With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me resolve this riddle in my life. Three years ago, I got called by God, though on a part-time basis.
I head one of the most successful branches of one of the leading second generation banks in the Niger-Delta areas in the country.
I was 40-year-old two months back. Right from my secondary school days, I have never had problems attracting members of the opposite sex.
I had the looks every average woman wanted but one trend began early in my life, the girls came all right, but I always had difficulties keeping them for more than two months at a go.
Something would always come up to either make them terminate the relationship, or I walk out on them.
I didn’t attribute anything to it until in my later years when all my friends began to settle down. It became more obvious when my elder brother of about five years difference too was struggling to keep a relationship. Till date he too is unmarried and has no child to call his own, at the time when some of his friends had stopped childbirth.
Before I completely gave my life to Christ, somebody told my brother and I when we accompanied our eldest sister to the village that something was wrong with the males in our family.
He said my father was the only male in the family who managed to keep a home and that was because my mother was a very strong Christian before she died.
Naïvely we thought it was just a normal spell of bad luck because we were among the most read and successful in our village.
Things however became clearer when I became born-again. Severally, I have been told in several crusades I have attended that my paternal grandfather was the cause of the problems my brother and I were going through. He had three sons and none of their male children is presently married.
However, recently after several prayers, I had this revelation in which I saw my grandfather maltreating a woman who swore to deal with his male children.
While I was still thinking of how to handle this problem, I met a lady quite by accident. She had come to my bank to transact a business. Since it was huge, she was brought in to see me.
Somehow we got talking and became quite close. Although she told me she was into event managing, I later got to know what sort of events she was really managing. To my dismay, I discovered her real interest was supplying girls to rich public officers.
Being a Christian, I wanted to withdraw from her but something kept me back. She is 10 years younger than I am.
I tried introducing her to Christ. Although she didn’t reject me out-rightly but she hadn’t given up her lifestyle either. She smokes, drinks and still engages in sex with these men for money in addition to providing them with other girls.
The real reason, I want your help is this: my prayer partners recently told me while they were praying that a message came that I must marry this lady else I would never marry in my life.
Honestly, the issue is not whether or not for now to marry the lady but the attitude of the church. My district pastor, after my discussion with him on the matter said it would rub off on the church as well as my growth in the ministry negatively because of the reputation of the lady.
He said it would jeopardise the church if I as parish pastor end up marrying a woman who is publicly known as a prostitute. He gave me the ultimatum to either quit the leadership of the church or let go of whatever ambition I have to marry this lady.
Because of his attitude and to be sure of the situation of things, I had to take time off my work for a few days to be alone with God and to get confirmation from Him.
I actually got my answer on the first day of my programme. The message was clear: she is the woman meant for me and that I would be the one to change her. That it is only after I have done that successfully, I can only enjoy the immense benefit of being married to her. It was further revealed to me that marriage to any other woman would only end in ruins for me.
To ensure I was hearing and seeing the right things, I went for help from other men of God who also confirmed it.
Now the issue is this, how do I present this woman to my family? How do I convince the leadership of the church to change their mind about their decision? Where do I begin the process of building trust in her?
What do I even tell the lady? How do I handle her because she appears set in her ways? With the kind of money she is making from her business would she ever let go of it to settle down with me as a wife? I know I earn good money but when compared to what she rakes in a day, my salary is nothing.
Please help me. Having waited this long, I really want to get things right with God and man. I don’t also know whether to quit my present church and go elsewhere. I am really hurt and disappointed at the lack of support, guidance and understanding I deserve on this issue. Isn’t the church supposed to provide support for confused minds? If I, as a servant of God is this confused, how much more an ordinary man?
Lucky.
Dear Lucky,
If God has spoken on this issue, allow Him to do it His own way. There is no rushing His time or helping Him because He is neither too late nor too early but always on time.
At His own appointed time, He would iron out all rough edges.
Don’t forget, the choice of the lady for you, as a wife, is His. He knows why He is insisting you marry her and gave you the warning to exercise patience for now by giving her all the support she needs to change. Love is a tonic. It can change a whole lot of things. No matter how rich or tough a woman is, she still needs love and the presence of a man in her life makes her completely whole. Only a man can fully compliment a woman, bring about that deep satisfaction right inside of her, and tap into the essence of her total being. A woman who is secured in the love of a man can do anything for the man.
