Memory Of Serial Sexual Abuses Haunt Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 16 years of age and have been suffered serial sexual abuses. My parents are unaware of these abuses. The only person in the family who is in the know is my cousin.

I have been able to put this ugly past behind me until I was almost raped by my friend. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hurting any man I met to avenge what men have done to me irrespective of who they are or feel for me. I feel so terrible. Please help me.

Confused Girl.

---

Dear Confused Girl,

At 16 you are far too young to have tasted what you have gone through as well as harbour this amount of hatred and negative feelings inside of you.

I am worried because these experiences if not properly handled will destroy you as the years roll by. That you have made up your mind to even the score show the presence of a psychological trauma. You need urgently to talk to someone, to hold the child that has been lost inside of you, a voice to give you hope and help you look at life and men from a different perspective.

It is unfortunate that your parents are unaware of what is happening to you and the lack of someone within the family whose shoulders and ears you need the most now to survive this dangerous phase of your life.

If there is any way you can come to our office, please don’t hesitate to come so we can have a mother and daughter discussion. So, many questions are hanging from your letter. In the first instance, who are these men or man that violated you? How did it all start? Where were you first abused? Can you remember how it all happened and the feelings you felt afterwards? Are these men still present in your life? In what ways do you think your parents are responsible? Do you think they could have done anything to prevent it or their attitude contributed to this situation in your life? Do you consider yourself responsible for all these, blame yourself that you are doing something wrong or think men are all brutes?

These are questions you must have to answer to be able to put the situation behind you. Your friend’s attitude only brought back an issue that has not really died in your heart. What you have done is simply to lock away the problem, not to surf through it with a view of trashing the dustbin.

You need, through the help of others, to come to terms with what happened to you. The essence is to help you examine things to avoid now and later in life, the tell tale signs of when a man has more than a passing interest in your body as well as the mannerism men put up when they are on excessive and uncontrollable heat.

At what point did this friend of yours attempt raping you? Where were both of you and how much of a friend has he been?

Like I said, it is important you and I talk. If you are not in Lagos, send me a text so I can call you.

In the meantime, don’t put yourself in any compromising position or situation that would give any man the power to influence you for his selfish end. This means avoid being alone with a man in a secluded place.

The bad thing about revenge missions like this is the self-destruction that takes place at the end of the day. Being a woman, you will be the one to suffer the most, not the men who would gladly have your body. The consequences aren’t usually as severe on them except when they come down with sexually transmitted diseases.

It is the woman’s biological functions nature that has the higher risk factors.

For the sake of the future you hope to have some day with that real man who despite your past would love and cherish you.

God will see you through.

Good luck.

After He Tricked Me To Pluck My Flower…

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in ‘Daily Independent’ Newspaper I have made it my daily guidance.

I am a 22-year-old lady who has been struggling for sometime now with the Joint Admission and Matriculation Examinations (JAMB). I am currently employed on a monthly salary of N13, 000. Unfortunately I fell into relationship with a guy, who promised to marry me from the first time we met if I am able to get admission into the university.

He actually promised we would marry either in my first or second year. I used to sing in the church and participate in different activities in the church but couldn’t continue when I met this guy. The first time he asked me to visit him at home demanded to have sex with me.

I explained to him that yielding to his request would become a hindrance to my God and me. But he assured me that since we were in love and going to be married it wasn’t a problem. So I agreed to have sex with him.

Severally, I told him if he knew he was going to disappoint me, we should stop having sex but he kept assuring me that we would end up married. He promised to come and see my parents.

To my surprise, he came to my house recently to call off the relationship. According to him, he decided to call off the relationship because it was taking us nowhere and that he has made up his mind to treat me like his sister.

According to him, he has become a born again.

Agatha, advise me on what to do now that he has defiled me and cheated on me. I promise not to forgive him for the rest of my life. When I asked about myself, he said is it a crime for him to come and tell me what he has in his mind? Please I’m hurt right now I can do anything that will harm him because of the pain he gave to my life.

Disappointed Lady.

---

Dear Disappointed Lady,

Don’t allow what he did to you make you do something you will forever regret. Life is too short and delicate to be so wasted. Allow the past to rest where it belongs.

But if the truth must be told, he didn’t do it alone, everything he did was with your consent. You were the one who failed yourself, not the man who made false promises to you.

From the very beginning this man gave you clues into his person but you didn’t bother to examine them. He told you from the beginning you both met that he would only marry you if you gained admission into the university but you still allowed yourself to be persuaded by him to have access into your body. You gave in to him because you also desired sex. He didn’t force you into it. You had a choice to insist you won’t do it but because you didn’t want to lose him as well as a deeply rooted desire to have knowledge of sex, you allowed yourself to be persuaded by him. Your hatred would have been understandable if he raped you. He didn’t only played on your weakness as a woman. It is the right of the men to come with numerous promises because they know most women want to hear that, while it is the prerogative of the woman to either accept or reject. In your case, you elected to accept. So it would be unfair to heap the blame of this whole thing on his head alone. Admit to your own folly in this matter, it is the only way you can bury this episode with the maturity it deserves behind you once and for all.

Were you smart enough, you too would have told him to wait for you to gain admission into the university before agreeing to sleep with him since that was the same condition he gave you. If a university education is what qualifies you to become his wife, you should have also insisted that he could only have sex with you when you become an undergraduate.

He didn’t hide his double standards from you at all but you were too carried away by your own emotions and needs to think straight.

Rather than blame him for your failure to be faithful to God and enforce your own rules, blame yourself for the weakness of the flesh because a man can promise or say anything to get his way with the woman, it is the woman’s business to resist as well as interpret her own happiness.

Were you really committed to God, you will never have allowed this man persuade you against betraying your position in the church. You would have continued in your work while setting the pace for him to follow. Being your own gatekeeper, the man didn’t gate crash. You gave him of your freewill chose to believe everything he told you without questioning his motives. You weren’t sincere to God so can you expect this man to be sincere to you? You put him above the God you were working for and serving. Sincerely, there is nothing you can do about what happened between the two of you. Bitter as it is, let go of the memories. To continue to hold on to them is to cause yourself further pains, which may lead you into doing something stupid. Believe me, you don’t have the patent for this type of pains or disappointments. Women before you have suffered the same things and uncountable number of women after you will still suffer from it. It is the cycle of life. We have to lose something to gain something provided we are willing to subject ourselves to the lesson of experience.

Now you know what to believe and what not and everything you should never allow to happen in your next relationship. This is not to say you shouldn’t trust your next man but that you should be as wise as the serpent to stay focused in a relationship.
The truth is that relationship is unavoidable, but know your limits until you are licensed to do everything a woman and a man can do together as a couple.

To avoid making more complicating mistakes in your life, don’t rush into any relationship for now. Give yourself enough time to heal and to have a clearer picture of your vision as young woman. Once that is done, it would be easier for you to set priorities and stick to them without difficulties.

Good luck.