My best friend is the father of my only son!

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I salute the special gift of God in your life. I am someone very close to you and have watched your growth since you were a child. I admire your courage in life. My pride stopped me from coming to you personally. Besides, this issue affects my first son, a close friend of yours. This story happened in the 60s. Then as a military officer, I moved around a lot. Not desirous of my moving my young family, my wife and daughter around, I decided to leave them behind in Lagos, when official duties took me to Kano. I left them in the care of my childhood friend. By the time I came back, she said, she was already pregnant. The baby came prematurely. When the time of my leave was over, I still asked my best friend to continue to look after them. While in Kano, I heard through the grapevine that my wife and my friend’s wife fought. The people who told me about this development claimed not to know why they fought. But a few weeks later, I got a letter from my sister asking me to move my family to Kano. She said there were rumours that my wife was dating my best friend. I refused to believe her, but decided it was best I come to Lagos. I took some days off to come and investigate things myself. Though neither my friend nor wife mentioned any disagreement, my friend’s wife said I should take my wife and children along with me to my base. She said she didn’t want to be the reason for any misunderstanding between my friend and I. I assured her of my decision to come back for them within weeks. True to my promise, I did. During the civil war, I lost touch with my friend. Since then attempts to get him have proved abortive. I honestly thought he had died because he left Lagos to fight on the side of Biafra. Although my first son is now married with a family of his own, something happened recently that is causing silent commotion in my life and home. My friend has come back to lay claims to the boy. Seeing him made me remember that thing that keeps nagging me about my son, the uncanny semblance to my old friend. From what my friend is saying, he is his only surviving son just as he is mine too. I lost my second son to an accident recently. My wife has confessed to what she denied decades ago. My problem now is not even my wife or the fact that she had been unfaithful to me, but the issue of how to inform my son about his paternity. He is such a responsible young man and a good leader of my team. Besides, I am not ready to let go too, even prepared to go to court over the issue. This is why I need your advice as well as the intervention of well meaning Nigerians. At 75, I have seen all there is to see about life so my wife unfaithfulness doesn’t move me one bit. But I am very particular about the welfare and happiness of my children. And I am not ready to let go. Papa. Dear Papa, He isn’t so young as not to understand the issues involved in all these. Painful and sad as the news will be to him, you must summon the courage to inform me. There is no way you can keep such fundamental information away from him. Besides, it is best he gets to hear it from you than from another person. There is also no telling how far your friend is willing to go in the pursuit of getting back his child. You have the advantage of being the man who has nurtured him from birth. At his age, it is not a simple matter of his biology but of the many factors that add up to make him the man he currently is. He is no longer a boy, a little child that cannot tell his right from his left. He is a man, one who has children and knows what responsibility is. By now, he knows that no responsible man goes to bed with a married woman let alone the wife of his best friend. Besides, why wait until now that he is all grown up and married? Would he have come if he didn’t lose all the other children? Is it right for him to come forward to claim the child of this best friend? Your son knows what is good for him, knows that life is a complex mix of all tiny bits. Call him, man to man, and lay bare everything that has to do with your life from the beginning to your present time. Don’t hide anything from him, including all the gossip about your mother and your best friend. Let him also know about the letter your sister wrote to you as well as your suspicions. The fact that you elected to ignore all these leading evidences point to your unconditional love for him. These are the things that will forever make the difference in his life. For the sake of your son, don’t engage your old friend in any legal tussle. It will destroy the foundation of your home. Besides, the boy in question is a grown man. He is long past the age of consent. He is in a position to make his decision, decide whom he recognises as his father and who not to accept. Therefore, it would be a sheer waste of time for you to go to court on his account. In addition, it will make the other children wonder at their relevance to you. Getting too emotional may make the others wonder at the real reason for your disappointment. They would naturally wonder if you would have fought bitterly to keep him if they were boys. After talking to your son, arrange a meeting between them. Don’t make it appear to your friend as if you are desperate to hold on to him at all cost. Also, it’s important you give your boy the chance to exercise his freewill. Resist the urge to protect him from the unknown because the best of our intentions are most times misconstrued by the same people we seek to protect. You actually stand to lose more if you attempt to prevent both of them from meeting. It is also absolutely important, you don’t give either of them the impression that you cannot do without your son. This will make you very vulnerable and subject to their manipulations. You have trained him, provided him with the opportunity to be the success he is now. Even if his father makes a claim to him, the years he spent in your home, heart and life can never be quantified, hence cannot be taken away from you. Nothing can change that. There is also the need to tell the other children about it. This is necessary to avoid the attendant confusion of hearing from a third party. Hearing it from you will water down whatever reactions that follow such shocking story. Furthermore it will help them resist mischievous elements within and outside the family who may want to manipulate this development to their favour. It is also a way of assuring your children that you and their mother aren’t going to go your different ways. No matter how old a child is the prospect of parents breaking up is usually traumatic. No child wants to go through the process of watching the parents go their different ways. Once they know it won’t affect your marriage to their mother, they will settle down to protecting the family’s name. But the moment you give the impression that their mother is going to lose her home on account of what happened over 50 years ago, not only will the children start trading blames, they will also begin to take sides with either you or their mother. Invariably the family suffers disunity. In addition, you should really be interested in knowing what your former best friend has to say to your son as well as your son’s reaction to him. His reaction will give you a good insight to so many things concerning the future of your family long after you must have joined your ancestors. Only God gives good children. We cannot make good children out of our children. Perhaps this is God’s way of opening your eyes to a nagging issue that has been bothering your mind for a long time. Ask God to give you the presence of mind to learn the lesson in it for you. Good luck.

I’m still hanging on, she has moved on

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I wrote to you sometime last year seeking your wise counsel on ways to handle my girlfriend’s situation. I left her after five years of thorough relationship to study aboard. In those five years, I only visited home when my father died in 2009. In 2010, she wrote asking me what my plans for the next two years were. Since I was still in school and didn’t know she was looking for something, I told her my plans, which were to finish school, further my studies, come home and start work. Honestly if she had been clear or more direct about what she meant, I could have answered her differently, but truly as at then I was not ready and even now, I am still not ready. The bottom line is that she got a proposal and accepted it. I felt betrayed when she told me about the proposal and her acceptance in January this year. I deleted everything about her from my Facebook, BBM and phone. That was the only way I felt I could forget her quickly, because the pain was too much. She too could not bear it. She called me that she was joking but something in me remains unconvinced. So I started preparing my mind, just in case. I would have been home by now but something has been keeping me here since January. Besides, I have been having this strong feeling of pending danger that has to do with my relationship with her. On the 17th of last month, I called her to discuss these feelings with her. She made me promise not to delete her details from my contacts since she can’t stand without communicating with me. She went on to confirm the earlier story of her engagement as well as the preparation her parents are putting in place. She made it appear as if she was under pressure to marry. Agatha, she is just 23 and still in school. She is a 300 level student while I am 25. I asked if she is all right with the situation, she said yes, especially as I wasn’t ready to settle down. She said since I was ready, she had to move on. When I first learnt she wanted to get married, I persuaded her like you suggested in my previous letter to you that she holds on till I return. We agreed we would sit to discuss. God knows I love this girl but obviously she chose someone else over me. I would have persuaded her to wait but it seems plans are now in top gear and too late for me to do anything about the marriage since they have already gone for marriage counselling. I am used to her. She wants me to forget her. From all indications she has moved on long ago. She is obviously feeling pity for me because in my five years abroad, I did her no wrong. Before the advent of BB, I was calling her regularly thrice a week, and when the BB technology became a common place, I was always in touch with her at anytime of the day. She wants us to continue as friends, but it isn’t easy for me. Talking to her is like opening old wounds. I don’t want to appear like a bad loser but she is my source of joy. The thought of her in another man’s arm is killing me softly. Agatha please I need your wise counsel. Broken Guy. Dear Broken Guy, Only one relationship among the many we enter in to will end up in marriage. Some happen to teach basic lessons of life while others happen out of our foolishness or inexperience. Besides, every relationship comes with a unique package intended to light our way through the next one. Whenever a relationship goes bad, it is meant to educate us on the mistakes to avoid in our next effort. You dated this lady for close to a decade. You thought you will end up as an item but God has other plans for both of you. From all indices, you both put in a lot of efforts into making this end in the way you wanted, but other things happened to derail all your plans for each other. A lot of your problems are inexperience related. There is no way at your age you can conduct long distance relationship successfully. At the time you left the country, both of you lacked the experience to deal with the reality of long distance relationship. Most of what you felt, thought, and planned were based more on idealism rather than reality. You were just 20 while she was only 18 at the time you left the country. At her age then, the idea of having a boyfriend abroad was appealing and something to boast about among her friends. But as she grew older, cynicism from friends, aided by fears of her time ticking away changed some of her views about the relationship as well as the sincerity of your words and feelings for her. The fact that you only came back once in those five years further reinforced the sense of insecurity she was beginning to feel about the whole relationship. Between the time you left and now she has grown from a teenager into a young woman who should be thinking of her future and getting serious with a man in her life. Being so far away, you couldn’t offer her the security her situation was beginning to demand. No doubt you tried through constant telephone conversations to assure her of your love but in this instance she wanted more than mere words from you. She needed your physical presence to do the talking for you and deal with all the doubts that were being planted in her mind by friends whose boyfriends were present. Even though she may not have said it, she certainly had her doubts, about your fidelity towards the relationship. Being a man and very far away from her, nothing in her opinion was stopping you from having another girlfriend there. Doubtless, with the kinds of heartbreaking stories told by those who have ventured into distant relationships tell about their experiences, she won’t be the first to worry about the sincerity of the man she had only seen once in the five years he has left her. At the time she called to ask for your plans, she wanted something different from what you have been telling her since you left. She wanted you to come up with something more concrete, the kind of plans that will shelter her in your love. When it appeared as if you were stalling, undecided on how to proceed with the relationship, her alarm bells went up forcing her to take another look at her options and offers. She didn’t want to lose at both ends Granted, she may not love this man as she loved you or desired you, but he has more applicable plans and above all was physical within her reach. At least, with him she could tell where she stood. There is little or nothing you can do at this point. Whatever you think of her decision doesn’t matter anymore. She now belongs to another man; therefore you must let go and force yourself to love another woman. Many men and women before you have had to deal with the emotional pains of seeing a loved one go for good. It is all part of human history and experiences. You will get over it like all the others before you did. Heartbreaks don’t last forever, there will always be another person ready to mend the heart as long as you are wise enough to avoid making the same mistakes. Now you know that it is wrong to go into any serious relationship unless you have the time and presence of mind to execute it. Leaving a woman alone for five years is like imprisonment. Until you are ready don’t promise a woman something you cannot easily give her, especially attention. The mind of a woman desires the awareness of the man in her life. She wants to be complimented and appreciated by her man at all times. The moment this is missing in her life, she becomes insecure and fearful of her position in the life of the man. This is why you must be free to love your woman in the different ways she wants you in her life. It is the only way to avoid the pains of watching another man, take your place in the life of your woman. As for this lady, allow her be. It is too late for you to do anything. Good luck.

