Saturday, August 1, 2009

I’m Innocent Of Her Decision To Settle For Married Man


Dear Agatha,


Please help me get over this madness happening in my family. My younger sister is just 25 and has a very bright future. She got a very good job as an advert executive in one of the media houses around, and from all indications is doing very well.

That is why I cannot understand why she is involved, and actually planning to marry a family man.

She is the only one among all of us who does not talk about her affairs. While growing up, she kept to herself. The rest of the family knew she was odd and very secretive about herself, but she is the most hardworking, always willing to do the dirty jobs the rest of us would not do.

Being the one closest to her, I had my way of getting her to talk about herself, and the things she would never discuss with anyone. She would not do that without warning me against divulging the information to other members of the family.

However, since I got married and she packed out of the house to her own rented apartment, we hardly find time to come for gist. I tried on my part to meet her but we cannot meet due to her constant excuses of not having the time anytime I make the move. She would always come up with an excuse at the last minute to cancel the meeting irrespective of whom among us made the arrangement.

One Saturday morning without any prior notice, I decided to visit her at home because I had this feeling she was trying to avoid me, while I am concerned about her.

Agatha, I was right to be apprehensive because when I got there, I met an elderly man in her apartment. From his look, he spent the night with her. I wonder what and why she would allow a man come to her place when it should have been the other way round.

It didn’t add up so I decided to call my husband to tell him I would be late to return home. Since the kids were with me, he said it was okay provided we came back before nightfall.

Determined to outstay the man, I sat patiently and taking mental notes of him and his mannerism. It was during breakfast I noticed that his wedding finger had the telltale mark of a ring. Although he was not wearing one currently, but the ring stain mark was evident.

After a while, he dressed and left.

Very much aware that my sister would try to parry the issue, I asked what she was doing dating a married man. She was shocked I knew. Always on the defensive, she told me to mind my business that at 25, she knew what she wanted. And that she was, as a matter of fact, going to marry him because she made him happy.

I thought she was joking, but she made it clear that she wasn’t out for a joke. She added that the family could go to hell for all she cared. Now she is up in arms against all the other members of the family because nobody is in her support.

What more, they think I had knew all about it from the beginning and have grouped me with her in this battle.

Agatha, please help me, not even my husband believes I am innocent. How can I persuade her against going into this marriage? Why would a young intelligent and very beautiful woman elect to marry a married man? Please save me from the twin problems I am facing. By the way, the man is 48.

Funke.


Dear Funke,

Since your sister is adamant and unwilling to listen to the voice of reason, you may have to go beyond your sister and see how you can get the man. I am sure by the time the whole family meets with him to plead with him to let your sister be, he would listen. Chances are that he might be less passionate and willingly to listen to the voice of reason.

As a young girl, your sister may be under the influence of idealism, but as a man who is married with possibly grown-up children, he is likely to be more realistic. Even if he is having problem with his marriage, it is necessary you tell him pointedly that marrying another woman is not a solution.

If he refuses, find a way of meeting his wife and children to get them to appeal to their breadwinner to leave your sister alone. Get his grown up daughters, if he has, to blackmail him emotionally. He should be asked what he would do if one of his daughters decide not only to marry a married man but one who is old enough to be her father. Your parents should be part of the delegation to meet him. All of you should collectively appeal to him to save your sister from herself. Go a step further by looking for his friends and other family members to join in the appeal.

The reason for this is that if pressured from all quarters, he might change his mind, leaving your sister with no choice than to listen to all of you.

It might also help to get your sister to talk about her reason for wanting to marry this man. It would give you all some insights into her inner mind. Something is obviously wrong somewhere because it is clear she is not in the relationship because of money, so there is more to this relationship. It could be a problem from her past, something that happened long ago but which the family is unaware of.

The preference for a father figure for a husband may be a silent and salient cry for help. She may also not be able to understand or explain this. Did the family alienate her on account of her nature? Sometimes when a child appears different from the rest, the tendency is for everybody in the family to alienate her. Did your mother go the extra mile to show her love on account of her nature or simply couldn’t be bothered since the others were okay? What about your father, did he at any time seek her out specially, to talk and establish a relationship with her as the unique child in the family?

The tragedy of growing up in a house where you are branded on account of your nature is what is doing things to shock the people who at the time you needed help made fun of you. Her preference may have been shaped for her by the attitude you all put up way back then.

Get her to see a psychologist in addition to praying for her. Fighting or being hostile to her is not a solution, but would drive her further into her shell. Unless this problem is effectively tackled, there is the likelihood she may end up with another older married man if this one agrees to let her be. It is very important she gets a fair hearing if you are to protect her from herself.

Good luck.

He Wants His Sick Mum To Stay With Us


Dear Agatha,


I have a huge challenge, which may affect the overall outcome of my marriage if I’m not careful.

My mother-in-law, who hates me with a passion, is ill and my husband is planning on bringing her over to stay with us.

From what I hear, she has difficulties moving around, which means she can urinate and pass the big one where she sits or sleeps if help doesn’t come early enough.

I have tried to persuade my husband to send his mother to his sister’s house but he has refused, insisting he wants her to come over to his house being her eldest child. To back up his argument, he says I have a house-help as well as shop attendant, who will help me with his mother while his sister doesn’t have anybody to help.

Agatha, this woman has been a pest in my life since marrying her son eight years ago. She not only says I’m not good enough for her son but is also without manners.

Sincerely, I have never pretended to like her, which is why I don’t understand why my husband wants me to care for someone whose presence I cannot endure for a second.

