Help, I’m Inactive In Bed

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column in the ‘Daily Independent.’ I must commend you for your incisive answers to readers’ questions. I am in my late 20s and just married. Once I am with my wife on bed, my manhood shrinks after a few minutes of erection even without having sex. Why is it so? Secondly, I find it difficult going for second round of sex.

I am understandably worried about this. Please what do you think can be responsible for this and what can I do? Kindly assist me as this is threatening my marriage, because I am afraid that my wife will seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Adeyemo.

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Dear Adeyemo,

Did you engage in sexual activities before you got married? If yes, have you always been like this? Did you ever suffer any injury whether as a young child or an adult? Were you ever a victim of emotional sexual abuse from a woman who mocked your performance? What are your growing views on sex? Did you grow up in a home where sex was taught as dirty, something a couple does when they plan to have a baby only and that couples who engaged in it any other time were hell bound? Or is your wife your first experience of sex in life?

These are some of the reasons you could be having problems.

The best place to begin is to go and see your doctor to eliminate any medical reason. Once that is done and you are certified medically fit, look at other possibilities that might be responsible.

However, the important thing is to change your overall orientation to the issue of lovemaking. There is world of difference between having sex and making love.

To get the best deal, involve your wife from the beginning by discussing the problem you are having with her. Though it is obvious, don’t assume she should know, get her to have an opinion as well as make a contributions on how both of you can get round the problem. The mistake most men make is to assume that their sexual problem is theirs alone. This is why most women seek solutions elsewhere.

Being married has made the problem a joint one. Hear her out as well as her suggestions. Both of you could agree on heavy dose of romance; you will be surprised at the power and influence of touch in the final result. No man can know how to please a woman more than herself. She knows how she wants to be made love to, asking her would help you know how and this in turn will stop her from going out as well as help you recover beautifully well from whatever may be the cause of your limitations.

Allow her take the lead does wonders too because it means she is free to invent as well as invest herself in the act leaving you to enjoy the experience.

This is one thing you must never do alone. You need her to help you overcome, so bury your male pride and suspicions and ask for her help. Remember, in marriage, both of you are free of the burden of guilt at indulging in an act God Himself designed to help make marriage worth all the risks.

Good luck.

Can Mere Casual Contact Make Genuine Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I love your column in ‘Daily Independent.’ I am a lady of 26 years of age. My life is in total dilemma over a relationship I am having right now. I met this guy on January 4, this year on board of a vehicle while I was coming back for Christmas holiday. He is 35 years old. We chatted and exchange phone numbers before I alighted at Ibadan. I found out he is a student of the University of Ibadan. We began to converse on the phone. One day, he called me on phone to inform me of his intentions to marry me. I didn’t give him a straightforward answer because I am in an existing relationship though he hasn’t mentioned the issue of marriage.

My suspicion is that before coming to further his study at his age, he must be married.

I don’t want to be second wife to someone I hardly know. When I confronted him with the possibilities of him having a wife, he denied.

I gave him a surprised visit at his dormitory with the hope of getting or finding out things about him but I didn’t see anything. My effort to know more about him is hampered by the fact that he resides and spends his holidays in the middle belt area of the country where he hails from.

I don’t know any of his relatives. Though we come from the same state but we speak different languages. He wanted to come and see my parents and was demanding money from me to travel down from his base. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know whether he is serious or not.

Please help me out.

Victorious.

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Dear Victorious,

Marriage is a journey of a lifetime hence should be given all the seriousness it deserves. What do you know about him to consider spending the rest of your life with him?

What is wrong with your current relationship to make you even consider this stranger whose marital status or true identity you know nothing of?

While true sudden love happens, in this instance, you are both far from the target. When contemplating marriage, it is always advisable for the couple to apply caution to avoid ending up with the wrong partner.

At 26, you still have time, so avoid being pressured into marrying in a haste, else you might live to regret the decision. He is the one running the race against time, not you. So, resist the attempt to stampede you into a situation you are least prepared for.

At any rate, being in an existing relationship means you are not free to enter into any form of relationship with this man. You can only be free and just to your current boyfriend if you terminate your bond with him. Don’t do what you cannot tolerate to him.

This other guy hasn’t done anything to you except loving you, and if you must leave him ensure it is done sensibly and responsibility. That you are contemplating a relationship with this man despite your doubts about his marital status shows that whatever you feel for your current boyfriend isn’t strong enough to withstand the test of time.

Therefore, be bold enough to tell him the truth about your changing feelings for him. It will save you a lot of confusion and time you would have spent going from one man to the other. Besides, with what you are feeling for this second man, there is no way you can give your current boyfriend the quality of happiness he deserves because if the feelings for him were right, there is no way you would have ever contemplating anything with this other man. If you have never been honest in your life, this is the time for you to in the interest of your happiness later in life.

It will also free you to investigate your new man as well as devote enough time to study him. At this stage when marriage seems so important on your agenda, you need to take certain steps that will get you closer to your goal.

However, be sure that like you too this man if he doesn’t have a wife will have a commitment to another woman. So if he is contemplating marrying you, ensure he too takes the step towards realising it by asking him pointed question about his relationships. He says he has no wife, ask him about his girlfriend. And if he says he doesn’t have any woman in his life, ask him why he is, at his age, without commitment to anyone.

Whether for a man or woman, 35-year isn’t a spring age. To have a clean slate to begin anything on, it is imperative you both sit to discuss every detail of the past. This will help you make up your mind about him and the areas of your joint strengths as well as weaknesses.

Before agreeing to his proposal, do yourself a lot of good by going down to his village to, on your own, investigate him. Fortunately, you are from the same state so won’t find it difficult to trace his hometown.

Gather all the information you can about him. Get someone to accompany you to his place to find out about his marital status, his history before going into it. Don’t take chance with your life to avoid regrets and pains.

Again you have to know something about his temperament, his attitude as well as ambition in life. Marriage flourishes on these ingredients. Without a right temperament, there is no way both of you would be able to discuss and integrate the necessary structures into your union. For this reason you must know why he is still single at his age. If his single status has to do with his temper and attitude towards women, ask him how he plans to accommodate your opinion as well as contributions into his lifestyle.

Again you must know something about his thoughts about women. A good home is one where the man respects the woman and treats her with care. This is what makes a home different from a house.

If he is sensible, he too should be interested in knowing more about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with.

This is why visiting your parents should not be put first item on the agenda. Your parents aren’t the ones who are going to live with him, you are, and without both of you having the right attitudes towards each other, this relationship won’t work.

The bit about giving him money to visit your parents is a bit worrisome. And is the more reason you should intensify effort at investigating him. You must ascertain his motive for wanting you in his life as well as know where he is coming from.

Too many questions are begging for answers hence your need to be extremely careful.

Also commit the entire process into the hands of God, who knows and sees everything.

Good luck.