Once you are able to earn her trust, convincing her to accept you into her life permanently would naturally end her trade.
She knows that the moment she gives you her answer to be your woman, whatever businesses she is doing on the side with all these other men would have to stop. It is a natural process that needs no hard work to achieve once there is genuine love on your parts.
Usually, it comes to a point in a woman’s life especially, when money isn’t all that matters. She is 30 years of age. The time has come in her life when money alone cannot bring her the joy she really need in life. She may appear to be enjoying the power and affluence of her trade but a woman is never really happy when she wakes up each morning to the realisation that her biological clock isn’t a respecter of how much she has in the bank or influenced by the power she wields.
To be frank, she may not be happy at what she is doing and may be waiting for the right man to help bring about the peace and sanity she lost when she went into this line of business. Sleeping with different kinds of men, no matter how rich they are, isn’t the average woman’s idea of happiness and contentment.
Even if you are not being mandated by God to marry her, as a
Christian you owe it to the body of Christ to help put her on the right path. The same understanding you would have given her as her pastor is what is now required of you as a prospective husband.
You trusted in Jesus Christ, that is why you agreed to follow a man you have never met physically but only read about. This is the same unconditional trust that is now required of you to take on this woman as your wife. You just must trust in the words of God that have come through several sources including you, that she is the only woman for you. To get to the honey you must first get past the bees. You must first show her that you are capable of loving her unconditionally despite the evidences of her lifestyle to make her reciprocate positively in your life.
The quality of the foundation you offer her today is what she would give in years to come – that time when you would really need a supportive wife to build your ministry and life. The attitude of the church is only God’s way of preparing you for the future. Of telling you that, you need a strong home base to fight a battle successfully.
Your pastor and church aren’t in support of your situation because they don’t share in your vision. Whereas, if you have a wife at home who shares in your vision, your ministry may not suffer this temporary setback because your wife would give you the strength others are denying you to excel.
Marriage is ultimately a personal thing. Marry the wrong person and be doomed. However, even if everybody says someone is wrong for you and the person turns out to be the right one for you, whatever happens, the home would be a haven of peace to always return to.
For this reason, insist on pleasing God and displeasing man. More often than not the things that please God are the very things that offend man.
As for leaving the church, it isn’t a decision for you to make. First ask God and allow Him to so direct you because leaving a place He has not asked you to leave comes with heavy consequences, some with very fatal results. As a man of God you should learn to exercise extreme patience and sensitivity to the things of the spirit to avoid costly but avoidable mistakes.
The way out is for you to continue to pray and to imbibe the spirit of obedience at all times even when the instructions appear very confusing. Remember, His ways are never ours so we cannot question Him on what He wants.
Good luck.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Any veracity in the concept of ‘real love’?
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to ask you if real love exists?
Peter.
Dear Peter,
Without love there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love.
Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends.
What are however different are the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.
However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.
Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.
The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you.
Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others.
For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.
There is no way love can make you happy if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion; in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all, the person must understand why God created love.
God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically.
This is the mystery of love; why we love a particular person and prefer to be friends with another kind of person.
Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations; He gave love to help us to relax, shape the world and improve on our environment.
When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.
Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible.
There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them.
This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.
Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.
So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it.
If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are, you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way.
To help you appreciate love, first look at what your totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals are superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attract like minds.
Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.
Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.
Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.
Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in gold. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real and fake.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to ask you if real love exists?
Peter.
Dear Peter,
Without love there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love.
Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends.
What are however different are the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.
However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.
Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.
The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you.
Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others.
For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.
There is no way love can make you happy if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion; in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all, the person must understand why God created love.
God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically.
This is the mystery of love; why we love a particular person and prefer to be friends with another kind of person.
Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations; He gave love to help us to relax, shape the world and improve on our environment.
When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.
Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible.
There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them.
This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.
Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.
So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it.
If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are, you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way.
To help you appreciate love, first look at what your totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals are superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attract like minds.
Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.
Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.
Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.
Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in gold. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real and fake.
Good luck.
She’s engaged, yet I’m crazy for her
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I so much appreciate how you solve people’s problems. It is only God that will reward you.
I am seriously in love with a girl that has a fiancé she told me about from the beginning. I still decided to pursue my relationship with her because of the love I have for her.
