Dear Agatha,
I am 30 years old and married. Our union is blessed with a son. During my Ordinary National Diploma (OND) programme I met a lady with whom I started an affair. When I noticed she was becoming too serious with me, I told her about my marital status. She cried endlessly for months but by that time my wife had given birth to our son. But for the birth of my child, I preferred this girl to my wife.
Last January, when my mother came to visit me, this lady was the one that took care of my mother. This is because my wife is in school with our son. I pay them regular visits. Because of the quality of care my mother received from her, she took to addressing her as my wife. This open acceptance by my mother gave this lady the assurance. This also brought me closer to her mother who accepted me with love.
In October, I travelled with her to visit my mother where she met my entire family members except my father, who didn’t see or know about her existence. Since then she has been in touch with my mother and siblings.
But, suddenly, my mother is singing a new song. She no longer desires my affair with this lady or is she in favour of my plans to marry her. This is difficult for me because she has built her life around me. She is submissive and does whatever I tell her to do. Whenever we have a misunderstanding, she never rests until we make up. To underscore her love for me, she said she doesn’t mind if I don’t eventually marry her but I should get her pregnant and that she would take care of the baby without putting any pressure on me. I don’t want to hurt her at all as she has threatened to kill us both if I leave her!
It is not as if I am afraid of her, but I love this lady to a fault.
Please help me because I can’t turn my back on her now but at the same time, I love my wife and would give up my life for my son.
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Why have you allowed yourself into this mess? Doesn’t this lady know you are married and still desperately trying to destroy another woman’s home?
In your wife’s shoes how would you feel?
You claim to love your wife and would do anything for your son, but how much are your words worth when you still insist on depriving her of your love and attention? What is your word worth as a father to this young child who has been left alone with his mother while you bring another woman to your home and take their place in your heart?
What is your word worth to a wife you promised to love and cherish when another takes her place on her matrimonial bed, soils the spiritual harmony of her home with her presence and stays in your house?
Frankly, you are not being fair to this woman and your child. It is obvious that you have lost all respect for her or you would not have done the abominable thing of bringing this woman into the home you share with her and introduced her to your mother as well as travelling with her to your village.
It is the height of disrespect and total disregard for her feelings and importance in your life. If she were your sister would you be happy at the flagrant display of contempt for her by the man she has a child for and who she is married to? Would you support the marital humiliation as your siblings and mother are supporting your treatment of your wife?
The marriage institution is a very delicate thing, one that is filled with so many unexpected turns of event. Today, the sound of your melody may sound so sweet; tomorrow it might be macabre, one you would regret ever starting.
While you reserve the right to do whatever you like with your life, change wives at will as you and your family deem fit, one thing stands out, unless you are clear about what you want from life, no woman would ever be able to make you happy.
This is because at every point in our lives there are always thousands of reasons why things should be done in another way.
If at 30 you are still unable to make up your mind about what you really want from life, then something is seriously wrong somewhere.
And, if you believe that once she gets pregnant she would quietly vacate your life and take charge of her baby alone, then you would believe anything. If at this point she is refusing to leave you, insists on killing herself and you if you try as much as think of leaving her and going back to your wife; what do you think would happen if she gets pregnant?
In your interest, don’t make this costly mistake of getting her pregnant. If you have never been clear about what you want until this point in your life, please be very definite about this else you might not be alive to tell the story of your life.
Unfortunately, you won’t be the only one to suffer the consequences of your adventure because when a woman gets desperate to keep a man she is a walking volcano and well of mischief.
Frankly, your continued fraternity with this lady not only exposes your weakness as a man but the innocent lives of your wife and son to danger.
Her offer to have your baby at all cost shows she is desperate and when a woman is desperate, she would stop at nothing to get what she wants. Granted, you deceived her into a relationship with you but decency and self-esteem should have made her terminate the relationship the instant she knew you were not available to love any other woman.
There is no marriage without challenges and the solution to these issues is not having an affair outside your home. Like you have experienced it also destroys the home.
Your mother must have realised the implication of supporting you to hurt your wife hence her withdrawal of support. Apart from pangs of conscience which she may have suffered, there might also be other things she may have observed to make her change her mind about the whole affair.
The ideal thing to do is to let go of her so that you can have the clarity of mind to think properly. There is no way you can ever see anything good in your wife with her constantly around you.
Be bold to tell her that you are no longer interested in her and wish to go back to your wife and child. Tell her that whatever challenges you are having with your wife, you wish to settle them with her.
Because your wife may have been told of the presence of this lady in your life, there is the need for you to go and see her.
Insist she comes home before telling her all about the other lady and all the details you think she should know. Telling her is to forestall the other woman or neighbours getting to her first.
Even if at the end of the day both of you decide to go your separate ways, let it be done in a very civilised way even though there is no problem that cannot be solved if there is a determination to.
By the time both of you sit down to discuss your differences; you will discover that with honesty and determination to make things work, you can pull your marriage out of the doldrums with the grace and mercy of God.
Good luck.
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