Wants Me In His Love Life Without Prior Contact

Dear Agatha, 

Please there is this little problem I want you to help solve. There is a friend whom I meet just once before he travelled to United Kingdom. Shortly before New Year, when he was due to return home, he called to ask me to be his girlfriend.

My problem is that I will be 26 years in three months. I haven’t been into any relationship ever since the disappointing relationship I had with my first boyfriend. I graduated last month. Please what will I do? 

Rossy.

Dear Rossy, 

I really don’t understand what you want or what the problem is. What has your being 26 years of age got to do with the fact of this man asking you to be his girlfriend? Is it that you are older than him or lied to him about your age?

Whatever it is that is causing you to be afraid, come out with the truth concerning yourself and your previous relationships. Also tell him the challenge you may be having, trusting him especially given the unpleasant way your former relationship ended. 

Knowing what he is up against in the area of trust will give him an idea of what to do. The best way to tackle this issue is to hear him out, his plans for you as well as how long you intend staying apart given the fact that he now lives abroad. Both of you should talk freely about your past and the relationships you have been through before you both met. This is one of the ways to entrench trust as well as build the right foundation for your relationship. No relationship survives suspicions and disloyalty. Also be vocal in telling him about your inner fears, including the one you have about your age, what you expect from him as well as your likes and dislikes. 

With prayers there isn’t anything that can’t be achieved in life. Even when everything seems hopeless and impossible, just hold on to your faith in God, trusting Him to do the best for you at His own time and season.

Good luck.

Before Her Husband’s Unbridled Quest For Sex Thwarts My Wedding

Dear Agatha,  

I had this classmate in the secondary school that became my best friend after being roommates at the polytechnic.She told me of a man that wanted to marry her, but that she declined. I persuaded her to marry him, but she refused.

During my Industrial Training in the same company where the man works, he wooed me. But I declined on the ground that he has interest in my friend. He told me my friend refused him, but I still declined to have anything to do with him, though I so much desired a husband then. I didn’t want to be accused by anybody of betraying a friend.

We later met them in Lagos as married couple, the wife became my best friend, and she was cherished by my husband as a true friend, but her husband refused to let me be. My friend did not know what transpired between us before they met and married. 

He is fond of trying to hug me when the wife is not watching. I have been trying to avoid him. Unfortunately, when my family travelled for Xmas, I had to move in with her. I couldn’t go with my family because of my job since I wasn’t given permission to travel. 

For security reasons I was scared of staying alone in a whole house where there was no other person. Despite my cautioning him about his behaviour and my appeal to him that he has the best wife in the world, he still won’t let me be. To avoid problems and suspicions, I refused to tell my husband or his wife about this. The couple maintains separate rooms and the room given me is closer to the man’s room. 

Knowing how mischievous he can be, I had to take to locking the door to the room since he is capable of sneaking into my room at night, because the wife hardly goes to his room. Noticing my friend’s attitude towards sex from our discussions, I have tried my best to encourage her to give him quality sex, but she appears adamant. 

During the time I was there, he would deliberately wait for me to emerge from the room to make attempts at hugging me. He actually forced himself into the room as I made attempts to lock the door. I had to run out of the room while my friend was in her room oblivious of what game her husband was trying to play with me. 

I can’t tell my friend least I break her home and I can’t tell my husband, he will break the relationship with my best friend. Although he has since apologized for his behaviour, what do I do? 

Should I completely keep off his house, tell my husband and friend about his behaviour?  She is more like a sister to me. We don’t have secrets beside this.

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

Marriage is sacred and whether you like it or not, you are becoming a third party in this marriage. Granted, you are trying your best to discourage him, the truth is that if you don’t put a wide distance between you, you are liable to that one mistake that would lead to the destruction of the very thing you are now trying to prevent. Don’t forget, feelings have no common sense, just passion and when it comes in a place and moment of weakness, it is done within minutes even before the person has the time to think. Don’t give this man the opportunity by your determination to keep his wife as your friend at all cost, make you do something that you will forever regret.

This is the time for you to make the important sacrifice of letting go of this friendship, because to insist on it is akin to playing with a naked fire. You are not indispensable to her. Before you met her, she had other friends just like you also had. There is no way she would ever understand that her husband has been the one chasing you from the moment you both re-established contact. Who would believe you when you have never told your husband about him or his wife about his desire to date you at your first meeting before now?

Sincerely, none of these two would ever trust or believe you, so do protect the integrity of your person and sanctity of your home, tell your husband about this past as well as the other things he has been trying to do to you since you met him again. Apologise too for not telling him before now as well as the reasons you decided not to.

You don’t have to tell the wife, but telling your husband would help you to deal with it once and for all. If your husband thinks it best for both families keep their distances from each other, follow his lead by setting aside your sentiment. 

