Should I tell my brother about her rotten past?

Dear Agatha, I am in a dilemma of whether to destroy my brother’s happiness by telling him all the things I know about his wife to be or allow the matter to rest. About two months ago, my elder brother brought home the lady he plans to marry. Unfortunately for the lady, I know too much about her. we attended the same university and lived in the same hostel. She had the reputation of being a commercial sex worker. She didn’t hide the fact that she sold her body in exchange for money. Once the price was right, this girl will sleep with anything in trousers. She was also into campus cultism At a time she was dating the father of my roommate. When my friend threatened to report the affair to her mother, she came into our room with some of her cult members to beat her up and left with a warning that the next time, it may not just be beating but bathing her with acid. From that point, my friend stayed off the case of her father and this lady until the relationship expired on its own. Throughout our stay in the university, she was notorious with a capital N. We also served in the same State. You can therefore imagine my surprise when she turned out to be the woman my elder brother wants to spend the rest of his life with five years after. He is our only son and I love him dearly. He is the most kind hearted man I know. If I expected her to deny knowing me, she didn’t. Right there in the presence of my family, she told them she knew me; that we attended the same school and served in the same State. She also told them we weren’t close in school even though we were in the same hostel. From my facial expression, my mother sensed something was wrong. She asked if I knew her, I answered in the affirmative and garbled about her not being good enough for my brother. She silenced me with one of those looks that meant, “keep quiet and mind your own business”. Mothers being mothers, she called me later to tell her what I know about the lady; without holding anything back, I told her everything. She didn’t respond for about 30 minutes and when she did, I almost fainted. She told me not to say a word to my brother; that looking at both of them, they were really in love and that he would not welcome any interference by me in his affairs. She concluded that I should in the interest of peace in the family pretend to like his choice. I honestly don’t agree with my mother who has always been too fair for my liking. She is one of those women who is passionate about allowing sleeping dogs be. I am so confused about everything. Much as I want to mind my business, the thought of her, with her past record is making me apprehensive about the future of that marriage. I don’t want her near my brother let alone as his wife. How do I separate them? She is bad news. Angelica. Dear Angelica, Do you know that people can change? That between the time, you both parted ways and when she met your brother, she could have changed for the better? That love has the power to change a bad woman to a good and humble woman? That your brother might have a hand in this change? I am sure you are conscious of the instruction of God in His Holy Book that we should refrain from judging others so that we won’t be judged by others. Granted you have every right to want to protect your brother from a woman you know has the kind of reputation that might destroy him but matters of the heart, are not mathematics where one plus one equals two. The chemistry of love is too strong and complex to be understood by the uninitiated. Except you have experienced that unusual impact of love, with all its power and awesomeness, you cannot understand what your brother and this woman feel for each other. Besides, who is clean of a not too pleasant past? Can you in all honesty come clean with some of the things you have done at one time or the other? As long as a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she is as guilty as the commercial sex worker that stands by the road. It doesn’t matter if she has conducted herself well all her life, the fact that she came into her matrimonial home with the blemish of experience, she stands also to be condemned by her husband or any member of his family. This is because any man can claim to have had her before she met her husband. This lady too can turn round to say the same things you are saying about her if she is the hard fighter. It would be her word against your own if you aren’t intact. If your mother who has more experience than you in matters of the heart is asking you to back off despite having the full dossier on her, drop the matter. She sees far ahead of you and knows that the heart of the man once hooked, can forgive his woman every sin she might have committed in the past. And what makes you think she hasn’t told your brother about her past? Her courage to admit knowing you in school and that both of you served together, should sound an alarm bell that this lady is confident and secured in the love of her man. Another woman not so confident would have either denied knowing you, not recalling your face or that you two were the best of pals. That she told the truth about your relationship with her is pregnant with meaning which if you are wise should make you wary of direct inference in this matter. Women with such experiences are always wise to come clean when they eventually find the right kind of man. Their experiences have made them too knowledgeable in the ways of men to keep quiet about the past. What I think you should do if you must, is to invite her out for a date. Tell your brother it is a girls’ thing. Since both of you attended the same school, served