Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Courage To Woo Her Not Forthcoming


Dear Agatha,


I really need your advice on how to go about this issue bothering my mind. There is this lady who has been my friend in the last one month. We are just beginning to know each other. In between this period, I have developed a kind of interest for her, because of the way she is, but don't know how to approach and tell her what I have in mind.

Since I have known her, I have never asked for her phone number, but managed to have it anyway, though I haven’t given her a call yet. The major challenge now is how to approach her with my feelings before someone else does.

Expectant Guy.


Dear Expectant Guy,

Since you and this lady already have a communication line, invite her out for either lunch or dinner to enable both of you relax sufficiently for what you have in mind.

After eating, tell her what you have in mind. Make it very clear to her that at the time you met her, the intention wasn’t to propose romantic relationship with her.

At this juncture, highlight all the qualities you discovered in her, ones you have always desired in your dream woman. Assure her from the beginning that your intentions are honourable and you have no intention of taking advantage of your familiarity with her to lure her into something she doesn’t want to do.

Once you tell her, allow her the freedom of making up her mind as well as the assurance that whatever happens, it would not affect the friendship you have started with her.

If nothing else, telling him would have saved both of you any future regret at not taking hold of a presented opportunity.

Whatever the case may be ensure your feelings and motives are honest, because this is what would count the most at the end of the day.

Good luck.

Tired Nurturing Our Union Alone While He Does Nothing


Dear Agatha,


I have been in this relationship for two years now. But for some months now, I have been having my doubts as to whether this relationship is really worth it, because it is one-sided.

Although from the outset, he told me he has never been the calling and caring type and that is why his previous relationships never lasted more than three months.

He did promise to change, but two years down the road, he still hasn’t changed. Thrice I have tried to end the relationship, but somehow we keep making up.

I am tired of the whole routine of breaking up and making up with him as well as his promises to work on himself and doing nothing about it. The question now is, should I still hang on, be patient and keep trying or move on without him.

I honestly do love him with all my heart, but he is not reciprocating, and that hurts real badly. Please help me. He's 26 years of age while I am 22.

Worried Girl.


Dear Worried Girl,

That he told you from the beginning should have prepared you for this. There is no way he can give you something he doesn’t have even if he promised to change. He was at least very honest with you about his nature. If nothing else give him that credit, because not everyman would do what he did. It shows, to an extent, that he cares for you, perhaps not in the way you expect him to, but he does.

We are all unique and can’t be expected to do or respond to issues or challenges in the same way. Like him, you also have your own faults. If he isn’t complaining about yours, you must find a way too to manage his, because in the real sense that is the essence of us having a relationship.

Over time, he would change but the type of changes you want or desire in him cannot happen at the speed you want it.

It would take a lot of sacrifices as well as gentle persuasion on your part to get him to make that little change.

The best way to handle someone like this as well as stop you from getting hurt is to ignore this side of him. However, it would help a great deal if you love him as much as you say. Being in love helps a relationship overcome basic problems like the one you are having with your boyfriend.

If you have been able to tolerate him for two years, it means there is something he is doing right. This is the point to look critically at. Those things that have been able to hold the two of you together despite all odds, and the anger you feel at his attitude towards you.

Can you remember even when angry what his special qualities are? Those things he has that no other man has been able to give you? Overtime, with the right attitude and priority, his shortcomings may not be as important anymore to you as it is now, once your mind is made up to move the relationship forward.

One added advantage of ignoring him is the reduced tension in the relationship. No longer would valuable time, which otherwise could have been spent growing the relationship go into defending or arguing over an issue that may never be realised in the relationship.

Sincerely, issues like this help a couple to determine as well as gauge the strength of their feelings for each other. Once both of you are able to move beyond this point, it underscores the essence of your love for each other as well as the sacrifices you are willing to make for the survival of your emotions.

The danger of ending a relationship without first looking at all the factors critically is the regrets that usually follow such hasty decisions. Whether you like it or not, there are no guarantees that the next one would be perfect. Being an institution operated by humans there are bounds to be problems arising from different ideologies towards life as well as orientations. Solution isn’t in going from one relationship to another, but in staying to make an exciting one work well.

If you indeed love this man, learn to be more tolerant of his attitude towards you as well as think of ways to help him grow to be more appreciative of your peculiarities as a woman. Most times, patience and tolerance are all that is needed to win a game convincingly.

However, if your mind is made up leaving on account of his refusal to call you as often as you would love him to, don’t delay it any further, else you both end up hurting each other more than necessary.

Good luck.