Dear Agatha,
I really appreciate the way you attend to people’s problem. God will continue to bless you.
I am into a five-year-old relationship, which from every indication lacks trust on the part of my boyfriend. He doubts everything I say even when it is obvious I am telling him the truth. Right from the beginning he has always doubted me and I have never stopped complaining about it.
Since I met him, I have never looked at another man but he is forever suspecting me of double dating.
There is this guy who is my neighbour and friend. I introduced him to my boyfriend, so my association with him is not a secret thing.
Two years ago my boyfriend said somebody told him I was dating the guy. I took my time to explain every detail of my relationship with the other guy to him all over again and to avoid trouble between us, promised to discontinue my friendship with the other guy.
He accepted and we were happy again. Two months after, he started asking me about the guy again as if he heard something contrary to what I told him.
I have tried to know why the sudden questions, but he said he was just being curious.
After two weeks he came and still asked me of what I was doing with the same guy, I got so angry that I talked to him the way I have never done before. I also walked out on him. Since then he has not called me nor did I.
I decided not to call him to know what he was up to. Besides, I have always tried to please him even when it is not convenient for me.
Please did I make the right decision?
Mimi.
Dear Mimi,A relationship that lacks trust is akin to an animal without a skeletal frame. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship grows. Growing a relationship deficient in trust can be both tiresome and stressful because every innocent move is given a different type of interpretation that more often than not leaves the one being accused hurt and confused.
That he is constantly suspicious of you underlines a problem beyond you and your relationship with him. It also shows that in your five years together, you haven’t been able to reach him in that area where he obviously need help the most.
Relationship building doesn’t become perfect on account of the couple declaring their love for each other rather, it is only the beginning of a greater challenge of acting the love declared. It entails having a relationship with the person’s past history because without first dealing with the past, the present can never be perfect let alone have a future together.
What is the past of your man? What could be responsible for this problem that has made him so suspicious of you and causing you both so much unhappiness? Did you bother to find out from him since you noticed the problem?
And how have you sustained this suspicion? You may think you have done everything to please him but may be doing other things to further fuel and complicate things between you.
In the first place, by agreeing to discontinue your friendship with the other man, you unwittingly opened yourself up to be suspected. Promising to end that relationship on account of his insecurity gave him a weapon to be used by him when he feels like it. Such a promise made to one who is reasonable and trustful isn’t out of place for the sake of peace, but made to someone who is insecure and lives in perpetual fear of suspicion of his or her partner having an affair is like sentencing oneself to prison. He would never allow you made an independent choice of friends, even the female ones whom he would later come to accuse of you of using as fronts to have affairs outside him.
The truth is, by agreeing to his terms, you aren’t helping him get over the thorny issue of his insecurity. He has to be taught how to trust and to do that, he has to be reminded that life is generally a huge gamble. No right and profitable decision is ever made without sacrificing something precious. He has to learn to sacrifice his heart to help you make him happier and showcase the extent you can love him. Even if he was hurt terribly in the past by a woman, he has to give himself and you a chance to be happy by learning to trust all over again.
If he continues to hold himself prisoner of the past, he denies himself and any woman he entangles himself with the chance to be happy.
As an individual you have a right to your friends just as he has a right to his friends provided these associations are executed in the open. That you are in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from speaking to a man or being friends with your male neighbours, colleagues or classmates. You also cannot stop him from having female friends. What is important is the level of trust you have in each other. If he trusts you and you trust him, no felony has been committed by you being friends with this other man or he being friends with a female neighbour, colleague or school mate.
For a man or woman who is always mistrustful, no amount of sacrifices would always be enough to assuage his or her suspicions unless the partner is ready to relinquish every self-authority to please or for the sake of peace in the relationship.
It is either he learns to trust you and your words or forget about the relationship entirely. He has to make up his mind this early to let go of any disappointment he may have suffered from the past. He has to learn to trust you on your own merit. He has to learn to accept that whatever happened to him in the past, you are not to blame
hence must give you the freedom to make your mistakes just as you are willing to endure his own mistakes too.
However you must admit your own mistakes too. What have you been doing wrong in all these to keep his frustration on? Are you sure, you really don’t have any ulterior relationship with this other man beyond what you advertise? Beyond the issue of your relationship with this man, do you accord him his due respect as the head of the
relationship? Are you arrogant? Some of the things women think are unimportant turn out to be major issues that count with majority of men. So, it is essential you take time out to study him so as to know the things you must avoid when with him. Do you run an open relationship with him such that he knows where you are at a particular time, knows how you come about the clothes and things you wear? Do you value his opinion in other areas? What sorts of clothes do you wear? What sort of friends do you keep? These are some of the issues that may keep fueling his suspicions of you.
Sincerely, it is unfortunate that this is coming up after you both have invested five years into this relationship.
Frankly, it points at a flaw in the relationship because both of you should have been able to overcome this. He should by now have an idea of what you are capable of doing just as you should have developed the understanding and patience to handle him. That this problem has persisted shows that you have both been concentrating on the wrong values.
Whether you remain in this relationship or not, one issue is clear, learn to focus on important issues that can stand the test of time always. Having identified the problem early, you should have worked towards helping overcome it by making him open up to you on his past. The information would have informed you on how to help him build confidence in himself and you. It may not have been another girl who is responsible for his current state of mind. It could be his mother, aunty, sister or simply from hearing stories of other men. Unless you make the effort to know, you will never know where to begin from and what to say or do to bring him out of the shell of caution and suspicion he has build around himself.
For instance, if the problem were coming from his family, what you would say and do would be different from when it is coming from a former girlfriend.
Insecurity in men can be very difficult to manage but a woman who is sensible, applies her God given wisdom can handle the problem without allowing it affect the peace and progress of the relationship.
Overall, you require wisdom to handle this relationship should both of you decide to give it another trial. Use the knowledge of your five years together to help him overcome his mistrust for women generally. Above all, learn to pray for strength, direction and help from God always. Unless God is involved in our decisions, relying on our wisdom leaves us with regrets and pains.
Before deciding on what to do, take time out to talk to God. Ask if this man is His choice for you and tell Him to give you a sign you can quickly understand because God often time when He speaks through signs and situations we don’t understand. We count them as signs of problems instead of symbols of liberation from a mistake we are about to make.
Good luck.
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