But I am increasingly becoming jealous of the other man in her life especially as he has proposed to her. She told me she has accepted his proposal. The whole thing is too emotional for me to handle.
Although I have made up my mind to forget everything about her and the man, but I am finding it very difficult standing by that decision. No girl seems to have the power to attract my attention.
Agatha, I need your help, because any time I see her I feel like dying.
Emey.
Dear Emey,
You are the architect of your present predicament. Why on earth would you still go ahead with a woman who confessed having another man in her life?
Try putting yourself in the other man’s position. How would you feel if she were your fiancée?
What you did wasn’t right. Even though the girl’s conduct calls to question her moral values and ability to keep faith with her man, the fact remains that you shouldn’t have encouraged her to be unfaithful knowing that a woman you fall in love with is also capable of treating your love with similar disdain.
What goes around always have a way of coming around! Relationship should be premised on faithfulness and loyalty to one’s partner no matter the condition. Egging her on to break her oath of allegiance to her man due to your own selfish reasons has its drawback and could also creep in on you when you are most happy. Would you have still insisted she dated you if they were legally married? So why didn’t you allow her be when she told you about her man?
If you had you would have since found that special woman to give you the type of happiness you want. What you have done to yourself is to waste precious time on a woman who doesn’t understand the complete essence of being in love and having a relationship.
Deep inside is that the type of woman you really want? One you are not sure would be faithful to you; who could be having an affair behind you? Look deeper, is she really worth your tears and pains? Is she really the type of woman capable of making you happy? Would you at the end have been happy being with her?
So it isn’t just a matter of you finding the right kind of woman but also that of knowing precisely what you want in life.
Sincerely, your desire for a woman is still premature. Until you sit back to study your own needs, your desires for yourself as well as the type of woman to help you attain such dreams, you may end up again with the wrong kind of woman.
Relationship is like writing an examination. Only adequate and intelligent investment of time into the process of preparation can procure the right kind of results. Without you first helping to point yourself at the direction to go, you risk coming up with a choice that would further disillusion you about love altogether.
You took a gamble on love and it failed you. Despite the propriety of the merits of your relationship with her, you must be hurting from all these and seeing her often with the other man would for now bring back painful memories of your loss.
Move away, even if temporarily from the environment you both shared. One of the greatest emotions to handle in life is that of love gone sour. The pains are always deep, sharp and enduring. You need the help of another kind of love, those of your loved ones to help neutralise the pains of today. Seeing her and mourning the love you would have shared with her may make it difficult for you to focus on yourself and another woman.
However, it is important you beg for forgiveness from God to avert the greater pains of another man doing what you did to this other man. He may not have been aware of your relationship with his woman but God is.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I so much appreciate how you solve people’s problems. It is only God that will reward you.
I am seriously in love with a girl that has a fiancé she told me about from the beginning. I still decided to pursue my relationship with her because of the love I have for her.
But I am increasingly becoming jealous of the other man in her life especially as he has proposed to her. She told me she has accepted his proposal. The whole thing is too emotional for me to handle.
Although I have made up my mind to forget everything about her and the man, but I am finding it very difficult standing by that decision. No girl seems to have the power to attract my attention.
Agatha, I need your help, because any time I see her I feel like dying.
Emey.
Dear Emey,
You are the architect of your present predicament. Why on earth would you still go ahead with a woman who confessed having another man in her life?
Try putting yourself in the other man’s position. How would you feel if she were your fiancée?
What you did wasn’t right. Even though the girl’s conduct calls to question her moral values and ability to keep faith with her man, the fact remains that you shouldn’t have encouraged her to be unfaithful knowing that a woman you fall in love with is also capable of treating your love with similar disdain.
What goes around always have a way of coming around! Relationship should be premised on faithfulness and loyalty to one’s partner no matter the condition. Egging her on to break her oath of allegiance to her man due to your own selfish reasons has its drawback and could also creep in on you when you are most happy. Would you have still insisted she dated you if they were legally married? So why didn’t you allow her be when she told you about her man?
If you had you would have since found that special woman to give you the type of happiness you want. What you have done to yourself is to waste precious time on a woman who doesn’t understand the complete essence of being in love and having a relationship.
