I want to marry another woman to hurt my wife

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am so angry and bitter that my wife of over 30 years betrayed me. I am over 50 years but my wife’s betrayal and lies have reduced me to tears and I am finding it hard to reconcile the issues involved. I have been abroad for about twelve or more years trying to raise money to provide good education for my six children and maintain my family. I have been able to see three of my six children through university education and the remaining three will be out in a year’s time. All these years I have been away, I call my wife and children weekly and send their monthly upkeep. It happened that one of my daughters got pregnant while in the university and even failed to inform me. Each time I called and hear the cries of a baby, I always ask my wife whose baby was crying. She kept telling it was the neighbour’s baby left in her care. This lie persisted for four years; not even when I moved them to Lagos did she tell me the truth. Even her sisters joined in keeping this information away from me until one day, I sensed something was wrong somewhere. I insisted on knowing the identity of the crying baby. She eventually broke down in tears to tell me that the baby actually belonged to my daughter. I cried for what they did to me. Up to this moment, she has not volunteered information concerning the identity of the man involved. The information I have concerning the incident is coming from my children. According to them, she dropped out of the University for a year even though I was sending her school fees. My children apologised for keeping the information away from me. They said they were scared of what I would have done. They also said the man is doing his best to provide for the child and that he has severally objected to my being kept in the dark about the existence of the child. I do not know this man and he has not spoken to me but has been communicating with my wife. They christened this child without my knowledge, it’s painful. I have forgiven my daughter and have sent her back to the university. But, I want to get back at my wife for hurting me badly so I want to take a new wife. I promised to continue to look after her but I have no more feelings for her and I am planning to take a new wife who will be honest and trustworthy to me. I need your sincere advice on what to do but remember I have forgiven her for the sake of the children. Besides, our children are all grown up. I don’t think I can trust such a woman in my life again. Till now, I do not know her reason for doing this to me because she has said nothing to me but am still sending her upkeep allowances and have forgiven my children but won’t ever forget the incident. Please tell me what I should do with this kind of woman. Angry Husband. Dear Angry Husband, A lot of things don’t sit right about your story. Money isn’t the solution to everything in life. Leaving your family for more than 12 years in pursuit of financial benefits has its disadvantages. Had you taken time out to come home intermittently to visit your family or delegated some members of your family to visit them, you would have known precisely when your daughter got pregnant and had the child. The fact that your immediate family also maintained sealed lips about the matter underscores a concern that you may have stayed away for far too long to be consulted over certain matters. When a man leaves his family for the number of years you have left yours, so many things are bound to go wrong with his placement and ranking in the family. Sending money monthly and calling them every week isn’t the same thing as having you around or you coming home once in a while to put things right. When a head of the family decides to make another man’s land his homeland, leaving his family in the hands of a woman, this is the kind of situation he has to put up with. Your wife first and foremost is a mother; who understands the implication of telling her husband, she hasn’t seen for several years that his daughter is pregnant. A combination of fear and dread of not knowing how you would react; could have stopped her from saying anything. For all she knows, you could decide not to send her and the children money again as form of punishment for the sin of the one that got pregnant. Besides, there are certain things that don’t come out right on the phone, no matter how well one tries to make it sound right. Telling you the daughter you expect so much from; has built a dream around, has decided otherwise may not be as easy as it appears. First, is the conclusion you would come to, about her style of leadership in the home. Your pains and disappointment may make you overreact to the extent of grouping her alongside her daughter. What if you decide not to answer her call after receiving the news, how is she going to get around the obstacle created in your relationship by this distance? And have you also bothered to know how she has coped without your help raising six children including boys? It couldn’t have been easy for her to have maintained decorum and sanity as a woman and mother. Like every woman in her shoes, she must feel bitter, angry and dejected at her status as a grass widow. Her reason may just be total anger at her situation. Anger and disappointment, at having to live like a widow, when she as a matter of fact, has a husband. Besides, it is queer that nobody in your family or among the friends you have here told you about your daughter’s condition. This means you too aren’t without blames of your own. Granted your wife was wrong not to have told you but what about your family members and the friends you have down here? Why the conspiracy of silence from all quarters? Rather than blame your wife alone, ask yourself why your family members and friends also kept the information away from you? While not supporting the decision of your wife not to inform you about the incident, your resolution to take another wife will, given the nature of your marriage, be seen by your family and friends as pre-planned. There is no way you could have remained faithful, a celibate all these years. There must have been those occasional women or woman that takes care of your emotional needs. That you are thinking of marrying another woman based on the excuse of your wife not telling you about your grandchild, maybe be viewed by those close to you as ploy to give legality to one of the affairs you have been having all these years. If it were just a matter of your wife not telling you about your grandchild, surely, you can forgive her? There is no marriage without its rough side; slips and accidents. Doubtless, she made a very grave error but taking another wife isn’t a solution. Sincerely, this would have been a perfect time for you to come home and personally attend to affairs in your home and marriage. This kind of issue isn’t what you can sort out on the phone; if you cannot come down to the country, can’t you send for her? This matter is beyond the issue of your daughter’s pregnancy and baby. It has more to do with your marriage than the matter you are playing up. How can you leave a woman for 12 years and expect her to be happy? There is no way she will ever have the kind of peace of mind she had when you were leaving her. Inside her mind are a cocktail of questions, begging for answers. Like you, the years apart have toughened her, given her a new perceptive to life which only your presence can correct. Having lived on her own all these years, taking another wife won’t make much difference to her since you haven’t been a husband to her in the real sense of the world for more than a decade. Money and phone calls are not what make you the husband of a woman or father to children. Your presence matters a lot. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. For instance, how have you occupied your free time? Can you in all honesty say you have been faithful to her: that you have not hurt her in anyway? What assurances do you have that your new wife won’t misbehave if she is made to live like your present wife? It takes two to destroy a marriage just as it takes two to build it. You can only be happy at the end of the day if you are honest enough to face the real truth concerning your marriage. Your decision to hide behind a finger will only cause more problems for you in life. Good luck.