She is very careless

Dear Agatha, Måay God bless you. Please treat my problem as very urgent, as your advice would go a long way in helping me make the right choice. I met this girl online in February. Within a month of our relationship, we met and spent some time together, including having sex in the State where she is serving. To be honest, we love each other. But after the visit, she started complaining that I was not being matured in the way I was acting. She went on to accuse me of being domineering. Sometime later, she started flirting with different men but she never had sex. She also told me not to trust her much because she shouldn’t be trusted. But there was this particular guy she told me has been persistent in asking her out. Under interrogation, she told me she has kissed him and a week ago, confessed cheating on me with the man. She did that without protection and even permitted the man to ejaculate inside her. She confessed all this amid tears. She’s been begging me to forgive her, which I did instantly. But whenever I remember the fact that she cheated on me without protection, I become livid and willing to do anything to revenge just to be even. Now, I’d be travelling out of the country for about two years, but she has promised never to be anything more than to be a platonic friend to a man. She said she would do anything to make me happy, even if the news of my imminent travel leads her to cheat on me. Please, what do you think? Confused boyfriend. Dear Confused Boyfriend, I don’t want to sound discouraging or judgmental but be careful you don’t end up hurting yourself because you are already building castles in the air with someone you hardly know at all. There are so many gaps already in this relationship which you must be bold enough to address as a man. First is the issue of what you understand by love as well as your perception of a good relationship. You cannot achieve much in any relationship if you don’t first define these two things. Granted people fall in love at first sight but for that love to endure, it comes with plenty of understanding as well as responsibilities. There is really nothing on ground between the two of you to make this girl faithful to you. So far, she doesn’t have any reason to because over the years, she has cultivated a kind of lifestyle that has been working for her. If you both met through the internet and within a month of that you are having sex, what makes you think she can behave differently with another man? Just like you both met through the internet, she can meet another man through the same channel and decide to have sex with him like you both did. She is a free bird, who is ready to tweet with any man she finds interesting. To invest too much emotions on a woman whose background you don’t know, whose kind of lifestyle you aren’t bothering to investigate, is to offer your heart for emotional pains. There is more to relationship than having sex. Certain things must be on ground to make sex between a couple wonderful. Whatever you both have been having, is pure physical exercise which lacks the bond, trust or demand for faithfulness you are trying to make her give you. Sincerely, there is nothing between the two of you to warrant the kind of things you are expecting from her. What more, she has been bold enough to tell you the truth. She isn’t the kind of girl you should invest too much emotion on. If she can have sex with you within days of your knowing her, what gives you the impression that she is doing so for the first time or that you would be the only man in her life from that point? In addition, beyond having sex, what did you offer her? What kinds of plans did you go with when you went to visit her? Beyond expecting good sex from her, did you bother to find out anything about her or why she would be sleeping with a man she hardly knows on their first meeting? Be truthful here, would you have considered her worth your while, if she had refused you sex? Did you try to prevent her from sleeping with you with the argument that it was too early and that you wanted to get to know her first? What structures have you put in place between the two of you to make her become a celibate when you travel? If you didn’t go with the mind of having her for keeps, why should you be hurt about her what she does with her body? Doubtless, she is still on a jolly ride of exploration of all the thrills she can get from different men. You will be embarking on an impossible mission trying to curtail someone who isn’t ready to be caged. Really, expecting her to be faithful to you would be asking for too much because she has no reasons to be. The impersonality of the internet coupled with her attitude to sex means she is a free bird. If within four months of meeting her, she has had sex with you and another man she confessed to having unprotected sex with; doesn’t that tell you anything about her nature and beliefs? Trust in a relationship doesn’t begin after marriage; it begins to take root from the very first moments you both agreed to become an item. If you want this lady to change, you also have to change. You cannot go about having sex with women on your first date and expect the woman you had sex with to become a saint overnight. Relationship is a dual way thing. Both of you must agree to abandon whatever baggage you have acquired over the years for the purpose of making what you are trying to grow, work. This is where sincerity of purpose comes in. You want her to be faithful to you despite what you know about her. But are you too ready to be faithful to her, giving her every assurance that you will always be there for her and that she doesn’t have to look the way of any other man because with you, she has found a place of rest? Have you made the sacrifice of drawing her out to talk about her person, family and dreams? There is no relationship without this kind of effort at getting to meet the person inside of her. The image of the girl you know isn’t her real self. You must make the effort of getting to know the person her experiences, decisions, friends and society have made her masked inside her body. That is the person you must find by having an honest conversation with her. You must know the point, she decided in life to be who she is currently. There is no decent girl that goes about having sex with strange men and without protection too on first date. This angle should worry you because it shows recklessness as well as total lack of appreciation for her health as well as other men she would be having sex with. A woman who has plans for herself in life doesn’t take such profound risks. So your first responsibility towards her is to sit her down for a lecture on why she should never attempt such risks, especially in these days and age. Let her know sleeping with a strange man without protection could ruin her life completely as well as the lives of any other man she is having sex with. The fact alone that she didn’t consider she could become pregnant alone is a worry you should not ignore. There is something more than sex involved here. If you really want her for keeps, don’t sweep these issues under the carpet else they will come back to hunt you in particular, in future. For a woman you appear to be having plans for, it is in your interest to know how many abortions she has done and in the kinds of hospitals she did them. This is to prevent a situation where you would be running blindly from pillar to post in future searching for a baby whereas, the cause of her problem is what she did with her womb when she was young. First make up your mind what you want from her before sitting her down for a talk and the options you have come up with. Any promise or demand you make outside this would end up being a nullity because it won’t come from her mind. She has to make up her mind to quit her current lifestyle before any good seed can be planted in her life. Good luck