Monday, March 15, 2010

Don’t Know What Girls Mean By ‘God Fearing Man’

Dear Agatha,

Well done for the good counselling you are giving to people. Even though, I sincerely believe that you need to use this great opportunity and avenue to draw people back and more to Biblical standards, and hence to God through Christ Jesus. Most, of these problems they keep telling you have already been solved in the Holy Scripture, The Bible. Moreover we are in the last days, rapture can take place any time now, you know. 

Before I conclude I need to get your view concerning an issue, which is, what do women really want? Every one of them says she needs a God fearing man, as the number one quality in a desired mate. But, when it comes to the real fear of God, according to the unadulterated standards of the Bible, like: 

• One must be saved (salvation) and experiences the transformation that makes one hate sin (being born again). 

• Believers (Christians) should not marry unbelievers. 1Corinthians7:39 ‘Only in the Lord’, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. 

• No partying (revelries) – Galatians 5:21, 1 Peter 4:3. 

 • No efffeminism / minism (i.e. no wearing of trousers by women, wearing of earrings by men, etc), Deuteronomy 5:22, 1Corinthians 6:9 KJV. 

• Show godliness inside out (no near nakedness and provocative dressings); Luke 6:45, 1Timothy 2:9-10. 

• Wonderfully, fearfully, marvellously, hence completely made, so no enhancement like weave-on, wigs, hair extensions, nail paint, lipstick Psalm 139:14, Isaiah 30:22. 

• No alcohol, cigar, cigarette, and Indian hemp e.t.c., Leviticus 10:9-10, Proverbs 20:11. 

• No love and craze for money, Proverbs 28: 20, 22, 1Timothy 6: 9-10. 

• Be an active member of a Bible believing church, Acts 2: 42, 1John 1:7. 

• No disobeying the Bible, no sin, no fornicating, adultery, touching a woman e.t.c, 1Corinthians 7:1, Galatians 5:19-21. 

And many more of such, they start complaining, shouting, pointing fingers, finally they chicken out and sneak out. What then is God fear mean to woman? A brother with the above mentioned believes is a no go area to a lot of women who are looking for good guys and God fearing men. What then is being God fearing?                

Bro Colin Aduah. 


Dear Bro. Colin Aduah, 

Being God fearing goes more than abiding by all that have been written. It is about being at peace with God and man as well as giving respect to the feelings of the other person. Who is a Christian and who is a born again? Can a house divided against itself and stand? The heart of man is in the hands of God, who sees all things.

Many a time, some people become obnoxious about their views to the extent they fail to see the qualities God Himself invested in the other person. God isn’t one to cause confusion among His children. Many Christians have today become Christians of doctrines, refusing to see anything good in any other person and always out to criticise and judge.

Our Lord Jesus Christ Himself said we should not judge to avoid being judged by God Himself. The Bible is also specific on the place of Wisdom in our relationship with God and people around us. If a man who wants a woman sees nothing good in her, always out to frustrate her efforts, reminds her of her mistakes rather than lovingly teach her the essence of Jesus coming, which in itself is entrenched in love and sacrifice, of what use is such a man to the woman?

The average woman wants to be appreciated, loved and supported by her man but in a situation where the Bible is used by the man interested in her as a weapon of condemnation rather than a shield of defence, protection, love, mercy, favour, grace and a signpost to the person of the awesomeness of God, then it goes without saying that such a relationship wouldn’t work. It is this very attitude of insensitivity that is causing problems among the body of Christ, when doctrines are put high and above the teachings of Christ, when condemnation takes over from patience and selfless, when God’s wisdom are neglected for self-righteousness. If we are all to go before God the way we are, none of us will withstand the fury and guilty verdict of God. We are all here because of the grace His blood offers.

To appreciate the other person more, a lot of us have to learn to extent this grace to our loved ones to change. Change isn’t something that is enforced, but gently negotiated.

