Another woman lives with my husband

Dear Agatha, I am a mother of five girls. I lost the sixth child who incidentally was a boy a day after I gave birth to him. It’s been two years since that incident. I have not taken in after I lost the baby. It really isn’t the reason I am writing you; rather it has to do with the determination of one woman to cause problems in my marriage. Funny enough, she is also married but having issues with her husband. She met my husband and fell in love with him. When I heard the rumours of their affairs, I called the lady to warn her off my husband and to inform her I wasn’t ready for polygamy. She ignored my calls and is as a matter of fact living with my husband at his station in Seme border. He comes home at times. I have done series of prayers to no avail. Please I need your advice. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, You cannot win this battle living apart from your husband. The heart of the average man resides with the woman who cares for him. The other woman appears to be on top of this game because she is the one who cooks and tenders to him. Whether she is right for him or not, isn’t the worry of your husband for now. What interests him is the warmth he provides him with. Drastic situation as this requires radical action. It is either you make up your mind to accommodate this other woman as your mate or relocate to where your husband is. Prayers will work when you are ready to make the sacrifices that go with the answers to that prayer. It would have been a different thing if he hasn’t already been entrapped by this woman; you have to match your prayers with positive actions by being there with him. Only your presence can water down her influence over him. Don’t lose sight of the important things she is doing in his life; cooking and sex. Once a man has these two from a woman, there is nothing to stop him from marrying her but if you are there, it would be difficult for her to completely overwhelm him. You also must understand the reason your husband appears determined to marry another woman. The average African man believes in the male child. This is why you should desist from sending messages to this woman who in all sincerity, you don’t have any business with. Your husband wouldn’t have had the boldness to openly advertise his association with her if you didn’t make the mistake of calling her to warn her off your husband. Your call opened what he wanted to keep secret. It is your husband you have business with, not her. Since you have taken the laws into your hand to battle with a situation he has been trying to hide from you, he wants you to do your worst by asking her to live with him. You and I know that not having a male child isn’t your fault. You are only producing whatever he gives you since men are the ones that carry the X and Y chromosomes that determine the gender of children. If he persists in releasing the X chromosomes, you will keep producing girls and boys if he gives you the Y chromosomes. Therefore, you are in no way to blame for your lovely girls so don’t become frustrated by the gender of your children. Your disturbance might be the reason you have been unable to take in for two years. Besides, what will be will be! If God hasn’t destined him to have a male child in life, let him date countless number of women; they will all end up giving him females. You must learn to be on top of the situation else you will through rash and harsh actions create more complications for yourself. Your business is with your husband; not with the woman who currently lives with him or any other woman he may want to have an affair with. Stop giving them attention and focus on how to curry his favor back to you and your children. If he won’t allow you relocate to his station because of the children, don’t wait for him to be the only one coming to see you and the children. When they are on holidays, you all should come and visit him while you also make the sacrifice of going to see him as regularly as possible. Even though you didn’t say much, from the little you have said, there are plenty of issues in your marriage. If it is any help, there is no perfect marriage so give yourself some peace and rest of mind with which to look after your daughters. There is nothing that goes up that doesn’t come down. This hot romance threatening your home now will frizzle out soon. But its duration will be determined by the amount of patience you have as the woman of the house. The other woman has nothing to lose; rather you are the one that has too much to lose hence the need for extreme caution in this face of this provocation. Don’t forget too that you are also contending with distance, itself a real threat to the success of any marriage. You are limited by it in your quest to stabilise your home. The wise thing to do is to pretend the other woman doesn’t exist at all. By so doing, you create an oasis of succor for your marriage to throw strength and peace from. There is no way the other woman will be flawless. Every woman has her defects. Since she is the one trying to steal what isn’t hers, her impatience to entrench herself will definitely arise to mistakes on her part. Your refusal to condemn your husband as well as your deliberate effort to make him feel like a demi-god, will make him recall your early days together. This is what you should aim for-bringing back memories of those early days. Deep down, he is battling an ego problem and is worried about his lineage. It isn’t that he doesn’t want the girls but he is worried about his lack of heir. For this simple reason, you have to egg round him with plenty of love, tolerance and understanding of the many things that go on in the mind of a man who thinks his world isn’t complete without a male child. He is bound to misbehave and blame you for it. Just accept the fact that he isn’t at his most rational self. This is where prayer comes in. Pray for your husband to grow the peace and understanding to accept God’s will for him and pray for the husband of this woman to come back. Trust me; the other woman isn’t the issue in your marriage. She is a passenger that will disembark once her reason for coming into your marriage is over. If your husband decides to end the relationship today there is nothing she can do. So pray for him to appreciate the value in his female children as well as the benevolence of God because there are countless men out there praying for the miracle of a child. Importantly, use this period to properly scrutinize your marriage. What are the areas of your failure? Often than not we women after a while take things for granted in our homes. We erroneously come to the conclusion once married we can do and undo. Whatever my fellow women think, the world is increasingly becoming a man’s world. Whatever freedom we women think we have attained in terms of education and economic empowerment do not apply in the home. Unless lucky enough to marry a man who is implicitly devoted to his vows, the man’s wishes and desires still reign supreme in the home. You must always place his wishes and desires above your own If you want to enjoy your marriage. Ironically, the same set of women who give you the impetus and encouragement to fight it out with the man of the house are the same people that will wait to condemn you when the man calls your bluff. Wisdom demands you tread easily with your husband. If you have to go and beg him for any imaginary offence you have committed, do so as long as you have him back in your arms. Play the fool to get rid of this other woman. Furthermore, by refusing to acknowledge her presence in your husband’s life you reduce her to nothing of importance. Don’t forget you are the legal wife; a reason you must not do anything that will make you struggle from the disadvantaged position. Don’t worry; God will recover what is yours as long as you entrust Him with your everything. Good luck.