I’m contemplating going to tell my sister-in-law to insist her mother comes to her house since my husband has refused to listen to my pleas but my elder sister warned me against it, insisting I would be the prime suspect if anything bad happens to her.

Agatha, I don’t want her in my house. In addition to not liking her, I don’t want her to infect my children with whatever it is she is said to be suffering from. I don’t have the strength to be moving her around or clean the house if she soils her bed.

I simply can’t! Please help me. How do I make my husband understand this?

Worried Wife.


Dear Worried Wife,

I wish you could see yourself through this letter you wrote. You sound so selfish, mean and uncaring. How would you feel if this woman were your mother and your sister-in-law is behaving like you are doing now?

How would you feel if you find yourself in your mother-in-law’s situation and your son’s wife insists she can’t have you in her home for the same reasons you are now rejecting this woman?

Do you know what life holds for you tomorrow? From the way you are behaving now, doesn’t it appear she was right about you after all?

What manner of heart would reject a sick woman care and comfort of her child? Don’t forget before you came into the life of your husband, this woman was there. She nurtured him through thick and thin from the first moments she became pregnant with him to the stage you met and married him. Her finished product is whom you fell in love with and swore to love till death separates both of you.

Without this woman you now despise in such cold blood, your husband wouldn’t have been. If nothing else, for this reason alone, show her all the love she deserves in her condition. Even if you have an issue with her over her behaviour and treatment of you, this is not the right time to seek revenge.

If you are wise, you would use the opportunity provided by her illness to erase whatever negative impression she had of you before now. God demands of us to show love where we have been shown hatred. Care for her as you would your mother; give her all the necessary attention she deserves because illness is detribalised, genderless, ageless and no respecter of persons. It so happens she is the one on that bed, it could be you or your husband. Would you not care for your husband if he were the one in that condition? If it were you, would you like to be left alone simply because someone thinks the children would be affected by your health condition?

Your fear about this situation affecting the quality of happiness in your home is genuine but not in the direction you are thinking. The problem you are courting is beyond what you can handle, outside of your feelings and of a more dangerous consequence than what you think of your mother-in-law. If you insist she can’t stay with you, your husband may take her to another place but you can bet it would make him begin to suspect things about you and the marriage he never regarded as being important.

And when a man begins to do that, it signals big problem for the woman. You can hurt most men but when it comes to issues concerning their mothers, men are very sensitive and take seriously any slight or disaffection towards the women who gave birth to them. Chances are this man may forgive you anything, but this blatant rejection of his mother at her most crucial moment in life would remain too heavy an albatross for you to carry. The sad thing is you won’t be the only one to suffer but every member of your family as well.

There are no easy remedies when it comes to marital issues. The only remedy marriage recognises is tolerance. Whatever this woman has done, learn to tolerate her until she gets better. Her body not only gave you a husband, but those lovely children of yours.

No matter what wrong she must have turned to you, always remember the good and most important gift she gave you, happiness. Something really special you must have found in your husband to make you marry him among the lot that came for your hand in marriage. If she were such a loathsome mother, there is no way she could have allowed you marry her son or allowed you stay for the number of years you have spent in his house. That you are still there in spite of her perceived hatred for you means you are winning. So, learn to be magnanimous and care for this woman.

Are you saying your mother hasn’t offended you, treated you in more despicable ways than your mother-in-law? Chances are she might have but do you refuse to debate her attitude towards you or brand it because she is your mother. Life is about hurting and making up. The strength of life is our ability to forgive and move forward.

There is no way you can move beyond the point you have in your marriage if you don’t forgive your mother-in-law. Forgiveness is the only way you can truly encourage your in-laws to accept you as being part of the family. It is the only way too your husband can defend his choice of you as his wife to himself and, subsequently, his family.

Even if you don’t want to do this, do it for the sake of your husband and children, whose family this sick woman is.

Believe me, what you do now would come back to either hunt or save those children and you in later years. Your husband can’t be unaware of your feelings towards his mother and may be using this to see how deep your feelings of disaffection for his mother run.

If you don’t want to do it because of what the woman has done to you, why not do it for the sake of the man you love? Should this woman die without you helping to care for her, would you ever be able to forgive yourself? Think about it!

Knowing who God is as well as understanding His way would help make it easier for you to do. Pray to God to give you more understanding into His person.

Good luck.

Re: Help Before Distance Turns Me Divorcee

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I Need True Love, Want Better Look


Dear Agatha,


How can I make my hair darker and my skin more beautiful and how can I find true love?

Worried Girl.


Dear Worried Girl,

There are various good hair products in the market specifically designed with today’s woman in mind. The damage to hair comes from not knowing what to use, and also patronising the wrong salons. If you go to any standard salon, they will be able to recommend the best product for you.

To find true love, you must first learn to be truthful to yourself. True love cannot happen in a vacuum. You must first learn to love yourself, people around you to be able to recognise when true love comes your way. This is because what you don’t have, you won’t be able to give.

Many people expect love to just happen when they themselves don’t know anything about love. Life is about giving as much as you get.

You must learn to invest first before expecting interest.

For true love to flourish, it must have a blend of understanding, care, appreciation, tolerance, support, respect, responsibilities, focus, selflessness and friendship. Above all, it must be realistically handled. These are the things that give it colour, substance as well as the right foundation to exist. At all times, you must be willing to forgive because love without forgiveness is like an empty shell.

You will know it when you recognise some of these things you have in him.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart


Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there always for people like us. I am educated, presentable, loving, caring, and sincere. I also live in Lagos. I need a lady for marriage. She must be connected and good-looking. Any interested lady should be free to call me on 038818586 and 08028801856.

Kunle.