Our driver harasses me sexually…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Since I have been in Junior Secondary School, our driver has been sleeping with me. He can and get away with it, because not only do I enjoy it but also my parents aren’t always around to supervise what I do with my life or time. Being an only child, I am practically at home with the housekeeper and the driver. The housekeeper who doubles as my nanny isn’t also always around as she has her life to live, so I am most of the time with the driver. Because he has been with us for a long time, my parents trust him. Severally, I have aborted pregnancies for him. Now I have finished my secondary education and waiting to enter into the university. I am ready for other relationships, but this man has refused to let me be, going to the extent of reporting me to my parents anytime he sees me with other boys my age. He has threatened that he will only let go of me when he is tired of the relationship. My friends all notice how he behaves towards me prompting my best friend to ask if there was anything going on between us. Although I deny having anything to do with the man, but his action is giving me a lot of concern. Recently, he slapped the elder brother to my friend who came to ask me out. It was very annoying, but the truth is that I cannot say anything to either my nanny or parents because of my relationship with him. I feel caged by his overbearing attitude and don’t know how to handle it. These days he practically rapes me. Whenever I refuse his advances, he either forces himself on me or threatens to tell my parents about us. The worst thing is that I cannot tell anybody what is happening to me. I feel like sexually enslaved by him. The worst thing is that he is married, but he hardly goes home, practically stays in our boy’s quarters. The story he told my parents is that he lives far off. And whenever he is taking me to school or out, he goes to his house at Shomolu. I don’t know what kinds of excuses he gives his wife, but she always comes out to greet me and ask after my health. I am beginning to have this suspicion that he may be lying to her that I am ill or something. He is capable of anything as long as he has access to my body. Most of my pocket money, he takes from me. At times he makes me demand for money I don’t need from my parents. Early this year, I attempted suicide. Fortunately for my mother, she found me before the drugs I took had any effect. She thought I was pregnant but when the results came out negative, she thought it was to get her attention. She and my father made up their minds to increase my allowances to appease my demand that I be sent abroad. Being their only child, my mother in particular doesn’t want me schooling abroad. I don’t know if this man is using juju or something but he is about the only man my parents trust me with. I am fed up and want the freedom to be my own person as well as stop what I am doing with him. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Do you think I should tell my nanny? Please help me, Agatha. Irene. Dear Irene, If you want to stop, you can. This man cannot continue to keep you a prisoner of his desires once you make up your mind to end the ill conceived relationship. This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you won’t be able to walk up to your parents to report him. The moment he realises that you really can damn the consequences to informing your parents all that have been happening behind them all these years, he will stop harassing you to submit to him. He is using the technique bullies and blackmailers use in preventing their victims from getting freedom from their clutches. No matter the kinds of mistake you have made, he lacks the right to force you to continue to dance to his tune. Let him realise that you may have enjoyed his company way back but you no longer want him. And that, if he insists you and him will continue to be an item, you will have no choice but to tell your parents what has been happening behind them. Even though you didn’t give details on how you both started this affair, it won’t hurt if you come up with a little blackmail of your own; warn him that you are quite capable of telling your parents that he has been raping you against your will. Besides, by now you should be able to fight him to a standstill unless of course you are also enjoying his attention. One thing is to desire freedom from him, another thing is for you to be serious about your desires. There is no way this man can continue to force you to sleep with him if you are not in some ways complacent. He is getting away with it because you have allowed it to become a way of life for you. Granted, what you are doing with him goes against the norm but there is nothing you do that can erase that past. Therefore, it is for you to gather the pieces of your life and move on. If at this stage in your life, you have become one man’s emotional dustbin, what will happen to you when you are old and unable to attract the attention of men? Honestly, there is nothing to lose anymore at this point for you. That examination you have when you contemplated suicide must have revealed to your mother that you are already sexually active. So it won’t come as a total surprise to