Thursday, December 27, 2012

Despite his aloofness, his mother urges patience

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, We were friends for more than one year before we started dating. We dated for four years and were never intimate because I told him from the beginning I was not interested in that aspect of our relationship. I am part of his education, I paid his schools fees and many other things. I did this because I have no intentions of marrying an uneducated man. You can therefore imagine my pains when he told me he can’t marry me: that I lack a good character as well as not being compatiable as a couple. I really love him because he has a good character and comes from a good family. I certainly hoped to have my children in that kind of home and live the rest of my life there because it was what I have always wanted. Although we do quarrel but he always come back to beg me to stay, but the real problem started recently when I asked him to take me to his parents. He refused on the grounds that it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know any of his friends or family members but because of the love I have for him, I didn’t mind, I patiently waited for him to graduate. After pleading with him on many occassions for me to meet with his parents, I finally managed to get his mother’s number on his phone and later called his mother to explained everything to her, his mother assured me of settling the matter between two of us when he comes back from the village and pleaded with me not to leave her son. His mother has been begging him on phone to re-concile with me. I am in my final year in school but it doesn’t matter, I can wait for him as long as it is what I want. I want a home where I will be able to achieve my aim in life not just getting marry for marrying sake. I don’t want to have problems with my marriage in future, such that will be make me consider getting a divorce and later I will be thinking of divorcing, this is why despite the many suitors coming my way, I prefer him. He is the kind of man I want in my life and no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in future, I love him enough to weather the storm with him. Now the issue is, aside his mother telling me to exercises patient, I don’t know what to do. I want him in life and my mother is aware of him and our challenges. She advised me to patiently wait for him. I have been praying for God to touch his heart and also begging him. Please I need your advise because I don’t want to make mistake in life. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, There is no challenge or issue patience cannot subdue. Endurance is priceless and a strong tool in avoiding regrets in relationships. Besides, there is no relationship without certain amounts of sacrifices. The higher the sacrifice the better the end results would be. If his mother is pleading with you to be patient, listen to her because she knows her son more than anyone else. She has said, she doesn’t want either of you to regret any decision made in haste; this flows from what she knows that you don’t know. Most men are not equipped with this attribute. Any woman who wants to enjoy her marriage must be able through patience manage her man well. and one of the tools a wise woman uses is respect. Good enough, your man in his letter said you have every thing he wants in a woman which means, it is not your person that is the problem in this relationship. This is why his mother says you should not be in a hurry to quit for whatever reason. There are four categories of men out there. those that want a woman and go for her, those that avoid the woman they don’t want and those that say one thing but are in fact thinking of the opposite what they are saying as well as those that simply don’t know what they want. In your boyfriend’s case, he appears for now not to know what he wants. Like most men his age, he wants the freedom to play the field a little bit, wants to enjoy the full benefit of his age before he settles. This is why he keeps urging you to settle for one of the many suitors coming your way. He isn’t thinking too much of a tomorrow because he is scared of contemplating the challenges that go with getting serious with a woman. He isn’t the first man to develop cold feet at the prospect of getting serious with a woman neither would he be the last. he needs assurances from you that he isnt about to make a costly mistake. Another thing that could be responsible for his attitude may not be unconnected with the role you played in his education. The fact that you paid his fees as well as provided for his needs is more than enough to get him. The clear message of your action is that you are capable of taking care of your needs hence may not need a man. I know that isn’t your intentions but a lot of men can be intimidated by such a woman. This is why you have to be careful it doesn’t appear to him that you are demanding marriage as a form of pay back for the help you rendered him. allowing him to make up his mind would help both of you in future to be truly happy. You have to give him the space to see you as his woman, desire you sufficiently to want to spend the rest of his life with you without doubts. The moment the doubts linger, he would always wonder if he got married to you as a form of gratitude or from a desire to do so. The danger of him getting married to you with this kind of nagging feelings on his mind is the lack of respect and devotion you deserve from him. The other angle is fear. How is he going to control and perhaps exercise authority over the woman who trained him? The the onus is on you to assure him that you will never take advantage of the help you freely offered him; that you will not make reference to it when you have disagreement or act it when you are angry with him. some women just don’t know when to apply the brakes on their temper when angry. They are always quick to remind not just the man of their contribution to his life but also to anybody who cares to listen. While he may not outrightly tell you all these as his real reasons, you must, if you are serious about being with him forever, initiate dialogue along that line. It is also important you dispel any mis-giving that you may be desperate to marry him at all cost. Don’t make your conversation sound like blame trading; rather, let him understand that it comes from a deep desire to source for long lasting solutions to the challenge both of you are making. To achieve positive results, listen more to him and be prepared to make more sacrifices if the need arises for the sake of keeping your relationship on track. While assuring him of your love, make it clear you are ready, even if you will be hurt of your willingness to respect whatever decision he comes up with at the end of the day. This is to communicate your desire for him to be happy to him. As a woman, your first duty is to ensure the man in your life is happy and comfortable with you as a woman. It makes other difficult aspects of two strangers coming together to make a life easier to fashion. He must know that you have the ability as well as stamina irrespect of human failures, to help him confront his worst nightmares in life especially as it affects the uncertainly of tomorrow. Therefore, don’t for whatever reason refuse to talk to him. There is always huge benefits in keeping the line of communication opened between two friends. Once both of you get into the habit of communicating as friends, a lot of these issues plaguing your relationship would become things of the past. It would make it easier for both of you to focus strenght on the right areas while letting go of those aspects of your relationship that are not important. Good luck.

He vows to marry only a virgin

Dear Agatha, May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, l was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that, my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should l tell him the truth and lose him or keep the secret to my self? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naĂŻve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t been having premarital sex, would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man; that is if you are really serious about marrying him is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he is matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after your started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is; it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation. Good luck.

She is playing around

Dear Agatha I am a regular reader of your column, please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realize that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough a criteria to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the important being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behavior towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are, give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways be obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck.

He is in love with his second cousin

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves. I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go. My question: what implication would they have if they continue? Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling? What should they do? Arms Dear Arms, In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins. Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members. It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not. Good luck. I love her Dear Agatha, Please I need your urgent assistance. There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart. You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious. She’ is the type of what I have always prayed for. However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart. Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me. Confused Lover. Dear Confused Lover, There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman. Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal. She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends. In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not. Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you. However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less. As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God. Good luck.

