Dear Agatha,
There is this man in his 6os, a widower, who recently indicated his interest in marrying me after years of loneliness. From my previous marriage I have two children, while he has five from his late wife. All his five children are married, but mine aren’t. My first is serving the country in the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), while my second is still an undergraduate.
When we met late last year, we exchanged information about ourselves. I told him everything about my past, I didn’t leave anything out, because at almost 50, life for me has come full circle. There was no need anymore to pretend or make excuses for my life. To me, I have gotten to the age of wisdom as well as openness about who I am and what I want from life.
Perhaps I was wrong, because I discovered as the days went by that he was a man whose heart is enclosed in secrets and slipperiness.
He would say one thing in the morning and do another in the night. From my closeness to God, I was told so many things about him. So, I wasn’t really surprised by the attitude he was exhibiting. In spite of everything he was doing to deliberately discourage me, I had made up my mind about him. My experiences in life have taught me never to expect perfection, but to accept whatever God has decided to bless one with.
Agatha, you more than a lot of other people, should know that when one is really close to God, He reveals a lot of things to His own.
My major challenge now is how to manage his pranks as well as his tendencies to stray. He has an undying penchant for women, but careful enough to ensure I don’t get to meet any of them. In fairness to him, he loves me, but hasn’t really made up his mind on what to do about his feelings for me.
Recently, I made up my mind to leave him only for him to come back begging, insisting he can’t do without me. Yet, he doesn’t seem to notice if I don’t call or send him a text.
He only remembers I exist when I make the effort to get in touch with him. This is making me very confused. At this age in my life, this is one kind of stress I can do without.
Unlike some of my friends I know whose men are there for them, he isn’t there at all. He is the kind of man I cannot run to when I am in crisis, because he is just not available at all.
I am at a crossroad, because of all the men that have indicated interest in marrying me, he is the one with the largest space in my heart, I am also happy with him most. Whenever I question him on his attitude, he keeps telling me he doesn’t want to pretend to me. And that he rather wants to project himself the way he is, so I know what I am going into.
I am so confused. When I discussed him with my children, they didn’t offer any opinion beyond doing what makes me happy. That if I decide to marry him or any other man for that matter, what is important to them is that I am happy at the end of it all.
Agatha, you remain my number one counsellor. In my shoes what would you do? How would you proceed in this relationship? Do you think I need this kind of stress at this age?
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
Follow the dictates of your heart. When we get past 40, life teaches us to be very realistic about issues. At close to 50, you have seen life in its different shades, shapes, hues, intrigues, ethnicity, creed, diplomacy, politics, and friendship. You have seen the secrets of life, you know how much you can endure, and those things you cannot put up with. By now, you must have since buried the idealism of your youthful years, replacing it with the harshness of the real world.
At your age, the decision to do is something very personal, a decision not even your children has the power to influence because you are the only one who knows what you feel, the loneliness as well as the desires.
These are choices, which are real and have no substitute. It is the time of perseverance because by now you have stopped seeing things through rose-coloured lenses. You now know that no one was created to be perfect. He lies and cheats; so what? At over 60, he is beyond the age of redemption, age of trying to make him understand what life is all about. He has seen life, befriend it so much he can tell with some degree of accuracy what it has in store for him because he the future has lost the mystery many young people fear.
He has seen his future, living in it already and making a countdown to his exit. Sincerely speaking, he doesn’t have apology to offer you. To him, it is enough he loves you sufficiently to want to take the plunge into matrimony with you all over again.
If there is one thing you should be thankful for, he hasn’t presented you with a false picture of himself. A lot of men questing for the heart of a woman would pretend to be angels to deceive her into accepting their offer. At least you know what you are going into and how to make the necessary adjustment to accommodate his excesses. He is also giving you the opportunity to pray him into the kind of man you want.
Perish the thoughts you can change him overnight through physical insistence. He is far too gone in his habit for such a change to be possible. With such a man, hand him over to God in whose hands lie the power to change him is.
Question one, can you cope with his person? If you must go into this marriage, try to identify something special and unique about him, that thing that will always make you happy about this relationship. Knowing would help you grow the needed understanding to manage life with him.
The real question is whether you have the capacity to overlook his flaws, ignore his other side sufficiently to stay happy with him?
If you must marry him, you must have something, a sort of retreat to escape to, on those occasions the weak and jealous side of you comes to the fore. No matter how strong, there are days, you will weep, regret your actions and blame the tenderness of your heart for your situation. Those are the days you need a place of escape to remind you of who you are essentially and the reason you made the choice. This means whatever you do, don’t give up everything that has made you happy all these while. At this age, it is more a marriage of convenience and not a do or die thing.
In weighing your options, be mindful of your health. How healthy are you emotionally to go through the challenges of marriage again especially to a man who has these traits?
Make up your mind from the very beginning that it is companionship you are looking for to drive away the loneliness of this age. Whether you like it or not, very soon the children will leave the nest permanently, leaving you all alone. Without a man by your side, the days can be long and lonely, the reason why a lot of women and men from this age who are single either by divorce or death of their former partners crave company. You won’t be the first or the last woman to want to remarry. Hence, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Critically consider all your options and come to one, which you know will work for you, bearing in mind that no man or woman is perfect. Also, what one knows already cannot kill one. If you think you are matured enough emotionally for the dynamism this man is, go and ahead while you go on your knees to commit him, your relationship, and his ways to the hands of God who in the first place brought both of you together.
Good luck.
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