her if you open up to her. Telling your nanny won’t solve the problem or make him stop. This is as a result of your nanny’s conduct while your parents are out of the house. Chances are that your nanny too is either being blackmailed by this man to pretend she knows nothing or that she is part of the plans to continue to milk your parents through you. If the driver has been having sex with you for as long as you say, she cannot pretend she isn’t aware. If your friends who don’t stay with you are suspicious of the kind of relationship that exist between you and your driver, how much more your nanny who should know your every mood and movement? As an adult who is always around the house, she would know but is pretending for whatever selfish reasons she may have. Knowing her job would be on the line if you tell your parents about all that have been going on behind them; she certainly will discourage you informing them about the sexual abuse the driver is subjecting you to. No matter how busy or bad the situation is your mother is the right person to tell. Besides, it will help her realise the gravity of the mistake she is making with you. It will teach your mother to focus on what is more important to her in life. While she has the right to pursue her career, leaving you at the mercy of the driver is all wrong. Make it a mother-daughter talk, at least for now. First give her the opportunity of telling your father or dealing with the situation on her own. Frankly, the fault isn’t the driver’s at all. Your mother’s choice is responsible for the mess you are in now. Had your mother devoted some time to your person, interest and well-being, there is no way the driver would have had all the freedom in the world to so entrench himself in your life. Slapping your friend’s brother as well as his open antagonism of any male admirer underscores his contempt and assumed freedom over you. Only the authority of your parents can stop him. Perhaps hearing what has been happening could persuade your mother to send you abroad for the time being. It will help you a great deal in overcoming your challenge as well free you from being the sex slave of this man. Telling your parents would also help protect your life because this man is capable of doing anything, including killing you if he perceives you slipping off his grip. Such people are capable of anything. A man who can abandon his family, lie about where he stays, to make your parents give him the boy’s quarters, he can kill you and disappear into the thin air. Your threats to tell your parents will only work for a while. He would device another means if you don’t make good your threats immediately. You have to expose this man for who he is, and immediately too. The fact that you are your parents’ only child makes you an easy target for both this man and your nanny to exploit or harm. What he is doing to you now is part of a longterm plan to destroy your life. Be wise and help your parents realise that thing that is more important than money to them. Your freedom from this situation lies in your ability to fight for your rights and self-respect. Good luck.

My love feelings for guys dead

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My problem probably isn’t as dire as some of the others published on your page, but it is serious in a way. I’m a sexually confused girl. Still a virgin and 20 years old, I can’t see my future with a girl, but of late I haven’t been attracted to guys at all, though I used to. But I notice girls all the time. Friends tell me I’ve turned into something of a man-hater, except for the few guys I can hang out with and be comfortable around. Lately, there was this guy in a college I’d been very friendly with. Of late, I have been going through difficult times with most of my friends. Somehow this guy started showing feelings for me. Initially, I didn’t notice but did one day when we went out. He began to act inappropriately towards me but I managed to convey part of my lack of interest. I started ignoring the guy and avoiding him at the same time even though he was harassing me with calls. He eventually got the message. But of late, he’s throwing me those annoying glances in class; it’s all he can do, since I don’t talk to him or even look his way. I feel like throwing bricks at him because his attitude is annoying me. And there’s this other guy, who I really like, it started out with me noticing him and then dwindled into admiring everything he does. In my head I go, he is so sweet anytime he does something for me. But I know it will also pass. Anyway my main question is this: What do I do about the man who used to be a friend, but turned into a pervert when he tried to manhandle me? I have no intention of entering a relationship and maybe for that reason I feel horny, for lack of a better word most of the time. I always end up reading Harlequins! So how do I stop? Is there anything I can do to douse it? