My wife is grossly lacking in parlour etiquette

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need urgent help. I am a 40-year-old man who has been married for over 10 years. But I have never enjoyed a minute peace in my marriage, as my wife is a tyrant. She beats me at will; dehumanizes me in the presence of our children. I know it sounds strange but it is the truth. My wife is a monster. She denies me sex and only agrees to it when she wants. Until I practically hand over my salary to her, she won’t give me any form of rest in the house. She knows how much I earn because she went to the office to lodge complaints against me; that I don’t give her money at home. Because of her nature, all my friends and family members have deserted me. None of them understands my reason for keeping her as my wife; in all honestly I don’t understand it myself when in the presence of visitors, she would call me names or water like she did when my mother came to help with our last child. The funny thing is that she is very sweet to her own family members and the few friends she has. Like me the children keep away from her for fear of her mood. The reason I am writing you has to do with her recent behaviour when our landlord came to ask for his rents. I was actually asleep when the man came; rather than come into the room to wake me she started raining curses on me and at the same time the landlord. By the time I came out of the room with my rent, my landlord was very angry. He refused to collect the money from me; insisting I must vacate his premises that he can no longer endure the attitude and rudeness of my wife. This will be the sixth place we have lived since we got married. I am really fed up with the whole thing called marriage. Everyday, she pushes me to the edge of my endurance. I grew up with very peace loving parents; never once did I witness my parents quarreling. Knowing that no two human beings can be together without having their moments of disagreement, they kept their disagreement inside their bedroom. It is so bad that my eldest daughter talks to me without respect or fear just like her mother. I am fed up; please help me, Agatha. I am a senior officer in my place of work with people working under me. They all respect me. Helpless Man, Dear Helpless Man, Going through the content of your mail got me very confused and my first reaction was to ignore your letter and invite you instead for a private discussion. But since you refused to come to our office because of what you tagged shame, I have decided through the help of God to reply you. Marriage is a partnership, not a prison. Its wheel must constantly be greased with respect for it to function well. It is also governed by its sets of principles and rules; once there is dislodgement in any of these rules, the foundation of the marriage becomes threatened and if nothing is done immediately to rectify it, it risks complete collapse. In a situation where there is total breakdown of law and order between the two of you, for the sake of the children, you especially, have to reconsider the condition of your being together as man and wife. The reason couples patch things up in a bad marriage is because of the children, but there are certain instances when the children have to be protected from the negative influences of their parents’ examples. The longer your children are exposed to this situation between you and your wife, the greater danger of your children modeling their marriages after yours because it is the only example they have. To prevent their future partners being subjected to you and your wife kind of examples, it is appropriate you sit to think of a way out of this mess your marriage has become. You and your wife made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together so in that aspect, you can decide to endure whatever kind of discomfort, insults and disrespect from your wife because you made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together but the children had no choice in the matter of the family they are born into. You invited the children into your lives hence you must take responsibilities for how they turn out in future. Your situation is an example of how the negative behaviour of parents impact negatively on the children. Your wife’s unruly and cantankerous behaviour didn’t start today or were born with her. She must have learnt to beat you from the example of someone close to her. Your daughter is fast copying the same attributes from her. If nothing is turn to help her see the good side of marriage, point her at how a normal relationship between a man and woman should be, she will end up being another man’s nightmare. That your parents didn’t quarrel in the open doesn’t mean they never did. Their example shows good management and effective leadership on the part of your father. If your father didn’t command the respect of your mother, she won’t be support him to succeed as the head of the family. The lesson here is that your father was man enough to have provided your mother the kind leadership that kept her in her place as the woman. It is either you make up your mind to be a man in your home or end the marriage and spare your children the horror of seeing their father being beaten by their mother at any little excuse. There is a huge difference between being quiet and being timid. No matter what your excuse is, you are weak as a man; which is why your wife has escaped for too long with her behavior. Had you from the very first time she raised her hand against you to put her in her place, she wouldn’t have dared it a second time let alone allow it to become the norm in her relationship with you. If your decision is to stay with her, you have to help yourself stop this abuse of your person and ego. One way to do it is to find the guts to be a man in your home. The fact that you have people working under you, are in a position of authority at your place of work shows that your problem with leadership is at the home front. So why is it so difficult for you to exercise your leadership potentials in your home? this is the time to tell yourself some plain truth. What kind of courtship did you two have and what kinds of indulgences did you allow in the name of love during that time? What kind of woman was she, way back then? Did you have any inkling that she would become a man beater along the road? What kind of marriage do her parents have or had? What kind of woman is your mother-in-law and man, your father-in-law is or was? Difficult situations require tough solutions. It is either your love for your wife reduced you into a weakling for a husband or there is a power you are not aware of at work in your life. Whatever the case maybe, you just have to resist it and fight back for your respect as a man in your home and dependable father to your children. First is the awareness that something is wrong with your marriage and life which is good; it give emphasis to your silent rejection of the current status quo in your home as well as a determination to change things. The first signal is to call your wife and express your displeasure at her attitude to you in private and public places. Let her know you are no longer ready to put up with her attitude and that if she persists; you have the option of ending the marriage and going away with your children. The fact that you can make the declaration will put some measure of fear into her. The next time she puts up her hand to hit you, grab her hand and pretend as if you are going hit her back. Although the temptation of giving her back the same measure you got from her, don’t give it because once you start hitting her, the memory of how she has treated you all these years will keep urging you to carry on. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in replacing one kind of violence with another kind, leaving your children still without a good example to emulate in their own lives and homes in the future. Studies have shown that bullies are scared of challenge. She may want to fight back but let your eyes and the set of your face tell her how serious you are. Do it in the presence of your children for the simple reason that they witnessed your humiliation by their mother and have developed an attitude towards you. Seeing you talk and treat their mother like that will automatically beat them into line. You are helpless because you allow yourself to be. Children are the best politicians on earth. They are good at shifting to where the power base is. Think of positive ways of putting your wife in her place without raising your voice or hand against her. Even if spiritual, once you have the awareness and determination to break it; whatever was used in putting you into bondage becomes neutralized. All you have to do is to back it up with prayers at all times. As for your landlord, go and beg him personally but if he insists you vacate his property, plead for time but ensure your wife never puts you in a position to beg your next landlord. Good luck.

Yet my AS son wants his AS girl for keep…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow. I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion. My son brought home a lady whom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in. I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous. My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have S- free children. I am deeply affected because I know whatit means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing. No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do. Concerned Mother. Dear Concerned Mother, Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady. Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law-to be to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether. From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding. Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place. They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them. They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds. The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way. Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going. By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry. As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.

My husband refuses to give me money

Dear Agatha, My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money and he is always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money. The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work and that since I don’t spend my money on the children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family. Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000.00 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment. I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000.00 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so. A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more money treating his mother. When I pointed his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will do it because he is her only child. I can go citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law. The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house. I feel I am more entitled than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me. Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members. Chy. Dear Chy, Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than in his person. And by the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything; his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death. Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise this, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage. If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you, through their stories, every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands. Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home. Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons? Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would. Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes. It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities. Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage. Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you. You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do? Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring. Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret and complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real. Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong. If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues. There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes. Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man. Good luck.