Monday, June 3, 2013

My wife’s become too skinny for my liking

Dear Agatha, I am longer comfortable with my wife and it is affecting our marriage. My wife used to be on the plump side. It was one of the things I fell in love with her. She typified the traditional African woman, who has the curves in the right places. She didn’t add too much after our two children. At any rate, I wouldn’t have noticed because I was really crazy about her shape. I also didn’t hide this from her. When some of her friends were harping on slim being the in-thing now, I warned her not to follow the trend; assured her she wasn’t fat, but just right for an ideal woman. Unfortunately, she seems not to believe me because sometime last year she enrolled in a gym. She told me it was to maintain her figure. I grudgingly allowed her to continue but warned her against being slim. Now I can hardly recognise the woman I married as she is all bones. When I protested, she said it was the in-thing among her friends; that she doesn’t want to lose her husband. I reminded her that she doesn’t have problems with me on that score; that I want her the way she was. The issue now is I don’t want her anymore. I want her out of my life because she is beginning to repulse me. I no longer derive pleasure in her company. Much as I love her, I am no longer happy with her and very hurt by the fact that she preferred what her friends’ husbands think than what I feel about her. I don’t know what to do because we had a very happy marriage. She knows I have never liked skinny women. She has started to complain about my lack of interest in her, but there is no way I can ever be as close to her again in her present shape. I am really trying hard not to loathe her because once I get to that point, there will nothing more for me in the marriage. Please help me. I don’t know how to handle this challenge in my marriage of 12 years. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Since she is refusing to listen to you, she will listen to the friends she is copying. Report her to her friends, especially the ones you know are very responsible and would tell her the truth and tell them exactly what you have told me. Let them understand exactly how you feel about their friend’s disregard of your feelings as well as your intentions to end the marriage. Even if you don’t have that intention, letting it drop that you are actually contemplating ending it on account of her disobedience and the fact that you are no longer happy with her decision to alter her shape from what you like is enough danger signal to her. This information that you are thinking of ending the marriage will, no doubt, make her think twice about what is important to her. No woman would want to throw away 12 years of a happy marriage for the vanity of her looks. Doubtless, these friends would gather to talk sense into her head. When the chips are down, there is no contesting the fact; she knows the side her bread is most buttered. To force her hands the more, you could, for a week or so, play truancy from home. You could stay with a close friend or stay longer than necessary to give the impression that you are with someone else. Ensure at a particular time, you switch off your phone or allow it to ring endlessly. When you get home, tell her not to bother with food. No woman can withstand being ignored by her husband, who is coming late, refusing to answer his calls and not eating her food. Nothing will communicate your displeasure with her than this. She will be looking for ways of getting you to look her way, change your mind towards her. Once she gets to this point, open up and let her know how pained you are that she considers the opinion of her friends’ husbands more than yours. Every marriage has its low and high point. However, this development shows that your marriage isn’t as sound as it appears to be. Use this opportunity to listen to her also. Ask her what her problems are with the marriage. A good marriage is about harmonising your views and interests. For your happiness to be complete, you must also make out time to hear her out. Don’t forget she is the one with the body. You may like it and she doesn’t. It is a matter of meeting each other at a reasonable point. By deploying love, prayers, understanding and tolerance, you will achieve so much in this marriage. Good luck!