Dear Agatha,
There is this man asking for my hand in marriage. He has four children from his wife who ran away with the children when he lost his job. For two years he has been alone.
To be honest, I am very surprised at his request for my hand in marriage.
The major set back is that he lives very close to my house. I am so confused by all these. Please tell me what to do.
Grace.
Dear Grace,
This calls for extreme caution. There is more to this story of his wife leaving him simply on account of him losing his job.
If the wife were materialistic, lacks understanding of the situation, she would not have left with all the four children. A woman unwilling to bear difficult times with a man would not burden herself with caring for four growing children. The task she has elected to do, solely caring for four children, is huge hence care must be taken in condemning such a woman.
Something other than the story of what the man told you happened to have made the woman leave her husband with her children.
You, therefore, must be careful and apply wisdom to this issue to avoid making the greatest mistake of your life.
Ask him questions regarding what actually transpired between him and his wife. Chances are that he might have maltreated her while he was working to have made her taken such extreme measures.
Make him understand that your acceptance of his proposal is dependent on him telling you the whole truth as to what actually happened in his first marriage. Assure him that you would not base your decision on his past but for the future you both plan to have together to be happy, he has to trust you with all the details of the past just as you would also tell him everything concerning your past.
Let him understand it is the only way he can earn your trust and respect forever. Besides, it is the only way you can really defend him and you against insinuations by people around who may want to use the opportunity of your happiness together foment trouble either now or in the future.
You must also be interested in knowing what efforts he made at reconciling with his family, especially his children, who are innocent victims of whatever problems he had with his wife. Between the times they left and now, what has been his level of contribution to their welfare as well as upkeep? Even if he claims their mother has been uncooperative with him, has he bothered to channel such welfare packages through her close associates to ensure the children don’t suffer needlessly? A man’s worth is the level of interest and response he shows in the affair of his family whether he lives with them or not.
This is because you would one day have children who would have to deal without whatever decision or indecisions you encourage him to take against these children whose father your children would be sharing. If you refuse to stand on the side of fairness today, you would find yourself all alone tomorrow with your children fighting a battle of resentfulness and bitterness as well as carrying the blame of an issue you didn’t know the beginning.
The battle would be particularly bitter for you if any of those children turn out to be one of the foremost in the society. There is the probability of him siding them against you, of accusing you of being the reason he abandoned them. It is for days like this you must insist on doing the right thing by refusing to take side with him against the interest of the children.
He remains the only father the children would ever have so not to show interest in them on account of whatever disagreement exists between him and their mother would amount to gross irresponsibility. Providing them with money if he doesn’t have isn’t the only way he can demonstrate his concern and care. Sometimes emotional support can make a huge difference between comfort and love, life and death. When he unselfishly give of his time to the children, he gives them the opportunity of knowing him, making up their minds about him outside whatever their mother may or may not have said. It would amount to sheer irresponsibility on his part to ignore those children completely to their mother whether she took them with or without his permission.
There is also the issue of him properly tiding up his past with this woman if he has made up his mind to move forward. He must do the necessary things in addition to making it very clear how much he intends to be providing the children with every month, visiting arrangements as well as the issue of paying their school fees.
These are responsibilities you must encourage him to execute faithfully if you intend enjoying your marriage to him. Also he has to make the effort of properly ending his marriage. There is no way he can be talking about marrying you when his former marriage still subsists. He has to end one properly before going into another one.
But importantly, you have to be sure that he is ending that marriage for the right reasons. This is because whatever may have caused him to end the first marriage may come up in your own and the chances of him still behaving the way he did is always there. If possible, investigate on your own from neighbours, his family members as well as his friends all the issues involved. Granted there would be element of loyalty to him but some few people would tell the truth. This is also to help you judge correctly what you are getting yourself into.
You also have to be sure that overtime whatever he feels for you is sufficient to scale whatever hurdles life may throw at both of you. If he is a quitter, you both may not be able to end the journey together due to pressures within the marriage.
This is because marriage is a journey into the unknown, plenty of uncertainties and more often than not of misguided promises. It takes more than declaration of love, of promises to make it work. From what happened to him and his former wife, you must know by now that marriage isn’t a bed of roses. It takes guts, forgiveness, determination, tolerance, respect, sacrifices, selflessness, loyalty as well as prayers to make the differences. You may both start out with all the right reasons and good intentions but end up being frustrated due to the attitude of either of you.
Deep down you must have certain assurances within you that you have all it takes to endure hardship and disappointment with him. You have to answer this important question within you, if you find yourself going through the same things the other woman went through would you stay on or quit like she did?
Do you think you have the type of relationship and friendship to overcome real challenges? Do you think you know him enough to entrust him with your future as well as those of your unborn children?
In addition to him settling with his former wife and children, you must make time out to know the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. What knowledge of his character do you know? Do you think you can vouch for him in times of doubtful circumstances?
Before saying yes, insist on a time of courtship. That he is desperate to marry doesn’t mean you must be too. The attendant risks of jumping before you leap would be too dangerous for you to jump into.
Use the time of courtship to know him, gauge your temperaments, your outlook as well as endurance levels. It is important you know that the picture he has presented you is not very far from the real image of him to avoid waking up with a stranger the morning after your wedding. I assure you that would be the beginning of a greater problem of you not knowing who the stranger by your side is let alone how to manage him.
The problem in a marriage is not in the attendant challenges that confront it on a daily basis but of not having an idea of who the stranger by one’s side is. You can go into a marriage with all the determination to succeed, to make it work at all cost but only if the right support is coming from one’s partner. If you and this man have a common focus, goal as well as hunger to make it work, there is no challenge your combined efforts would not consume effortlessly.
Therefore you must be certain that you are both on the right path to make this work because yours come with more than the average share of problems. Having four stepchildren with an unhappy mother on the side isn’t going to be a tea party at all.
You need to pray, get clear signals from God as well as develop a self-will that can withstand the fiercest of heats to survive this marriage. You have to be more than the average woman to be able to take everything this marriage throws at you without feeling bad or defeated in the process.
Good luck
Posts