He wants love-making spiced with new styles

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I need your help urgently. My husband and I are Christians. We both grew up in strong Christian homes and members of the same church. I actually married him as a virgin. Our marriage is five years’ old. Sometime last year, I noticed a sort of restlessness in my husband. He began to demand for new ways of making love. Some of them were very odd to me. I refused him and at a time threatened to report him to the church authority. That stopped him from putting the pressures on me. However since then, he hasn’t come near me. It has been six months now. I fear if nothing is done, I may lose him to another woman with the way things are going between us. I am not that naïve. My husband is the kind of man who loves sex. But I am worried about one thing. One of his requests was for oral sex; a practice I know is not biblical. Despite not knowing how to go about placating him, is oral sex recommended especially for us as Christians? Our church is against it. Please help me. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, What does the Bible say about the position of the husband in the home? What does the church say about the wife; her role in the home and husband’s life? Your Bible like mine harps on the headship of the man in the home front. Therefore, as your head, he has the right to ask while your duty is to give. Besides, the Bible also stresses the need for wisdom to succeed in marriages. As Christians, whose law is more powerful — that of the Bible or the church? You have to make the choice of what is important to you in life. It is either you go along with your husband’s desires or go with what the church wants. Your husband has made his position very clear; the choice is yours to make. It is either you negotiate peace at home on his terms or mortgage peace in your home simply because you want to do what the pastor says. Most times, what pastors say and what the Bible teaches aren’t the same. In the first place, it isn’t the business of the pastor or church to teach married couples what kind of sexual styles to adopt. The business of the church is to teach morals to both young and old; not how married couples should find their sexual harmony. To risk your marriage simply because a pastor is declaring his or her personal opinion on a matter that is very fundamental to the sustenance of marriage is to throw away the basis of your union. What you and your partner do in the privacy of your bedroom is your concern and not that of any other person. What would happen if your husband decides to marry another woman who can give him what he wants in the bedroom? Will the pastor marry your or the church force him to stay with you? What if he impregnates another woman? What would be your gain and story? What kind of stories will you tell your children, family and friends are the cause of break-up in your home? A marriage is an everlasting journey; one that requires so many sacrifices to make it work. If your husband is the kind of man that loves sex, you must learn to flow in the same realm else, you open your doors for another woman to take over. God that created sex knows the importance of it to the human mind and being. That is why He instructed it to be done within the walls of marriage. He knows its potency hence instructed the man and woman in the union of marriage not to deny each other the pleasure of sex. You broke this important rule by turning down your husband’s desires. If he decides to seek solace in the arms of another woman, the same pastor you are trying to please will be the first to deny and condemn your actions because the Bible is very clear on this matter. And, if he hasn’t asked you for sex for six months, it can only mean one thing, that someone else is already giving him that which you refused to. This is particularly so because he loves sex. I am sure the danger of this isn’t lost on you. If you don’t act fast to make amends, do something extraordinary to attract him back, you may just wake up and find another woman in your home as the new madam. Unfortunately that which, you should have done in stages and with his cooperation, you now have to fast-track on your own. Sex is the most delicate subject in every marriage. Once the chemistry is not properly mixed, it becomes the cancer eating into the binding fabric of the marriage. Sex in a marriage isn’t dirty, rather, it is very beautiful and special. Only people with uneducated minds, project sex as being evil and dirty. Sex has multifunctional roles to play in the development of a marriage as well as in the lives of the couple. One of the greatest things sex does is to fuse two people into one. When a couple has a really balanced sex life, you could almost tell from the way they think alike, look out for each other, are tender to their children and willingness to make extra sacrifices for each other. It makes the couple glow from within and brings about an ambience of peace in and around the couple. By denying your husband of his desires, how do you propose to grow your marriage to the level of absolute trust, loyalty and friendship? Like everything in life, we have to constantly upgrade for better results and satisfaction. Sex isn’t an exception. Every couple must from time to time upgrade sex between them else the marriage becomes stale and unexciting. Variations in sex are what keep the engine wheels of a marriage well lubricated. Eating a particular food every time can be very boring. Life shouldn’t be predictable. Sex is fun hence it needs different constant ideas to make it a pleasure each time a couple goes on an expedition. Therefore, you must fight for your home and husband by reading books on how to improve sex in a marriage. You don’t have to like the positions he is asking for. The important thing is to work yourself into it. Remember your happiness is not negotiable. If having oral sex with your husband is what would make him come back home to you, do yourself a favour by doing it. There is nobody that can live your marriage for you. The power to make your union happy is now in your hands. Good luck.