When a woman demands for a God fearing one, she is not looking for perfection or a saint but a man who knows what it is like to make mistakes, fall and rise to the glory of God. She is looking for a man whose heart is in tune with God, who is patient, selfless, loving, caring, understanding, loyal and above all her friend. Who will in love correct her and not one who is forever pointing out her faults? She is looking for one who knows laws were made for man and not man for the laws and that God in His infinite wisdom has not made us slaves to the law, but freeborn to exercise the laws to the glory of His name. 

A woman wants a man who will first of all treat her as human being who has the powers to think and make wise decisions and not one who has to wait to be given orders before she can move. She wants a man who will always be there for her and not one who is full of doctrines and lacking in knowledge of what it is like to be a friend and partner as well as the real fear of God in his heart. There is a huge line of difference between having real fear of God and doctrinal fear of God. Real fear comes from knowledge borne out of a personal relationship with God as opposed to that fear premised on doctrines without the naked experience of the nature and person of God. The man who has the real fear of God is the kind of man who has the heart that appeals to the woman because his actions would be guided by wisdom and knowledge of God.

On not using this page to draw people to Biblical Standards, I don’t know what you mean by that, but one thing you should appreciate is, this page isn’t religious. I deal with both Christians and none Christians alike. I also deal with those who don’t belong to any of the major religions. 

I try my best to be fair to my conscience in line with my faith in Jesus by striving to be balanced in my submissions to all those who entrust me with the aches of their hearts. 

Good luck. 

How Do I Avoid Women Forever?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your concern towards people’s problems. To be frank, I don’t want any girl in my life for now because many girls have hurt me beyond measure. 

The question I want to ask now is whether it is possible for me to avoid women completely? 

Okey.


Dear Okey, 

Hearts are meant to be broken, but also to be mended. There is hardly an adult heart that hasn’t gone through the process of disappointments, pains and rejections. These are what toughens a heart, gives it character, history and values. 

The process of dating is a game, one which one either emerges as the victor or the loser. When one loses, good wisdom demands you move on, take stock of your mistakes with the view of avoiding those mistakes in a subsequent relationship. 

God created us to exist in pairs, and unless you are sworn to celibacy, there is no way you can avoid women. 

The issue here is not the women, but the kinds you seem to be attracted to. What kind of women appeal to you? What kind of woman do you think have the power and qualities to keep you happy? Chances are your choice of women is the one bringing you so much disappointment. There is no way you will not be having the same problems with these women if they all have the same qualities.

Therefore, to help you come out of these disappointments, there is the need for you to go after a different kind of woman, very dissimilar to the ones you are used to. To achieve this, look beyond what she looks like on the outside to what she is in the inside; look for her strength of character, her person and passion. A woman beautiful inside will always be considerate, never deliberately hurt her partner, avoid what makes the partner unhappy and will always put the interest of her partner first before her own.

Unfortunately, it takes more than a passing interest to recognise this kind of woman, it takes dedication on the part of the man to discover the hidden qualities of this woman. To meet this kind of woman requires you begin by offering her friendship. This way you offer yourself the rare opportunity of seeing and knowing her as a person before going into a relationship with her. 

Friendships enable a couple to begin without the pressure of trying to impress at all cost. When a woman knows the man is seizing her up for a relationship, there is the tendency for her to hide her true nature, but in a friendship, she is relaxed enough to reveal her true nature. 

By the time you know what actually gives you happiness in a woman, you will be more than ready to forget all the pains of your previous mistakes and give yourself the chance to make the right choice.

Good luck. 

Essentials Of Marriage For Born-again Couple, Please…

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed and encouraged by your pieces of advice to people. I really commend you for the great job. God bless you as you keep it up. 

But please pardon me. I want to know if you are a born again. And as a young man aspiring to marry, I want to know the most important thing in marriage.

Curious Man.


Dear Curious Man, 

On the issue of being born again, I want to say this, I have a very close relationship with God, one that makes me want to submit to His will at all times. Even though I slip occasionally, I know His grace is sufficient to see me through, and that my rough edges are daily undergoing His fine-tuning.

I say this because I know that being born again has become more a religious fashion than a real attempt at establishing a lifetime relationship with one in control of heaven and earth. The most important thing about marriage remains one’s conviction to stay married no matter the circumstances of the marriage. 