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What you feel is perfectly normal at your age because you are between the age of curiosity and reality. Your body is demanding for things that are normal, but which common sense demands that you don’t do for now. This is because you are at a precarious stage of your life when any mistake can destroy everything for you. For some young men and women, it is also normal to go through this period of confusion in your sexual preferences. There is nothing to be ashamed of in feeling horny. Like I said, it is normal as long as you don’t give freedom to it to control you. It is a feeling you can defeat easily as long as you are determined to. Don’t forget at 20, you are just emerging from the period of heavy parental control to semi-independence. You are floating between your childhood years and becoming an adult. Internally your senses are going through emotional revolution; your childhood years are resisting your maturity hormones which in their bid to prepare you for your biological functions are releasing emotionally deadly chemicals into your system. Sex for you at your age becomes almost like a hunger for a particular kind of fashion. Whether you like it or not, thoughts of having sex will come. But this is where your duty as a responsible young adult comes to heavy play. Your must learn the art of resisting whatever it is that is going on inside you. It is the only way to develop a clear perception about the kind of things you want to achieve in life and importantly, the kind of partner that will help you in achieving those dreams with the minimal stress. If you don’t have a dream of whom you are, what to be, you risk the danger of allowing any kind of man into your space. The end result is a cocktail of men in your life who lack what it takes to drive you into your success lane in life. For this reason, learn to be firm and properly focused. None of the young men in your life can make it right for you unless you first of all get it right for yourself. A man you don’t want in your life, make it clear to him through your attitude. The one you like, learn to be friendly but be careful you don’t give him wrong ideas about what you really have in mind. At your age, your friends should cut across both genders. The best way to navigate thorny paths in life is to be friendly. Friendship offers you a unique opportunity to study the character and nature of the man. To really help yourself overcome the sexual burden you have placed on yourself is to stop dwelling on it. Read books that will help you develop normally and grow you in the ways of God. Your Bible will help you reduce some of those horny feelings you have any day and time. Once you are able to balance your spiritual with your physical, you will not fail or fall victim of your own desires. When men perceive a signal of sexual desperation in a woman, like the hunters they are they will take on the opportunity to nest but are cautious in their approach when they know the woman isn’t up for grabs or that she knows what she wants from life. Therefore have a dream first before placing sex on the table. Good luck.

Infidelity led to my husband’s bedwetting

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how to deal with this problem confronting me in my marriage. I actually came to your office but couldn’t summon the courage to ask of you at the reception. I left without fulfilling the purpose of my visit. The issue is that my husband of nine years urinates on the bed in the night. This started a year ago after I fought his girlfriend and made him to leave her. I actually found out that she was pregnant for him. During the cause of our physical exchange, she fainted and was rushed to the hospital. I heard she eventually lost the baby but at least, my husband began to stay at home. A month after the incident, she came in company of her elder sister who told me to be prepared for battle; that I would see issues in my marriage that will be beyond me. They said I can keep my husband because her sister isn’t interested in him anymore. Without giving me the chance to give them a suitable reply, she walked out of my house. I was glad and closed the chapter but not without warning my husband never to make the mistake of going out with another woman or he would live to regret ever betraying our vows to each other. He didn’t know who to be angry with; me or the woman who came to threaten me in the house. But to ensure his friends and family members are aware of the incident just in the event that she comes back to injure me at home; I told everybody including my harmless warning that he will live to regret ever being unfaithful to me again. I don’t know what happened but about a month after that incident, he started to urinate at home. The first night, our son slept in our room since he wasn’t feeling too fine so I thought he did it. I ignored it and changed the beddings. My husband didn’t react in the way he normally does if any of the children urinates on the bed. I also noticed that even though it was a Saturday when he liked to stay in bed or laze around in his pajamas, he not only took his bath but washed his clothes as well. You can imagine my shock when I discovered that it was my husband who was urinating on the bed. The first few nights, he bluntly refused to sleep in our room. He deliberately picked a fight with me, using the excuse of my son’s purported behaviour as an excuse. Soon the guest room started oozing urine. To cover up, he will take our last son along with him to sleep there. But he eventually owned up when the situation became too