Deep inside is that the type of woman you really want? One you are not sure would be faithful to you; who could be having an affair behind you? Look deeper, is she really worth your tears and pains? Is she really the type of woman capable of making you happy? Would you at the end have been happy being with her?
So it isn’t just a matter of you finding the right kind of woman but also that of knowing precisely what you want in life.
Sincerely, your desire for a woman is still premature. Until you sit back to study your own needs, your desires for yourself as well as the type of woman to help you attain such dreams, you may end up again with the wrong kind of woman.
Relationship is like writing an examination. Only adequate and intelligent investment of time into the process of preparation can procure the right kind of results. Without you first helping to point yourself at the direction to go, you risk coming up with a choice that would further disillusion you about love altogether.
You took a gamble on love and it failed you. Despite the propriety of the merits of your relationship with her, you must be hurting from all these and seeing her often with the other man would for now bring back painful memories of your loss.
Move away, even if temporarily from the environment you both shared. One of the greatest emotions to handle in life is that of love gone sour. The pains are always deep, sharp and enduring. You need the help of another kind of love, those of your loved ones to help neutralise the pains of today. Seeing her and mourning the love you would have shared with her may make it difficult for you to focus on yourself and another woman.
However, it is important you beg for forgiveness from God to avert the greater pains of another man doing what you did to this other man. He may not have been aware of your relationship with his woman but God is.
Good luck.
Re: She wants wedding
Share a problem With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I must say I bless God for using you to solve our problems since there is no greater job on earth than service to humanity. I pray God bless the work of your hands.
The above is the title of the initial letter I sent and your advice, which I applied. I called and asked her to tell me what her fears are. She said the age difference is too close, which I find very disturbing. Her other worry has to do with her parents who were transferred to my state, some years ago.
They built a house in my Local Government Area and work there. However, they don’t want their daughter marrying anybody from my state or the east for that matter.
I am surprised because her parents are both educated. Last week, I called to know her final decision from our discussion. She told me she plans to settle down next year whenever a man proposes to her or asks her out. I thought I could be patient but it seems with every passing day, I am fighting a lost battle.
I realise she is a woman and time is not a friend to women, but don’t you think something is not right here? She’ll be 23 and so desperate to settle down. I sent her your recent article, ‘Marriage: An institution no man graduates’. It’s really hard for me because all my dreams and plans are around the wonderful family and life I plan to have with her.
Again, you advised that when we get married we can still achieve a lot of things, but at 25, I am studying abroad and depend on my people for money.
Even when I finish next year, I still have to serve before looking for a job, that is, if I don’t further my study immediately.
Honestly, I love this girl so very much and was under the impression that she felt the same way about me, a fact I am beginning to doubt.
If she was able to stay for five years, why is she so much in a hurry when she knows I will be back next year?
I wish her luck in her search but it has not been easy for me and my examination comes up in January. I am not a bad loser, but it hurts badly knowing that one day, the woman I so much cherish and adore, would be walking down the aisle with another man is killing me gradually.
She noticed that I am trying to withdraw from her. I am really devastated because she cannot wait for me to succeed. Please, Agatha, help me to handle this.
How do I forget her? How do I go about it? And if you think I should hold on, where do I start?
Troubled Mind.
Dear Troubled Mind,
There is always a time and season for everything in life. In life, unless one is wise and determined enough to give each season its due recognition and attention, chances are such a person would end up in regrets. You have spent valuable time, energy, and resources preparing for this moment. Your immediate task is to concentrate on passing your examinations. All your years in abroad, money spent on your education as well as your efforts would be a complete waste if you don’t come out successfully in this examination.
The challenge before you now isn’t for your heart but your life. Once you are able to make the decision to concentrate on your passing your examinations, the issue of your heart will fall into place.
Granted, you love her but it would be a fatal mistake to love anyone at the expense of your life, which is exactly what you would be doing if you don’t pull yourself together instantly and focus on reading for your final examinations.
This is the important phase of your life. Your happiness and success as a man is tied to what you make of this important time in your life. While you can fall in love again, it might not be easy for you to have this opportunity again. Remember, time waits for no one.
From all you have said, you and this lady may really not be destined for each other. Having taken the steps of talking to her, give her the space to do what she wants. It will be on record that you did your best to preserve the relationship and that you didn’t disappointment her.