My husband has low sperm count

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I got married three years ago. My husband and I have been trying for a child since then. There is no place I haven’t been to in my quest for a child. There is no medication; I haven’t taken in my bid to be a mother. Since women are always to blame for the absence of a child in a marriage, I didn’t bother my husband too much to accompany me for any medical test. I just wanted to please him by having a baby. It wasn’t until I got introduced to my current doctor who insisted that for her to examine me, she must see my husband. Then I pressured him to come with me to see the doctor. After series of medical examinations, she certified me fit but sent my husband for more tests. Finally, it was discovered that he has low sperm count hence was placed on certain drugs with the instruction that we should make love as frequently as possible. He was specifically told that meeting me during my ovulation period would enhance my chances of becoming pregnant. Since I didn’t want to deflate his ego, I wisely refused to discuss it with him especially as he didn’t bring it up. The first few months, he abided by the doctor’s instruction but after the third month, he went back to doing things his way. Sometimes, he won’t come near me for weeks and when he finally does, it is over in a few minutes. When I tried to complain about the unfair way he was treating me, he flared up and accused me of conniving with the doctor to conceal my inability to give him a child; he described the diagnosis of the doctor that he has low sperm count as false and baseless. He promised to surprise me by impregnating another woman. There was no name he didn’t call the doctor and I. Two months ago, I developed a very nasty itch in my private part; on examination, I was told I have a sexually transmitted disease. When I confronted my husband with the situation, he told me to do whatever pleases me that he has since lost interest in our marriage. He went on to ask what use is having a woman in the house who cannot give him a child? The pressure is too much and my close friends are urging me to go out of my marriage and get pregnant to keep my husband. Although I have resisted so far but three weeks ago, I ran into an old friend and I am seriously contemplating dating him. I am so confused. Bisi Dear Bisi, No matter the challenges you are going through in your present marriage, don’t fall into the temptation of playing in the field. It isn’t worth it. You honestly have a good case now but once you decide to pay your husband back in his own coin, you end up being the loser. No matter how permissive we have become as a people, certain things never change. A married woman must be loyal to her vows. If a woman must play the field, she reserves the right to end her marriage which I am sure isn’t what you intend to happen in your marriage. Whatever you are going through in your marriage isn’t strange. Every marriage has its share of crisis and upheavals. The difference between failure and success is the ability to endure difficult periods like this in a marriage. Despite the behaviour of your husband, you must try to understand him; he is going through the worst kind of emotional crisis any man can go through in life. His reaction is a cry for help. Being told that his chances of fathering a child is very slim on account of having low sperm count can’t be easy. It is easier to blame the woman for being the cause of childlessness in a marriage than the man. One thing men cherish the most is their viability. And the usual thing is that since a man can sleep with a woman, he is considered hale and hearty; to be confronted with the knowledge that being able to have an erection doesn’t make a complete man of him needs getting used to. Your man is still in a severe state of shock. He needs all the time in the world to appreciate the issue before him. Understandably, so many questions are currently cascading through his mind; the major one being doubt. Not many men know that ejaculating semen during lovemaking doesn’t mean they have healthy sperm. A healthy sperm is the one with the force to make a woman pregnant. If a healthy man releases about 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation to get just one of the sperms to fertilise a ripe female egg, what chance does a man with low sperm count have to do the same job? Without him realising or admitting it, he needs you more than ever before. He needs your strength as a woman to pull through this very difficult period in his life. Like fish out of water, he will fight at first until he has no strength in him. It is a matter of his pride and ego as a man you are dealing with here. Unless you are patient, there is no stunt he isn’t capable of pulling in his current state of mind. This is his most vulnerable; when a designing and desperate lady can pin on him another man’s pregnancy. For a man looking for ways to prove the doctor wrong, his joy at being told he is responsible for a pregnancy will eclipse his sound rationality at least when it matters the most. For this reason, you have to know when to ignore him and pretend all is well. That he brought home a Sexually Transmitted Disease underscores the kinds of women he is bringing into his life. With the tense situation between the two of you, don’t bother with him, go and get yourself treated immediately because to wait for him is to expose yourself to the consequences of secondary infection. It is imperative you eliminate that first before informing him for his own well being that he has contacted an STD from one of his girlfriends. Show him the receipt and medical report of your own infection from him and how much the treatment cost you. The fact that you deliberately refused to quarrel with him over the matter might make him apply the breaks and reconsider the sanity of his actions. If he doesn’t, continue to ignore him and insist on a condom whenever he comes to you for lovemaking. Explain your insistence on the use of a form of protection; let him know it has nothing to do with your love for him but that of protecting your reproductive health and as well as general health from danger. Sincerely only very few men would be calm on hearing this kind of verdict. Many men will do precisely what he is doing. But from experience, this kind of behaviour soon expires leaving them exhausted and calm. Therefore you need to help him plan ahead; think of the many options both of you can explore as a couple as well as all the assurances of your love and support. No man wants the world to know about his inability in this area of life. This is the kernel of his behaviour. As always, there is no challenge too great for God to overcome. Many men with low sperm count have recovered to father children after adhering strictly to recommended treatment. He must be disciplined to overcome this challenge; this is where you should focus your prayers. If at the end of the day, he is still unable to father a child, both of you should consider the option of adopting one. The kinds of emotions, investment, time and love we invest in a child is what makes the difference. The difference between a biological child and an adopted child is that one grows in the mother’s tummy while the other grows in the heart. Through reassuring him of your love and support, he will soon overcome this challenge. Good luck.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I charmed him but he now hates me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Early this year, I fell flat for one of the most handsome men I have seen in my life. Despite having a man in my life, I pursued him with the single-mindedness of a desperate woman. I even had to use the help of a spiritualist to get him to notice me out of the many women flocking round him. Eventually, he noticed and we began dating. I went back to the spiritualist to consolidate my hold on him through the help of a substance he said I should lace his favorite food with. It worked like magic as he became virtually my slave; I could order him the way I like. However, after few months I got tired of the quality of relationship; I wanted something more; a man who has initiative, who could think and do things on his own. When I went back to the spiritualist, he said there was nothing he could do to reverse the initial thing he did for me but that he would give me something that will water down the effect. To my pains, he began to manifest violent tendencies immediately I mixed the substance with his drinks. These days, he beats me at the slightest excuse and he has started dating other women. Now he is rebelling so much against everything we planned; so much so, the wedding plans we have put in place, he is resisting. The sad thing now is that I have become pregnant. Now he is telling anybody who cares to listen, that he isn’t interested in me anymore. The spiritualist is currently indisposed and I have nobody to help me put him under check. I am really desperate for your help. Our wedding is planned for the end of January next year. My father is already asking me questions about my state because he is a pastor. Everyday things are getting worse between my boyfriend and I. besides, I discovered he smokes and drinks. I don’t know what to do. He wants me out of his house before my pregnancy becomes noticeable but the man I brought home is different from this one that I have. I know you can help me. Severally I have had to lie about the injuries I sustain through his beatings. I am 26 years old. I don’t think he is being fair to me and his unborn child. Tolu. Dear Tolu, At 26 years of age, what was your hurry? What prompted you into going to a spiritualist to seek help in engaging the interest of a man and binding him to you? What was so special about this man that you couldn’t wait for reason to prevail? As the daughter of a pastor, what examples were you taught and given? From all you have said, this man is absolutely blameless. If there is anybody who is unfair here, it is you. You are the one that hasn’t been fair to this man or your former boyfriend. You wanted him against his will, turned him into something alien to his nature. Don’t forget that you are the one who used charms to chain him to you, and influence him into a relationship he may not have any memory of. Had he come to you with his clear mind, slept with you of his own volition and he turns round to abandon you, then you can accuse him of being unfair. But you planned everything, played god in the affairs of your life. Unfortunately, those who play god in affairs of men end up being the loser. You are in the thorns of embarrassment because you ran beyond your destiny; designed your own life, coloured it the way you thought it would work for you. It is unfortunate but you just must learn from this point to submit yourself to the ways of God so that you won’t end up in more emotional mess than you bargained for. One way to begin to do that is to accept the situation you have put yourself because it is too late in the day to do anything about it. You have made yourself this bed, so learn to lie on it with the most minimum fuse. In addition, you have to accept the reality of the matter; you are going to be a single parent. So brace up now and come clean with what you did so that your parents will know what to do and how to be of help to you. It is absurd that you went to the extent you got to in your bid to attract the attention of a man. If at 26, you have already started trading in charms to attract and sustain the interest of men, what would you do when you are older and not as attractive as you are now? That you are a daughter of a pastor makes the whole scenario very disturbing because you are supposed to be a beckon of hope to young ladies like you. I shudder to think what you would have done or how far you would have gone if your father wasn’t a pastor. Life is a stage; there is no jumping into the next stage without paying the dues of the stage one is first. Besides, we are each blessed with a quality that makes us unique. You ran after a man who has physical beauty to the exclusion of his other qualities. Confiding in your parents now would stop whatever actions your father might be contemplating taking to protect his name and image as a pastor. Clearly, you need help to manage this situation well. By telling your parents the whole truth, you would be giving them the chance to help you face the truth about yourself. From the tone of your letter, you are not even repentant; you are unaware of the issues to address; could it be you are pretending not to know where the mistake is coming from? Sincerely, you cannot move on from this point you have tied yourself if you don’t do the honest thing of facing the ugly side of you. You must unlock the potency of that force that propelled you into charming a man repeatedly. It isn’t healthy and the normal thing for any right thinking woman to do. Marriage isn’t a do or die affair. It takes two reasonable and happy minds to make this journey work. Without the active support and participation of one of the parties, there is no marriage. Even if you had succeeded in marrying this man, you would never have enjoyed it because right from the beginning he never participated in it. What were you thinking; charming a man to be yours? Did it ever occur to you that a relationship premised on charm would have to be sustained by it? How many charms do you think would last forever? You would have to keep going every month to a spiritualist to renew whatever you did to make him happy with you. Talking to your parents will help you meet the person inside of you. It will also help you come to a realistic assessment of all that have happened to you on one hand and your parents on the other hand. In addition it will also help your parents focus on the areas of their training that is defective and give your father the presence of mind to protect you the more from yourself. To overcome this ugly development, discontinue any contact with this man. I concur in your own way you love him but it just went a little bit askew. More than before, you must help yourself make very rational decisions else you would reduce yourself to some kind of emotional rubble, a luxury you cannot afford considering you have a baby to love, care and protect. By accepting the baby as compensation for all your efforts and evidence of the love you feel for the father would make it bearable for you to continue with your life. Also, life is about learning from our mistakes. The only way you can fully recover from this experience and turn it into your strength is to acknowledge all the areas you went wrong. By now, you should know that no spiritualist and charm can give you what God hasn’t given you. Unless God builds a house those who build it, do so in vain. Go back to that point you made a mistake and seek the face of God. He is the only help we all have. If it entails going to this man to beg him to forgive you, do so because in all ways, you offended him. The effects of the charms you used on him may be the things turning him into the violent person he has become. There is no telling the kinds of powers the spiritualist let loose on this innocent man. Only forgiveness from him can ever make you complete. Good luck.

