Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Being a single mother makes me sick…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of painful circumstances and repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all also abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body.

Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of the bitter experiences of this life.

My child is now 13 years and he has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence. My problem is that I do not know how to guide and direct him.

Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream?

Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, playing the roles of father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step-by-step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at this stage in his life?

I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years. This is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person. The only people I see around me are not to be trusted. Usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, you would notice that they do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient.

I have been starving emotionally. I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with.
I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me. But I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office.

I feel so scared, so insecure, I often feel my heart beat faster and I get shocked at every little thing.

I really want to have a man of my own. I want to get married but only to the right man. But the way things are going now I don’t know what to expect. Supposing the right man is not forthcoming, how do I handle the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life?

Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there, being the only parent he has. Still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all are becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know.

Ese



Dear Ese,

There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder given the experiences you have been through and what you are currently going through.

Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life.

Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past.

Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of ill treatment against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a lot of women experience this abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted showed that he is not a strange face; he is somebody you know and can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish.

That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. If you had reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of those painful memories of those years. I appreciate it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son, but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts.

Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is that you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has.

But for get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding, and love to get his complete trust and compassion.

A child is what parents, especially mothers, make of him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair, but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child.

There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to spell out to him that you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more a child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you.

This child is becoming insecure by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears – that of losing you and all the security that goes with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep.

Granted, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways of letting go.

Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother, but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself.

You have a choice to either agree to the demands of these men and lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son.

Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the midst of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day.

Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours, which the people involved have managed successfully.

If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to bring a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences, which are today helping others to be happy.

There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. More often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you.

Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our underwear. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you, because after a while the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you.

Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in to his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth.

Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you.

Support him so that he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love.

Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half-truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend.

Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier.

To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend, which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him.

We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies. At every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to.

Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed.

Good luck.

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Double dating, all I get for the love he professes…

With Auntie Agathagataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am a student. There is this problem, which is really eating me up. I have been in a relationship with this guy since my second year in Junior Secondary School (JSS2).

When we started, we were so much in love with each other and very close. But, he now feels I am his worst enemy because of another girl who is about 20 years of old.

Recently, he called to offer the Olive branch –peace. He said he has made up his mind to come back to me because of my dedication to him when he didn’t have anything. After this, he begged for my forgiveness and asked me to allow him make love to me as evidence of my forgiveness. I did.

To my pains as well as surprise, he hasn’t bothered to call me since then. Instead of the reconciliation he promised me, I see him everywhere with the other girl.

If this is painful, his refusal to let go of me is what baffles me the more. He engages any man he sees with me in physcial fight.

He knows I love him very much. We have been together for eight years. Please tell me what to do since I am without a clue as to how to handle him.

Worried Girlfriend.

Dear Worried Girlfriend,

Evidently, your boyfriend is bent on playing games with your heart and life. You have come to a crossroad in your relationship where you must look back, evaluate it vis-à-vis the plans you have for yourself in the future.

The kind of relationship one has, more often than not determines the quality of life that person would have in the future. This is because every relationship is premised on emotions. And once one’s emotion is torn into pieces, it becomes difficult for such a person to concentrate on whatever he or she is doing.

For this simple reason, you must do everything within your powers to protect your dreams. Every man or woman needs a supportive partner at every turn in life.

It takes two to tangle very well. Doubtless, you are in love with him but is he in love with you? No man who is in love with a woman would treat her the way he is treating you. Coming on the pretense of making up with you, only to leave you again after sleeping with you doesn’t make him out as a man who cares about what or how you feel. The issue here goes beyond his new girlfriend or the men he is trying to prevent from coming to you. It is a lot deeper than that.

From what you have said about him, he is selfish and very self-centred. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life to grow into a success story. His kind leaves women emotionally dry. He will only take from you and not give you anything back in return.

Even though you have been together for eight years, you are far from knowing his person. When you met him at JSS2, you were not only naïve but also fresh – a young unsoiled girl. Being the first with you was an ego thing for him. While you invested love, saw a knight in shinning armour, he saw a pleasure pot and if you are not careful, get real with yourself, you will continue to be his pleasure toy until he completely gets tired of you. This is why he doesn’t want anybody near you, fight every man who comes close to you just to ensure he can go and come into your life as he pleases.

He doesn’t want you to experience love with another man. He knows that once you find a man who shows you what true love really is, you will never have him back. Therefore, he is using his knowledge of your mind, body and emotions to play you like a puppet.

If you don’t resist him, it would be completely difficult as the years go by.

Nobody can give you the kind of strength and determination to resist him. Your strenght of character lies in your dream as a young woman determined to take her place in history. Your key to freedom from this man is your dream. Call his bluff and tell him you are through with him. Let him know you are no robot or too weak where he is concerned; that like him you have feelings as well as the fact that only a man who respects you deserves your love.

