Monday, October 5, 2009

Hard For Her To Reciprocate My Deep Love…


Dear Agatha,


I am a big fan of your ‘Share A Problem’ column. I admire your counsels. What you have is a gift, which the Almighty God has blessed you with. All gifts of God come with a higher calling, to use it to serve him so that His name will be glorified.


This woman, a medical doctor, recently discarded me. I loved her very much and wanted so badly for it to work, but all my efforts were in vain as she only hated my guts the more, shouted at me at every opportunity, hurled all manner of insults and abuses at me. We had this massive fight that led to our separation when I was fasting and waiting on the lord.


The most painful thing is that I invested my whole essence into the relationship. I am still asking God to heal me of the pains of this loss.


Only God knows best why we have to carry some heavy, some that completely overwhelm us.


My question is, why do couples that seem madly and deeply in love with each other always end up fighting, and why such relationships never working out?


Kene.



Dear Kene,

In most cases, such couples forget that love alone cannot sustain a relationship. Being so much in love, they forget to build character into their relationship and when the storm comes like it would, they find themselves bereft of any idea of how to resolve the crisis brought about by the circumstances of two different persons trying to live in each other’s world.

Love is a chemical substance whose duty is to identify the particular person it blends with the most. This is why we get attracted to particular persons and not another person.

The next stage of falling in love is to help identify the real things about the character of the person it has chosen to love, those things that make up the entire composition of the person. Details like character, attitude, temperament as well as depth of comprehension of everything it takes to make another person happy.

This is the cloth of reality that gives idealism in love its final fitting. Unfortunately, a lot of time, couples peg their relationship on just the chemical aspect of it; living in a world of fantasy, a world where every colour is rose tinted and smelling wonderfully well.

Being a world of fantasy, everything glows with unnatural colours giving the impression that all is well between the couple. This is often caused by the individualism most couples bring into relationship especially the women who think the success or otherwise of a relationship begins and ends with the physical appearance of the man or the size of his pocket. Rather than settle issues logically and intelligently, for most couples sex proffers the solution to crisis. And at the end of it all, to their disappointment discovers that sex, though very useful a tool, cannot perform the magic of decreeing originality and value into an association that from the very beginning lacked the guts to fuse reality with idealism.

It is in this inability of couples to grow their relationship along the line of reality that causes major problems. Most of the time, couples forget that unless a relationship is first blended and distilled, it can never work. It would end up being a major disaster.

You and your woman failed because you obviously didn’t have the patience to grow friendship into your relationship. Friendship is the foundation for a viable relationship, helps it to accommodate the storm of strangeness, adjustments as well as solid shock absorbers for any eventuality.

Had you and your ex been able to integrate friendship into your relationship from the beginning, a lot of the ugliness and bad temperaments that destroyed your relationship would have been better managed.

To help you regain the confidence love brings into one’s life, when next you find the right woman, take each day as it comes by offering her friendship, a chance to see into each other’s hearts, persons and thinking. It arms you with a confirmed knowledge of the other person as well as telling you things to avoid in some tricky situations that could be inimical to the success of the relationship.

The beauty about friendship is that it helps a couple deals with the deficiencies in all human species as well as reminds them of our own weaknesses.

Good luck.