I love my wife as well as my girlfriend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married but, things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children, provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband. Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truth about the mess you put yourself and family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. she fell in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell her the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she gets to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life, is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’ t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way your wife has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife has made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides, any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but, a different ball game to be infested with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life wont allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

He wants me to dress against my beliefs

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a Christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwears. These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself. We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days. I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been. I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine. He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like. I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me? I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant. What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says? Yeniola. Dear Yeniola, The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head. From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution. Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband. Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God. Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife? As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home? One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you. The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing. To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling. Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself. If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers. The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you? If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband. As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours. Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil? The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator. No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home. The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive. Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women. Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with. Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things. Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way. Good luck.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I love her but…

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please help me. I have been in love with a lady for seven years without any problem. We like each other and have agreed to marry. However problem started two years ago when she began to date another man, a development which led to her ignoring me completely. I have asked God to bring another woman my way if she isn’t His choice for me but my spirit keeps telling me she is my wife but she simply refuses to listen to me anytime I approach her. Please what do I do? Mr. Worried. Dear Mr. Worried, Why did she leave you after seven years for another man? Was there or has there been any disagreement between the two of you? What happened to your seven-year-old dream? One thing is to feel it down in your spirit that she is the right one for you; another thing is to be ready to make the sacrifices that come with entrenching an enduring relationship. Seven years are enough for both of you to have understood yourselves very well. At that age, your relationship shouldn’t be having the problem of abandonment whatsoever. What went wrong between the two of you? What did you two do to help stabilise the relationship? What were your own faults and how did you treat her as your woman? A lot of time, when a woman leaves for another relationship, it may not necessarily be because she is promiscuous or greedy, it may just be because her former man didn’t give her the kind of attention and care she needs as a woman. You may not realise it at the time she was with you but if you want to do yourself a world of good, take a step back in time to the beginning of your relationship with her. Go through every page of your seven years together. Take the time to pay detailed attention to those years, her constant complaints about you? The things she didn’t like as well as the quality of happiness you were able to give her! Deep down and in retrospect, would you say, you were very fair to her? There are so many things we do without us realising its implications until it is too late. Everyday is however a new opportunity for us to make amends in life. Whatever it is you haven’t done right with her, you have a new chance of doing right with another woman or with her if God says you two are meant to be. But the important thing now is to hear clearly from God. It is about what you feel but what God is saying is good for you. If she has given her commitment to another man, the right thing is for you to step aside and allow them be. To continue to hang around in hope that she would come back to you after two years of walking out on you is to deny yourself a chance at happiness again. Whatever made her decide against you after seven years must be strong and needs addressing in your life to help you in your new relationship. Your concern now should be not to make the same mistakes you made with her with another woman. Some things are not just meant to be in life no matter how much we desire them. She will continue to ignore you because she has found happiness with someone else and wouldn’t want you to destroy it. The best you can hope for from her is to be your friend but not when the issues that informed her leaving you appears to be still hurting her. It appears like a case of you crying over spilt milk. When appreciation comes too late in a relationship, a whole lot of things may have been damaged beyond repairs. By waiting in the wing hoping her relationship with her new man falls into pieces isn’t a solution. Rather, you should let go and pray the right prayer to God for intervention in your own life. You are not hearing clearly from God because your mind is preset into having her back at all cost. You can only hear from God when you are quiet and patient enough to give Him the opportunity to speak to you. This means your hurt, disappointments, and desperation must give way to appreciation of the ways of God. God doesn’t make mistakes. Give God all the glory that this break up didn’t happen after you have married; that would have been very devastating and its consequences very difficult to untangle from. That it happened before you both could say I do, should be viewed by you as an act of God’s divine mercy. Listen to Him with patience. Good luck.