From this early, get prepared for any eventuality you may find yourself in when you get married, because marriage has a way of turning out to be very different from what we thought it to be. Unlike the distant image of perfection we have of marriage, it is often windy, steeply, turbulent, traumatic, disappointing and above all plenty of sacrifices as well as adjustments to ensure its survival.

Unlike the bread and butter image we have of it, marriage is more like a bitter-leaf experience. It takes plenty of tolerance, dedication and hard work to get to its sweet end. 

That you love a person doesn’t mean that person is incapable of hurting or causing you pains. This is one thing you must always have at the back of your mind. The one who today appears to be perfect for you could after marriage turn out to be a monster, just as you are capable of changing from all the good things to bad things. These changes are often not planned for. There are a lot of stresses in marriage capable of causing these dramatic changes in one’s thinking and attitudes. 

The thing is when these things come, they should be treated as subjects, not as major problems. Usually the solution to every challenge in life is the perception we have of it. The label we give it often than not influences the results we get. If given a label of impossibility, it ends up remaining irresolvable, no matter what others around say or do to help the situation.

Therefore, for you to have a happy marriage, have a broad mind, one, which will enable you give every problem its proper categorisation with a view of sorting it out amicably. Failure to compartmentalise a problem, deal and trash it before it gets infested with viruses will only at the end of the day slow down whatever efforts you and your partner are making in other areas to grow and stabilise the union. This is where the Bible’s principle comes in to never allow any issue goes beyond the dusk of that day. Having agreed to spend the rest of your lives together, you both must have the necessary commitment and boldness to confront any issue head-on.  

Another thing that must be appreciated for a marriage to work well is the differences in our persons. Before being part of a couple, you are first a human being, one whose ways of life is set along certain lines as a result of the cultural, social, moral and religious values of the family one emerges from. Knowing that these differences have to be accommodated at every point in time is one of the keys to the success of marriage. These differences are meant to give a relationship or marriage its unique character, hence wise couple have learnt to weave them together to their advantage. 

Also, you must learn the act of being faithful now. It is imperative to the success of a couple’s stay together. There is no way your wife would respect and trust you if you are constantly caught with other women or known to be a liar. Over time, you risk losing your leadership role as the head of the house due to persistent acrimony between you and your wife over unfulfilled promises resulting from infidelity. 

You must at all time see your mate as your best friend, one who has your best interest at heart hence must know everything, including money matters. For this reason, when looking for a life partner, care should be taken to look beyond the physical beauty of that person to what the person has within. The inside qualities are the things that give a person the strength of character to make positive changes in his or her environment. This is what envelops the commitment aspect of any one.

Above all, marriage is tolerance, sacrifices, endurance, patience, understanding, faith, loyalty, mutual respect and responsibility. A marriage laced with suspicions lacks the right foundation to stand the test of time. 

Good luck. 


Is Age A Barrier To Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with this girl in my workplace. Our relationship is about four months old. In December last year, I went to her place to meet with her family while I took her in to meet with my parents.

All this while, I didn’t bother to ask her age because she looks young but later I discovered she is older than me. But the truth is that I love her for who she is and we love each other. Is age a barrier to marriage?

Stanley


Dear Stanley, 

As long as the two of you are comfortable with it, there is nothing wrong in both of you getting married. Love and friendship are usually what make the major difference in bringing two people together.

The challenge is in both of you learning to adjust to the roles your gender foists on you within the marriage set-up. Being younger than she is in age doesn’t make you the subservient partner. Irrespective of her age, you must take the headship of the family by acting your role as husband to her, the children through the provision for the welfare of the family. 

You must at all times provide her with the right kind of leadership in her life and home. 

However, in taking charge of your home, you must accord her respect as your wife, taking care not to hurt her or make references to the differences in your ages. For you to get respect from her, you must not only respect her, but you must also be seen to be responsible. 

To help you maintain a fair balance in your home, you must learn about the nature of the average woman. This will help you tremendously to put things in their proper perspective when she says or does things that have the colouration of insubordination or insults. By refusing to attribute her attitude to the age differences between the two of you, you give your marriage the opportunity and elasticity to grow naturally. You must appreciate wisdom isn’t about age but the maturity and fairness we apply to issues. 