together and as she is about to become your sister-in-law, you want to catch up on old times. When alone, ask her pointed questions about her life in the last five years; how she met your brother and the major one you want to know; her current lifestyle. Don’t go antagonizing her. You will only make things difficult between the two of you. Don’t forget that as the wife of your only brother, she holds the key to the peace and well being of your family. This is why you should be careful how you go about this. She could make it impossible for you and your brother to be friends for life. Being the wife of the head of the family, she could insist on doing things that will exclude you from the rest of the family. So be careful because men, whether they admit to it or not, are subject to the authorities of their wives. They get close to only the people their wives approve of. This is not to say you shouldn’t let her know what you think of her but be very mature in your presentation. If she hasn’t told your brother everything about her past, insist she does to protect her home and if she has, wish her all the best of luck. Chances are both of you can be friends if you handle this matter very well. Even though what I am about to say isn’t an excuse for her behavior, the condition of her family may have forced her into the kind of life-style she lived then. Not every girl that gains admission to school has a sponsor. Her determination to succeed at all cost may have made her crossed her mind to the thoughts of people about her. You were not in her shoes so won’t know what she was going through back then. But asking her will help throw light into the thoughts that must have been going through her mind then. In addition, your brother must have seen certain qualities in her that convinced him to propose to her. Respect his own feelings too. Instead of discouraging him, pray for both of them to find happiness and fulfillment in each other. Good luck.

I will never trust a woman again

Dear Agatha, I am 32 years of age. I had a son when I was in the university but didn’t marry the mother of my child because I caught her in bed with my best friend. Everything in me died that day. I lost confidence in myself, friends and the world generally. I loved her with my entire being. I was ready to do anything for her and my best friend, we were like brothers. I felt really betrayed. Unfortunately, I walked into them with another friend who in turn told other friends. Left to me, I wouldn’t have bothered telling anybody about it. Following this development, some of my friends pressured me to contest the paternity of my son but my mother insisted the child was mine. She said, the baby was my replica at that age. The assurance from my mother didn’t make me question the paternity of my child. Eight years down the road, the boy is my mirror age and my source of unconditional joy. I have had several relationships but none lasted beyond the first few months. After that incident, I became ruthless with women. When she came back to beg me, I didn’t turn her away but instead humiliated her by sleeping with her for several months before showing her the exit door. I didn’t stop at that, I made sure the new woman I was dating then and her friends witnessed her disgrace. From that point, it was kiss and drop because I see deceit in every woman. It almost affected my relationship with my mother and siblings but they were very understanding of my state of mind. Emotionally, I have been a mess since that incident. But last year, I was able to take control of myself and decided to fall in love again. Although my present girlfriend appears responsible and is loving but I cannot get the image of my first girlfriend out of my mind. Each time I want to trust my current girlfriend, the image of my ex and my former best friend making love appears to destroy everything. I hear that my former best friend and my ex got married. This piece of information makes me more determined to hurt as many women as possible. Unfortunately, it is affecting my relationship with my current girlfriend who on the surface appears to be a well brought up girl. Just two weeks ago, she informed me that she is pregnant. This is where my real fear comes from. What if the child is a trap or not mine? What if another friend is sleeping with her? Can I ever trust another woman again? Will I ever be rid of pains of that betrayal? Agatha, help me; deep down I see women generally as devils. Paul. Dear Paul, First you have to rid your mind of the notion that women are evil. Both men and women need each other to be fully complete. That one woman betrayed shouldn’t stop you from trusting again. There is no adult that hasn’t a sad love tale to tell. Relationship and disappointment go hand in hand. Life is about pains, disappointments and joy. Sometimes God takes away bad people from our lives to enable Him give us a better person. Rather than bemoan the fact that you caught your ex with your former best friend, why not look at the flip side of the coin; that of appreciating God for making it happen before you committed the mistake of marrying a woman who would have been sleeping with your best friend behind you or one that would have stood you up at the altar. Which one would have been more painful-finding out too late that you married the wrong woman or what you witnessed? If she and your friend eventually got married to each other, it should tell you that both of you weren’t meant to move beyond the point you parted ways. What you owe each other is that child. So why remain bitter against something fate didn’t plan for you? Besides, you cannot afford to hold on to this