Refuse to be cowed into submission. As long as he has the freedom to advertise his new relationship, he no longer has any right over you. Just like him, you now have the freedom to look for happiness elsewhere.

Granted, it may hurt you to do this given the fact that you are deeply in love with him, but if you don’t begin to fight for your freedom, this man, even if he marries you in future will never give you the kind of respect you deserve. Doubtless, love must be patient for it to grow but this is only applicable if the person one is in love with, has demonstrated commitment as well as semblance of respect. Being in love isn’t the same thing as being stupid. The day, he tricked you into going to bed with him after he has left you for the other girl is the day he finally demonstrated the kind of feelings he has always had for you. This problem is that you were and still too much in love to see him for who he truly is.

No right thinking man parades another woman to the knowledge of the woman in his life.

Even if you both would make up later, fight and earn your respect from him. For now, try as much as possible to put him and your feelings on the back burner. You just must find your power to move away from this point this relationship has put you.

The fresh air would do you a word of good, as it would afford you the opportunity of getting to know who you really are. For eight years, you have put yourself under the shadow of this man, agreeing to everything and not knowing what you are capable of. You went into this relationship when you didn’t know what a relationship was all about.

There is no denying the fact that you have also made some mistakes in your eight years together. The time has come to go back to the drawing board, take a trip down memory lane, be objective in assessing this relationship. This way, it would be easy for you to own up to your mistakes as well as developing the right frame of mind to learn from these slip-ups.

It will also inform you on how to handle yourself and relationship in future.

Such exercises also have the ability of helping one deal with the inadequacies in the other person. For one to understand the shortcomings of another person, such a person must first come to reality with his or her own inadequacies.

At this point, be thankful that you are not continuing with his relationship with your eyes closed. If nothing, you at least know the kind of man you are dealing with as well as his definition of love.

If at the end of the day, you decide to end this relationship, take extra time to heal. True healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual. Take each day as it comes. This way, the healing would be more effective because once you are healed for that day; you won’t have to deal with the issues again. For now, it is best you don’t go into any relationship to enable you have a focus of the direction you want to sail the ship of your life.

It is important you have a dream of your own. It is the only way you can be a complete woman later in life.

Go into a relationship only when you are ready for it and not before. Don’t do it to spite this man, and more importantly don’t hold any grudge against him. If you do, it might be difficult to get your new relationship right because of the extra burden of the past you would be bringing into the relationship.

Good luck.

Is it proper to tell her of my love?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your urgent assistance.

There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart.

You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious.

She’s the type of what I have always prayed for.

However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart.

Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me.

Confused Lover.



Dear Confused Lover,

There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman.

Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal.

She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends.

In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not.

Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you.

However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less.

As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God.

Good luck.

Doubt if I fathered this baby

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I met my wife in 2004. Shortly after our meeting she told me she was pregnant. As a result of the pregnancy she moved into my house.

I decided to see her parents to do the normal thing.

In the process of doing that she announced she was again pregnant. At this point, I suspected a foul play. And when the baby came, the second child, it bore no semblance of me. But I kept quiet.

I am however thinking of paying her bride price in April but almost every member of my family is against it, because they are of the opinion that the child isn’t mine. The child lacks any semblance of me.

Before I met her, she already had a child for someone else, something I regard as a mistake.

With what I have observed about the baby, what can I do to prove the paternity of the child? Besides this is the problem she is having with my family members. What can I do?

Concerned Man.



Dear Concerned Man,

What gives you the impression other than the fact that the baby doesn’t look like you that the mother of your child is cheating on you? Must all babies take after their fathers to be accepted by their paternal family?

Much as you have every right in the world to pursue the matter to a logical conclusion, this is a very delicate matter you must have to handle with all the maturity in the world. You have to have sufficient evidences to question the paternity of a child. You don’t condemn a child’s entire future or that of the its mother on account of the baby not taking after you in terms of physical appearance.

A lot depends on who among the two of you have the stronger gene. If the woman has the dominant gene, the children are most likely to take after her own side of the family in physical looks. It doesn’t make them less your children or lacking in any of your quality. A child can take after its mother or father side of the family in terms of look. To condemn its mother on account of this as being unfaithful is not only unfair to the woman but also to the baby as well. What excuse would you give the child in future if you are told you as the father needed the assurances of the medical science to accept responsibility for its existence?

If your position as well of that of your family is informed by the fact that she already had a child for someone else and on the basis of that cannot be trusted to stay faithful, discussing your fears with her is more ideal than subjecting her to the emotional trauma of your suspicion and lack of faith in her. Unless you have a pressing reason to doubt her, this would destroy whatever chance of happiness you have together.