My son-in-law blames me for my daughter’s bad behaviour

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this crisis in my daughter’s marriage. My eldest daughter has been married for 12 years. She is blessed with four children but from all I have witnessed in her home, she is not a happy woman. Her husband, just like her father did to me, is unforgiving, arrogant and selfish. He doesn’t care about my daughter in the way a man should. He seems to think money is everything. He is never there for his children. It is so painful because I experienced all that she is going through in my own marriage. The only difference is that he is paying his children’s school fees while my husband didn’t even bother about our happiness and welfare. The funny thing is that he is always accusing my daughter of being arrogant and rude to him. I am a teacher. I brought my children up to be fearless; besides, my experience in the hands of their father has taught them to be independent as well as determined to protect their hearts from being hurt. As a woman you know how it is with children. Nobody sits them down to teach them how to react to a situation. I guess my struggles in the hands of their father influenced them a lot. My son-in-law is of the opinion that I haven’t really been fair to him; he is now blaming me for the way my daughter is behaving and has told me to my face that I am always supporting my daughter against him even when it is obvious to everyone that my daughter is rude to him. Given what I went through in the process of training and seeing my children succeed, there is no way I will ever support any man maltreating my daughter. I had enough of that in my time. And I have never hidden this from him. The latest is as usual, I went to my daughter’s house in response to her distress call on the latest challenges she was having with her husband. Since he wasn’t at home when I got there, I decided to wait for him. He came back at about 9 p.m. Despite seeing me in the living room, he greeted me casually and walked away. He didn’t bother to come out again even when I sent my daughter to inform him of the reason for my visit. The next thing I heard is his angry voice yelling at my daughter to pack out of the house if she so desires; that he is a man of his own and would not allow his home or himself to be pushed around. I couldn’t stomach the insults so I walked into their bedroom since they were already fighting only for him to turn to me in anger. He said I was the one ruining his home and that I should leave his home first thing in the morning. That night, I left to book myself into a hotel not far from their house. Now my daughter has packed out; her father and everyone else say I mislead her. I am fed up because I never prayed for this. Her mother-in-law also says I should keep and teach my daughter some manners especially on how to talk to people. Even though I don’t know how I am to be blame for all these, how do I make her go back to her husband and children? Adebisi Dear Adebisi, You allowed your experiences to blind you to the faults of your daughter. You blindly supported your daughter to the ruins of her home. You may have had the best intentions for her but your handling of the matter worsened the situation between your daughter and her husband. As an adult, you didn’t provide her with the benefit of your experience beyond the hurt you suffered from your own husband whose house you obviously are still in. You should have taught your daughter the secret of your staying power in her father’s house despite everything you went through. Your pains and disappointment in your own marriage unwittingly made you the third party in your daughter’s marriage. Granted, mothers don’t teach their children how to respond to a situation but it is the duty of every mother to protect her children’s future and homes from ruins. When your daughter started manifesting this trait of stubbornness, disregard for men and rudeness to the authority of the man at home, you should have called her to order, reminding her that if you are still in her father’s house, she should do everything humanly possible to manage the shortcomings of her man. No woman, who is rude and disrespectful to the authority of her man, will last in his house. That you went into their room uninvited to register your anger at what the man said about you to your daughter, really fingers you as the major problem in that marriage. You don’t order your son-in-law around. It isn’t done. He had the boldness to disdain you because you are lacking in respect for his person. Respect begets respect. Your place is in your husband’s house where you can play court, not in his house where your daughter is the mistress and not you. The lesson you didn’t teach your daughter is what is affecting her relationship with her husband. At the point you heard them in that hot exchange, you should have sent your daughter a text message to keep quiet and not go into trading words with her husband. As an elderly woman, that words you heard were enough to alert you into a pending danger; the kind that would implicate you as the source of all the problems in your daughter’s marriage. Whether you like it or not, you are trying to use your daughter’s marriage to avenge your own pains and disappointment. Unfortunately the target is an innocent man, who doesn’t understand what you went through or witnessed what your husband did to you. If you have a son whose mother-in-law is behaving like you, how would you react? That this man’s mother hasn’t come to personally throw your daughter’s things out before now shows that he must have kept his family out of his marriage. A good mother stands behind her son-in-law or daughter-in-law against her child. It is the only way to secure the marital happiness of her child. Coming to your daughter’s house each time she complains about her husband gave her the impetus to continue to misbehave. A man is the head of his home. He dictates how he wants things in his house. You are the least person to tell your son-in-law how to manage his home. Patience should have been your advice to your daughter each time she reported her man to you. If you weren’t patient, enduring, selfless in your own travails, you would have since left your home for another woman to take over. In your interest pray, your son-in-law is responsible enough not to bring in another woman to take care of him and his children. If he does that, you would have finally driven your daughter out of her home forever. Now that she is back, it is essential you debrief her properly. Teach her how to be a good wife and mother; the kind that puts the interest of her husband and children first; the woman who is willing to make the sacrifice for the peace of her home. The first thing to do is to teach her how not to talk back to her husband and how to keep you or anyone else out of their marriage. All her husband is asking for is respect. Once he has it, he will also be willing to accord everybody that has to do with her the same kind of respect. Also, it is essential you tell her the difference between her father and husband. If she has any issue with the way her father treated you and her siblings, she shouldn’t take it out on her husband. He is innocent of this judgment you and your daughter have sentenced him to. One way you can help her is to change your attitude towards your own husband by forgiving him of any wrong he did to you in the past. Begin to accord him the respect he deserves as a man. This way your daughter will learn from you. Prevail on your husband to send for your son-in-law as you have forfeited your right to arbitrate on this matter. If you can swallow your pride, go to see his mother. Appeal to her to talk to her son; if there is anyone who can make him change his mind, it is his mother. Assure her you will never be a problem to them again and that you have really talked to your daughter on how to behave from now on. As a mother, you need also to go on your knees for God’s intervention in your life as well as your daughter’s. Only a true spirit of forgiveness can change the ambiance of things around you. Invest love in your life and those of your children. This is very important to the joy of your children. Good luck.

How do I tell aunty her husband raped my younger sister?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My younger sister and I are the only surviving children of our parents who died when we were young. I was 20 while my younger sister was just 15 years of age when our parents died. Fortunately I was already in my third year at the university. My boyfriend and other friends rallied round me to ensure I didn’t drop out of school. My aunty, the youngest of my mother’s siblings, immediately took over my sister. Although she was just five years older than me, she didn’t allow the vacuum created by the deaths of our parents affect us. She was and is still always there for us. She was also willing to take on my responsibilities but I discouraged her. When she insisted, I had no choice but to tell her about my boyfriend’s offer. But that didn’t stop her from sending me money on monthly basis. She didn’t get married until my younger sister was in her second year at the university. To everyone she was our elder sister, not our aunty. Among all our uncles and aunties, she was the one we could tell anything. My sister was her chief bride’s maid at her wedding. That was how close they were. Her first child is the carbon copy of my younger sister. But of recent, I noticed that my sister has been avoiding going to her house. My aunty too has called severally to ask if anything was wrong but I couldn’t give her answers. I know my sister that she doesn’t do anything without a reason, and I know my aunty she is angel in human skin. She doesn’t joke with us. She is ever so protective of us, which is why I didn’t understand why my sister, who is her favourite, should be avoiding her. When it was becoming something of concern to my aunty, I had to pin my sister down for information. It was then the truth came out. The husband of our aunty raped her while she was asleep in her room. Although he promised it will never happen again and that he was under the influence of alcohol, the fact that he did it at all is enough to send my sister away from the house. I didn’t doubt her because once or twice I have sighted him with different women going into a guesthouse. He doesn’t know that the guesthouse he often patronises is on the street my best friend lives. She is understandably afraid of him, but my aunty doesn’t understand my sister’s reason for staying away from her place. My sister too is hurting because she loves our aunty and the children very much. The bond between the two of them is very strong. When one of them is down, the other one seems to know immediately. My aunty knows something terrible happened to my sister in her house but she cannot say precisely. I don’t know what to do about this. How do I resolve this? I have a mind of telling my aunty about her husband, but that will be destroying her home. I am confused. Jibike. Dear Jibike, Tempting as it is, don’t be the harbinger of bad news to this woman who has been more than a mother to you and your sister. This is something you and your sister must take to your grave. Even if she gets to find out from other sources, don’t let her know anything about what her husband did to your sister or your knowledge of the other women in his life. Chances are she knows but like many women in her shoes is pretending not to know. Nobody likes to admit making a mistake in the choice of a spouse. Marriage is a humbling experience. It teaches patience and endurance at every level. Besides, what would she achieve by leaving him? She will only be making it possible for another woman to take her place. Many women make the decision to stay in some difficult marriages because of their children. She can still face the world if she keeps thinking nobody is aware of what she is going through. She will simply break into pieces if she knows that you both know about her husband’s weakness. As for what her husband did to your sister; there is no undoing that. It is painful and very regrettable. But cutting her off isn’t also a solution. Chances are from what she told you, she suspects what may have caused her favourite niece to abandon her home. The only thing is, she is struggling with believing her intuition. She stepped into your lives when you both needed her the most. Sending your sister to school and giving you pocket money every month must have cost her so much. At 25, she was too young then for the responsibilities of caring for two children, but she did, not minding the discomfort, sacrifice and things she had to give up for your success in life. You are like her first set of children, your sister she took in at the tender age of 15 especially. This is the kind of sacrifice this situation is also calling you both to make for her. Your sister cannot afford to turn her back on her now irrespective of what the husband did to her. It is a matter of timing her visits to avoid meeting the man at home. Given the lifestyle of your uncle, this should be easy to achieve. Your sister can divert her attention from the real issue by blaming her schoolwork or new boyfriend for her distraction. The important thing is to assure your aunty that nothing is wrong. For a young woman who elected to shoulder the responsibilities of two other young adults, she will always be worried about the success of her efforts. She may not say it. Don’t forget that there may be one or two persons in the family looking for signs of failure or disagreement between the three of you – something for them to mock her effrontery at her single-handed efforts at bringing you up. Your aunty appears to be a very smart lady. It won’t take her long to guess the reason for your sister’s attitude if she prolongs her visit to her house. If you aren’t married, you could offer to go with her to spend the weekend with your aunty and her children. And since the children are on vacation, they can come over to your place for a little holiday. This way, your aunty will not feel so abandoned or worried about the situation anymore. Beyond repairing the relationship between you and your aunty, there is the need for you to confront your uncle-in-law by letting him know you are aware of what he did to your sister as well as his other affairs. Tell him while you will not do anything to jeopardise his home, you will however not sit back and watch him toy with the emotions of your aunty or sister for that matter. Threaten to deal decisively with him, the next time he attempts to lay a finger on your younger sister when next she comes to stay with your aunty. Make him aware that you decided not to act on what he did to your sister because you don’t want to cause a scandal for him in the family. And you will not be so generous if the situation repeats itself either with your sister or anybody close to the family. Drop the hint that you might be forced to let his employers know he is a rapist if he doesn’t change his way. Men who use force on women to get their way are always afraid of exposure. Above all, you and your sister must never do anything to make your aunty unhappy. No matter the situation, always think of other ways to keep the family she struggled to build together. Bear in mind that you and your sister are more than her nieces – you have become her first set of children. And irrespective of her husband’s attitude, she remains the leader of your team. I understand your sister’s reluctance to go to that house given what happened to her but she is also hurting the one person who cares about her so much. This is what should always be uppermost in her mind as well as yours. Good luck.

