Thursday, December 29, 2011

He wants to marry me hours after we met

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I have benefited tremendously from it, and I want to say thank you.

However, there is this problem I have with this man I met on July 30, 2008. That day, it was raining and he stopped to give me a ride on his bike. Although, I wanted to decline the offer but changed my mind when the possibility of not getting another means of transportation out of the place dawned on me.

The rains became very heavy on the way so he decided to take shelter somewhere until it subsided. As we waited for the rains to go down, he told me of his interest in me. I told him it was very difficult for me to trust any man.

He responded also by mouthing his fears about women too. But he tried to assure me that not all men were capable of maltreating women. There and then he declared his desires to marry me.

Since we were meeting for the first time, I was taken aback by his declarations. I told him, it was out of place since he wasn’t my boyfriend. He demanded to know if I had any, I told him I didn’t have any. I also told him that I was still a virgin. He said he wanted to be sure I wasn’t out to deceive him by telling him that.

My challenge now is what can I do to convince him to go and see my parents? He said he could only go to see my parents on the condition we come up with something.

Another issue is that he has not rented a house. He lives with his friend. I have also told him that if he wants us to continue to see, our meetings should be in the open but he refused. What else should I do? Please direct me on what to do.

Ogechi.



Dear Ogechi,

Be careful. It is too early for the two of you to be discussing marriage, and given the situation under which you both met, there is the need for both of you to devote more time to studying each other first.

It is not just a matter of coming to see your parents, rather it is more of you knowing the man you want to bring home to your parents. For instance, do you have an idea of what he does for a living or anything about his values, person and character?

If called up to defend certain things about him, what can you say about him? Marriage isn’t an affair where you both meet, do what you want to do and bid each other bye-bye. This is a lifetime partnership, one that requires both of you to spend the rest of your lives together, a union that would transform a complete stranger to the most important person in your life. Deep down, do you think you have the information about this man to give in to this type of commitment?

Marriage is living yourself in another person. Giving your dreams to another person to help execute for you and entrusting all of your essence to another person. Although a journey of uncertainty, it is one that you must have certain assurances before going into it.

What assurances do you have that you and this man are compatible to an extent?

A marriage takes more than love to work. Yes, love begins the process but it doesn’t end it. Rather, it requires understanding, selflessness, perseverance, friendship, respect, loyalty, trust and plenty of prayers to manage.

Does he have the maturity as well as understanding to overlook some of your excesses or you his’? What are his ambitions in life, his dreams for himself as well as for his family? All these are important things you cannot know by jumping into marriage.

The process leading to marriage must strive on honesty and unbiased submission to flourish. The reason for this isn’t far-fetched. It is tedious enough trying to endure the presence, character and deficiencies of another person within the union of marriage, to add ignorance to that is to cripple the union before it even has a chance to survive.

The essence of having a courtship is to give a couple fair chances to remove the veil of being strangers to being friends. Marriages are collapsing because couples are fast-forwarding the entire process to skip the all-important beginner’s manual.

Meeting your parents should not feature now. First concentrate efforts at growing the relationship. With time, you would know if he is the right one for you or not.

Without a thorough study of your beginner’s manual, don’t expect the advance level manual to make any sense to you.

And if you truly want to keep that virginity of yours, stick to your resolve to keep the relationship in the open.

Good luck.

He won’t marry girl he had slept with

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I have been in this relationship for two years. I always dreamt it would end in marriage, but suddenly he told me that I could opt for another man if I wanted to. He said he can’t marry a lady he has had sex with, but suddenly he is back again, I don’t know what to do.

Dora.



Dear Dora,

He can afford to tell you to source your happiness elsewhere because you gave in too cheaply to his sexual demands. If he says he cannot marry a woman he has had sex with, it is because you gave him a reason to think you are in the habit of donating your body to every man who comes your way.

Painful and spiteful as his attitude is, it only goes to underline the fact that men want women for other reasons than sex. When it comes to the choice of a life partner, most men are not looking for the woman who scores excellently well in the bedroom alone. They want a woman who knows everything about pleasing a man. This goes beyond sex; rather it is more about all the other things that transform an ordinary friendship into a lifetime union.

When a woman lacks patience, understanding of the man in her life, doesn’t know how to help him groom or expand his dreams, isn’t his friend, doesn’t know how to care for his home or cook his food, has no respect for him or his friends, is completely ignorant on how to transform a boy-man into a man.

A woman must have all the extras to inspire a man to want to keep her. Also some men prefer a woman, they can teach on their own personal etiquettes. They don’t want a woman who comes with any previous experience.

Now that he is back, there is the need for you to spell out the conditions under which you can have him back. This is your opportunity to teach him some lessons in mutual respect, to make him understand that giving him your body doesn’t make you cheap and without principle, that you gave him your body for two years because you loved him and not because you have very low moral values.

Whether he meant what he told you or not the first time is immaterial. What matters is his total evaluation of your person. Whatever excuse he may come up with now to explain his reason for saying what he said, in your interest don’t be deceived because what he said is precisely what he thinks about you.

In the first place, ask yourself if it is essential you go back to him. Do you think he is capable of defending your honour if something wanting him to defend you in such circumstances comes up?

You have to be sure you are not letting yourself in for a very serious disappointment later in life. This is the time you have to be very honest with yourself; when you have to overlook the issue of love and focus on all the other things you deserve in a man. One thing is for you to know what you want; another is to get what you deserve to keep you absolutely happy in life.

In the last two years, you gave freely of yourself to this man because you thought he is what you need to be happy. But is he what you deserve in life? Do you think you deserve his condemnation given the fact that he also enjoyed tremendously from the intimacy you offered him?

If you think you deserve his condemnation or feels your love for him is something you cannot do without for some inexplicable reason; consider him but not before you spell out what format your relationship would take from this point.

You can have him back but on the condition that you would no longer sleep with him until he pays your bride price. With this kind of man, your determination and ability to stick to your resolve is the only thing that can earn you his respect. If you make the mistake of capitulating midway, you risk being hurt deeper than he has already done.

Good luck.