Saturday, May 8, 2010

My Husband Has Changed Into A Beast

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for people like me who may never be able to reward you with any other thing but prayers. 

I have really suffered in my life. When I married my husband nine years ago, he was without any means of livelihood.

Despite objections from my people who felt I was marrying below my status and marrying a liability, I still went ahead with the marriage.

The first years were not easy. I gave birth to a set of twins exactly seven months after our wedding. We had no inkling I was expecting a set of twins until the day of delivery.

It meant I had to do another set of shopping for the other baby. It ate deep into my finances, fending for the twins and sustaining the family. My people refused to help because they were not impressed by the attitude of my husband and his family. Despite being aware of the fact that their son was jobless, they insisted that two of his siblings came to live with us immediately after the wedding. When I protested, he wondered if it was because he had no job, that if he were employed, it was his duty to train and cater for the welfare of his parents and siblings.

Against sound reasoning I allowed him to have his way. As if that was not enough, his mother brought his sister’s child to come and stay because there was nobody to look after her following the death of her parents.

When I pointed to the fact that we had only one income coming in, she retorted that if the situation were reversed would her son not care for my family and me? She went to the extent of telling me to use my parents’ money to better the lot of my in-laws. That money was meant to be spent not building numerous houses like my selfish father.

I was very hurt and didn’t know what to make of her remarks but because of the love I have for her son, I didn’t bother to reply her, besides my parents would never have supported me to be rude to my in-laws no matter what.

Whenever I complained about the wasteful nature of his people to my husband, he would beg me to ignore. To have peace in my house and since they helped with the children and housework, without prompting from my husband, I enrolled them into school. Overtime, their attitude changed for the better. In fact, they confessed that they didn’t know I was nice; that the impression they were given was that I was proud and rude.

They actually became my trusted allies and helped in changing their mother’s perception of me. It was from them I discovered that they got the wrong impression of me from what people said of my family because of their wealth.

At a point, the mother came to apologise too. We kept managing on my salary until my father agreed to help him get a job as one of the aide to one of the South West governors.

Agatha, I regret he did because he changed overnight. In addition to not coming home at all, he neglected the children and I. He found new friends he thinks are now superior to me and other members of the family. In the presence of his newfound friends, he talks down on me, orders me around and sometimes takes to calling me names.

Because of the burden I have had to bear alone, I have lost touch with modern fashion preferring instead to manage what I have so that the family can be comfortable, the quality clothes I have are from my mother.

To think my husband now engages in extramarital affairs to the extent he gives my lack of fashion sense as an excuse, hurts. His entire family is against him. I hear his mother has gone to the extent of going to his office to fight him. My parents are disappointed and would have ensured he loses the job but for my interference.

Agatha. I don’t know how to confront this problem. I am hopeless when it comes to prayers. Please help me. I really do have to do something to save my marriage from imminent collapse.

Adebimpe.


Dear Adebimpe,

What you have to do, in addition to learning how to pray and fast, is to change that wardrobe of yours. Since he is interacting with people who are fashion conscious and are the vogue of the moment, it is best to upgrade your look. 

Wallowing in self-pity would not help you at all, it is important you realise if you fail to do nothing about your looks; another woman is waiting in the wings to take him away from you. So, it is in your interest to look at your wardrobe, examine the areas that need to be changed and upgrade.

While I am not asking you to change your person, I am saying harmonise your look to conform with his current status so as to remain relevant in his life. So many factors add up to his present disposition.

Sometimes, we have to go the extra mile to mask from the public the challenges we daily face in our homes and lives. Your mode of dressing could be a reminder of a time he prefers to forget. Allow him to forget it by doing away with those items of clothing that take him back to that time.

You are right to have stopped your father from terminating his appointment. He of all people ought to know that not all of us are equally gifted with the strong will to be our own persons in a crowd of people. A lot of us are victims of the situations, circumstances and people we meet everyday.

Just as you are weak in prayers, your husband is weak in resisting his friends.

You would definitely win this battle if you learn to ask God for His interference through fasting and prayers. There is no marriage without problems; the difference is how we tackle them. A lot of us capitulate early because we don’t know what to do. What you are experiencing is nothing new, what is, would be the technique you apply to ensuring victory in your home. What should be of major concern is solving the problem. Help him with prayers not to fail and help your marriage with prayers to succeed. 

Continue to exercise patience and be civil to him. I know it is not easy given what you are going through in your marriage but don’t attempt to pay him back in his own coin. In marriages, one party does more of the sacrifices than the other.

Good luck.