If your friend persists in knowing what the matter is, why there seems to be a frost in the relationship, make up a story about being busy. Sometimes cruelty comes with love and this is one instance you have to be cruel for the sake of love and the happiness of another person. 

This doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship but it has to be given a new definition for the sake of all concerned. You can keep on being good friends through telephone conversation, text messages and e-mails. The friendship can still be as good, provided you are sensible enough to avoid her home or being alone with the husband. Both of you can have lunch together as well as see during the office hours. She doesn’t have to know from you the type of man she is married to.  That she will get to find out from other sources, your duty as her friend is to continue to encourage her to do what she has to do to keep her home. For instance, the issue of her attitude towards sex underscores the need for her to change her attitude if she intends keeping her home. Continue to make her understand the danger to her lukewarm attitude to sex is putting her marriage on dangerous end. Let her know it is capable of pushing her husband into the arms of another woman. 

It is for the collective you must make this painful decision to put a small distance between you and this couple at least in the area of going to spend time in her house or go without your husband. 

Also, you need is the wisdom and presence of God to do what you have to do.

Good luck. 

A-Z Secrets Of Successful Inter-racial Wedlock, Please

Dear Agatha,

The heartfelt prayers of your readers are that the lords will continue to strengthen you in all your endeavours.

Agatha, my question is “what is the best way to make inter-racial marriage work?” considering the kind of society we have, especially in the case of the man being a Nigerian and the woman, a foreigner, who has to come and live in the country.  

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

By being very forthright with the person you intend to marry. Because there will definitely be a clash of two cultures. The best thing to do is to thoroughly school the woman especially in the ways of your people. Let her know what is sensitive to your people, that important thing they will not compromise as well as those things they and your society expect of their wives. She has to be taught the traditional way of greeting one’s in-laws in your place, knowing the right words to use is always a bonus any day. You also have to teach her how to make your native cuisine. You don’t have to teach her everything but knowing one or two important ones will help put her at an advantage and make it easy for her to integrate.  Explain to her that while you don’t find anything wrong in the diet you have both adopted as your own, it is however important that she also learns to cook to please the extended family when they decide to visit. On this score, let her know that in Nigeria, the extended family system is one we support and cherish. Don’t pretend that you will continue to support her foreign ways because it won’t be possible with you living in Nigeria. Giving her the impression she would always have her ways is the best way to destroy your marriage. But by preparing her for the worst scenario, she is able to endure as well as deal with whatever challenges that come her way. 

Often, the problem with inter-racial marriages come from the man’s refusal to fully explain the way of life of his people (custom and tradition) to his would-be wife, forgetting that whatever it is the man is trying to hide will become manifest to the foreign wife as the days go by. By the time the woman realises that her man was stingy with the truth, the anger of deceit as well as attendant frustration would make explanations impossible for her to accept. But when she is told everything before she leaves certainty for uncertainty, it makes the adjustment easier for her to cope and deal with. 

Don’t also forget that even in marriages between two persons who are from the same place go through problem of adjustments, disagreement as well as accommodation of each other’s weakness. Once you both have the understanding as well as appreciation of each other’s weaknesses and strengths, it will work. In addition, you must learn to be very supportive of her efforts as well as protection from your people who may want to take advantage of her person or naivety to cause her stress. 

Knowing that you are always there for her even when she makes mistakes will encourage her to do more for your sake. This is where your own understanding of her culture comes to play. While she is expected to adapt to yours, you must never forget that she also grew up with a different kind of orientation, one she will never completely forget. Hence, you must, at all times, appreciate that little efforts that make everything whole in your relationship. 

Good luck.  

Re: Before Wanting Of Girl-child Breaks My Home

I read the above piece, and thought I could contribute a little. 

First, you were right with your response. But then, the writer had probably heard that severally. He asked a legitimate question. And I believe it will help if he knows the answer.  To start with, it is important to know that the egg cell released by a woman at ovulation can only contain an X chromosome. The semen, on the other hand, contains both an X chromosome, slower but lives longer, and a Y chromosome, which travels faster but dies early. So, intercourse three days prior to ovulation will most likely leave behind an X chromosome in the semen to fertilize the X chromosome from the woman. The result is a female.  This is because the Y chromosome may have died earlier. Ok? 

On the contrary, if the intercourse occurs after ovulation, that gives room for the faster chromosome from the man to fertilize the X chromosome from the woman. My bet is on the Y chromosome.  That will lead to male child.  However the main problem is to know when ovulation takes place. That is another discussion entirely. As a general rule, it is around 14 days to the end of the menstrual cycle.   This is my contribution. But then, I must say that God’s decision is final. And we just have learnt to love whatever we are given equally. By Dr. Mohammed, U.F.

Comprehensive Health Centre, Erijiyan-Ekiti, Ekiti State.

08022520296

Dear Dr. Mohammed,

Thanks for helping us to address this very important issue that is affecting most families. God bless you. Agatha.