For you to earn her respect, learn to treat her fairly. It is only then she can give you the right kind of respect you deserve and need to function as a man. Generally, the major and perhaps one of the first sets of problems in relationships come when the man tries to force respect from the woman without first putting the structures of earning it in place. 

For your relationship to work well, you must work to earn your respect. In addition, being the younger party, you must develop the ability to carry the relationship well. For instance, some of your friends and family members would always demand to know why you favour an older woman when there are younger women around. Some of your mischievous peers can be very mean in trying to persuade you to follow the crowd. Learn from this early to develop the concomitant pride in your choice, partner and marriage to keep friends off your back. 

To achieve this, you must be sure she is the right kind of woman for you; the kind who can keep you excited and interested in her company for as long as you both live. 

From this early time, you must understand each other’s wants, desires, dreams and plan as clearly as possible. It is only then both of you can have a united front to confront the challenges of two strangers coming together.

At all times you must be ready to protect her from people within your family who may want to remind her of being older than you. 

However, everything rests in the hands of God who both of you must go to seek wisdom and direction.

Good luck.  


Your Valentine’s 

Column So Moving 


Dear Agatha,

You simply made me cry in your Valentine’s Day edition of your column. I am a very lonely heart who has been searching for genuine relationship; for that special someone. I should say that that edition was simply dedicated to me only. Thank you so much because you seem to know exactly how it feels to be in that position for a long time at that. 

Also, I thank you for publishing the article by Obienyem who wrote from Awka. “Valentine’s Day: Time to promote Love”. That was such a beautiful piece.

If it is not against the ethics, would you please be magnanimous enough to let me have his email address. I wouldn’t mind dropping some few lines for him.

Many Thanks

Peace.


Dear Peace, 

We glad to be of help. I am also sure, Obienyem is reading this and would get to you if he so desires.

Agatha.




My Husband Impregnated My Cousin, Wants To Keep It

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me because I am in trouble. I brought my 18-year-old cousin to stay with me last year when I could no longer cope with the house chores and my job. 

One of the conditions my aunty gave before allowing her to come with me is that I should send her to a catering school. 

Because of the prohibitive cost of doing so, I persuaded her to wait until this year before she can begin. Due to the demands of my job, I completely entrusted her with my family, allowing her to do the cooking, washing and looking after my home. 

I didn’t know anything was going on in my home until I discovered that my cousin was about four months pregnant. She initially didn’t want to tell me whose pregnancy it was until I threatened to send her back to the village. She finally told me my husband is responsible. My husband didn’t bother to deny responsibility of the pregnancy. 

I would have gone ahead to abort the pregnancy but my husband is insisting otherwise. According to him, it is bad enough that he has committed the unpardonable act of sleeping with my cousin but to abort the life of an innocent child is something he isn’t prepared to do. 

He is pleading with me to forgive him and allow the girl give birth to the child, collect the child and send the girl to further her education in a neighbouring country to give her another lease of life. He claimed he forced himself on the girl on one of those nights I was away on official duties and didn’t know what came over him. According to both of them, that was the only time. Besides, he found her to be a virgin. It is for this reason he is insisting on her having the child and has a matter of fact gone to report the matter to his family. His mother, who has never liked me and I suspect must have a hand in all this, is insisting too that the girl be allowed to keep the pregnancy and that she would take over the care of the child. She said the deed has been done and that there is nothing we can do about it anymore. 

Agatha, I am so confused. My friends are suggesting that I do it behind my husband’s back. Give her some drugs that would terminate the pregnancy. The thought of my cousin having a child for my husband is more than I can tolerate. Besides, how do I tell her mother and mine? How was I to know that bringing my cousin would cause problems in my home? Even though my husband claimed he forced her into it, shouldn’t she have told me when I came back?

I feel like killing her. Please help me. What do I do? Quit my home for her, which under the present circumstances appears to be the intentions of my mother-in-law, who is maintaining her stance that my cousin be allowed to give birth to the child.


