Dear Agatha,
I am in my mid 40s. Several years ago, my husband that fathered my two children and I went our different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Shortly after, he got married while I decided to remain single hoping he would one day come back to me.
Over the years, all attempts by me to re-establish contact with him were rebuffed. Either the wife or the husband would call back to insult me. Once I had reason to remind him that legally, the court hadn’t annulled our marriage, especially since we wedded in the Registry.
But over time, I soon forgot about her and my ex, giving them enough space to live their lives. Besides, I didn’t have any reason to go to him for anything since God was on my side, helping me with the children and also establishing me in other areas of my life.
Granted, the story of my life hasn’t been an easy one but at every difficult turn God has always been there for me.
Feelings and proposals have come and gone but none strong enough to entice me into matrimony again. With the children away in school, it has become glaring that I need a companion to fill the void the absence of the children has created within me.
This prompted me to consider my most recent proposal. We have tentatively fixed early next year for our wedding but now there is a complication as my ex husband’s friends are now appealing on his behalf. According to them, for a long time now he has come to the realisation that he made a fatal mistake abandoning our marriage and shunning me the way he did.
Now they want me to come back to him to help him build his life again. Although he has not come physically to beg, his friends say I should ignore the existence of the other woman in his house. That being his first wife and the mother of his first set of children, I owe it to my children and me to come back to my husband. When I told them of the existence of another man in my life as well as my planned wedding date, they said, it was best I come back to my first home because starting with another man means fighting fresh battles.
My family doesn’t support my going back to a man who doesn’t even have the guts to come on his own. His children who are both undergraduates too don’t want anything to do with their father.
Since leaving us, not once did he bother with the children. For almost two decades, their responsibilities have been mine alone to shoulder. Ordinarily I have a lot of reasons to ignore him but forced by the uncertainty of tomorrow to tarry to weigh my options carefully.
My new man is a widower with all his four children out of the nest. We have talked extensively about our differences and being more matured, have come to accept our shortcomings as an inevitable part of the package.
Deep down I prefer this older man given the history of my stormy marriage with my ex but I am still very confused and require your usual impartial opinion on this matter. All these matter of reconciliation began three months ago and till now my ex hasn’t come to see me personally on the matter.
Martha.
Dear Martha,
The choice is ultimately yours. It boils down to what would make you happier in the end hence you must listen to the music of your heart intensively to know the appropriate dance steps.
One thing you must never lose sight of is the fact that your ex hasn’t said anything on this matter. Only his friends appear to be the ones talking. If he is serious at all, he should be in the forefront of this reconciliatory bid, championing it and not his friends.
Whatever promises or assurances his friends are giving you would be implemented by him so why is he not part of the negotiation? There are issues like that of his current wife his friends cannot speak for him. For instance, he has to tell you personally how he intends settling both of you. Who packs in and who packs out if the idea of sharing your man appeals to you?
Frankly, getting rid of her isn’t going to be as easy as you think. Not only has she lived longer than you did with him but also has children whose interests too have to be factored into this development. While a man can send away his wife, he cannot turn his back on his children.
Besides, don’t ignore the fact that this woman would also have her supporters in the family who would resist any attempt to bring you back.
As a matter of fact, the challenge you would be facing with your ex would be enormous, as the woman in the house would fight to keep her territory intact. There is no way she and the children would allow you to come without putting up a fight even if you are his first wife.
Even though the argument of his friends seem valid that going back to your former would save you problems that would arise from marrying into a new family it isn’t also a guarantee against fresh and more dangerous spiritual and physical battles with your ex.
What you should do first is to look at both men. Beyond the issue his friends have raised to support your going back, do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to go back to him? Do you have any feeling for him at all? Do you think the situation that led to your separation has disappeared? Whatever reasons he may have for wanting to quit his second marriage shows that a lot of things aren’t too right about him. It would save you a lot of problems to find out why he seems to be fluctuating.
Alongside, look at the reasons your heart picked the new man out of the many that came your way. Something special and appealing about him must have arrested your heart to make you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
When put alongside with what you feel for your ex, which one comes top? Again you have to consider the possibility of mischief on the part of your ex and his friends who may be out to create confusion in order to stop you from being happy all through your life.
This is because the ideal thing would have been for your ex to sort things out with his current wife before coming to you. Coming to you while the other woman is still under his roof and ignorant of his move is a very tricky proposition that demands a lot of consideration on your path to avoid more pains later in life.
At this important stage in your life, your happiness is the most important thing. Don’t, out of sentiments, take a decision that would please people but end up causing you severe pains at the end of it all.
Honestly you need prayers and wisdom to get through with this. Go back to God and ask him through prayers what He expects of you because this is a very critical stage of your life, a second chance for you to be happy. You really owe it to yourself to be happy hence be bold enough to do what suits you the most. Remember you don’t have any apology at your age to offer to anybody.
Good luck.
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