Will my fiancee remain loving, caring after marriage?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks a lot for the great priceless help you render to people. My Gmail is filled with all your responses to people’s issues. However, I will be getting married in September of 2013. I have been dating my woman for 10 years. She is still a virgin while I am not. I love her so much that I can go the extra mile to let the world see how much she means to me. But, my fear is if things will continue like this between us after marriage. The questions that keep coming to my mind are; will it always be this blissful between us, will I change from being who I am and will she still be the same loving and caring woman that I marry? This is because people change after marriage. My parents were not left out and today I can’t look at my parents and say their marriage is blissful. Worst still, people pretend during courtship but my woman is not a pretender. I would be grateful if a dossier of questions is prepared for her and me. Even the ones on sex though I know she has no experience except gist and information from her female folks. The last time I questioned her about our relationship and things like my likes and dislikes was six years ago. Now, I need questions for marriage, technically and from your experience as a marriage expert. People might wonder what I still want after 10 years of friendship. Though I have some answers based on my experiences with her but there are things I still need to know about the journey we are about to embark on. I just need assurances. The Chinese proverb says ’empty the cup if you want more knowledge’. Besides we have not seen for more than five times in four years. I need questions to ask her if possible to be our constant guide after marriage. This is because my mother told me how much my father loved her in the early part of their marriage but now I sense no more passion in my father’s eyes for my mother. I don’t want mine to be like theirs. I want to enjoy mine. This is why I want you to be part of my marriage, and ensure it runs smoothly. Moreover, God has given you knowledge of counseling, why deny myself the honour and privilege when the priceless things of this world are free. Omini. Dear Omini, God and not me should be part of your marriage because He is the one with all the wisdom and knowledge of how to navigate the stormy roads of marriage. I want to start by telling you that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Every marriage has its share of storms and challenges, which the couple must pass through to give marriage a character. And there is no such thing as having thorough knowledge of each other. There will always be things you will never know about each other. It is the complexity of the human nature. The important thing is for both of you to be focused and open minded about the things concerning yourselves and pending marriage. One way to do that is to learn from the mistakes of your own family. Your parents remain your first contact with the complications of marriage. From your observations of your parents’ union, what do you think went wrong with their dreams and happiness? Can you do a detailed appraisal? For instance, if you were to score your father, how will you grade him in relation with his treatment of your mother? This is important in the sense that we unconsciously ape our parents. Many a time, we do unfair comparison between our parents and our spouses. For you to enjoy your wife, you must avoid comparing her with your mother or sisters. You must also resist the urge to import some of your father’s attitude to your mother into your marriage. Life is about accepting the good things and doing away with the bad ones. If your father took pride in sidelining your mother from major decisions in the home and life, it doesn’t make it right. You and your woman must pattern your marriage to suit your needs and in line with your own peculiarities as individuals. These are things that you don’t plan for but which come unconsciously into the mind. From my experiences, these are the most potent threats to marriages. Without either planning for it, they end up importing their parents’ mistakes into their own marriages; in the process, a lot of conflicting signals that end up confusing couples find their way into their marriages. That is why seemingly happy couples end up tearing themselves apart few seconds after they sign the dotted lines. The maturity of marriage begins from a realistic approach to issues rather than sentiments; this is the way my parents did it. Therefore you and your woman must first come to a clear consciousness of the inherent issues you are inheriting from your sets of parents’ marriages. Both of you must sit to critique the union of your different parents with a view to doing away with those things inimical to the development and sustenance of a marriage. Whether you both accept it or not, this is something you must sit down to talk about. You may both think it isn’t your problem but experience has exposed it as the unseen third party in a marriage. Right from the nascent stage, both of you must be united in avoiding the mistakes of your parents in your own marriage. So ask her to tell you about the marriage of her parents. Their love story, the disappointments, how they survived and the point they are currently in. if her parents have enjoyed friendship from the day they met to this point of their union, you can be rest assured that she too will want to be happy in hers. Furthermore, you also have to know the kind of relationship that exists between her and her mother, father and siblings. A heart that is deficient in love will never appreciate one when given. Even if the heart jumps at it at the initial stage, overtime, it will find ways to reject it. Therefore you must know by asking and observing. The real reason you have to observe is because there are certain knotty issues you can only get the answers through observations. Nobody will tell you how the mother abuses the father or how disrespectful the father is to the mother. These are answers you can only get by getting close to the family. So no matter the number of questions I give you to ask her, the real substance of a person can only be deduced through observation of the people that make that person. This is because we are all products of our environment. A good marriage needs the visions of both the man and woman. For two to walk as one, they must have identical dreams. No matter how profound your love for each other is, if both of you are pulling the fabric of your marriage at different ends, it will eventually give way. A man or woman can be nice but if paired with the wrong spouse, things can go very wrong. This is the reason you must also fine-tune your visions to compliment each other’s dream. And since you both seldom see each other, there is also the important business of you two really sitting down to discuss your persons, likes and dislikes. A man and woman can be together for decades without really knowing what makes them happy whereas, a couple can meet today and become happy at their choices. For your marriage to work, both of you must adopt realistic and workable approaches to issues. Good luck

