Thursday, December 27, 2012

Despite his aloofness, his mother urges patience

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, We were friends for more than one year before we started dating. We dated for four years and were never intimate because I told him from the beginning I was not interested in that aspect of our relationship. I am part of his education, I paid his schools fees and many other things. I did this because I have no intentions of marrying an uneducated man. You can therefore imagine my pains when he told me he can’t marry me: that I lack a good character as well as not being compatiable as a couple. I really love him because he has a good character and comes from a good family. I certainly hoped to have my children in that kind of home and live the rest of my life there because it was what I have always wanted. Although we do quarrel but he always come back to beg me to stay, but the real problem started recently when I asked him to take me to his parents. He refused on the grounds that it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know any of his friends or family members but because of the love I have for him, I didn’t mind, I patiently waited for him to graduate. After pleading with him on many occassions for me to meet with his parents, I finally managed to get his mother’s number on his phone and later called his mother to explained everything to her, his mother assured me of settling the matter between two of us when he comes back from the village and pleaded with me not to leave her son. His mother has been begging him on phone to re-concile with me. I am in my final year in school but it doesn’t matter, I can wait for him as long as it is what I want. I want a home where I will be able to achieve my aim in life not just getting marry for marrying sake. I don’t want to have problems with my marriage in future, such that will be make me consider getting a divorce and later I will be thinking of divorcing, this is why despite the many suitors coming my way, I prefer him. He is the kind of man I want in my life and no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in future, I love him enough to weather the storm with him. Now the issue is, aside his mother telling me to exercises patient, I don’t know what to do. I want him in life and my mother is aware of him and our challenges. She advised me to patiently wait for him. I have been praying for God to touch his heart and also begging him. Please I need your advise because I don’t want to make mistake in life. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, There is no challenge or issue patience cannot subdue. Endurance is priceless and a strong tool in avoiding regrets in relationships. Besides, there is no relationship without certain amounts of sacrifices. The higher the sacrifice the better the end results would be. If his mother is pleading with you to be patient, listen to her because she knows her son more than anyone else. She has said, she doesn’t want either of you to regret any decision made in haste; this flows from what she knows that you don’t know. Most men are not equipped with this attribute. Any woman who wants to enjoy her marriage must be able through patience manage her man well. and one of the tools a wise woman uses is respect. Good enough, your man in his letter said you have every thing he wants in a woman which means, it is not your person that is the problem in this relationship. This is why his mother says you should not be in a hurry to quit for whatever reason. There are four categories of men out there. those that want a woman and go for her, those that avoid the woman they don’t want and those that say one thing but are in fact thinking of the opposite what they are saying as well as those that simply don’t know what they want. In your boyfriend’s case, he appears for now not to know what he wants. Like most men his age, he wants the freedom to play the field a little bit, wants to enjoy the full benefit of his age before he settles. This is why he keeps urging you to settle for one of the many suitors coming your way. He isn’t thinking too much of a tomorrow because he is scared of contemplating the challenges that go with getting serious with a woman. He isn’t the first man to develop cold feet at the prospect of getting serious with a woman neither would he be the last. he needs assurances from you that he isnt about to make a costly mistake. Another thing that could be responsible for his attitude may not be unconnected with the role you played in his education. The fact that you paid his fees as well as provided for his needs is more than enough to get him. The clear message of your action is that you are capable of taking care of your needs hence may not need a man. I know that isn’t your intentions but a lot of men can be intimidated by such a woman. This is why you have to be careful it doesn’t appear to him that you are demanding marriage as a form of pay back for the help you rendered him. allowing him to make up his mind would help both of you in future to be truly happy. You have to give him the space to see you as his woman, desire you sufficiently to want to spend the rest of his life with you without doubts. The moment the doubts linger, he would always wonder if he got married to you as a form of gratitude or from a desire to do so. The danger of him getting married to you with this kind of nagging feelings on his mind is the lack of respect and devotion you deserve from him. The other angle is fear. How is he going to control and perhaps exercise authority over the woman who trained him? The the onus is on you to assure him that you will never take advantage of the help you freely offered him; that you will not make reference to it when you have disagreement or act it when you are angry with him. some women just don’t know when to apply the brakes on their temper when angry. They are always quick to remind not just the man of their contribution to his life but also to anybody who cares to listen. While he may not outrightly tell you all these as his real reasons, you must, if you are serious about being with him forever, initiate dialogue along that line. It is also important you dispel any mis-giving that you may be desperate to marry him at all cost. Don’t make your conversation sound like blame trading; rather, let him understand that it comes from a deep desire to source for long lasting solutions to the challenge both of you are making. To achieve positive results, listen more to him and be prepared to make more sacrifices if the need arises for the sake of keeping your relationship on track. While assuring him of your love, make it clear you are ready, even if you will be hurt of your willingness to respect whatever decision he comes up with at the end of the day. This is to communicate your desire for him to be happy to him. As a woman, your first duty is to ensure the man in your life is happy and comfortable with you as a woman. It makes other difficult aspects of two strangers coming together to make a life easier to fashion. He must know that you have the ability as well as stamina irrespect of human failures, to help him confront his worst nightmares in life especially as it affects the uncertainly of tomorrow. Therefore, don’t for whatever reason refuse to talk to him. There is always huge benefits in keeping the line of communication opened between two friends. Once both of you get into the habit of communicating as friends, a lot of these issues plaguing your relationship would become things of the past. It would make it easier for both of you to focus strenght on the right areas while letting go of those aspects of your relationship that are not important. Good luck.