grudge longer than necessary because you are the one who is suffering from it all. Both of them are married and living their lives; if they weren’t happy with each other, they won’t end up getting married. Irrespective of what they did to you, they are obviously happy with each other. They can’t be bothered with what or how you feel about them: if God hasn’t approved of a thing, who is man to make it happen? Honesty, you should be grateful to God for His mercy rather than wallow in self pity and bitterness at what could have been. What would you have done if the incident happened after you have married her? Going through a bad marriage is one of the worst things that can happen to a man or woman in life especially if all your life, you have looked forward to having a happy home. You have mourned for too long. Not every relationship we enter into ends up in marriage. That you both have a child together isn’t the same as having a good life together. She has made her choice, time for you too to make your choice else the world will think you are the problem. As a matter of fact, your reaction is unwittingly making you a monster to many women who have been unjustly hurt by your refusal to let go of the memories of your hurt. No matter what your justifications are, the women you have hurt will use your example to judge all men who come their way. Like you are doing now, they will label men too as devils and in turn throw away their chances to happiness in a relationship with a better man than you. You have every right to be hurt but making others suffer for your inability to outgrow your pains after eight years isn’t fair. By now, with more age on your side, you should realize love is a chemistry that happens in unexpected places. Sometimes, it is so blind it can happen when you least expect and between two very odd persons. Unless you give yourself another opportunity to love again, experience a different kind of woman, you will never know what true love is all about. With the right kind of woman, you will overtime come to appreciate the essence of love. Life is a risk. Just like you are taking a risk falling in love with her, she is also taking a risk entrusting her heart and life to you. Love is a gamble but it behooves you to trust in your own decisions to make it work. You are feeling the effects of that betrayal and pains because you have refused to let go. It is imperative you bury the memories of that betrayal so as to be free to love this woman in your life. You have to let happiness permeate your current relationship by making out time to find out who your current woman rally is. It is the only way to build trust again. She must have a very special quality for you to have fallen in love with her notwithstanding your current disposition to women. This is what you should devote your time to finding out instead of looking for excuses where none is. Besides, your ex didn’t even foist on another man’s child so why are you afraid this one would? Create time for both of you to really be together to talk. The power of dialogue is great in healing wounds, no matter how old. Without you giving yourself a chance to experience the good side of a woman, how will you find out the angels within women? For every bad person, there are two good ones waiting to be discovered around the corner. Women are not all devils just as men are not too. Situations and circumstances we find ourselves influence our reactions to certain things. You will be surprised to discover that God has sent an angel your way to heal you. Your refusal to let go of yesterday’s memories may have blocked you from appreciating her but deep in your subconscious is that awareness that she is good for you hence the reason you fell in love with her despite your antagonism towards women. Once you give yourself the freedom to trust again, you will definitely be happy one more time. Trust is all you need to obliterate all the nagging questions you have allowed to hunt you about women and relationships. Good luck.

Is this man in love with me?

With Agatha Edo Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him. Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more. My worry is, if he loves me as he claims. It is so confusing for me because he doesn’t show it. How can love exist where there is no communication? If I don’t call, he won’t bother. It appears as if he completely forgets about my existence if I don’t make the call. I have kept calling him because he means so much to me. It hurts so much. My friends who are in the know think I am being stupid and foolishly in love. Do please tell me what to do. Mary. Dear Mary, The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues. He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make. The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability. You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now. However it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication; it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death. But beyond that; this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude and, the message this is communicating to you. By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving these initial problems. You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you coming across as being desperate. You have shown him you care, love him but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls maybe making him wary of taking it further for fear of you dominating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with. Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you. It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are. Good luck.