She has her reasons for wanting to get married this early in life and like you rightly observed, there are things you still have to do, put in place before you can be any woman’s husband. Failure to properly plan your life will definitely affect you later in life especially if the children begin to come before you found your feet. If she cannot understand and appreciate the essence of planning now, she never will.
Marriage is more than two of you walking down the aisle; it takes a lot more to get it started. The fun and illusion end with both of you signing the dotted lines. Reality begins almost immediately. If as a man, you are unable to provide her with some measure of comfort and secure her daily means, you risk losing her respect as well as of her family.
On your shoulders as the man lies the responsibility of providing for the family you intend to start with her. Do you think you have all that it takes to be her husband?
Chances are that even if you succeed in making her change her mind now, she may not have the needed patient at the end of the day to wait for you to be ready for marriage.
This is why you must think deeply. Ideally, she should be by your side now that you are preparing for your final examinations, but if she has decided to become impatient, allow her be to give you the peace of mind to study and pass your examinations.
Besides, you need the concentration to avoid remembering her. Chances are by the time you are finished with your examinations, you may have forgotten how much she has hurt you.
Her attitude has given you a good reason to evaluate your relationship vis-à-vis your outlook to life. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be in love with the right person. Do you think she has what it takes to give you the kind of support to make you happy at the end of the day?
In addition, how well do you know the nature of this woman? Don’t forget that, she cannot be the same woman you knew five years ago. Both of you have understandably matured, developed new views about life as well as acquired new values.
She may look the same, but deep inside her, she certainly cannot be the woman you left five years ago. New friends and life would have coloured her life differently from the way she was when you left. Just like you too would have changed from the man you were.
If you decide to stay on in the relationship, there is the need for both of you to really talk about the growth of the relationship. This may be the real challenge in your relationship. Your five years apart have definitely left lots of mysteries, issues in your relationship.
Even though both of you communicate everyday on the phone, but in more ways than you both realise, you have become strangers to each other. Unless both of you get together to talk, you may not be able to achieve the kind of results you want. No matter how well you try, the phone isn’t the right medium to communicate certain personal fears, the kind difficult to put a name to.
Only a personal contact would reveal the kind of fear she has for the future between the two of you. If you can prevail on her, urge her to stay action on her decision until you come back to the country. Your personal presence may resolve so many of these issues she and her parents are brewing.
If her parents are sceptical about you, it is only natural because you remain a figment of their daughter’s imagination. Seeing you may make them change their minds about you.
She is listening to her parents because you are not around and doesn’t know if you are serious about everything you are telling her on the phone. The fear of being left in the cold may account for her behaviour.
If you think she is the right woman for you and that no woman will ever be good enough for you, appeal to her to wait for you and that if after you come back, she feels she still wants to go, you will give her your blessings.
All you have to do is have an open mind and trust God to do what is best for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I must say I bless God for using you to solve our problems since there is no greater job on earth than service to humanity. I pray God bless the work of your hands.
The above is the title of the initial letter I sent and your advice, which I applied. I called and asked her to tell me what her fears are. She said the age difference is too close, which I find very disturbing. Her other worry has to do with her parents who were transferred to my state, some years ago.
They built a house in my Local Government Area and work there. However, they don’t want their daughter marrying anybody from my state or the east for that matter.
I am surprised because her parents are both educated. Last week, I called to know her final decision from our discussion. She told me she plans to settle down next year whenever a man proposes to her or asks her out. I thought I could be patient but it seems with every passing day, I am fighting a lost battle.
I realise she is a woman and time is not a friend to women, but don’t you think something is not right here? She’ll be 23 and so desperate to settle down. I sent her your recent article, ‘Marriage: An institution no man graduates’. It’s really hard for me because all my dreams and plans are around the wonderful family and life I plan to have with her.
Again, you advised that when we get married we can still achieve a lot of things, but at 25, I am studying abroad and depend on my people for money.
Even when I finish next year, I still have to serve before looking for a job, that is, if I don’t further my study immediately.
Honestly, I love this girl so very much and was under the impression that she felt the same way about me, a fact I am beginning to doubt.
If she was able to stay for five years, why is she so much in a hurry when she knows I will be back next year?