He vows to marry only a virgin

Dear Agatha, May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, l was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that, my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should l tell him the truth and lose him or keep the secret to my self? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t been having premarital sex, would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man; that is if you are really serious about marrying him is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he is matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after your started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is; it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation. Good luck.

She is playing around

Dear Agatha I am a regular reader of your column, please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realize that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough a criteria to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the important being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behavior towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are, give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways be obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck.

He is in love with his second cousin

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves. I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go. My question: what implication would they have if they continue? Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling? What should they do? Arms Dear Arms, In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins. Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members. It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not. Good luck. I love her Dear Agatha, Please I need your urgent assistance. There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart. You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious. She’ is the type of what I have always prayed for. However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart. Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me. Confused Lover. Dear Confused Lover, There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman. Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal. She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends. In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not. Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you. However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less. As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God. Good luck.

My husband has low sperm count

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I got married three years ago. My husband and I have been trying for a child since then. There is no place I haven’t been to in my quest for a child. There is no medication; I haven’t taken in my bid to be a mother. Since women are always to blame for the absence of a child in a marriage, I didn’t bother my husband too much to accompany me for any medical test. I just wanted to please him by having a baby. It wasn’t until I got introduced to my current doctor who insisted that for her to examine me, she must see my husband. Then I pressured him to come with me to see the doctor. After series of medical examinations, she certified me fit but sent my husband for more tests. Finally, it was discovered that he has low sperm count hence was placed on certain drugs with the instruction that we should make love as frequently as possible. He was specifically told that meeting me during my ovulation period would enhance my chances of becoming pregnant. Since I didn’t want to deflate his ego, I wisely refused to discuss it with him especially as he didn’t bring it up. The first few months, he abided by the doctor’s instruction but after the third month, he went back to doing things his way. Sometimes, he won’t come near me for weeks and when he finally does, it is over in a few minutes. When I tried to complain about the unfair way he was treating me, he flared up and accused me of conniving with the doctor to conceal my inability to give him a child; he described the diagnosis of the doctor that he has low sperm count as false and baseless. He promised to surprise me by impregnating another woman. There was no name he didn’t call the doctor and I. Two months ago, I developed a very nasty itch in my private part; on examination, I was told I have a sexually transmitted disease. When I confronted my husband with the situation, he told me to do whatever pleases me that he has since lost interest in our marriage. He went on to ask what use is having a woman in the house who cannot give him a child? The pressure is too much and my close friends are urging me to go out of my marriage and get pregnant to keep my husband. Although I have resisted so far but three weeks ago, I ran into an old friend and I am seriously contemplating dating him. I am so confused. Bisi Dear Bisi, No matter the challenges you