Lion share of dad’s property opens my life to danger

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate this isn’t the kind of problem you solve. But I don’t have anywhere to go to. Like I mentioned in my text message to you a month ago, you are my role model, hence my decision to come to you. I live in Port Harcourt. I am the last child of my father and the first child of my mother. My father married my mother a year after he officially divorced his first wife. According to what I heard, he found her in the arms of another man right in his living room. Unfortunately, my mother couldn’t give him another child after she had me, but they were very happy together. My father passed on two years ago and my mother who was so miserable after the death of her husband, died a month after his burial. They were very close, so it didn’t come as a surprise to me when she couldn’t cope without her husband. She didn’t hide her desire to join her husband, immediately he died. Through the help of my father’s associates, I was able to complete my education. I am currently doing my masters programme. Late last year, my father’s Will was read. In it, he gave me and his second child from his first marriage the lion shares of his estate. He actually willed the bulk of his fortune to me: his houses, business and stock to me. His largest investment, he gave to my mother. Giving reasons for his decision to leave my mother, his second child and I his estate, he said, he doubted the paternity of his other children. He mandated the lawyer and executors of his estate to insist on a DNA test before they can inherit what he left for them. He also added a clause, to give me what he left for them, if they fail the test. This is where my problem started. While all the other children are united against me, determined to fight me with whatever means, including using assassins to eliminate me, my father’s immediate younger brother, who believes he is entitled to my father’s wealth has joined forces with them to fight me. One of my father’s friends who stood out to fight them is today down with a strange illness that daily defies solution. My mother, an Auchi woman, came with her aunty to Port Harcourt when she was just 10 years of age. They didn’t go back. According to her mother, her parents died during the civil war. The aunty she came with was her mother’s only sister. Unfortunately, this aunty didn’t marry so I really don’t have anybody from her side to run to. The kinds of nightmare I am having since the Will was read are frightening. The funny thing is that they are not concealing their identity from me. I don’t know what to do. My friends and the lawyer insist I fight for my rights – that they only want to frighten me off my rights. But the latest thing is a strange man breaking into my home armed. I don’t know what happened because at the point he was poised to kill me, he changed his mind. He told me to leave the house for the time being because those who sent him would get someone else to do it. My friends insist I involve the Police but I don’t want the matter more complicated than it is since they are my only family. I want to go to them to see if there is a way we can avoid killing ourselves over this property issue. The other members of the family have told my uncle, who is supporting them to desist from his course of action, but he is insisting I cheated him out of my father’s inheritance. Their mother too is backing them in this fight, claiming she worked with my father to make all these things possible. I am just 23 years of age. I am so confused and lonely. Please help me. Ese Dear Ese, Dead people don’t worry about property. If you die today, someone else will inherit the things left behind by your father. I empathise with you but when dealing with people, who are unreasonable, desperate and as well determined to do anything, it is always best to avoid such persons. There is no way they will ever agree to the Will left behind by your father because they see themselves as the rightful heir to his estate. Unless by divine intervention, they will always gang up against you because not only are you from another woman but obviously the favourite of your father going by the way he distributed his property. Therefore going to them is an exercise in futility. The worst kinds of battles to fight in life are those that have to do with blood relatives as well as those involving landed property. Whether one is right or wrong, such battles never get settled unless a life or more go for it. Do you want to lose your life over something, which at the end of the day isn’t important? These things may have become yours now but have you also stopped to reflect on the fact that the original owner, your father, who spent his energy, time and life working for these things, is dead? Also, the fact that their own mother is alive will never make them listen to you. As a matter of fact, she is the one using her children to fight this battle because she sees it as her chance to get even with your father, mother and you. Hell has no fury like a scorned woman. Your father humiliated her by not only leaving her to marry your mother, but also announcing to the world his reason for doing that. You and your mother represent an opened wound in her life and until she sees the end of you, her wound will never heal. Added to this is the clause your father left that the paternity of her three children be investigated. Even from the grave your father is still dealing with her; making it impossible for her to bury her shame silently. If nothing else, she will stop at nothing to hurt your father too in his grave. Knowing he loved you more than her children, the only way to get back her pound of flesh is to deal with you. In her current state of mind, she doesn’t care what it will cost her to terminate your life. The example of the strange illness of your father’s friend as well as the armed man that broke into your house are clear indications of how far she is prepared to go to actualise her claims. She is beyond reasoning at least, not in her current state of mind. Going to the Police will only make things messier for you. The combination of your stepmother and uncle is too strong for you to battle on your own. Your late parents would not want you to give up your life defending their property. If they could amass such wealth, nothing says you cannot do better than them in life. Many great and famous people started out with nothing. Only those who think they lack what it takes to make a success of their lives go to the extent your siblings and uncle are going. The sensible thing is for you to live the administration of the Will in the hands of the executors until all these troubles blow over. If you can, leave the country to a place where you can have the presence of mind to finish your studies and establish yourself. At any rate, everything in life is transient; nothing is ever permanent. God is the only everlasting person in life. Even if you live for a century, one day the property will still pass on to another person. None of you involved in this battle will live forever. Today they are in a position to oppress you but it could be your turn tomorrow to have the upper hand. He who runs away to fight another day is the wiser person, not that the one that stays to fight and die a needless death. It doesn’t matter if you are called a fool; what matters is what becomes of you later in life. There is also the possibility that some people too are hiding under the misunderstanding among members of the family to ensure the lack of peace in your family. Unless you do the adult thing of leaving, the truth will never be revealed. Importantly, learn to pray and get very close to God because He sees and knows everything. It is the only way for you to stay alive to tell this story and give the credit of your life to God. Good luck.

What can I do to bed my friend’s wife?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with my friend’s wife. Since the day my friend introduced me to his wife, I haven’t stopped dreaming about her. I met her a year ago when my friend invited my wife and I to his house to celebrate the 10th birthday of his first daughter. Something moved deeply in me when she smiled at me. I couldn’t stop comparing her, as we all sat down discussing, with my wife, who looked like the fabled duckling beside her, Twice, I have paid her visit when I know her husband isn’t in town, but beyond the courtesy of being my hostess, I could be dead for all she cares. The last time she came to our office to see her husband I was in his office. She barely looked my way throughout after the first exchange of pleasantries. From what my friend says about his wife, he is her world just like he appears to be. Unlike some of us, he doesn’t womanise even when he has a reason to come out for some drinks with the boys. He tells us that there is nothing he is lacking in his wife. The pride he talks about her makes me more determined to have her. It is getting to a very dangerous dimension for me. I am even ready to do away with my wife to marry her. At nights, I have wet dreams from dreaming and imagining what she would look like without cloths. I am even avoiding my wife because of all the kinds of thoughts and dreams that now occupy my mind. How do I go about this? I feel she is the woman for me. I want her so badly. Godwin. Dear Godwin, There is this saying that when a child falls he gets up and continues with his walk, but when an old man falls he looks back to see first the reason for his fall and to see who witnessed his fall. Look back into the past to what happened to all the men who stole the wives of other men – including David in the Bible. None of them escaped the wrath of God. They all suffered public disgrace in various degrees. How can you want another man’s wife so badly? Is there a draught of single and willing women ready to do your bidding as long as the price is right? If every man goes about thirsty for another man’s wife, what will happen to the marriage institution? What kind of friend are you? Despite the very low opinion you have of your wife, would you be happy if anyone tries to steal her from you? How do you want the world to remember you in history if this deadly desire of yours comes into the open? It isn’t done. This woman is married to your colleague and friend. He invited you to celebrate with his family at home because he saw you as a friend, one he can trust. Don’t do anything to betray the trust of a man who opened his home and the hearts of his family to you. No decent man goes after the wife of his friend no matter what. Even if she is the one asking for you to take her to bed, the law of decency forbids you to take up her offer because it is not everybody this man calls his friend. The word ‘friend’ is an embodiment of everything good that life has to offer. It means, this man trust you with everything that is important to him. What kind of friend backstabs his friend? What kind of friend plans sorrow for his friend? A man’s wife is his life, honour and pride. Unless you plan to kill him, stay away from this family before your ill-conceived feelings destroys the trust and harmony between this couple. This couple doesn’t need your kind of friendship. They are clearly better off without you in their lives. If the woman isn’t too friendly with you, it is because she can sense something her husband is clearly blind to. In her own way, she is sending out a warning, the kind you should not ignore if you are wise. Going to her house when her husband isn’t at home has her on the alert. In the first instance, you are not the kind of friend who should be visiting her when her husband is out of town or out of the house going by the time of your first acquaintance. If you know what is good for you and bothered about the effects this scandal will have on your person and family, fight the temptation. Even if you must have an extra-marital affair, do it with a single woman, not a married woman and certainly not one married to your colleague and friend. Dreaming about making love to her when you should be romancing your wife, improving on the relationship between the two of you isn’t right. You have allowed your lust for this woman get the best of you. How will you explain it to your wife if you mistakenly call out her name during intimacy with your wife? Dreaming about her, visualising her naked body next to yours is dangerous for everyone concerned. Unless your motive is to cause a major problem in her marriage that would make her husband drive her out of the house, resist this dangerous thought of yours. Even if you haven’t done anything with her, you are debasing this woman spiritually. She hasn’t done anything to encourage the type of things you are imagining about her. She is someone’s wife and mother. You have your own wife. This is pure covetousness; the reason men become killers or became fetish. No matter how beautiful this woman is, is she worth your soul or the destruction of everything you believe in? Have you bothered to think of all those lives you will be destroying along with yours if you don’t put a stop to this? Even if your wife’s feelings mean nothing to you what about your children’s? The worst thing that can happen to a man is to lose the respect of his children. What kinds of stories will you tell your children if this whole thing blows up in your face? Will you ever have the moral justification to stand before your children? Will you ever be able to command their respect again? How will you feel as a man if you perceive your wife to be interested in another man or envisioning another man while with you in the bedroom? It is the height of disrespect and disregard for the person of your wife as well as the sanctity of your marriage. It isn’t until you have slept with another woman that you commit adultery. The fact that you are picturing it in your mind is enough. There will always be a better woman or man than our spouses but responsibility is knowing when to draw the line between mere appreciation for one’s natural looks and lust. There is really no harm in appreciating the look of this woman but it becomes something else when you want to steal her from her husband and family and in the process destroy her happiness for your own selfish reasons. The reasonable thing to do is to help your wife become better; that is if true there are one or two things you don’t like about her. Start by talking to her about the issues or things you don’t like about her instead of plotting on how to steal another man’s wife. Every marriage needs help to become better. There is always a way if there is a will. You can at the end of the day, use this situation to improve on your relationship with your wife. God may have brought this woman to open your eyes to the neglect of your wife. That you described her as an ugly duckling underlines your indifference to her. The beauty that attracted you to this woman, she owes to the peace her husband is giving her in the home. A woman’s state of mind is always reflected in her face. When a woman is happy at home and with her life, she glows and blossoms and when the story is otherwise, she becomes sad, jumpy and ugly. This woman’s appearance would become like that of your wife if her husband treats her the way you are treating yours. Therefore, listen to your wife. Address whatever is making her uncomfortable as a woman, wife and mother. Give her the kind of support your friend is giving his wife to radiate. If you devote yourself to being a good husband, before long, that shine and peace you noticed in your friend’s wife will also be visible on the face and mien of your wife. That woman is the better side of her husband; give your wife the opportunity to also be the better part of you. Good luck.

