He is in the habit of violating me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have known this guy for six months and have fallen in love with him. Before I agreed to his proposal, I really played hard to get even though I am not a virgin. But I kept myself after my last relationship until I met him. Please tell me what to do because he is really frustrating me. Whenever I am with him, he demands for sex and when I refuse, he forces himself on me and leaves me immediately. He has affected my life. He says I am his only love and that he will forever love and marry me as long as I don’t disappoint him. Since meeting him, he hasn’t given me a dime but he keeps collecting money from me. He only visits at night when he wants to have sex. Does he love me at all? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, You don’t need anyone to spell the answer out to you; this man is only interested in your body and money. Unfortunately, you are helping him to destroy you. Being in love doesn’t make one stupid and vulnerable. And any relationship that makes a person any of these or both isn’t worth it. He comes only when he wants sex, forces you into having sex with him when you don’t want to; comes in the night when he knows you wouldn’t want the neighbours to know what is happening in your home. This isn’t love at all. He is milking you of your self respect as well as your self worth. Gradually, he will turn you into a psychological case because when a woman is constantly forced against her will to have sex, something inside of her dies; love soon turns into hatred not just for the man, but for every other man as well as yourself for being so cowardly. If you don’t stop it now, you will end up hating everything that gives other people happiness. A man who wants to marry a woman doesn’t behave towards her the way this man is treating you. A man serious about the woman in his life treats her with respect and takes every possible step to honour her in all ways. He understands when his woman isn’t in the mood and takes every step to ensure she is in the right frame of mind if he must have sex with her. Forcing himself on you whenever you are not in the mood means, he isn’t bothered about your happiness or frame of mind. From the examples he has given you of himself, it should by now be obvious to you that your body and not your mind is what he is after in addition to the money he is getting from you. He has stayed this long because he has continued to get tacit support from you. The moment he senses you are withdrawing or finds another woman with larger pocket than you, he will abandon you. He told you about love and marriage because he guessed that is what you want to hear. One thing you must first understand about a man like this, is that he is selfish; always on the look out for his own happiness and satisfaction. The moment he sucks you dry, like a sucked orange, he will throw you away and move on to another unsuspecting woman. Resist being tired down by a promise that will never come true. Besides, what do you want a man who has shown he is a serial rapist for? A man that uses force to sleep with a man will definitely apply the same amount of pressure on her outside the bedroom if she isn’t yielding what he wants to him. The day you begin to deny him money, is the day he will take his aggression out of the bedroom to the open. By then it might be too late for you to end it. Now that you haven’t gotten pregnant from his violent and unplanned sex, show him the way out of your life irrespective of how much it would hurt you emotionally. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life. You need a man to help you come to your purpose in life not one who is out to derail and destroy you. To continue in this kind of relationship is to enslave yourself to a situation that will only end up hurting you the more so learn to deal with it now. Refuse to allow him into your house at nights. Insist he comes during the daytime and resist seeing him inside your apartment. Entertain him outside your apartment. If he demands to go in, tell him you are not in the mood and until you deal with some personal issues you are debating within yourself, you want things to remain the way they are. Outside your apartment, he wouldn’t dare touch you or force you into doing anything you don’t want to do. And when he demands for money; tell him you don’t have any to give him. Chances are he may not come back after two or three visits. Also, if you have been in the habit of visiting him; stop it. This may hurt but only for a while. By the time a responsible man comes along, you will be glad you were able to break free of him. Keeping him in your life will block the chances of a responsible man from coming into your life. So be fast about your decision. Good luck.