I wish her luck in her search but it has not been easy for me and my examination comes up in January. I am not a bad loser, but it hurts badly knowing that one day, the woman I so much cherish and adore, would be walking down the aisle with another man is killing me gradually.
She noticed that I am trying to withdraw from her. I am really devastated because she cannot wait for me to succeed. Please, Agatha, help me to handle this.
How do I forget her? How do I go about it? And if you think I should hold on, where do I start?
Troubled Mind.
Dear Troubled Mind,
There is always a time and season for everything in life. In life, unless one is wise and determined enough to give each season its due recognition and attention, chances are such a person would end up in regrets. You have spent valuable time, energy, and resources preparing for this moment. Your immediate task is to concentrate on passing your examinations. All your years in abroad, money spent on your education as well as your efforts would be a complete waste if you don’t come out successfully in this examination.
The challenge before you now isn’t for your heart but your life. Once you are able to make the decision to concentrate on your passing your examinations, the issue of your heart will fall into place.
Granted, you love her but it would be a fatal mistake to love anyone at the expense of your life, which is exactly what you would be doing if you don’t pull yourself together instantly and focus on reading for your final examinations.
This is the important phase of your life. Your happiness and success as a man is tied to what you make of this important time in your life. While you can fall in love again, it might not be easy for you to have this opportunity again. Remember, time waits for no one.
From all you have said, you and this lady may really not be destined for each other. Having taken the steps of talking to her, give her the space to do what she wants. It will be on record that you did your best to preserve the relationship and that you didn’t disappointment her.
She has her reasons for wanting to get married this early in life and like you rightly observed, there are things you still have to do, put in place before you can be any woman’s husband. Failure to properly plan your life will definitely affect you later in life especially if the children begin to come before you found your feet. If she cannot understand and appreciate the essence of planning now, she never will.
Marriage is more than two of you walking down the aisle; it takes a lot more to get it started. The fun and illusion end with both of you signing the dotted lines. Reality begins almost immediately. If as a man, you are unable to provide her with some measure of comfort and secure her daily means, you risk losing her respect as well as of her family.
On your shoulders as the man lies the responsibility of providing for the family you intend to start with her. Do you think you have all that it takes to be her husband?
Chances are that even if you succeed in making her change her mind now, she may not have the needed patient at the end of the day to wait for you to be ready for marriage.
This is why you must think deeply. Ideally, she should be by your side now that you are preparing for your final examinations, but if she has decided to become impatient, allow her be to give you the peace of mind to study and pass your examinations.
Besides, you need the concentration to avoid remembering her. Chances are by the time you are finished with your examinations, you may have forgotten how much she has hurt you.
Her attitude has given you a good reason to evaluate your relationship vis-à-vis your outlook to life. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be in love with the right person. Do you think she has what it takes to give you the kind of support to make you happy at the end of the day?
In addition, how well do you know the nature of this woman? Don’t forget that, she cannot be the same woman you knew five years ago. Both of you have understandably matured, developed new views about life as well as acquired new values.
She may look the same, but deep inside her, she certainly cannot be the woman you left five years ago. New friends and life would have coloured her life differently from the way she was when you left. Just like you too would have changed from the man you were.
If you decide to stay on in the relationship, there is the need for both of you to really talk about the growth of the relationship. This may be the real challenge in your relationship. Your five years apart have definitely left lots of mysteries, issues in your relationship.
Even though both of you communicate everyday on the phone, but in more ways than you both realise, you have become strangers to each other. Unless both of you get together to talk, you may not be able to achieve the kind of results you want. No matter how well you try, the phone isn’t the right medium to communicate certain personal fears, the kind difficult to put a name to.
Only a personal contact would reveal the kind of fear she has for the future between the two of you. If you can prevail on her, urge her to stay action on her decision until you come back to the country. Your personal presence may resolve so many of these issues she and her parents are brewing.
If her parents are sceptical about you, it is only natural because you remain a figment of their daughter’s imagination. Seeing you may make them change their minds about you.
She is listening to her parents because you are not around and doesn’t know if you are serious about everything you are telling her on the phone. The fear of being left in the cold may account for her behaviour.
If you think she is the right woman for you and that no woman will ever be good enough for you, appeal to her to wait for you and that if after you come back, she feels she still wants to go, you will give her your blessings.
All you have to do is have an open mind and trust God to do what is best for you.
Good luck.
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