My sister wants to return the son I gave her

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Twenty-five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life. When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her. I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion, which wasn’t as common then as it is now. The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. Apart from our immediate family, nobody is aware of what happened. My mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband. I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before. My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman. About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family. Two years later, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t, say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused, insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell. I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned my husband on what he would do if he finds out that I have a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life. There is nothing you would ever say thereafter that he will believe. Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him, it is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind. If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother, since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband. Let her take the blame of your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position. While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since. This is the juncture you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again. This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life. No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant in the presence of your husband all those years ago. What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever consider the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child? Marriage isn’t a transient thing, rather it is for a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever. These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past. What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life. The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff-necked if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother. Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago, hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore, forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage. But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While your husband may not bother too much about the identity of the father of your son, your son would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again. He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these. This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him. May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope. Good luck

Men and matters of the heart

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Readers, There is no stretching the fact that every age has its norms and fad it has evolved to etch itself into the history of life. It is also true that certain rituals of a bygone age hold so much lure and nostalgia that are worth keeping. More than any other human tradition, the game of winning the heart of a woman remains the oldest. Right from the nascent days of the creation of the world, when God paired the first human couple, men and women have continued to dance to the assonance of love. No matter how hard a man or woman is perceived to be, there is always a place for love to exist in the heart and life of that person. This is because the process of meeting and falling in love is the peg on which the world stands. Everyday, people fall in and out of love. Some never last beyond the first early days because they suffer wrong values as well as the endurance needed to firm up the foundation. Those that last, do as a result of tremendous sacrifices by the couples. Today being Valentine’s Day, we will quickly go into clinic to discuss the essence of giving a relationship the right perspective. Sometime ago, while clearing out the house of all the odds and bits I have amassed all through the years, some from my teenage and early adulthood, I came across valuable letters sent me by various admirers. Each letter reminded me of the person who sent it because the wordings brought the character of each man to play. While some struggled to write the letters, some displayed dexterity in combining all the right words that would make a woman melt. Going through all the letters, gave me a good laugh so much so I decided to share them with my daughters and my young female friends both married and unmarried. One of my daughters, an English literature student after going through some of the poetic phrases in the letters, decided to take them away as part of her working materials. Granted few were prosaic, the majority of the letters produced deep sentiments and nostalgia of the fun it was in those days to be a girl. Nothing told or gave insight into the character of a man like phraseology of his letters to a woman. From his language, a woman with depth could tell when a man has other things on his mind and when he was serious about her. Because pre-marital sex wasn’t so common then, men took time out to amuse and entertain the women after their hearts with words that meant the world to them back then. Men of those days were not weak, afraid of saying what they felt to that special woman. Dating was a much more serious business than we have now. Seldom does a man in those days on first outing pronounce love to a woman, it was a kind of sacrilege. Men took time out to study the nature of the woman they want to approach before coming clean with their feelings. Any wonder that divorce rates were low and moral values high in those days? How many boys or men bother with what