I love no one like her, but she’s indecisive

With Agatha EdoEmail: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Let me use this medium to appreciate you for saving so many people from the challenges of our day-to-day relationships. I am 30 years of age, dating a lady who is in her 20s. Although not more than 25 years of age, she however behaves as if she is older than she really is. I met her when she was seeking admission into the university. For six months we dated until she called me one night to ask for suspension of the relationship. She said she needed time to sort out some private issues. I insisted she must tell me why she needed the break but she refused, all she said was she would tell me her reason after it was all over. She also assured I would appreciate her reason. As a result, we didn’t communicate for a good year. She later secured admission into the Federal University of Technology, Yola, Adamawa State. That is where she is currently living and schooling while I live and work in Abuja. Incidentally, the day and time I decided to call her was also when she made the decision to call me. Our calls clashed; I withdrew mine for hers to come through. When I asked, if she had come back to stay she said, it was a possibility. But from that day we continued from where we stopped. She later confessed that she left me for a year to enable her read and pass her O level papers. She said her love for me was becoming so much of a problem for her that if she didn’t ask for the break then, she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on passing her papers. According to her, now that she is back, she can handle her studies and our relationship. Things have been going on very well since October, last year until she stopped calling me. But I continued and each time I call her, she tells me she is missing me but because of the distance between us, the passion and feelings that she has for me have gone down. She said, she no longer has feelings for me. Last week, I asked her to marry me when she is on her industrial training but she said she wished she could develop enough love to agree with my proposal because I have been so good to her. She went on to say any time she makes the move to call me, something will prevent her from doing so, saying it wasn’t important. Agatha I love this girl. The distance between us is responsible for this situation. She swore to me that she isn’t involved with any other man and isn’t under any kind of pressure. How do I win her love back? Even though she says she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, she admits liking me a lot as well as expressed the hope that she could come to love me as much as she did again. I have prayed for someone else, but I haven’t found anyone. What do I do to save my relationship with this lady? Worried Guy. Dear Worried Guy, If you think this lady is worth having in your life, you must be ready to make the sacrifice needed to salvage the relationship. The distance between you and this lady is the effort it will take you to book a flight ticket to Adamawa State or to the nearest airport to the place. It isn’t as if you are millions of mile apart; you live in the same country, so what is preventing you from going over to see her and discuss things over? Not every relationship can survive the coldness of telephone calls especially if the relationship is still in its nascent stage. She may really love you, but it is obvious that she cannot cope at all with the loneliness; or the absence of her man for as long as a year. You work hence can afford to pay your way to see her. Relationship is about making sacrifices. Even if it is for a weekend, go over to discuss with her. From what you have said, she is indeed a very honest young lady. With her level of maturity and honesty, both of you should not have any problem whatsoever sorting things out. Besides, you also need to see where she lives as well as the kinds of friends she keeps. Be part of her life now that she needs the presence of her man by her side. One thing is to be in love another thing is to have the chance to build memories. Even if at the end of the day, she insists on going on with her plans to quit, it will be on record that you tried your best to arrest the downwards slide of your relationship. The truth is that every woman wants to be pampered by the man in her life. If you aren’t making the efforts to visit her while you both are in the country, what will happen when one of you is out? One mistake you made was not to go over the first time she asked for a break. Any man who cares so much about his woman would have taken the step of going over to find out what the problem really was. And when you both decided to come back together, you still didn’t think it proper to pay her a visit to seal up any wound the year-long separation may have caused. No matter how mature she is as a person, she is first and foremost a human being and a woman. She may not be able to put her hand on the specifics for now but your seemingly indifference may be the reason for her decision. Seeing her will help both of you dig into the real matter of her falling out of love with you. It isn’t normal. There is clearly something you are both glossing over which you are both ignoring or, which you are both pretending is a normal thing. Good luck.

How do I tell my wife I impregnated our neighbour

With Agatha EdoEmail: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Before I make this confession, let me say this; I love my wife and wouldn’t deliberately do anything to hurt her or our marriage. It is just that I couldn’t control what I am about to share with you. I honestly really didn’t plan for things to happen this way. Downstairs in our block of flat lives this extremely beautiful lady. She is a single mother of a young teenager. I am a full-fledged male. Not that she did anything to encourage me or the other men in our compound but from their looks, anytime she steps out of her flat, I know they all want her as much as I do. She was too put together for me; not the kind of woman, you could easily walk up to but there was this day I was passing and noticed that her meter was emitting smoke. She wasn’t at home, only her young child and the house-help. I had to use the fire extinguisher in my car to control the fire. Since my younger brother also worked with Power Holding Corporation of Nigeria (PHCN), I called him to help rectify the fault. I honestly didn’t have any ulterior motive for doing what I did after all, if I didn’t, the fire would have spread to the whole house. For the first time since she moved into the house, that night she came upstairs to thank me. She didn’t meet me but she left a message with my wife who passed on the message. Since then, she became more friendly towards me. The next time, it was her turn to assist me. My car developed a very sudden fault on the day I had a very important meeting at work. She was also going out at about the same time. Seeing my agitations, she offered to drive me to work. Not only did she drop me at my work in time for the meeting, she also offered to pick me as her office was just a street away from mine. That was how we became close. One thing led to the other and we became an item. Subconsciously I began to compare my wife’s way of dressing to hers. Like I told you, I love my wife but she is always careless with her dressing; not mindful of how a good dress sense can spur a man to action. Although I have always done my best to draw her attention to this obvious flaw in her, she is forever looking for excuses to justify her sudden poor dress sense shortly after she had our two children. I have always liked her cute and fashionable. I guess her decision to attend a different church, Mountain of Fire, made her change from who she was to who she is now, but deep down, I have never failed to mourn the death of her once vibrant dress sense. So, having a woman who knows how to dress with a good sense of fun was refreshingly different from what goes on now in my marriage. I didn’t know how we both got careless. But she is currently four months pregnant. It must have escaped her because she fainted while we were out on a lunch date with some friends. It was in the hospital that she discovered she was four months gone. Without even giving me time to digest the information or ponder over it, she told the doctor, she wanted an abortion. But he declined saying the position of the fetus makes it dangerous for any doctor to attempt an abortion. He also mentioned something about her delicate womb. Two other doctors said the same things. She has decided to relocate to London to have this baby. According to her, she doesn’t want the scandal that will follow if my wife gets to find out. She is also worried about the implication on her own life since her first child’s father is also a married man. I don’t know how to handle this woman as well as my wife. I am not irresponsible to deny my own child as she wants me to. She wants me to forget everything about the child and face my marriage. How can I do that? I may not be the perfect husband but it is simply against anything I believe in to deny a child I contributed to bringing into this world. How do I make a balance between my home and this situation? Albert. Dear Albert, You are the one at the centre of it all. You know your wife more than anybody just as you know what your marriage can and cannot endure. But one thing is for sure; your wife has to be told about this child to prevent your marriage from collapsing when someone else tells her about this child. She deserves to know the truth. Bitter as the truth maybe to her, still she has the right to know because that child will one day come back to look for his or her father. The story won’t be so easy to tell by then and it would cause a lot of problems between you and your wife. This is because the veil of trust between you and your wife would have been seriously damaged beyond repairs. Although, your marriage would be affected significantly by what you have done but, it can still be managed now than when a grown up child walks in to proclaim you as the father. You both still have time now on your side to control whatever injury your indiscretion would cause your wife and family. The fact that you didn’t allow her to hear the story from a third party; would make her listen to whatever explanations you have to offer. When issues become this complex in marriage, the best thing is for the man to tell the truth. Don’t hide behind any excuse; sincerely, such excuses as you gave are for now baseless. This is because you could have insisted on how you wanted your wife to look; going as far as meeting with her pastor and explaining your displeasure at the way your wife is dressing to him. No reasonable pastor would tell a married woman to ignore the desires of her husband because he would be blamed when the consequences come. The truth is that you were afraid to challenge the decision of your wife because you didn’t want to be labeled by the church as a worldly-wise husband. The lesson here is that you reserve the right to dictate what you want in your home. You were clearly not at peace with the decision of your wife to scale down her sense of fashion but you failed to make her see reasons with you. Rather than complain lamely about it, knowing how much you desired that aspect of her, you should have done everything, including telling her the implications on the marriage if she doesn’t at least consider your feelings. Had you done that, she would have had nobody to blame now for this accident but herself because it would be on record that you warned her of your weakness to well dressed women. However, hold on until the other woman has left for the sake of peace. There is no way your wife can endure seeing her without erupting. It will save all concerned the embarrassment of everybody getting involved in your marital problems as well as protect your wife from the knowing looks of some mischievous neighbours and friends. When you are telling her about this situation, tell her what you and the other woman agreed on. Don’t hold back anything from her. Fine tune discussions with the other woman on how you can contribute to the welfare of your child. And let your wife know what your financial contribution to the welfare of the child is. This is to protect you against any antics the other woman may want to display later in life. Above all, this is the time for you and your wife to resolve every outstanding issue in your marriage. It is important to the growth and survival of your union. This is the time to talk frankly about all the matters threatening to pull your marriage apart. To pretend all is well is to destroy this union beyond measure. Good luck.