Thursday, December 13, 2012

My in-laws want everything my late husband worked for

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a widow; have been a one since July last year. My husband died in a motor accident along the Lagos/Benin expressway on his way from an official engagement. His employers were very good to us. Many of his colleagues stood and are still standing by us but because he died intestate, his family has been battling me since his burial for the two houses he left behind. All the money which should have come to me and the children during the burial as well as his entitlement went to his younger brother he documented as his next of kin. He was at a time staying with us, was sponsored by my husband through school. He collected over N6m; he didn’t bother to give the children and I anything. Our last child was at the time of her father’s death writing her project and required certain money. Not wanting to bother me, she went to this uncle of hers, he drove her out of his house, said all sorts unprintable things about me and my children. I only got to hear after the incident. She eventually got the money from her father’s best friend. I have always been a full time house wife; my husband didn’t want me doing anything; he wanted me to be available for the family. Severally, I tried to persuade him to allow me go into business, he declined. In fairness to him, he did his best to make me happy. I am from a very humble background; despite this he married me and today, through his support, I went back to school. I trained as a teacher. My in-laws say they have a right to everything because only their son worked for it all. That since they married me, I haven’t done any kind of work in my life beyond eating and sleeping and that while their son was alive, I was the only one enjoying him even though they were the ones that trained him. Since his death, his sister and another cousin have practically moved in with me; each day is a struggle for me. They insist I pack out of their brother’s house. My children though are 23 and 21 years of age lack the stamina to confront them. Their father always sheltered them. His best-friend who is the lawyer is urging me to go to court, actually went to court to get a restraining order against them but knowing how diabolical they can be, I don’t want trouble for my children. The documents of the house are in my children’s names. My husband built a different house in my name, unknown to his people. I also know he bought a parcel of land in the village two years before he died; he intended it for a farm land but that too has been taking over by his family members who are busy fighting each other for their own share. I am writing to you to help me make the right decision concerning this issue of inheritance. Should I go to court over these two houses or do I allow them take over everything? I am scared of them because from the very moment my husband died, they have started fighting over his property. There are signs to make me believe that they know about his death. Out of three cars he had, they have taken two; the only car I have left is the new one he bought and which didn’t come until after the burial. His friend had to take delivery of it, packed it in his house until four months after his death before bringing it to our house. He told my in-laws that the car was bought by my late husband’s friends for me. But for that story he told them, I wouldn’t have a car to use. Betty. Dear Betty, Life is segmented into different seasons. There is always a time to remain calm and time to fight. Anyone who sits on the fence all the time ends up being a mere spectator in the affairs of men. It is unfortunate you lost your husband in the circumstances that he died but, you must do something to protect the inheritance of your children, no matter how daunting the task appears to be. You have acted reasonably so far bu, you must show your fangs too; make them realize that you have feelings and that you too can bite. They are acting this way because they sense your fear as well as the inability of your children who under the law are old enough to decide what they want, to challenge them. There is a big difference between wisdom and foolishness. Wisdom is what you have displayed thus far; allowing them to take the things they have taken so far but you would be foolish to give up your children’s houses simply because you are afraid of them. The children too have a right to their father’s property. If someone took away N6m without parting with a dime and others are busy cutting up his parcel of land; why should you give up the houses he specifically built in the names of the children? The laws of the land are explicit on such matters. Besides, there is a God you can always run to; you are challenged by their attitude for the reason that you appear timid and one that lacks the courage to fight for what is yours. One way to end this fear of them is to perish the thoughts from your mind that they killed your husband. Only God, the author of life has the power to do that. Your husband died because it was his time to take his final bow. If they had the powers to really kill, you wont be alive today; the same people you think killed your husband would have killed you and the children too to enable them have unlimited access to your late husband’s property; it would have been an easier option for them. That you and the children are still alive means God hasn’t given over your lives to anybody. And as long as you trust and have faith in that God, you will stop being afraid of mere mortals like you. Always believe that where you are concerned, they are limited by the presence of your God. The truth is that, they will not stop at anything to strip you of everything you and your husband worked for. Even if you never worked since you got married him, you produced the right environment for him to create the wealth they are all fighting you for. If you didn’t support him or, gave him hell, he wont have the presence of mind to think positively. For that reason alone, you deserve respect and honour. Besides, whatever they invested on him, isn’t your business. He was their son and their duty to educate him just as it is your business to ensure that your children get the best of their inheritance. Taking over everything your husband worked for in life amounts to denying his children the right to premium education and a good place in the scheme of life. That is what you should protect by refusing total freedom for them to trample upon your rights as his wife and mother of his children. Those children don’t answer to your father’s name; they are the future of their father, his legacy and bequest to his own family. If they have forgotten this fact, make them understand that whether they liked it or not, they must factor in the interest and future of the children their brother left behind; it is the only way the so called school fees they paid on their father can yield better dividends for them to further enjoy. It is high time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and take complete charge of your life. Begin by serving those who have taken over your house with a quit notice. Should they fail to pack out, consider the option of either selling the house completely or renting it out while you move to a smaller place that, will just be enough for you and your children. Ensure there is no extra room for anybody to stay in. For now, go for a rented apartment to remove all pressures from you. You can move into your own house later but for now, it will be best for you to stay in a rented apartment. This will give them the impression that you are really pressed for cash; that you are down on your knees. Since their motive is to ensure you are left with nothing; they will celebrate their achievement and in the process allow you to begin life anew. Give instruction to your lawyer to go ahead with the case while you go on your knees to ask for strength from God. Let them know that while you are prepared to let go of everything they have stolen from you, but that these two houses belong to your children and you aren’t ready to give them up. Good luck.

Could you beg my husband to forgive me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. We were extremely close while we were in school. When he left me to marry another woman, I was very devastated that I married the first man that proposed to me. I never loved my husband but I had to accept his proposal to protect my image and heart. Being a marketing officer, he was always traveling which gave me freedom from his boring presence. The more he tried to make me happy, the more I loathed him; so much so it became difficult for me to relax whenever we were making love. At a time, I had to device the means of juxtaposing his image with that of my ex to make myself endure his attention. Deep down I didn’t want to have a baby for him and just at the time he was putting pressures on me, I met my ex again quite by accident and one thing led to the other, I became pregnant for him. I was happy thinking he would marry me; I didn’t mind being his second wife as long as I would remain in his life. The issue now is that he is declining responsibility for the child. He said, I should either get rid of it or pass it to my husband as his’. It could have been done if I hadn’t told my husband off; told him that I am leaving him for good; that I have found the man I have always loved; that I never loved him. I have also told him that I am pregnant with the other man’s child. So how do I go back to him? I have suddenly come to the realization that I love him so much. I have made up my mind to abort the baby but the real issue is how to get my husband to listen to me. Can you call him for me since he is your fan? I am sure he will listen to you. And please tell me what to do to make him accept my presence again in his life. Janice. Dear Janice, This matter is beyond my intervention; it is too fundamental for me to get involved. This is a matter you have to first tackle on your own with your husband before I can call him to plead on your case. To do it at this stage is to sweep all the important issues of your union and situation under the carpet. Besides, it will be giving you an easy landing when you should face the consequences of your action. You don’t spit on a man’s face and expect someone else to clean it for you. Even if he agrees to my intervention now, the truth is, the real problems will still remain and bound to come up again in a few months time because marriage is about two people. Both of you must first get to a point for a third party to come into it. In addition, if this man were your brother or friend, would you advice him to take back his wife simply because someone he respects comes into it? The right thing is for you to first attempt a candid approach to it. There are very important issues laced into it that requires your attention as well as assurances. Granted there is no marriage without its upheavals but these are very serious things you have done; issues capable of demoralizing the man as well as damaging him for another woman he maybe interested in marrying in the future. Not only did you hold back your love from him, you also denied him that part of you that is important to every man. it isn’t until you put a knife to his neck to cut it open that you have killed him; in every way, you have killed that thing that makes him a man. If it was a just a case of you going out to have an affair, though bad in itself, it would have been more clear cut a case. But how does one begin to beg a man you so callously treated? You told to his face, not just about the affair you were having but of the baby you are expecting for the man who has made it impossible for you to love him as you ought to. The first question here is, would you have come back to him if the other man you got pregnant for agreed to marry you as a second wife? This is one question you must answer with every fiber of truth in you. it is not just about wanting to come back to your husband but about what you really feel for this man. If you were a man, would you take back a woman who treats you the way you have treated your husband? Would you ever entrust your life to a woman who had the guts and boldness to tell you she never loved you and is leaving you on account of the result of her extra marital affair? What assurances that he won’t be opening himself up for more pains by accepting you back into his life? Honestly, you can only move on from this marital precipice you have placed yourself by first coming out to work on yourself. Remember this man didn’t drive you away; by your own choice, you decided to throw him and his love to the dogs. Your coming back therefore, must be something you really understand and desperate to make right. Between you telling him off and now, what has changed to make you want to come back to him? He deserves to know since that will be one of the things he would put into consideration when making up his mind about your new position. For instance, on what terms do you want to come back to him; to be your friend or continue as your husband? In that case, what happens to the baby inside of you? Even if you succeed in aborting it as you are contemplating, how do you plan to delete the memories of your conduct from your husband’s memory? The truth is when issues become this complicated in a marriage, it is always best for both parties to go on separate little holiday to work things out. Beyond your telling him what your new position is about him, give him time to digest all that have happened to him. That he didn’t complain about your attitude towards his presence during those days he wanted intimacy with you doesn’t mean, he wasn’t aware of your reaction to his presence in your life. Chances are he kept quiet hoping you will get over whatever the problem bothering you was. He may have even suspected your unfaithfulness but hearing it from your own mouth must have caused something to die deep inside him. To even get him to listen to your proposal, you must first find the man inside of him that you lost through your own carelessness. This is the man you must apologise to, make peace with, allay the natural fear of his safety with you and reassure of your loyalty before you can approach him as your husband. this is because you didn’t hurt your husband but rather you did the man encased inside him. He may and may not take you back, but you need to seek first his forgiveness to be able to move past the position you have placed in yourself. As for the pregnancy, the choice of what to do is yours but what happens if that is the only child you are predestined to have? Won’t that be cutting your nose to spite your face? That child is innocent, had no hand in your reckless decisions to sleep with a man who left you to marry another woman. The fact that he left you in the first place to wed another should have told you in clear terms that he didn’t feel the things you felt for him. That alone should have made you to avoid him like a plague. You and not the man; are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. If he denied you and your pregnancy, he has every right to because in accepting what you freely offered, he didn’t promise you anything. His decision shows he is a man who values his home despite his affairs with you. Since you knew the risks involved in dating a married man and announcing your infidelity to your husband, be bold enough to take on the responsibility of this child. Don’t complicate things for yourself by tampering with this pregnancy. If your husband loves you, the presence of that child will not stop him from taking you back. Good luck.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I haven’t been able to move forward after 12 years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Although, I am currently 27 years of age, I feel really helpless to admit that after 12 years my boyfriend and I parted ways; I have been unable to forget him. He is my first love. We were classmates and were always quarrelling. To those around us, our quarrels appeared fundamental but deep inside of us, we knew we were only being silly. I actually got to know the strength of his feelings for me through his friends. Till date, I still cherish the moment I heard how much he loved me. But being from a conservative religious family, I was scared of the consequences if my family got to find out about my relationship with any man so I openly snapped at him and said I don’t love him at all. I was deeply hurt but I pretended not to be. My reaction was the same when he attempted it again. My last day in school, I left without saying goodbye. But, ever since, I have been unable to forget him, can’t think of anybody else other than this man. Even after all these years, his memories still bring butterflies into my stomach. Recently, I managed to find him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted it and wanted us to meet online. Then all of a sudden, he blocked me. It’s really killing me. All these years I have tried to get over him; turned down the interests of others because in him I found a soulmate; each day I get more depressed just thinking about him. All I want to do is to declare my feelings then and now for him. I will accept it if he says to me it is over. But, after all these years, he came back and just shut out me out of his life; this is what is hurting me so much. Please advice me. Bhadra.

