Dear Agatha,
I have read so many of your advices to people, and I think you are the best person that can save me from making a grievous mistake.
There is this guy I met in 2003 at the University of Calabar, when I went to visit my elder sister who was then a student there. We got talking and one thing led to the other we became friends, but we were not intimate. I was then in my final year in one of the polytechnics. We somehow lost contact.
One day in August 2005, a foreign number called my line and when I answered it, the caller turned out to be him. There and then, he announced his desires to marry me. He said he lost my phone number while he was in Nigeria and that he got it back from my sister's friend.
He apologised for not informing before travelling out of the country. He requested I visited his parents in Lagos. He gave me their address and when I visited them, I ended up spending two weeks because they refused to let me go.
It was obvious that they wanted me in the family because they all treated me with love and respect.
By September of that same year, he asked his people to come and see my own parents, they came for the formal introduction and promised they will come back anytime their son asked them to, he kept writing me and calling me on phone. From his attitude, it was obvious he wanted me and I him. His mother also took to calling almost on daily basis.
On February 14, the following year, he called while I was having my bath. My friend answered the call. When I came out of the bathroom, she told me about the call and when I scrolled through my phone, I discovered he was the one who had called. When I called him back, he was very angry and warned never to call him again. With that he cut off the line. When I asked my friend what had transpired between them; she said nothing and went on to advice me not to bother him again since he has asked for that.
I ignored her and went to a cybercaf close to my house. I wrote him series of email but he didn't reply any. I called his parents they said they will get back to me after talking with him, a week later his mother called me to say I should just pray that everything will be alright, the next thing he did was to change his line. I asked for the new line from the younger sister she said, he told her not to give me the new line. I tried all I could to reach him so that he would at least tell me what transpired between him and my roommate to no avail, some friends then asked me to give him time, so I stopped calling and he never called or wrote me email as he used to.
On November 15, last year, I was in my alumnus meeting when a strange number called my line. I picked it up only to discover he was the one on the other side of the phone. He immediately started pleading for forgiveness as well as requesting his desire for us to continue from where we stopped, that he is ready to make it up to me, he asked me to see him. I refused, he has been to my house severally, but till now, he has not told me what my roommate told him. These days he calls morning, afternoon and night, insisting he wants to marry me, that he can't marry any other woman except me. But I refused to return his visits or calls. What should I do? Please I need your urgent advice, because I don't think I love him any more.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
Are you sure about not loving him anymore? If you are so sure about that, why this letter and why address yourself as a confused lady?
Understandably, you are hurt at his treatment as well as the attendant humiliation of having to cancel all the wedding plans without at least the decency of telling you your offence. Doubtless, it was very cruel not knowing why he condemned you as well as his refusal to even give you a fair chance to explain whatever your offence was.
Even though he displayed little trust for you or your integrity, your so called flat mate must have told him something nasty about you to explain why you weren't with your phone when he called. Whatever she told him definitely had nothing to do with the fact that you went to take your bath. She must have told him something nasty enough to make a man who is jealous or who doesn't have the opportunity of knowing you well enough think you were up to some sort of funny games.
All arguments could be advanced against what he did, but the truth is, you both don't know each other well enough. Before he travelled out of the country, your interactions were tailored to fit into your busy schedules. He was away in his school while you were also miles away in your own school. Your friendship was mostly conducted on the phone and whenever you both saw, care was taken to ensure you both were at your best.
You didn't even know when he travelled out. And when he called, you both were planning a marriage without looking first at your suitability as a couple. It takes more than the feeling of love to set the wheel of marriage on motion. There are lots of ingredients that must be put in place for the marriage recipe to be complete and palatable.
If he knew a little bit about you, he wouldn't have jumped to immediate conclusions irrespective of whatever your roommate told him. It basically shows there is no trust and your relationship has a long way to go before it can be ready for the challenges of marriage.
Whatever happened may simply be God's way of ensuring both of you acquire the vital experience as well as wisdom to make your marriage work. Flowing from what happened a lesson must have been learnt by him, that of not being hasty in jumping into conclusions. There is no way he would want to make the same mistake twice if he is lucky to get over this mess. For him to have come back to you means, he really do care about you and that despite what he thinks, he desires you for keeps.
Also, that he was able, on his own, to discover his folly shows too that he must have done some deep thinking along the line.
Before you totally condemn him, in his shoes, what conclusion would you too come to if his roommate fib a damaging tale about him? How much do you know of him even now to make you disbelieve a close associate of his? How would you react today, if someone he lives with calls you aside to say he is married with children in his base? Be truthful, what would be your first reaction?
Given that you know next to nothing about him, your first reaction is to accept what the person told you as the gospel truth. And if you were the type of person who is naturally doubtful about people, it would take a miracle to make you change your mind.
Whatever your friend must have told him, must have sounded so convincing and the truth especially if he doesn't have that kind of experience before and if you had always blabbed about the friend to him.
At any rate, she must have been a good friend for both of you to be sharing a flat or room. Because you both share the same space, she is assumed by everybody to be the best authority on your lifestyles and habits.
Coming back to you must have taken some guts, given the way he treated you back then. It wouldn't cost you anything to see him and listen to what he has to say. God may have deliberately planned this moment to give both of you the chance to grow your relationship properly. Nothing happens without a reason. And do you think you would have been able to withstand the shame if this had happened after your marriage? That the misunderstanding happened before is God's way of providing both of you with a positive agenda to pursue in the process of bonding.
That his mother didn't join issues with him is commendable. She must have known that one day the mystery of what transpired between him and your friend would clear sufficiently for him to realise his mistakes. Only cowards and the foolish refuse to look at past mistakes. We get better in experience if we occasionally look at our past mistakes. He has done that to have come back to you. Do the same by going to him, and allow him to explain what happened. Listen to what he has to say and not to the bitterness in your heart. Yes, he disappointed you but haven't you also hurt someone before? The greatest tragedy would be for you to wonder in later years if you had done the right thing by refusing to listen to him. If at the end of the day, you are still convinced that you no longer love him, there is nothing stopping you from telling him so. He definitely cannot stop you from doing as you please but it is in your interest you give him a chance to talk things over.
Good luck.
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