are going through in your present marriage, don’t fall into the temptation of playing in the field. It isn’t worth it. You honestly have a good case now but once you decide to pay your husband back in his own coin, you end up being the loser. No matter how permissive we have become as a people, certain things never change. A married woman must be loyal to her vows. If a woman must play the field, she reserves the right to end her marriage which I am sure isn’t what you intend to happen in your marriage. Whatever you are going through in your marriage isn’t strange. Every marriage has its share of crisis and upheavals. The difference between failure and success is the ability to endure difficult periods like this in a marriage. Despite the behaviour of your husband, you must try to understand him; he is going through the worst kind of emotional crisis any man can go through in life. His reaction is a cry for help. Being told that his chances of fathering a child is very slim on account of having low sperm count can’t be easy. It is easier to blame the woman for being the cause of childlessness in a marriage than the man. One thing men cherish the most is their viability. And the usual thing is that since a man can sleep with a woman, he is considered hale and hearty; to be confronted with the knowledge that being able to have an erection doesn’t make a complete man of him needs getting used to. Your man is still in a severe state of shock. He needs all the time in the world to appreciate the issue before him. Understandably, so many questions are currently cascading through his mind; the major one being doubt. Not many men know that ejaculating semen during lovemaking doesn’t mean they have healthy sperm. A healthy sperm is the one with the force to make a woman pregnant. If a healthy man releases about 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation to get just one of the sperms to fertilise a ripe female egg, what chance does a man with low sperm count have to do the same job? Without him realising or admitting it, he needs you more than ever before. He needs your strength as a woman to pull through this very difficult period in his life. Like fish out of water, he will fight at first until he has no strength in him. It is a matter of his pride and ego as a man you are dealing with here. Unless you are patient, there is no stunt he isn’t capable of pulling in his current state of mind. This is his most vulnerable; when a designing and desperate lady can pin on him another man’s pregnancy. For a man looking for ways to prove the doctor wrong, his joy at being told he is responsible for a pregnancy will eclipse his sound rationality at least when it matters the most. For this reason, you have to know when to ignore him and pretend all is well. That he brought home a Sexually Transmitted Disease underscores the kinds of women he is bringing into his life. With the tense situation between the two of you, don’t bother with him, go and get yourself treated immediately because to wait for him is to expose yourself to the consequences of secondary infection. It is imperative you eliminate that first before informing him for his own well being that he has contacted an STD from one of his girlfriends. Show him the receipt and medical report of your own infection from him and how much the treatment cost you. The fact that you deliberately refused to quarrel with him over the matter might make him apply the breaks and reconsider the sanity of his actions. If he doesn’t, continue to ignore him and insist on a condom whenever he comes to you for lovemaking. Explain your insistence on the use of a form of protection; let him know it has nothing to do with your love for him but that of protecting your reproductive health and as well as general health from danger. Sincerely only very few men would be calm on hearing this kind of verdict. Many men will do precisely what he is doing. But from experience, this kind of behaviour soon expires leaving them exhausted and calm. Therefore you need to help him plan ahead; think of the many options both of you can explore as a couple as well as all the assurances of your love and support. No man wants the world to know about his inability in this area of life. This is the kernel of his behaviour. As always, there is no challenge too great for God to overcome. Many men with low sperm count have recovered to father children after adhering strictly to recommended treatment. He must be disciplined to overcome this challenge; this is where you should focus your prayers. If at the end of the day, he is still unable to father a child, both of you should consider the option of adopting one. The kinds of emotions, investment, time and love we invest in a child is what makes the difference. The difference between a biological child and an adopted child is that one grows in the mother’s tummy while the other grows in the heart. Through reassuring him of your love and support, he will soon overcome this challenge. Good luck.