Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My Brother Must Divorce Wife To Be Happy


Dear Agatha,


I don’t know what to make of my brother’s wife. She is always bossing everybody in the family around. She talks rudely to people because she is doing better than my brother. It is so bad; especially that she does it even in the public. She decides where they stay, the type of food he eats, often ignoring what he likes. Sometimes she doesn’t bother to come home, pleading tight official schedule.

Whenever her husband complains about how her work is affecting the family’s welfare, she tells him to choose between her being a full housewife or allowing her to continue to play her role as the major breadwinner in the family.

I have severally caught my brother lamenting his status and once actually crying. The children are also complaining but she bribes them with gifts and all that.

I have tried to caution her as well as point her at the emotional danger she is exposing her family to, but she won’t listen. She likes exhibition so much.

The issue now is that my brother has decided to seek a woman who would make him feel like a man. I mean a woman, who would respect his authority and appreciate him. As a matter of fact he has found the girl, and for the first time he is happy. He wants to marry her. What do you think? I am of the opinion he should divorce the other woman, not because I support divorce but essentially to preserve my brother’s life, whom I feel has a right to be happy despite being poor as his wife has branded him. What do you think?

Tolu.


Dear Tolu,

Sincerely, don’t interfere. Your brother is man enough to take his decisions without your help. Nobody married his wife for him. He found her worthy of his love and attention hence decided to have her for keeps.

Whatever is happening in that home isn’t any business of yours. And you should by all means avoid being fingered as the reason the marriage failed. Your brother may have decided to look outside his home to protect his pride before you and other members of your family.

For now, it might be best if you allow both of them to sort their problems out. If he had tolerated her all these while despite her rudeness and other vices you illustrated, he should still continue to. With loving persuasions she would one day come to be the type of woman he desired.

To bring another woman into his life is to complicate the whole issue. He would never get the peace he desires in her or in the relationship and his life. The health problem you desire to protect him from would come in full force. What guarantees do you have that she would not be like his wife or even worse? What happens if she turns out to be another brash woman? Encourage him into another relationship?

If you love this brother of yours as you claim, tell him to discontinue that relationship and mend fences with his wife and family. Disagreements and disappointments are all part of the process of bonding a marriage.

You are still single and don’t know the type of marriage you would one day have. How would you feel if your sister-in-law turns around to be giving support to your husband to marry another wife on account of problem in your own marriage? Every marriage comes with its own peculiar cross. The cross of this marriage is for your brother to learn to manage the brashness of his wife.

The best you can do to for both of them is to commit their marriage to the care of God. Intercede for them through prayers and fasting. That, to me, is the best demonstration of love instead of aiding your brother to his early grave.

Continue to plead with your sister-in-law to change her ways. Overtime, she would come to appreciate your role and words of wisdom.

Having made up your mind to help build the marriage, ignore her rudeness and continue in your selfless task to help make this couple grow together.

Good luck.

He’s An Unrepentant Cheat


Dear Agatha,


I am a 23-year-old final year student in a relationship that has been on for three years now.

Last year, I found out that he has been cheating on me. I was devastated but agreed to continue with him after he promised never to do it again.

I later discovered he was an unrepentant cheat. I really made up my mind to leave him but changed when it looked as if he was really sorry.

You can therefore imagine my pains when for the third time, I discovered through a text message he sent to another girl expressing his desire to spend the night in her arms. The response of the girl shows that she thinks he is in love with her.

All these affected my love for him, but I am equally confused on how she can handle the situation.

Please help me.

Chidera.


Dear Chidera,

It is obvious your boyfriend doesn’t understand what it means to be faithful to a woman. He belongs to the group of men who think life is about variety.

Sincerely, there is nothing you can do to change him unless he is ready for it. You either learn to accept him for who he is, or move on to a man who understands what sincerity means in a relationship.

In his own way he loves you but cannot help experimenting with other girls. To him, he is having fun, enjoying the freedom that comes with his gender and age. Until a man or woman resolves to settle down, the desire of his or her partner to ensure stability in a relationship, more often than not, destroys whatever chance they have to be happy together.

If you insist on him changing his ways now, he would continue to hurt you because despite the promises he makes to you to change, his heart isn’t set on completely settling down just yet. Mind you, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but a deep desire to explore the field while he still has the chance. The naked reality is that he may never have the sufficient will to remain faithful to any woman irrespective of what he feels for the special woman in his life.

Three years may be a long time but when you consider that a lifetime is involved should you continue this relationship, there is the need for you to sit down on your own to do an appraisal of your three years together.

To do a near thorough job, resist the urge to be too sentimental on account of his unfaithfulness. Doubtless, you are hurting now but learn to be very broadminded about this. For instance, should you leave him for another man, what are the guarantees that he would be faithful to you?

While not insisting you should put up with unfaithfulness, the truth of the matter is that every relationship has to define its happiness based on its strengths and limitations.

What is the strength of your relationship with him? Why has it lasted for three years? What do you find extra special about him that would make his faults appear irrelevant?

It is only when you take a broad overview of your relationship, vis-à-vis your dreams, visions and happiness that a decision would be easier for you to make.

Whatever you decide to do now must be one that will stand the test of time; one you will not regret making some few months down the road, one you will always be glad you had the guts to take.

You must find out what works for you especially to clear the cloud of confusion currently enveloping you. For instance, you must be able to answer the all important question of your place in his heart, now and in future. Once you have a clear answer to that, his adventures with these other girls may not be so painful or bothersome to you and the relationship at the end.

Believe me, this type of case has no clear-cut answer beyond what works for you.

Good luck.