modern men label “time wasting” procedure anymore? These days the physiology of the average man is wired towards quick and preprogrammed results without him having to task his brains or exert his imagination. The result is a monotonous and very predictable mode of wooing women these days. In places of romantic letters or cards, text message have become the order of the day. What more, the text messages lack every imagination of romance, intellect and articulation needed to stimulate a woman’s romantic vigor. The result is a generation of men and women who lack knowledge of what pure romance is. The coldness of the internet, emails, text messages and other modern day electronic devices have turned the heart of romance so cold and impersonal that most young ladies often wonder if true romance as evidenced in romance books really exist. The hollow left in the hearts of women by the inability of the present generation of men to apply themselves fully into the business of chasing women contribute to the mess and confusing signals that now characterize the game of romance. This inability of men to properly articulate their feelings or convey same to women has become such a big challenge to the whole system of dating. As a result, many young girls and ladies have escaped with the notion that men are only interested in sex more than who they are or what they feel. The clinical way present day men conduct their romance has made today’s women more materialist and so aloof too when it comes to what they want from men. The motto for most young ladies now is, survival. The more prosperous a man is, the higher his chances are of getting any woman he wants. In place of love, lust has taken over. These days, when a man declares love, the woman reads it to mean lust because love and lust in the diction of most men have become synonymous so much so the women don’t know which is which. Although men are quick to blame the confusion and monumental disappointment relationships have become on the materialist thirst of women, the truth remains that men are daily presenting women with nothing to build on at all. While the success of a relationship depends on the selflessness of the woman, she has to be provided with the right foundation, sustain her romantic dream. This is because every woman is vain, wants to be appreciated and complimented for who she is. The average woman builds her memory on the early days of her relationship; when the man treated her like his queen as well as the only thing that is important to him. Once the man is able to get those early days right, he makes it easy for the woman to trust in and build her confidence around him. These are the memories she keeps and drags out of the cupboard when the dreams begin to fade. This is why the marriages of yester years survived the rough edges. The women then had something substantial to hold on to; their love letters; which from time to time reminded them of all the dreams and visions they started out with. The wordings of the letters constantly served as reminders of her place in the heart of her man even if the stress and challenges of living together, raising a family and earning a living prevent him from saying it. To make romance and relationship better, today’s men must move away from paying lip service to the dating game. They must as a matter of fact borrow some valuable tips from the men of yester years. the vanity and romantic heart of the average woman is such that she stores up in the inner chambers of her mind any gesture of affection shown her by her heart. Daily, the woman is looking for that something extra special from her man, that thing that communicates his need for her and appreciation of her presence in his life. No matter how tough minded a woman appears to be, she never gets tired of receiving compliments from her husband. To make this Valentine’s Day more meaningful, men should not focus on just the sexual aspect of a relationship rather, they should use today to compliment that special woman in their lives. It is essential they take time out to send a love letter to their wives and girlfriends. The method of writing love letter may appear ancient but the words that come from the heart of the man can heal any wound inflicted by carelessness that comes from daily living. No matter how old in marriage a couple is, love remains ageless and must be given the same consideration and attention as that of a young couple. So celebrate Valentine‘s Day with words that come from the heart. Good luck

I don’t think I love her enough to marry her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I would be lying if I say I am deeply in love with the lady in my life but I like her person. If we end up as man and wife, she will make a good wife. She actually wooed me and has been very supportive ever since she came into my life. I am seven months older than she is but she economically stronger than I am. At 38, she has her own house and two cars. She is also fun to be with, never criticizing me and very respectful despite her success in life We have been dating for close to a year now. Sincerely, I haven’t found any reason not to marry her as my parents are all urging me to propose to her. I know she wants us to get married but given her age and wealth, I am very worried. Her age worries me because my former girlfriend went into menopause at 35. She didn’t even know and we actually thought she was pregnant until several medical tests finally pronounced that she has reached menopause. It was very devastating for both of us because I really loved her. Unfortunately, my mother got wind of the information so I couldn’t conceal it from anybody. I had to leave her. It was about that time I met my current woman. This is why I am scared of her age. I don’t want a situation where she would be unable to provide me with children or begin to boss me