Dear Agatha,
I am a frequent reader of your column and a 400-level student at the University of Port-Harcourt.
I am 22 years of age. There is this guy I met when I was in my 100 Level that claims to be in love with me. He is also in his 400 Level and 23 years of age. We have been friends since then and he has never ceased to profess his love for me till date.
However there is a slight problem in our relationship. Despite admiring and being fond of him, he doesn’t call me; this I find very annoying.
He is always saying he doesn’t have money to buy credit, a fact I find disputable as a result of his lifestyle. He stays in a very comfortable place in school, dresses well, owns a personal computer and uses a very good phone. He lives comfortably. I find it hard to believe he cannot buy N100 credit to call at least once a week just to say hi. The funniest part is that I call him regularly and he is always very happy whenever I call yet he cannot do the same.
I tried limiting my calls to him as well as visits, to see if he would be forced to call but he hasnot changed. We however chat online sometimes. How can you claim to love someone you cannot go out of your way to call at least once in two weeks? I sincerely do not understand that part. Aside this, he is very nice and friendly so much so everyone in school wants to be his friend but he prefers me as his special friend which is all right by me.
Angela.
Dear Angela,
Growing a relationship entails a lot of sacrifices. It goes beyond the chemistry that brought a couple together. Having studied him sufficiently to know one of his drawbacks is not to phone, concentrate on his good sides, that side of him that brings the best out of you. For both of you to have stayed together for three years shows that the relationship is meaningful to both of you. Despite the challenge of his refusal to call you, you both enjoy being in each other’s company.
There are still some people who simply don’t think phoning or sending text messages is necessary. They don’t think it is such a big deal at all and often than not wonder why their partners are making mountain out of molehills.
No matter how much you try to convince him on the need for him to keep the communication going, he will never really understand it the way you do because it is simply not his thing. You are the one that has to learn to accept him the way he is else you end up hurting yourself in the process of trying to reason out why he doesn’t take the pleasure of calling or sending you text messages. I appreciate it can be very frustrating especially if you are the kind that take delight in constantly talking to your mate but when one is in a relationship with a person whose communication habit is minus zero, it helps to try to accept things the way they are.
Relationship cannot be perfect because we all come in with inherent faults. It takes determination, selflessness, acceptance of the situation as well as patience to make the difference in a particular relationship. To help you get a better understanding of what you are expected to do, look at your own faults. What are they and how well is he learning to cope with it?
Imperfection is what makes us so unique and exciting.
To enjoy this relationship, look at what he has that you cannot get from another man, like his character strength, his support of you as well as the amount of respect he has for your person. There are issues that are oftentimes more important than those we play up in a relationship. As a woman I appreciate how you feel, making all the calls while he laps them all up, but when trying understand yourself, things like this are expected.
For now, don’t crowd the relationship with too many demands or expectations. Just take each day as it comes and learn first to be a good and understanding friend he obviously need now. At 23 and 22, friendship is what matters the most now.
Good luck.
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