Marriage isn’t about what your family wants but about you being happy. Are you happy with this woman? That she doesn’t get on with your family isn’t the same thing as she not getting on with you. Both of you have lived together for at least more than a year. What have you on your own discovered about her? Does she have some of the qualities you have always wanted in a woman? Besides what your family thinks about her, what do you think about her? Irrespective of what they think, your decision concerning her is final if you think she has what it takes to make you happy.

And if you noticed anything unwholesome about her character, did you at anytime discuss anything with her? Did you draw her attention to it or simply wait for your family to support whatever suspicion you have to stop whatever plans making permanent your relationship with her?

There is also the issue of the interest of those children to consider. Assuming you are right in your suspicion that the second child isn’t yours, what about the first one? What would happen to that child? Who will care for the child? These are issues you have to deeply reflect on before arriving at whatever conclusions you desire.

The fact that got pregnant immediately after the first doesn’t make her guilty of any crime. Did you not make love to her within the period? Did you use any form of protection? For some women, pregnancy could occur in the first month after delivery. That she got pregnant almost immediately after the birth of her first child doesn’t make her guilty of anything. She has no power to determine the way her body works. Her body is functioning at the level God designed it to.

If you however feel you still want to go ahead with your decision to prove the paternity of the child, through Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA), go and see your doctor who would make arrangements for it to be done. Because the DNA contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms, it is the most conclusive means still available to man to determine the paternity of a child. Since it contains the instructions needed to construct other components of cells such as proteins and RNA molecules, it is most accurate than the usual blood test.

To minimise the effect of your decision on mother and child, be bold and honest. Make her understand it is the only way you can relate freely with you and the child.

Plead with her for her support because at the end of it all you two still have pending matters that would forever require your joint attentions irrespective of whether you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not.

Both of you should pray for the peace of God in your lives because if His presence is in your lives, this dreadful suspicion wouldn’t have been.

Good luck.

He’s not my kind of guy…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am currently very confused about my person and the direction of my life. At 23 years of age my relationship with members of the opposite gender is almost minus zero. If they are not disappointing me, they are busy breaking my heart. It isn’t funny anymore.

Presently, I am in a relationship with a guy who claims he wants me for a wife. As a matter of fact, he has been introducing me to all his friends as his wife. But frankly speaking Agatha, he isn’t the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

One of the reasons for this is that he isn’t honest and cannot be trusted whatsoever. He doesn’t care if I am in need of anything, instead he would be the one complaining about his lack of money. All he seems interested in is introducing me to his friends as his wife to be – a habit I detest with passion.

He is also jobless and claims to want to contest as a councillor in his local government area.

To add salt to injury, every guy that comes wants sex. No one wants to go steady with me.

I don’t know what to do because I am not getting younger. I just need a guy to settle down with, a guy that is loving, caring, and God fearing.

Please advise me on what to do. Should I stop accepting to go into relationship with men? Just tell me how to handle this matter.

Blessing.


Dear Blessing,

Often it is easiest to blame others for our own mistakes instead of facing the problems we have on our own created. If you are complaining of lack of interest in you by any man at just 23 years of age, what reputation and image did you present of yourself to those around you?

Do you package yourself as a young self-respecting woman? Are your values such that any man would be happy being around you? How do you interpret love? Do you see it as an investment of quick money, pure sexual satisfaction or an investment that requires patience, support, understanding, tolerance, selflessness, friendship and care?

If your attitude to the inability of your current boyfriend is anything to go by, you are more interested in the financial comfort than any real interest in the man. If you are complaining about lack of serious men in your life and you have one who is interested in marrying you and has practically told everyone about his intentions for you, then you don’t have any real challenge beyond your own refusal to get your priorities right. If money is what you want, you can’t rule out men demanding for sex because they have to get returns for their investment in your life.

It may sound crude but when most men spend money on women, they want one thing in returns – sex! Only responsible men give money and material things to women without expecting returns on their investment. So if you are looking for a ready made man, be prepared to pay the price of being used and dumped when a better and more attractive lady comes into the picture.

I appreciate the ache of being with one who seems visionless in life but it is not the same thing as being scornful of someone on account of his or her inability to get a job. What you should investigate about this man is his seriousness about life and vision. Don’t look at his current status, rather focus on his tomorrows. Do you detect any seriousness in him? Does he have what it takes to be a successful politician? There is nothing wrong in him wanting to be a councillor provided he is clear about his intentions.

A wise person looks at someone’s tomorrow, while a foolish person focus on only the today.

Don’t make the costly mistake many persons make in life. He may be jobless, appears to be a nuisance now but would he remain one for life?

And if you think, he doesn’t fit at all into your image of Mr. Right, do the decent thing of ending the relationship instead of sticking around him, depriving him and yourself of bright chances of meeting other interesting people. You would end up cheating yourself the more by staying on with him if you don’t like what he is telling people about you.

Importantly, develop the habit of praying. It would help you a lot in effecting some chances you may want to do in your life.

Good luck.