I don’t want them but…

Dear Agatha,

 I am 26 years old, a graduate and currently waiting for my national youth service. I’ve been dating three girls from my village for more than three years now. I’m deeply in love with one of the girls whom I wish to marry. 

As for the other girls, even though I noticed they aren’t perfect for me, I’m still finding it difficult to let go of them.

The first girl, beautiful and a Christian, has no manner of approach. She argues a lot and very stubborn. Once she makes up her mind, nothing will make her change or bend. This is a problem on its own for those close to her.

The second girl is beautiful, caring and obedient. She contributed financially during my education and assist in house chores. However as a woman she lacks self control. My cousin almost slept with her in my room, but for my timely appearance. 

She once lied to a friend of mine who was wooing her that we were siblings. Although I have severally asked her so many times to stay away from me, but after few days, we would be closer than before. The third girl, my soulmate, is the last in my life. Please how do I stop the other two from destroying my love for this third girl and how do I build on my feelings for her? 

Worried Boy

Dear Worried Boy,

From where I sit, you don’t have any problem except the one you have created for yourself through your greed for women. A man who cannot control his lust for women will find it difficult to be contented with one woman despite whatever he feels for a particular woman.

The only way you can ever enjoy the company of the women you have settled for is to terminate every other relationship you are into.

Honestly, your relationship with your third girlfriend doesn’t need the help of the other woman to go down; you are already doing that through yours inability to make up your mind concerning your multiple relationships.

Fortunately, you know the abilities and disabilities of these other women; you cannot accuse them of concealing their true nature from you because they have stripped themselves of any pretences right before you.

Not every man is that lucky. Some would have married them before discovering the nature of their wives.

This is the point you get to where you tell yourself the truth. Despite what you know about the character of your first and second girlfriend, why are you still keeping them in your nest? What are the attractions to these women?

It isn’t often that love alone influences some men like you stick to one woman. For some men, they will always have reasons to look else where even when married to one of the best women on earth.

Therefore you must have a reason to love and nurse your love for the woman your heart appears to have settled for. It has nothing to do with the other ladies you are leaving or anyone for that matter.

The logistics of how you groom and grow this relationship depends on how much you trust in your own judgment of her person as well as the measure of happiness you have bargained for in your life.

But one thing you can count on, no matter how much this third lady loves you, chances of you getting her full commitment would disappear the moment she knows she is part of a chain of women in your life.

So it behooves you to get your acts right by doing away with the other women to give you the time to settle down with the one your heart wants.

Also it is imperative you do it before settling down in your service state.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

How do I stop this insanity?

Dear Agatha, 

This problem doesn’t concern me directly but it will affect my sister if it eventually blows open.

It has to do with the sister to my sister’s husband and our neighbor. About three weeks ago, I came back home from an errand my sister sent me to find our flat locked.

I didn’t find the key where we normally leave it so I went downstairs to ask the security man if my sister’s sister-in-law left the key with him. He replied that she hasn’t come down all day. As I was going back upstairs to knock harder on the door; thinking she may have slept off, I saw her and the married man opposite our flat kissing at the top of the stairs. They quickly disengaged when they heard my steps.

I pretended not to have seen them in order not to embarrass both of them. Besides, she was a lot older than I am. When I tried to question her about what I saw, she shut me up with a slap; telling me to mind my business. She also threatened to deal with me should I tell anybody about her affair with the man.

I am however bothered because of the problems that will occur should the wife of the man finds out about the affair.  Other neighbours may not notice because we are at top flats and share the same passage.

Once everybody is out of the house, she migrates into this man’s flat. I don’t know what he does for a living but he is home most of the time. His wife leaves the house as early as 6 a.m. and comes back very late. They have only a child, a five year old son he takes to school in the morning after which he comes back home.

I’m scared. My friend I told about the incident said I should alert my sister about it arguing that I am aiding and abetting her to destroy another woman’s home by my silence.

I am so very confused about it. Please help me. I am 16 while she is 22. What should I do?

Derin.

Dear Derin,

This is something you can handle on your own without involving your sister or husband. Since she has decided to use force and threats, there is nothing stopping you from doing same in getting her to listen to your opinion.

But you must get this clear; it is her life hence she has a right to do whatever she pleases with it. Your interest in her life begins and ends with the implication on your sister and family should the man’s wife discover she is having an affair with her husband.

Explain to her that if the affair involved someone else, not known to the family, you wouldn’t have bothered with what she does with her life.

Make it clear to her too that the next time she slaps you on account of her relationship with this man, you will have no choice but to inform your sister and brother-in-law about the affair she is having with their neighbor.

Let her understand that you are not trying to ply into her affairs but to stop everybody being embarrassed by her conduct should the affair blow open and becomes public knowledge. Make her understand that it is one thing to be in an affair with a married man and another thing entirely for the affair to be going on in the woman’s matrimonial home.

Ask her how she would feel if she is the other woman? How would she feel going out to work all day and coming back home to the knowledge of another woman sharing her husband right in her home?

She may not want to listen to you but make her understand the gravity of what she is doing not just to herself but to the entire family who maybe forced to move houses as a result of the scandal that normally follows such a situation.

If she fails to listen to you, you may have no choice but to tell your sister about it. Telling your sister will free you from the guilt of not telling her as well as the burden your knowledge of the affair between both of them has placed on you.

By then it would be the decision of your elder sister to confront her sister-in-law or inform her husband about the illegal affair going on between his sister and their neighbor.

As for you, mind your business and concentrate on the business that brought you to your sister’s house. To pry too much is to distract yourself from that thing most important to you in life.

If at the end of the day, you don’t think you want to be fingered as a gossip in the whole episode, try to ignore her completely.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626