Must a woman reach orgasm to be pregnant?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Is it true that a couple must reach orgasm for the woman to get pregnant? I have never experienced orgasm and I am trying to get pregnant. Joyce. Dear Joyce, It isn’t true. Orgasm is only a function of the quality of sex between a couple and plays no role in the ability of reproduction of the woman. Once sperm gets into a virgina, it will always find its way to target once it is the right time of the month. If you are trying to get pregnant and you are not achieving results the first place to go is to see your doctor to examine you for any possible medical condition preventing you from getting pregnant. A number of factors could be responsible for a woman’s inability to get pregnant. In addition, the fault could come from your husband’s sperm quality. The fact that a man is secreting what looks like sperm doesn’t mean he is producing quality sperm that can make a baby. Some men have very poor quality sperm or very low sperm count. This means as a couple you and your man must first clear the medical hurdle; once certified fit to make babies you can both begin to consider other reasons you are not taking in. For instance, you may both be making love on the wrong days of the month, hence the need for you to know more about your body, the high and low days. To get it right, you must know how many days cycles you are. It would help you calculate your safe and unsafe days. The time you are at higher risk of getting pregnant, known as your ovulation days and when you are least likely to get pregnant. Apart from calculating your cycle from the second day of your menses, your body temperature too can forecast your safe and unsafe days. It is a matter of knowing your body intimately, knowing when your body temperature is higher, knowing when you are secreting that slimy fluid and the pap like substance. It is for you to know the information your body is passing to you. When the slimy secretion comes it means you are at your peak of getting pregnant, while the pap like secretion means you are not likely to get pregnant. Read up articles on ovulation, the different kinds of discharges women have and what they are saying about the condition of the woman’s reproductive ability. If you don’t know how to go about it, go to the family planning department in the hospitals. You will be educated on safe and unsafe days. Don’t allow your destiny to be influenced by misinformation that has no basis to real life situation. As long as you aren’t shy to ask questions and from those who know, you will always get the right answers to your challenge. Good luck.

I get easily erected in the presence of girls

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, You are doing a great job educating people on various topics. I just pray God rewards you here on earth. I am a shy boy of 18 years of age and have this problem of unwarranted erection most especially when I am in the company of girls. It happens without me thinking of anything. Most times it tries to embarrass me, I usually find excuses to leave their company immediately. This has been going on for quite sometime now and I really don’t have an explanation for this. Dominic. Dear Dominic, At 18 what you are going through is normal. It shows you are healthy but that you are yet to master the act of self-control. This is important. Unlike the women whose genitals are concealed in her body, that of the man is exposed and easily broadcast the man’s state of mind when in company of women. It isn’t socially healthy for you to go about exhibiting your object of desire each time you are with a woman. When the urges are coming think of something not so palatable, something to help take your mind off the woman in front of you and deflate your balloons from blowing up. The fact that you are having those erections shows that you are thinking of sex. It may not be a conscious thing but deep in your sub-consciousness, you feel like ripping the clothes off her. There must be something that goes on in your mind anytime you are with a woman to bring on that kind of physical response from your body. Your erection is a manifestation of the direction and quality of your thoughts when you are with these girls. By learning to be truthful to yourself, you will be able to fight the challenge more effectively. Good luck.