when we get married. At 38, how much of her reproductive years remain? I ask because since we have been dating she hasn’t taken in once; isn’t this a sign that she may not be biologically healthy? This is because you can never know with women. She could be pretending to be good for the simple reason of getting me to marry her. I am really becoming confused by the day. What do I do? Debo. Dear Debo, Every relationship has its dynamism. Just as we are different, so are our attitudes to the people we meet along life’s journey different. There can never be two people who are alike. However, we end up having the same kinds of experiences and disappointments as a result of our refusal to learn or take notice of our limitations as a person. Often than not, we are drawn to the same kinds of situations over and over again. This is where our challenges in life get their strength from. Another area we get it wrong in life is our inability to exorcise past experiences from our new relationships. The fact that one woman went into early menopause doesn’t mean your current woman too would have the same experience. At 38, she isn’t so young. at her age, she is liable for her actions. There is no way she can explain an unwanted pregnancy to the world in her present stage in life. She has to be sure you want the same things that she wants. The fact that she is economically stronger could be one reason she is cautious in her dealings with you. She may not want you to marry her as a result of the baby but because you want to. Besides she could be on contraceptives. Rather than come to the hasty conclusions that she may not be able to conceive, why not sit her down to discuss with her? Demand for questions about her past life as well as the number of times she has taken in as well as the last time she took in. To make her understand your anxiety better, explain the experience you had with your ex to her. don’t pretend that you aren’t looking for children in this relationship with her or that it won’t matter to you if she doesn’t take in while you two are still dating. Let her know exactly where she stands with you on the issue of having children. Also explain your worry about her age; this way, you make obvious what your expectations as well as priority are to her in this relationship. The case of your ex is very rare. Normally, a woman begins the decline step into menopause from 48 upwards. Some women last till their early 50s. but because a lot of strange things are happening in our modern world, it would be difficult to say but if you are that scared, why not accompany her to see a doctor to put your mind at rest? There are some tests that will pronounce the viability or otherwise of her womb. In addition, you must learn to let go to get the best out of life. Even though you haven’t said much, trying to compare her with your ex will only lead to more confusions as well as complications. She isn’t the same person as your ex so their reactions and attitude will never be same. To be frank with you, every woman, no matter how nice, has the tendency to misbehave especially at that time of the month when the hormones take charge of her emotions fleecing her of her ability to reason rationally. Even when you are the one picking all the bills, the inherent nature of women will still make her behave in a way to make you, question your abilities as the man. So you have the take the whole picture of who she is to appreciate when she steps out of line. Yes, once in a while she could say or behave in such a way to make you feel inferior but you must appreciate all those times she behaved rationally. Therefore, the question of whether or not she would display poisonous fangs after marriage is a tricky question for me to answer. You are the one who is in a relationship with her hence should be in the best position to answer such question. But it isn’t rocket science; as a matter of fact, it is very simple if you apply yourself to the observation of her character, temperament, understanding of issues as well as her general disposition to you and life. Often than not, a woman who is pretentious cannot do it for long. Like smoke, something will provoke her to act her true nature. You can deliberately do certain things to see her she would respond to you under pressure or security of your final commitment. If the truth be told, you are raking up all these excuses because she wooed you. From the little I have seen of life, women who woo men for love and relationship are about the most sincere. They know even before the commencement of the relationship what they want from a man hence work towards achieving that. if she was confused her destination and desires in life, she won’t come after you; she would rather go for a man who has the income and position to further help her economics in life. Besides she doesn’t have to marry to have children; a rich woman like a rich man can get any man to do her bidding if the price is right. The fact that she humbled herself to woo you should give you certain assurances that she is a very practical person. Rather than look at all the areas of her weaknesses, consider her strength and goodness to you. Nothing in life is easy; one has to work towards perfection at all times. We all come with defects from the manufacturer’s table. Honestly, if there is anybody who should be afraid in this relationship, she should be and not you because she is the one who has more to lose than you. She is the major investor, taking all the risks because as a man, you could meet and fall in love with another woman in later years leaving her high and dry. If she isn’t afraid, why are you? Unless deep down, you are positive nothing good can come out of it. Perhaps you need time off to properly evaluate your emotions first. Whatever, learn to be sincere with yourself at this critical stage. It is important. Good luck.