Tolulope.


Dear Tolulope, 


Don’t complicate this situation by involving your mother-in-law in a matter you carelessly created in your home. If you insist on involving your mother-in-law in this matter, you may at the end of the day lose your home to your cousin completely. 

Your husband’s mother may not have liked you from the beginning but under the present situation, she is doing her best to manage an already bad situation. She is clearly not the problem here.

As a mother, there is no way she can support abortion. Offering to take care of the child is her way of ensuring you aren’t constantly reminded of the betrayal of your husband and cousin. She is right, the deed has been done. At four months, you will be sending that girl to her grave if you insist on terminating the pregnancy. Besides, being her first experience, getting pregnant and the attendant commotion that it is all generating, making her go through an abortion may damage her for life. As it is, she has a lot going on through her mind. It is one thing to be out to lure a man into one’s bed, it is another thing to have one’s body defiled by a trusted man. If your husband admits to forcing her into the act, you can imagine her state of mind before the act and after it. To have to carry the physical evidence of that forceful and very shameful act is capable of making a woman who isn’t strong emotionally develop a lifetime psychological problem. 

Painful and embarrassing as the situation is for you, don’t do anything that would further drive this girl emotionally and mentally. In her state, she needs care and love; so do the sensible thing of allowing her go to stay with your mother-in-law. Yes, you may be the one hurting now but this girl is the victim of your own carelessness as a wife and your husband’s inability to control himself. You used this girl to fill and execute your functions as a wife, mother, and caretaker of your home while your husband used her to satisfy his animalistic urges.

Were you around on that night, he wouldn’t have found solace in the arms of this girl. The fact that your official responsibilities kept you away from performing your wifely duties opened the door to this temptation for your husband. In that sense, you are liable for not being there when your husband needed your warmth. 

Granted, today’s women have to work to help keep the family together financially but many of the choices we make come with painful consequences. 

You must, along the line, have taken certain things for granted. For your husband to have wanted you so desperately that night is a signal that you have been neglecting the important aspect of your marriage and womanhood. Had you satisfied him sufficiently before taking off, he may not have been so pressed to do it with your cousin. If he were that promiscuous, it wouldn’t have been just that night. A man whose wife knows her onions wouldn’t exhibit that level of desperation, he would have been able to wait the few days you were away. 

Because of the evidence of what he has done, it is very easy to brand him as the one at fault but if you are truthful and serious about resolving the salient problems within your marriage, you will use this incidence as a springboard for redeeming your marriage from the many issues you have hitherto ignored. 

To help you put things in their proper perspective, do you consider your husband as one whose libido is insatiable? In the years you have known him, married him, has he ever given you reason to regret having him for a husband? How often has he complained about your neglect of him? When travelling for your official assignments, how much time do you devote to him privately? What quality of sex and attention do you give him? 

You see, it is all right for women to argue the point that if women can abstain from sex for a long time, men should be able to too. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case in real life. Men are excited by what they see and with the number of pretty and near nude women parading the streets everyday, many men have more than enough to cope with. a wise woman wouldn’t be so careless to leave her man for long without first making sure he has enough of her to last the period of her stay. 

We know that some men, no matter what their women do to stop them from straying would still stray, but the issue here is for the woman to do her best at all times.

Trust must have made you rely so much on your cousin but again this is the mistake many women make. It is always risky to leave a grown girl in the house alone with one’s man. Anything can happen from the blues. It is within the nature of man to misbehave. 

Don’t listen to your friends. Keep them out of this because their kind of counsel isn’t what you need now.  

Prevail on your mother-in-law and husband to go with you to see your family members. Allow your husband and his mother do all the talking to protect you from unguarded utterances that might further inflame the situation or cause further division within your own family. 

Believe me; the option of your mother-in-law and husband remains the best. 

God will heal you in His own time and season. Don’t for now try to do it on your own. Allow the tears to flow because you have been hurt but don’t allow those tears blind you to the begging issues in your marriage, which this problem has unearthed. Facing them would move your marriage to the next level. Sometimes, issues like this are just God’s way of reminding us of our own follies.


Good luck.