nature, come to appreciate your concern for her.

That temper may be a sign of insecurity from childhood. Even if you both end up not marrying, you owe it to your friendship and the years you have been together, to help her overcome this side of her. Sit her down to listen to her story from as far as she can remember. Sharing your life story with her as well as what you expect from the woman who will share your life would help give her an inkling into what you really want which at the end of the day may initiate a positive change within her. 

The positive change you are able to bring about in her today, maybe the anchor of your happiness with her tomorrow.

Good luck. 

Is Kissing Sinful?

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem with my boyfriend. I am 16 years of age. The issue centres on kissing. I want to know if kissing is regarded as a sin.

Lilly.

Dear DOD,

Dear Lilly, 

Kissing is not sinful, but it could lead a young girl like you with little or no experience in life to commit sin or short-change yourself of the abundant blessings God has in store for you. 

As a young bloom, you are prone to attracting all kinds of male interests. Unfortunately, not all of them want you for keeps; only few would come with the intentions to marry you. 

The reason you must avoid any form of intimacy with any man for now is the simple fact that you are unsure of where your erotic zones are coupled with the fact that your erratic hormones could force you into acting before thinking. The potency of a kiss is enough to make some women do things they never meant to do. You need better control of your feelings, emotions to scale through a kiss without capitulating.

Tell your boyfriend you are not ready for the consequences of a kiss now; that if he is unwilling to wait for you, understand your fears, he should let you be. 

Over time, you will come to understand that some of the things that happen to some young girls are not pre-planned but come about as a result of situations they ignorantly went into. 

If he decides to leave as a result of your refusal to kiss him, don’t worry; someone else would come who will appreciate who you are and your principles of life. 

And if you are the one wishing for it, bring into your mind’s eye the shame of unwanted pregnancy which could happen from what you think is a seemingly harmless thing like kiss.

By staying close to God, He will give you the strength to fight off this natural desire we all have to battle with once we enter into puberty. 

Good luck. 

Her Pastor Creates Roadblocks To Our Union

  Dear Agatha, 

Please I need your advice concerning a girl I met while in Lagos before I travelled out of the country to China

Though we were not on speaking terms then but we later got round that problem. From the time we became communicative, I made myself and my intentions very clear to her, that I like, love and will like to marry her if she agrees. She agreed but submitted to the will of God. I also promised to keep praying about it.
I am a Catholic while she’s Pentecostal. To my surprise, I called her one day and she started telling me that she can’t abandon her church for the Catholic Church.

I was confused and tried to persuade her to set aside whatever misgivings she may have against the church since it was me she would be getting married to and not the church. She still did not agree. Now the story has changed from not wanting to marry into the Catholic Church to her having a dream and her pastor telling her that she was about to make a mistake in marriage. 

According to her, she is confused. Not wanting to appear judgmental against her pastor whose influence over her is overwhelming, I want you to help both of you understand how to handle this complex situation.  

Very Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy, 

There is no way you can convince someone who completely lacks a will or his or her own; who depends on someone to make his or her decisions for her. 

Granted the role of our spiritual heads is to point us at the right direction, God still gave us a free access into His presence to verify issues we don’t understand. 

If she is giving the excuse of your church and what her pastor said, then she isn’t ready to settle down with you. 

Her confusion isn’t from any of these, but from fear of whether you are serious about marrying her or not especially as both of you aren’t together. 

This kind of matter requires more than telephone conversation to resolve. She needs more than the assurances given her through the phone that you care.

If you can, you might have to come to the country to talk about all the grey areas of your relationship. For instance, where is she going to stay? If here, when are you planning on bringing her live with you in your host country? One thing is to be in love, another thing is to have the kind of attitude to interpret the love to care, friendship and understanding. 

Distance makes it impossible for both of you to have the right kind of bonding necessary for couples intending to spend the rest of their lives together. No matter how much you spend on telephone calls, they aren’t as warm and assuring as seeing you from time to time. The church and what her pastor said are just excuses which firm commitment from you would completely eradicate.

Not every woman is perceptive enough to know that there is more to marriage than a wedding ceremony. What you have promised her is a wedding ceremony, not a marriage. You must find a way of communicating your need of her in your life. 

And if true, the pastor warned her of impending danger ahead, make her understand that there is nothing God cannot do if both of you are united by faith and love to pray together. 

As for the different churches you each attend, this ideally should not be a problem if God is the basis of the church. Jesus Christ remains the head of His church.  

Go into a very frank discussion with her pending the time you can come down to see her. This includes letting her know your plans for yourself as well as the one you have for her.

However, there is also the need for you to also pray; to hear from God if she is actually your missing rib because it is only if she is the right woman for you that you can find peace in your relationship.

Good luck.