My daughter is stubborn, unruly

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. It is always a pleasure to read you. Your serialisation of the marriage issue you treated in November is a collector’s item. I look forward to when you would decide to turn it into a book. I am 55 years of age. My first daughter is married to one of the most gentle men I have ever met. But my daughter is a very stubborn and unruly lady. Right from her younger days, she has always been wayward. There is nothing I haven’t done to make her change but she has remained the way she is. Sometimes, I can’t help thinking she is my nemesis. I had her when I was 19 from my first affair. My mother wanted me to abort the pregnancy but young as I was, I insisted I wanted to keep it. Looking back at the many things she has done to me, I sometimes wish I had listened to my mother. I am not proud to say this but she has done things beyond my comprehension. I have never stopped praying for her. Her other siblings keep their distance from her because of her behaviour. When she brought this man home, as the man she desired to marry, I couldn’t stop thanking God because of the nature of this man. Like every other mother, I called my daughter aside to plead with her not to allow this man out of her life; that God brought him to change her life for the better. I also called the man aside to plead with him to always tolerate his wife and that he must be more than a husband to her. I explained to him that she needed a father figure. Their wedding day was my happiest day. She was so beautiful; I wept for joy. Two years down the road, I don’t know what to do with her anymore. The husband is tired of her. Can you imagine she would leave her baby and go partying with friends, come back home drunk? She has also been linked with several men. I have done my best to shield her from the wrath of her husband but she has persisted. Now she is accusing me of being her problem; that I am the one feeding her husband with false information about her; I am so confused at this. Really I don’t know what to do about her. Since she is always leaving the baby for her husband, he has expressed a desire for me to keep the baby with me since he doesn’t want his family to know what is happening. I don’t want more problems with my daughter by offering to take the baby but if I don’t, she will lose her home because I am aware of the pressures my son-in-law is facing from his family. Please what do I do? Do I damn my child and take the baby off her or distant myself from this whole mess? Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, Refuse to be blackmailed by your daughter. There is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her child. If your taking the child will allow for peace in her home, preserve her marriage and give her husband a reason to always come back home, ignore your daughter. Make the success of her home your priority; by the time she gets to that point every woman gets to know and realises that she needs her home and family more than anything else, she will be grateful for the positive roles you played in the preservation of her home. Because she still considers herself hot and attractive, she will do anything in her power to frustrate you so that she can continue to live her life the way she deems fit. You have to be careful she doesn’t use you as the reason for the collapse of her marriage. This is why you must stand your ground and do what you consider to be right always irrespective of what she thinks of your concern for her. While you continue to arbitrate in her marriage, you must also find ways of talking to her. In a way, your inability to get through to her maybe the reason she is living her life the way she likes. Weaning a child of his or her bad ways takes more than scolding. You have to show her love and understanding by coming down to her level. You need to talk to her as a friend. Having her at 19, may have affected the way you relate with her. Sometimes it isn’t the things we say that end up being the problems in our lives but those things we refuse to say. If you have always acted as if she is a burden, never finding that time to treat her as a special child, there is no way she will ever be an ideal child to you. Somehow, she may have escaped with the notion that you don’t like her being a child of circumstance. Her behaviour is her way of crying out to you to help her by giving her attention. It is time you sat your daughter down for that important mother and daughter talk. Open up to her about her paternity; if she hasn’t met her father, please take the steps. It is important else she will never be the kind of daughter you want her to be. She has to know who her father and family is. She can never have the peace of mind or the kind of respect you deserve as a mother. She needs you as her friend to move beyond this stage of rebellion to other things. Chances are she is also rebelling against her husband because of his closeness to you. Unless you do the unusual, you will lose her forever and in a way destroy her home. It is time to revisit your past; at her age, she will understand whatever you have to say concerning your relationship with her father as well as the decisions you took. It will also help to know that you had a choice to abort her and that your mother actually suggested it to protect you but that you insisted on having her because you loved her from the beginning. The essence of telling this story is to help her realise the kind of sacrifice you made for her even before she was born. Also, explain your closeness to her husband and the reason you appear to always be on his side. Appreciating that your interest doesn’t go beyond that of being a mother, will help her calm down. Furthermore, reconcile your children; although you didn’t say what kinds of things happened between her and her siblings, you must overcome your pains by bringing all of them together. Being the only one of a different father, she needs your love and support to properly integrate into the family. You are the only one that has the authority to bring your children together. And please don’t allow her behaviour stop you from praying for her. Battles of this nature are won on bent knees and not by fighting or getting angry. She may not know it now but, she needs you more than she realises. Call her and her husband for a detailed discussion on the challenges of marriage and how their imperfection can end up being their strength. Also make it clear, you are taking the child for now to enable both of them get their acts together. Good luck.

Who do I settle for among these women?

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been facing a lot of confusion concerning my life. I have been in a relationship with this lady for years now. Before we added a year to our relationship, we had a problem that led me into a messy relationship with another lady. I call it a stupid mess because I am not benefiting from it. Instead, it is draining my pocket, which is making me lose concentration at school and at work. Currently, I am between two ladies and don’t know whom to settle for. The second lady deflowered me. My feeling for the first lady is pure and clean, devoid of sex while my feeling for the second lady is woven around the aroma of sex being my instructor. I always call on her whenever I feel like having sex. Because of this, I don’t know who to give the marching orders out of these two women. Please help me make the right choice. PA. Dear PA, The choice before you is that of what is most important to you in life and subsequently in that woman who would give support to your dreams in life. Sex is what everywoman can give a man. Even if she lacks the kind of experience you find in another woman, if you worth your salt as a man, you can teach the woman in your life how to please you in bed. But peace of mind is only what a few women can give their men. Every couple has the ability to patent its sex in such a way to give pleasure forever. It is just a matter of imagination, honesty and pure sense of adventure. This is however different when it has to do with attitude and character. These are what make sex between couples different from what they have experienced with causal friends. Sex has its own power of communication and the value of this aspect of sex can only be enhanced when the relationship is enveloped in friendship. This is what gives it a different kind of flavour. Therefore, you need more than desire to enjoy sex. What is happening between you and this lady is raw want, especially as you are experiencing sex for the first time. The thrill of a woman’s body is what is influencing you right now and the only power of communication you and this woman have unlike your first relationship where you both have mastered the act of communication that comes from pure friendship. What you should do now is get out for a little while. You need time on your own to revalue your relationship with both women. Revisit the reason for your disagreement with your first girlfriend. What led to it? Why did you jump immediately into another relationship? First take a deep look at your relationship with your first girlfriend. Are there areas you think she is lacking? In what way are you also contributing to the problem? Just like it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something beautiful. At this crucial point, you need to be very honest with yourself to avoid regrets later in life. Take retrospective look at your relationship with the first lady. In all your months together, how much impact and changes has brought into your life? If you were to live without her, what would you miss most about her? Do you think, deep down, this other woman would be able to give you the kind of happiness she gives you outside sex? By keeping in view your dreams in life and x-raying your relationships with these women, you give yourself the chance of knowing whom to settle for. The woman must have the ability to awaken in you a desire to excel through her unconditional support, patience, loyalty, friendship, respectful, tolerance, prayerful and understanding. Any woman who isn’t patient, lacks the selflessness to make a relationship work, isn’t prepared to tolerate the expected ups and downs would not have the kind of sensitivity needed to propel a man to attain his best in life. A man needs more than a bedmate; he needs a friend to always come home to. One who will always understand that it takes more in life to make a dream come true and is forever on her knees praying for her family to succeed and who has the right kind of respect to cope even when tempers are high. As man, you must look out for that woman who has the ability to cope when you are not around or when things are not going well. She must be a reservoir of strength for those dry days as well as the willingness to give her best to make her man and family happy. Only a woman, who has mother qualities in her, can make things happen for her man and home. But one who strives solely in sex cannot be trusted to withstand those bad times we all experience sometime in our relationships. Therefore, be careful you don’t throw away gold and settle for dust. Do ask God for His guidance in all these. Good luck.