Friends say I’m worse off being a virgin till wedding night

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am a 21 years old girl and still a virgin, although determined to be a virgin until my wedding night, but I cannot cope any longer with the pressures from every man that indicates interest in having a relationship with me. They all want sex from me. Once I decline, they move on. Consequently, I am very lonely and rejected. The last relationship I had broke up as the guy started asking money from me all because I made my stand on premarital sex known to him. Secondly, my friends are frightening me with tales they tell whenever I tell them about my decision to remain a virgin until my wedding night. They say all sorts of things like: a woman has to date several men to know the right man for her. They also claim that such a woman may develop cancer of pelvis and unable to enjoy sex. They are also of the views that if I don’t engage in sex now, I will be unable to satisfy my husband in bed since I won’t know the kinds of sexual positions to adopt that will give him good pleasures. All they are saying are beginning to sound like the truth, because I really don’t have any kind of experience when it comes to sex. Please Agatha help me I’m confused. Confused Lady. Dear Confused Lady, First there is no iota of truth in all your friends are saying. Sex isn’t what points a discerning minded woman to the inherent qualities of a man. Rather, a lot depends on her focus in life. A woman without her own dream, her own plans can never be able to identify the kind of man that will help her nurture to maturity her own dreams. Therefore, you have to begin your search for your Mr. Right from your own standpoint of the kind of life you want for yourself. As a young woman, where do you want to be in the next decade? What kinds of things do you want for your children as well as marriage? What kind of man do you want? Out there are different kinds of men; some are strong willed, determined to pocket their wives, giving no room for the wife to be anything else but to their own needs and wants. These are the ones that want to be in charge completely; don’t want their women to compete with them at home. They like the old order of the man being in charge absolutely. They provide everything for the family. There are some who aren’t intimidated by the successes of their women, are comfortable allowing their women pursue their own careers or dreams. They actually go out to help their women attain good results in whatever they want to do. Yet, out there are some men who are violent, selfish, irresponsible and lacking in respect for their women. To these men the world begins and ends with them. There are some who are very caring, protective and understanding. Some are natural playboys while there are those who are strict about family values. Unless you are absolutely clear about what you want, you won’t know what to look out for in any of the men that come to ask for your hand in a relationship. Besides, sex is one way to obstruct the vision of a woman determined to make the right choice of a life partner. Sex has a way of robbing a woman of her sense of objectivity. In a way, premarital sex affects women more negatively than men. This is because women are very sentimental; once a man is able to touch the right buttons, a woman’s natural ability to thoroughly think out her options becomes blurred by the memories of their moments together. This is where a lot of women get it wrong, ending up with the wrong men and the beginning of insurmountable challenges in their homes and lives. This is why you should not be ashamed of the path you have chosen. You have the rare chance of making the right choice, looking deeper than a man’s looks, sexual ability to who the man really is. No matter how inexperienced you are, when the time comes for you to become a guru in sexual matters, you will gain the knowledge from your husband. The act of lovemaking is natural; something God has infused into our minds right from the moment we were born. It is like asking how a newborn baby acquires the knowledge of where to look for breast milk. It is primeval; nobody teaches these things. Once you have a natural sense of adventure, isn’t afraid to exploit and exercise your femininity with your husband, you and your husband will have a very fulfilling time together as couple. Besides, if a woman doesn’t measure up in the bedroom, it means that her man is a bad lover. No matter how frigid a woman is, if she finds a man who is considerate, thorough, exciting and knowledgeable of what is expected of him as the leader of the team, she will come to full bloom. Therefore, don’t worry too much about your lack of experience for now. When the time is right, your experience will come through the hands of your husband. He will bring you up to his standard. Cancer? What has it got to do with being a virgin? Sex or lack of it doesn’t cause cancer. Don’t mind them. As for the men leaving you because you refuse to sleep with them, don’t worry about them. It only shows they are after your body and not your mind. A man who is yours will first be interested in knowing whom you are, how your mind works before expressing a wish to sleep with you. The right men always have the patience to wait because they desire to spend the rest of their lives with such women. The right man will understand your reason for wanting to wait until your wedding night. Sincerely, you don’t need these kinds of friends in your life if you are really serious about wanting to keep your virginity until your wedding night. Instead you need friends, who would encourage you in your quest. The fact that they have decided on the path to follow doesn’t mean you should go with them. Insist on your way of doing things rather than allow them to influence you. At 21, learn to be strong and very determined. You still have a very long way to go. While you are not too young to have a boyfriend, don’t be ashamed to let the man know what you stand for from the beginning. Contrary to what your friends think, men respect women who know where they are headed. Telling him what you stand for from the onset gives him the choice of either to stay or go. This in turn prevents you from unnecessary heartaches associated with going into a relationship with the wrong man. How many men would a woman sleep with before she meets the right man? If at the end of giving in to the pleasures of these men and they end up not staying, what would have become of you? Women suffer more from the wear and tear of frequent and roaming sex. Being faithful to a man helps to preserve a woman’s body and dignity, whereas going through different men make her body ages quicker since all these men are bound to handle her differently. Men have this attitude of manhandling the body of a woman they have no plans to marry. So, be wise and determined in your decision. Sex isn’t the only way available for a young couple to be happy together. By abstaining from sex, you give whatever relationship you will enter into the chance to survive the odds many couples go through. This is because you will both be depending on friendship, trust, and loyalty to overcome whatever challenges your relationship will eventually be passing through. To be a virgin isn’t a curse but a pride to womanhood, Be proud of who you are at all times. Good luck.

I’ve low sperm count

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a problem of low sperm count. I have done all kinds of medical tests as well as taken all the medications prescribed for me. Unfortunately, I am yet to find a cure. Can you help me? Worried Man. Dear Worried Man, Painfully, low sperm count is one of the major causes of infertility in men. It can be caused both by ecological as well as biological factors. Since you have done series of medical examinations without recording an improvement, perhaps, you should try the alternative therapy. From my investigation, I found out it can be genetic. If you have done all there is medically to find a cure to no avail, go back to your family. If your father is still alive, go and discuss the issue with him. This isn’t time for you to be modest or keep quiet about your medical condition. More often than not, our cures escape us when we refuse to cry out about the situation we are. Unless you seek help from those ahead of you in your family, you won’t know if those before you also went through the situation and what they did to cure themselves of it. It would have been a different case, if you hadn’t gone for medical help. In some families, a trend runs through either the men or women. Unless you ask, nobody would volunteer this information because no family wants to expose its challenges to its younger members without need. The conspiracy of silence adults deploy in such instances by wise adults at not placing on the younger members of the family a burden beyond their years. Therefore, having gotten to this junction in your life where medical help appears helpless, go back to your root for the cause. It is only then you will be able to determine your next cause of action. I also found out that diet deficiencies could be a factor. Lack of nutrients like Zinc, Selenium and Vitamin C can results in low sperm count. Also the kinds of underwear a man wears can also affect the quality of the sperm he produces. Avoid tight trousers or nylon pants. This is because extreme heat in the lower region of the man can decrease the quality of the sperm he produces. Wear pure cotton and loose trousers or pants that allow air to circulate through your body. Testicles must be maintained in ambient temperature. To help you improve on the quality of your sperm, avoid smoking or drinking, if you are in the habit of doing any of these, because they are a factor. Have three days gap between ejaculations or longer to improve fertility and sperm count. Be mindful of the kinds of drugs you take, improve your blood circulation by going for exercises. Follow with plenty doses of prayers because there is nothing prayer cannot do. Good luck.