The conspiracy of silence

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Cont’d from last week Dear Readers, Unwittingly, parents, the society including the church are united in the destruction of the marriage institution. Hiding under obnoxious customs, beliefs, shyness and inexplicable values, adults refuse to openly acknowledge the physical and emotional changes going on in their children. Some mothers don’t even know how to explain menstruation to their daughters, a sign that the girl-child is a woman. The only thing many of them tell their daughters even in today’s modern world; is to warn them against the company of men. But the circumstances that can lead to boys or men getting them pregnant, is often ignored. The result is a very confused child who now has to navigate the mystery of life on her own. In school, the teenager begins to develop different fields of thoughts, tastes and associations at the same time the hormones are cascading through the body. The confusion generated by the presence of these hormones propels the teenager into his or her first love voyage. Many a time, the consequences of these unplanned and uneducated romances end up being the death of very promising careers and even lives of promising young girls especially. This is because, the young teenage girl, ignorant of the implication of the potency of these changes inside her, goes into what starts as an innocent relationship with a boy her age. The result is an unplanned pregnancy which fear of what the parents would say, pushes the child to aborting the pregnancy in whatever way possible. The lucky ones escape with their lives but have damaged wombs to contend with for the rest of their lives. While the experience is sufficient to make some responsible, for the majority, it only provides them with a vista to explore all there is to know about the adult world. Like ostriches, parents and community leaders pretend not to notice these changes and when they decide to acknowledge these changes, take to the issuances of threats and force. Deliberately, parents play amnesia to avoid discussing their shame and regrets in the choices they made. Many parents think discussing the topic with their children will expose their hypocrisy to their children. The question then comes up; what are you protecting the child from when the child has not been given a reason to be afraid of the changes going on inside of him or her? For any one to have a good marriage, that person must first be at peace with self. This peace begins with a knowledge of who one is, and ends with an intimacy of one’s essence as well as relationship with nature. This is why every adult or parent must as a matter of duty teach his or her child/ward the facts of life. The society, especially the church, must also break its silence on sex and tell the youths what they must know about the subject. While the silence theory of the church and the story of the birds and bees of parents may have fed the curiosity of by gone generation of teenagers; the present generation, with the advent of easy information on the internet need the truth as well as trust. Telling the child the truth about sex doesn’t translate, as many parents think, to giving the child license to be promiscuous. Information arms the child, especially the girl child to know what to avoid and detect when a man is out to rob her of her integrity as a woman. It also helps to foster a firm, friendly and mutual relationship between mother and daughter, the kind that will expose the daughter to the true nature of the marriage of her parents as well as the positive lessons she will take to her own home. Through the mother, the child is exposed to the different ways a woman can use her sexuality to earn respect for herself and build her home. The boy, on the other hand, through a close relationship with his father knows that women are not animals that should be preyed upon by the man. Through well-guided expose to the positive examples of the father, he learns to control his urges and learn to respect the body of a woman. This he also takes into his marriage making it possible for him to appreciate and understand the nature as well as moods of the wife. The child must be taught through oral and practical means the various angles to sex and not just the physical consummation of the male and female bodies. Granted, sex leads to procreation, the reality is that its function is more than that. By over amplifying the negative sides of sex, we push the children to it. If God hadn’t pointed the Tree of Life as the only forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden to Adam and Eve, there would have been nothing special about it. The fact that God tagged it forbidden, aroused the natural curiosity of Eve and gave Satan something to lure her into his plans of doom for mankind. The negative attitude of most parents to the issue of giving information on sex to their children in a way instigates the curiosity of the teenager to find out what makes it prohibitive. Unfortunately, their ways of sourcing for information, often than not, impede future plans for a happy marriage and derail God’s plans in some cases like it did to Eve. Therefore, the web of silence must be addressed by all concerned if our children are to benefit positively from this special gift from God. Like every other subject that has to do with human life and development, every child must be given a thorough lesson on what to expect at any particular age and the precautions that must be taken to avoid the dangers that come with it. Vivid examples must be given to the child on why these feelings must not be given free reign to explode. The child must understand that every stage in life comes with some expectations, challenges as well as responsibilities. Parents and adults must use their own years, disappointments and mistakes as clear examples why the child must be careful of the hidden dangers laced into their age. When a child is given the knowledge of how the parents once felt like as a teenager, how they were about making the mistakes he or she is contemplating or fell into disgrace as a result of not trusting the parents enough; such experiences draw the child closer to the parents. Sex is not a taboo rather it is the meaning we read into it by our own examples and attitudes. If it is part of human existence, then it should be treated with all the honestly and transparency it deserves. Rather than for parents or the society to brand sex as being bad, parents should instead be bold enough to explain why sex should be avoided at a particular age. For the sake of the future of the children, parents must learn to be truthful when it comes to the subject of sex, since it is the only way to earn the trust, respect and confidence of the children. This is the beginning of teaching a child the lesson of confidence in the leadership of the home as well as respect for whosoever the child enters a relationship with in the future. It is also about teaching a child to be responsible for any action taken. When a child is given all the information there is to give, without the parent stating the obvious, the child knows that from that point ignorance can no longer be a reason for any action taken. Either way, the child begins to build on these attributes that will help him or her became a worthy partner to his or her spouse in future. When a child who has been told by the parents that sex is ugly and shameful discovers that it is sweet and enjoyable; the child becomes stubborn, recalcitrant and rude. The child loses confidence in the parents and begins to hide things. Unless urgent step is taken by the parents to change the new impression of the child, the child grows up distrusting everybody, including the spouse later in life. Both adults and the children are united in God’s plans for the continuity of the human race which is why adults and the larger society must be untied and honest in preparing the children and youths for the tasks ahead. Every contemporary society must pattern parenting to suit the demands of the time. That a method once worked in the past doesn’t mean it will work with another generation. Children need honest and responsible examples to emulate. The failure of many marriages is itself a statement of the failure of parents, the church and society to provide our youths with worthy examples to emulate. Continues next week…