Dear Agatha,
I thank God for the wisdom He has bestowed on you to solve people’s problems. I am a foreigner, married to a Nigerian.
I have two children but we lost one. When we lost the child, he avoided me and was not coming to me.
The lady he impregnated when he was in school then was with him, he came back with his relatives and they pleaded that I should start afresh. My relatives ordered him to do the normal thing he should do on his new bride, which he did.
We are having difficulties in bearing another child and he is dating another lady.
Please I am confused because I can’t stand another woman in his life.
Mrs. Afi.
Dear Mrs Afi,
That marriage is everlasting-to-everlasting doesn’t make it immunised against painful challenges and nightmares. Just like our destinies and faces are different so also are the experiences we have to pass through in life.
For this reason your marriage would only come with challenges God in his wisdom and mercies know you can cope with. He has patented our problems to suit the abilities he invested in us.
I appreciate that it isn’t easy knowing that one’s spouse is cheating, but it could be worse. At least you are aware of his deceit and must therefore make all emotional as well as psychological preparations to deal and live with this problem. Count yourself lucky because some women don’t even get to know about this until perhaps the man dies and all the children from different women begin to make their presence felt or they come when the woman least expects.
Majority of these women don’t ever get over it because over the years they have come to trust their husbands so much, elevating these men to the status of angels on earth. In your case, you have no such illusion, hence would not be disappointed or bitter when you discover if he has other children.
Rather than waste so much time and passion on feeling bad over this tendency of his, use it to build your strength as well as the foundation of your marriage.
Don’t nag or worry about your inability to conceive. Medically, there is no way you would be able to conceive with you worrying over his infidelity or ability to tie him down with another child. One sad but vivid fact is that a man who has the tendency to stray doesn’t need the excuse of his wife’s inability to have children to do what he wants to do. Even if you give him all the children in the world, he would still do what he wants because this is where he gets his kicks. It is like an addiction which a lot of men find difficult to resist. Deep down, your husband knows it is something he shouldn’t do but simply cannot resist the urge to.
A wise woman rather than fight him physically or make the home uncomfortable for him would take the matter to God on her knees. Pray him out of this habit because your happiness is dependent on it. This is what you should tell God. He is waiting for you to ask him to fully take charge. Resenting or nagging him is akin to telling God not to bother but if you continue to make him feel like the lord of his home by being respectful and supportive despite the hurt is unleashing on you, you leave God with no choice but to leave you to fight for yourself.
The next step is to stop blaming his infidelity on your inability to conceive. You are not barren, at least your two children are evidence of that fact. That you lost one is sad but you still have one who you should devote time to giving the best of life. No matter how much you wish for another child if God says you can’t have another, there is nothing you can do despite the advanced nature of modern sciences. There are still a lot of women who, no matter their wealth and medical help available to them; simply cannot get pregnant. In your case, you were not only able to get pregnant but have a child to show for it.
You are worried because you have placed on your focus and attention on your husband and your inability to conceive as quick as you would want.
The damage you do to yourself taking the blame for his attitude would be more severe than what he is doing to you in terms of your health.
The woman’s body isn’t a very friendly package for stress, especially as you are trying to conceive. It locks up all the natural processes of your body, making your hormones behave differently from the way they are supposed to.
Also, worries make one grey and wrinkle faster than normal. By then your husband would have a very strong reason, not just an excuse to bring in another woman. So snap out of your challenge because if truth be told, you don’t have a problem which other women aren’t managing.
Leaving him isn’t even a choice you should contemplate because the challenge that awaits you in the house or life of another man may be a real problem, one that could be life threatening.
To win him, look at the women he is always going after. What is common to them all apart from their relationship with your husband? Even though most men don’t have reason to go out of their homes but they always have excuses. What are his excuses? Has it to do with the way you dress, cook; your housekeeping or attitude? Could it be sexual?
The battle for happiness is usually devoid of pride. Set aside yours and do what you have to do in addition to prayers to win him back.
If he is the type who has a very soft spot for trendy clothes don’t hesitate to change your wardrobe as well as your cooking skills. Ask his family members, especially his mother if she is still alive or his sisters about his favourite food. If the need be go and learn how to cook his native meals. Nothing engages the heart of a man like good food and perfect housekeeping. Treat him like a mini god by overlooking all his faults and focusing on the very first thing that made you leave all the men in your country for him.
Something very special must have attracted you to him in the beginning. Hold on to that initial dream and quality; it is the only way you would have the peace of mind to fight for your marriage.
There is no battle patience, humility and tolerance cannot defeat. No matter how bad a man is, deep down is a conscience. Appeal to that conscience by remaining a good and obedient wife. A time would come when all the women would disappear from his life, when he comes to the realisation that he has a priceless gem in you. It is then you would reap all your investment of selflessness and patience. The stage your marriage is in now is the time of planting and tending.
I know it is not easy but you just must have the zeal to endure the pains now. Don’t worry, his time to plant and invest in the marriage is coming but only if you do your side of the bargain now would you be able to harvest the happiness his time of planting would bring your way.
All those other women are not important to him and allowing them to affect your peace of mind is to accord them the importance they don’t deserve at all. The stability of your home should be your concern because if you make the mistake of leaving him, another would take your place even before you get to your family home. So don’t give him or any of these women any chance to be happy at your expense.
The child would come at only God’s appointed time so relax and enjoy being a woman, wife and mother to the child you have.
Good luck
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