much for him to handle. There is no where we haven’t been to; nobody has the answer to his problem. One of the places his family took him to, I was said to be the one behind his predicament. As it is now, his family members are accusing me of being responsible for his situation and are insisting I undo whatever it is I have done to harm their son. They think I did it to make him pay for dating other women. Agatha, I am innocent. God knows I know nothing about it. Why would I go to that extent to harm him? I don’t know what to do anymore. I have prayed and fasted but his situation has remained the same. I am fed up with the whole situation. The whole house stinks as a result of it. I just want my husband to be all right. I love him. I am so confused. What can I do? Mosun. Dear Mosun, First eradicate any medical condition. Be certain that he is not suffering from any medical condition. According to my doctor friend, an infection of the bladder may make it impossible for him to control himself especially at night when he is asleep. It is the same reason children urinate on their beds in the night. In his opinion, it is obvious that the brain isn’t getting any message from that part of the body to wake him up when sleeping. Therefore insist on medical examination before considering other options. If the problem is medical, spiritual options won’t work. God who equipped pharmacists and doctors with the medical knowledge of the kinds of drugs and treatment we need from time to time to help our weak organs, repair them where necessary certainly knows what he is doing so stop applying a medication meant for headache to treat boil. It is only when doctors insist there is nothing wrong with him medically, and all his vitals are working the way they should, that you should employ the spiritual options since what happened in the past and this incident may just be a coincidence. But be that as it may, you didn’t handle the matter of your husband’s affair very well. Doubtless, you had every reason to be bitter considering the emotional pains and sense of betrayal involved in knowing your husband had being playing around but going to fight a pregnant woman wasn’t right. What if they had invited the Police in and you are currently facing murder charge? The fact that the woman lost her baby while you fought her in her state makes you responsible for the death of that innocent child she was carrying. Even though they didn’t bother to press charges against you, spiritually you have offended God. You shouldn’t have fought this woman under any circumstances. After all, she didn’t get herself pregnant. Your husband did. The normal thing would have been to confront your husband who strayed and betrayed his vows. Therefore if those you have consulted over your husband’s predicament think you are the one behind his problem, they can’t be far from the truth. Granted, you may not be directly responsible, fighting his pregnant mistress, an incident that led to the death of the foetus, makes you indirectly liable for the condition of your husband. Temper and impatience can destroy an otherwise good cause. This is where I think you should begin sourcing solutions to your problems from. The fact that the other woman’s family members, beyond coming to issue that threat, didn’t make life more difficult for you by adding legal means to what you did, is very pregnant with meaning. If you know where the woman is, go and beg her. Even though she ought to be the one begging you, the fact that you acted wrongly, out of impatience makes you the guilty one. Take elders in your family as well as your husband’s to beg her for forgiveness. Life is too deep and complex for what you did to this woman. Besides, nobody can really know the mind of our God. What appears to be right to man maybe injustice in His sight. If the laws of the land do not take kindly to fighting a pregnant woman, how much more God’s laws? The life that was lost was created by God, so it was His handiwork you destroyed. That child could have become the redeemer of your family or a world-class material in his or her chosen field. That child she was carrying was innocent of anything the father and mother did to you. The act made you guiltier than your husband. By going to beg the woman in question to forgive your act, you make yourself blameless before God. Once you beg, don’t bother if they agree to your pleas or not. Follow up by asking God Himself to forgive you and ensure that everything that incident put wrong in your family is made right. If anybody tells you not to go, that the woman got what she deserved, don’t listen or allow pride make you lose everything that gives you happiness at the end of the day. Wisdom is what governs the journey of life. Don’t allow anybody take it away from you. You need a peaceful home to train and instill proper values into your children. You need your husband to feel like a man again; to be a real husband to you and not just in a name. With his challenge, it will be difficult for him to function as a man even though nothing is wrong with him physically. If it takes asking this woman for forgiveness to restore peace in your home, please do it. Above all, don’t ever relent in prayers. There is nothing our God isn’t capable of doing. Good luck.