I’m a teenager in love, how do I survive long dating?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a teenager, about to finish secondary school. I have a boyfriend, a year older than I am, in a boarding school. I know you might think I’m too young to be in a relationship, but I have been able to balance my relationship and my schoolwork. We are both very brilliant and it was actually his brilliance that got me attracted to him. He wants to become a doctor and I want to study International Relations. I am ready to do anything for him, even give up my dream of studying at the University of Lagos to follow him to any university he intends to study. Now, my problem is how I am going to make our relationship last because I know it won’t be easy. Please advise me on what to do. We have spoken severally about our future and being married. Cynthia. Dear Cynthia, The teenage years are the most dreamy and idealist years of a woman’s life. This is because the teenage years form love from the perspective of romance writers. Everything is still, for you, rose coloured. The happy ever ending rhythm that runs through all the romance books pre-supposes love to mean, a woman will always end up with her first love. As a result many teenagers unwittingly interpret love to be bright, beautiful and a panorama of nature’s finest and most radiant of colours. Unfortunately, by the time many teenagers get to the reality zone of their lives, when the hormones stop playing tricks with their emotions, some would have made the most hideous mistakes of their lives. The kinds of missteps, which are irrevocable. Which is what you are about to do by putting your dream on the hold to follow that of your boyfriend. Nobody is saying both of you cannot be together forever but there are many processes to go through before you get to that point of being definite about what you both want in life. What if you are unable to get admission into his choice: wait, while he goes ahead with his life? What makes you so sure he wants what you want is ready to allow you tag along with him? Have you considered the fact that deep down he isn’t ready for the kind of commitment you want to foist on him? The restrain you want to be put on his freedom as a young man who is eager to fly the nest of his home and seek freedom before life becomes too serious? Chances are your relationship may not even survive the first few months if you insist on tagging along with him. If care isn’t taken by you, he may turn around to hate you for making his life miserable. Besides it brings up the matter of trust. Is it that you don’t trust him to behave or that you are very insecure as a young woman to instigate this kind of wishes for you to put your dream on hold for him? My dear, things don’t work like that. You have to have a dream of your own to be relevant to any man. The world is changing every second; you need your career and education to be useful to your home as woman and to be a good mother to your children. Besides, your reproductive years as a woman, is well defined for you by nature. It takes almost an eternity for a woman to recover any lost year, whereas the man has even Mother Nature bending backwards to make things easier for him. While a man of 100 years of age can still get a woman pregnant, not so for a woman half his age. So any rash and irrational decision you make now would in later years come to haunt you especially when you see all the friends you should have graduated with doing so well in their fields of endeavour while you are still struggling to give meaning to your life. By the time you recognise the implication of your decision, your boyfriend you made the sacrifice for would have long gone. Nobody wants to be associated with a failed project. Even if he doesn’t mean to treat you that way, his new friends, family and situation would all conspire to make him keep his distance from you. As he gets older, there will always be a cocktail of different kinds of women for him. Besides, his choice, ideas as well as desires would eventually change once he has a broader place to operate. If by the time he is ready to move on, you are still struggling with the challenge of gaining admission, you will be hurt more than you should. Besides, you could also meet another man and fall in love with him. But if you have sacrificed your own dream for another man, this other man may not even look your way because you would be lacking in one of the things he requires from his woman – good education. You only think he is your world now because you haven’t even seen all the vast potentials the world has to offer. You are limited not only by your age but also by the environments you operate. As you get older, when you begin to see all that life has to offer, chances are you will ask yourself when the right man comes along what you ever saw in your current image of Mr. Right. And even if both of you are destined to end up as an item, the kind of sacrifice you are contemplating is dangerous for your happiness in life. The wise thing is for you to hold on to your dream. If both of you are meant to be together you will find away out of it. But, for now, the choice before you is to pursue your dream. It is the key to your happiness in life as a woman. Good luck.

He beeps any time I pray for partner

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you so much for solving people’s problems and reuniting them again. I am a lady of 31 years of age, single and a graduate. I met this guy in my school. He helped me with certain things, because I was a novice back then. While we were in school, we acted with a deep sense of responsibility. He couldn’t afford to call me because his condition then was pitiable. He couldn’t afford three square meals. Few months after graduating, he secured employment. Despite the change in his fortune, he still wasn’t calling me. Rather, he preferred calling me at night when calls were toll free. After registering my displeasure at this attitude, he minimised calling me at night. The funniest thing is that he claims to be in love with me but I know he is only after the pleasures of my body. As a result of the challenges I was facing finding a life partner, I decided to embark on prayer and fasting. But I noticed that each time I did this, this man would begin beeping me as if he is right by my side. He is always telling me he loves me, that I should come back to him, but he hasn’t said anything about marriage. My challenge is that men treat me as if I am invisible and I am not the kind of woman who flirts. I wonder why such things are happening in my life. Please Agatha, what should I do? Am I right to leave him? Amuche. Dear Amuche, Good education doesn’t translate to a successful relationship. Many things combine to make a particular relationship work or fail. There is no way you will move beyond your present level if you don’t first sit down to do a proper critique of your life and plan for the future. For instance, what kinds of men appeal to you? Why are you so angry with this man? Is it because he appears stingy or that he doesn’t call you? Be specific. Unless you are sincere with yourself at this crucial stage of your life, no amount of prayers and fasting can help you. What kind of man are you asking God to give you? What kinds of sacrifices are you also willing to make? The irony of it all is that you may have met your Mr. Right but because you are blind to what you want, you may not have looked his way. There is also the possibility of you pricing yourself out of the market of eligible women. This is so if he isn’t the only one ignoring you. Sometimes the attitude women put up scare men away from them. When a woman’s disposition and mien are not only arrogant but enough to intimidate a man, most men would naturally ignore her. Most men in search of wife materials avoid strong willed women or the kinds that appear to be too much in charge of their lives. There is no war the act of humility doesn’t win. If you are really searching for the proverbial Mr. Right, you really have to let go of some of the things you carry around. To know what to work on in your person, ask friends, both men and women, those close to you, to give you an apt assessment of your person. Ask your siblings what they think of you. Go the extra mile; enquire from colleagues, neighbours, and even new acquaintances. By the time you take a sample of these different opinions, you will be close to having a fair impression of how others rate you. The raison d’être is not to fight them but to help you arrive at an objective answer that would help you work on your deficiencies as a woman and person. We all need this character evaluation from time to time to help us become better persons. So you won’t be acting out of tune if you do it. Don’t forget that we are all students of the school of life. Without this occasional evaluation in our lives, we won’t be able to improve on our attitude and character. Also, there is the possibility of your problem being spiritual. When men appear to be oblivious of a woman’s presence, then something is very wrong somewhere. This is the time to look into your family history especially the women before you. What is the average age, women in your family marry? How easy is it for them to get married and when they do, what kinds of marriages do they have? There is no way you can flirt when the men are not even interested in looking your way. Flirting is a function of men looking at you and wanting to have one kind of relationship or the other with you. In a situation where men ignore you completely, flirting will definitely be the last thing on your mind. The mere fact that men are not even looking your way is a very serious challenge which looking deeper into your family history will give a clearer perspective into the kinds of challenges you have inherited from them. This kind of understanding will in turn point you at what to ask God for. Many a time, we play dumb to the things happening in our families when in fact more than 90 per cent of the problems we battle in life come from our family trees. Even if this man is perfect, the kinds of challenges confronting you in your family will make it impossible for you to look past the defect you have noticed in him. Even when others are seeing his positive side, you will only insist on looking at the negative side. This is the power of foundational problem. Unless, God decrees otherwise, such battles are always difficult to win because they embody everything that makes you who you are. They are the sources that know everything about your parentage and even those things you don’t know about yourself. Unless that source is sealed up by the powers of prayers, there is no telling the extent of damage it will bring to one’s life. Once you know where the problem is coming from, it would be so easy to pray them out of your life. All these three angles are important for your complete happiness. One cannot be done without the other. Even if you regain your spiritual independence, without you taking the step of changing your attitude, the men that come will still leave you. Therefore, be real enough with yourself because this is the critical point of your life. Don’t leave this too late because at 31, your choices are depreciating every day. Good luck.