I love her but I am shy to tell her

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I am so much in love with. But I am afraid of approaching her because she is one of the big babes in our estate. She lives alone in a two bedroom flat and has a good car. She is friendly but I don’t know how she will react to my offer of friendship. She is responsible because for the six months I have become observant of her, I noticed she isn’t the kind that has so many friends, both males and females. Despite what appears to be her good nature, I don’t want to be messed up by her. I am a bachelor with a very good job in a telecommunication company but I am very shy. I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago and since then, I have stayed off women until I started to notice her. Despite not being close to her but from observations, she comes close to my kind of woman. Could you please offer me any helpful hints on how to go about it? Shall be very grateful if you can help me. Lekan. Dear Lekan, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Every step in life is laced with risk, failure and success. And there is no getting to the success part without surmounting the risks involved. It isn’t as if you are planning to flea on her; you also have a good job. So why should she mess you up? It would have been a different ball game if you didn’t have a job. The worst that can happen is to turn down your request. Beyond turning down your request, there is nothing else she can do. As a man, you should be used to women turning you down. It is in the nature of women, especially the young ones to first make a man work hard for their hearts. If she turns you down the first day, don’t give up. Besides, you aren’t going to tell her that you are in love with her on your first day. To do that is to seal the fate of whatever relationship you hope to establish with her. Not every woman loves to be told by a man she is meeting for the first time that he is in love with her. Such men sound hollow and dishonest. No matter how shy you are, complimenting a woman on her looks shouldn’t be too difficult. The tricky part of it for shy men is when they try to over impress a woman. A simple smile to her is enough to establish recognition and begin a kind of friendship. Since you appear to know so much about her, the next time you see her driving out or going out of her compound, position yourself in such a way she will notice your friendly face and even a little wave. She may look through you the first time, pretending not to notice what you are getting at but by the time she sees you the next time, she will reciprocate your smile. Once you gain her attention, stick to general topics for the first few meetings; this will not only make her more relaxed with you but also curious about you. The more she unpeels the layers of mystery surrounding you, chances are she will come to love you the way you have come to appreciate her, as long as you are able to relate as friends, all the other things will fall into place. Good luck.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

He raped me and now he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I was raped by one of our neighbour’s brothers. It was the first time for me. I felt very bad but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want the matter to go beyond the two of us. On that day, I had gone into the bathroom in the afternoon when the whole compound was empty to take my bath. I didn’t know he was at home. The next thing I knew was someone forcing his way into the bathroom when I had soap on my face. He overpowered me and had his way with me. Although he later apologized but the harm had been done. My virginity was gone. As a result of the incident, the man I was going to marry left me to marry another woman. It was painful but I surrendered everything to God. My parents were very disappointed; there was nothing they didn’t say; my ex branded me a woman of easy virtue. Although the boy relocated the day after the incident, I left a week after to stay with a friend of mine. From there I picked up the pieces of my life again. I was lucky to get a very good job but my heart refused to heal. Another man I dated also disappointed me and at the point I was contemplating staying off men, the man who raped him came knocking on my door. From the look of him, he was doing very well. I thought he missed his way and was about closing the door against him when he said he came to apologise for what he did to me on that day. Don’t minding if we had an audience, he went on his knees to beg me right in front of my door. I had no choice but to allow him come in. he said he hadn’t had peace of mind since the incident. Despite telling him that I have forgiven him, he and his family members want us to get married. he said it is the only way I can show my forgiveness for him. He has been disturbing me since January this year, begging and asking me to marry him. Between you and I; I have fallen in love with him but just don’t know how to forgive him for what he did to me three years ago. Please help me understand what I should do and how to go about this situation. Docas. Dear Docas, If you are in love with him, you just have to find it in your heart to forgive this man in order to move away from the pains of the past. Doubtless, he wronged you in the worst way any man can hurt a woman. But what would you have done if he didn’t come back to beg? After all, you didn’t do anything all these years, couldn’t even tell your family what happened to you or the identity of the man who made your fiancĂ© leave you. Therefore to continue to hold on to the memory of what he didn’t to you is to deny yourself the chance to be happy in life. It would have been a different case if you had been able to move ahead of these years. The fact that you haven’t been able to sustain a relationship three years after that incident is indicative of your emotional state at what happened. Having him back will not only help you put things in their proper perspective but free you from the damaging emotions of un-forgiveness. For one to enjoy mercy, one must learn to let go. This is one of the classic situations when God’s way defies understanding; when the reason we fall in love is inexplicable. Ordinarily, you should hate this man, vow never ever to see him again and if possible, hand him over to the Police for violating you; but here you are falling in love with him. It sounds crazy but love has been known to happen in such circumstances. The fact that you didn’t squeal on him, make trouble with whosoever he was staying with or announce his nature to the world means that when you thought you were hurting, hating him, something stronger was happening to you. Your memory had refused to let go of the pleasure in your pains. This is why you couldn’t execute any meaningful relationship since the incident. Chances are even if your boyfriend then had married you, deep inside your subconscious, you would have held memories of this man: granted that you might not be able to define what precisely these feelings meant but overtime There are two things at stake here: it is either you turn your back on your love for him or give in to the desires of your heart. There is no venture without risk. But, the risk of not following the desires of one’s heart often than not, is the most traumatic and one that carries with it a lifetime of regrets. Rather than make things more difficult for both of you, why not sit him down to ask questions? For instance, why did he rape you and why is he so determined to marry you? Yours is a rather peculiar case. Not only did he come back but wants to marry you. Certainly there is a story behind this. Hearing the story will make a lot of things clearer to you which in turn will give you a better understanding into that very sad incident of three years ago. Besides, you have fallen in love with him; meaning you no man will ever be able to make you happy. Surely, this is something you cannot continue to ignore even if you hate the assault on your body. Even if you close the eyes to whatever explanations he has to give on why he did what he did as well as his reasons for wanting you permanently in his life, you cannot deny what you feel. Love is too powerful a chemistry to ignore. You can only resist it temporarily. Eventually you will have to do something about it and the earlier you made up your mind, the better for you. Don’t forget that age doesn’t wait for anybody and the often ignored issue in situations like this, that this man has a choice. There is the danger of another woman snatching him from you should you continue to dilly-dally on this issue. Particularly as there is no undoing that incident of the past. No matter how you desire it, punish him, he cannot return your broken seal. It is a done deal. And since you failed to take any legal steps against him then, you must move on. besides, if your former fiancĂ© actually loved you, he wouldn’t have left you on the basis of you losing your virginity. It showed he was more interested in your body than your well being. A man who has more than passing interest in a woman, doesn’t limit his decision to one mistake. So, in a way, you and that man were never meant to be. You would never have been completely happy with your ex. Though no woman prays to be violated, the reason for certain developments in our lives cannot be explained. Because only God has the knowledge of all our tomorrows, go to Him in prayers. Tell this man to give you time to pray and ask for help. It is obvious that you need more than the assurances of your feelings to move on. Thereafter, give you and him the opportunity to know each other, to discover if you two have what it takes to be a happy couple. Talking to God will make it easier for you to forgive him completely from the heart since He is one who never gets tired of forgiving His children. From experience, your kind of story and situation are what solid relationships and marriages are made of. Having hurt you so deeply ones, he would never want to do anything that will hurt you again. This is because a man can only hurt a woman this deep once in her lifetime. There is nothing this man can do to you that will be as deep as raping you. Trust in love and your heart. Good luck