I’m confused about my girlfriend’s changed mood

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have a problem that is making me restless. It has to do with my five-year-old relationship. I deflowered my girlfriend who is now in her final year at nursing school. I met her, a very humble, respectful and loyal girl. But earlier this year, a guy visited her who she introduced as a cousin’s brother. When I offered to take the guy out that day, he said he was tired and they slept together in her room that night. So not quite long, I met the same guy on Facebook only to discover he is the same secondary school friend she had been telling me about. I confronted her with my discovery when she came back home after two months from her posting; she couldn’t deny it. All she said was that if she had told me the identity of the boy, I would have fought him. I was not only hurt but disappointed since I had planned to marry her. Her action made me to start dating another girl. When she found out about the other girl, I didn’t bother to lie. I told her the truth. From that moment she became a kind of wolf, there is no name she didn’t call me, but I ignored her. Recently, I got her an engagement ring as proof of my love for her and to announce my decision to quit the other relationship. To my surprise, she turned down my request on the ground that God hadn’t told her if I was the one for her. I was planning the introduction ceremony for December, this year. When I told her mother what she said, she said God would guide and protect me if it is His will for me to marry her daughter. But my girlfriend doesn’t pick my calls, let alone call me. I am tired and confused over this problem I am having with her. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Don’t be. Most times what we think is best for us, turns out not to be. When it comes to the issues of the heart and marriage in particular, it pays to listen to the voice of God. This is because marriage takes more than love and sentimental feelings to sustain. It takes a lot of courage and a very deep kind of friendship to maintain. A lot of things have to be right from the foundation level for relative peace to reign. One of the necessary ingredients is trust. Unless you get the composition right from the onset, no matter how much in love you both are, it won’t work in the end. Even though her motive for asking you to wait may be suspect, but since she has mentioned the name of God, don’t panic. Nothing entrusted to the hands of God ever brings unhappiness. You may think she is doing the things women who have lost interest in their men do, looking for an easy was to ease you out of her life but ultimately you will come to see that it was God at work in your life. Whether she comes back or you find another woman, this moment is to help you focus on the important things about relationship in general and your person in particular. What do you understand by being in a relationship? Is it for you an opportunity to have free sex or a special chance for you to help another person grow and be happy? Beyond being her first lover, how will she remember you? What special thing is she going to miss by not having you in her life? Just like in every thing we do, relationships are meant to establish something extraordinary in the lives of those we care so much about. So, our absence would be so much profound when we are no longer in their lives. Between a man and woman, the contact goes beyond sleeping together to living in each other’s bodies. This way, it is easy to establish that compassion, link, ease, understanding and tolerance needed to make a relationship work. Unless there is a spiritual link between a woman and man, a relationship hardly ever survives the politics of everyday living. This is what you should use this time out to cultivate. Go beyond what a woman looks like to the inherent qualities in her. This way, you would know when you are being taken for a fool or when she is telling the truth. It will help you control your temper because when a man gets to the level of being able to vouch for the character of his woman, nothing she does would ever make him suspicious of her. This is what absolute trust in each other does for a relationship. Stop calling her if she isn’t inclined to picking your calls anymore. Granted, you are hurting and desire a chance to be together again with her but, this can only happen if she is willing and since she has expressed a wish not to, allow her be. This way, you will also be giving yourself time to heal before someone else comes along. Good luck.

I denied my wife sex for three years

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I stopped sleeping with my wife of six years. The reason then was simple. Although I was having an affair but the major one being that she was dirty and rude. There was nobody she didn’t report me to, including writing to you under the name of worried wife. I went through all you told her and was happy at the results I noticed in her. She became trendier, neater as well as more respectful to me. Unfortunately at the time she made up her mind to change, I wasn’t interested in her anymore but I didn’t want to divorce her because of the children. I needed her at home to care for the children. Having grown up in a polygamous home, I didn’t want my children going through what I went through. I however made up my mind to resume sexual activity with her early last month but I noticed she wasn’t too eager. I expected that she would be after years of begging me to share her bed. She actually stopped begging me to have sex with her in January this year. At first I didn’t bother but when it persisted, I told a friend of mine who was so certain that she was having an affair. I asked her if she was sleeping with another man behind me, she denied it but asked if I had the right to ask her such a question anymore. I ignored her but made up my mind to investigate. There was nothing to suggest she was. Besides, I thought she wouldn’t have the guts to cheat on me because I married her as a village girl and a virgin. She lacked the sophistication of the city woman which was part of the problem we were having. But about two weeks ago, by accident, I had gone to see my boss along Adeniyi Jones in Ikeja when I decided to stop over to eat at a local restaurant around that area. The setting was very formal and neat. I was still waiting for my order to be served when my wife walked in with this man who looked very much like a very top manager in a company. They drove into the place with this latest Toyota Camry. She didn’t notice me at first but I made sure she did when I walked up to her to demand what she was doing with another man in a public place. She didn’t bother to answer me; instead they got up and left me standing. By the time I got home, she was already home, packed and ready to leave. She didn’t bother to deny that she and the man I met her with were dating. She told me the man was ready to marry her and that as soon as her people refunded the bride price I paid on her, she would marry the man. I didn’t even know she was in school, University of Lagos and in her third year. She also has a flourishing shop, a fashion outfit near her school. She said, it was only in January this year, she agreed to date the man I met her with even though he had been disturbing her since he rescued her from a suicide attempt three years ago. According to her, he helped her gain admission into the University of Lagos to get her mind off her matrimonial challenges and got her the shop to give her financial independence. She said, since she has made up her mind to be intimate with this other man, she no longer has any space in her heart for me. I found out all these from her in the process of explaining to my friends how far apart we had grown. Agatha, I have realised I don’t want her to go and I’m ready to do anything to ensure we live as man and wife again. I have since discharged the woman in my life and has been pleading with her to have a change of mind but she insists she is fed up. My parents, especially my father blames me for whatever decision she has made concerning our marriage. I know I wronged her but I have suddenly realised that she means so much to me. How do I get her back? Worried Husband. Dear Worried Husband, What were you thinking of leaving a woman in your house for three years without having sex with her? You drove her into the arms of this other man who realised her outstanding qualities and took the necessary steps to harness them. Only very few women would have been able to withstand such cruelty. Denying a matured married woman of sex is worse than beating her. To have gone without sex for three years have hardened her beyond measure. Without being told, she knew there must have been another woman in your life taking care of your heat. This itself would make her bitter and extremely angry and the injustice of your action each time she remembers. Thank goodness you realised your mistake and isn’t bothered about the matter of her infidelity. But you became conscious of your mistakes too late. Having made up her mind to leave you, it might not be too easy for her to change her mind about leaving you. Sincerely as this stage, it will take the special grace of God to make her continue in this marriage. Women are the most difficult to bend when a decision as grave as this one has been made. On what platform would she want to stay? If for six years, all you did was complain, put her down because she came to you as a local girl, branded her dirty, lacking in respect as well as denying her sex for three years out of these six years, why would she want to come back to such a marriage? If you are unaware that the woman you call your wife is enrolled in school and already in her third year in the university, then it isn’t just a matter of asking her to stay. You have to do more than you are currently doing to resolve the many crises in your marriage. From her account, this man hasn’t only invested money into her life, he has been very patient, understanding, supportive and dedicated to her. These are things she didn’t find with you; wanted from you but weren’t prepared to give her. She has seen a side of life, she never dreamt possible. You may have met her a virgin but her experience in the last six years of being married to you have left her a different kind of person. This man has helped her to come to full realisation of who she really is as well as what she can be. You had the chance to do this but you failed. Now, not only is she more experienced but also wiser in the ways of men and women. In addition, education has exposed her to a kind of independence and power she never imagined when she came fresh eyed from the village. It isn’t going to be easy getting her to come back on your terms or in the kind of atmosphere you once conducted your marriage. This time, you have to engage her in serious dialogue in which both of you will have to first talk and decide on the premise on which the marriage will operate. Swallow your pride and give her reasons why she should stay with you despite all that have happened. Remember you are as guilty, if not more than she is. The rule that she shouldn’t have done what she did doesn’t apply to her at all because your actions precipitated it. In her shoes, you would have done the same. This is one issue, you may not be able to handle on your own; involve people she respects in her own family as well as yours. Your families have to be involved in this kind of settlement if you hope to get her to even listen to you. This is because you left it for too long. If she is bold enough to tell you that she is ready to marry the other man as soon as her bride price is returned; it is going to be very difficult to make her change her mind hence the need to involve everyone in a position to talk to her, if possible the spiritual head of your church. Marriage is full of turns and bends, never a long straight line. The moment she made the attempt to change from her ways to please you, the wise thing would have been for you to meet her half way. You must learn to always meet her half way, plenty of sacrifices, selflessness and compromises. Every woman needs a friend in her man. She may have come from the village but she is not without feelings or intelligence. Always learn to respect who she is; it is the only way to get her to respect you. Sincerely, it would take the grace of God to make a woman that has gone this far to change her mind. Give her the opportunity to see the loving, caring and attentive side of you. Also learn to pray if you want your efforts to be noticed because you are at fault. Good luck.