I cannot cope with his bulk

Dear Agatha, We got married three months ago. Our problem is my husband’s huge anatomy. It is not only huge but long. I never saw it before we got married. Lovemaking is a nightmare for me. He would keep going at it for more than 30 minutes before he finally discharges. What can I do to make him soft because it is usually very hard? Agnes. Dear Agnes, When a woman has your kind of challenge, the first thing she does is sit her husband down for a very frank talk. She must make him understand and appreciate her ability as well as the capacity of a woman’s anatomy. In all honesty, he may not know he is hurting you. To him, your silence means you are enjoying it; hence the extra efforts he puts into his performance. Most men don’t understand the woman’s discomfort in accommodating a man who is well endowed. Men seem to think the woman’s body is built to expand to all dimensions simply because her vagina can stretch to its limit during child birth. Unfortunately, the process of bringing a child into the world is different from lovemaking. During lovemaking, the vagina must be treated tenderly and lovingly to get the best out of it while at childbirth, it must undergo its limit to perform its function of providing a free passage to a new life. Besides, during lovemaking, its elasticity is simply to take the male organ in; not to have it disrupt the arrangement of her body. Make him understand that the elasticity of the vagina can expand to take in the size of any man but needs the support of the man to effectively accommodate and benefit from the pleasure of its existence in her. Explain your limitations as a woman to him. Don’t be ambiguous or afraid to communicate your state of mind to him. To pretend about it is to gradually destroy your marriage because soon, you will become apprehensive and resentful of him as well as his presence inside of you. This point must be well transmitted to him in a way he would not be offended or apprehensive about your ability to cope with his size. There is no way he would appreciate your feelings if you keep quiet about it. He would think, and rightly too that you have the quantum energy and capacity to fully take all of him in. He would keep riding you without thoughts for your comfort and enjoyment probably because for the first time in his adult life, he has a woman who isn’t afraid of his length and width. That simple thought is enough to motivate him to take advantage of the situation and become a little bit selfish in his quest to derive maximum satisfaction from it all. Honestly, you cannot condemn him since he may not have had the pleasure of such an accommodating woman. But explaining your discomfort to him will make him consider the options you both have especially as you are his wife and not a girlfriend he can simply dump for another woman. In your discussions with him, it is pertinent too you take him back to his bachelorhood days. Ask him if any of the women in his life ever complained about his anatomy. Follow with the question of how they coped and how he felt about their rejection. His answers will give you an insight into how to handle and tackle his psychology. Many a time, when a man is either too huge or small, he develops a psychological problem which his wife has to work around else she risks creating a secondary problem in her marriage; that of being accused by the man of having extra marital affairs. Men don’t take kindly to any criticism of their anatomy by a woman. Therefore, you have to be wise, friendly and diplomatic when discussing the issue with him. Absolute care must be taken by you not to hurt his pride or make him wonder if you are totally disenchanted with the whole concept of being married to him. As matter of fact as you can be, explain your feelings to him but don’t stop at that. Come up with workable alternate positions that will make it easier for you to accommodate him as well as make it, enjoyable for both of you. It is best you arm yourself with information by reading books and literature on how to cope with men who are extra large. Knowing what to say eliminates any ambiguity you may feel at the subject. If you investigate very well, there are some positions, you both can adopt for maximum satisfaction. He would also have to be careful not to go into you completely. These positions offer him the power of control at all times even when he is approaching his zenith. There is no way you can make him soft; but your imagination and willingess to take what is offered in your package is what will help your situation. Even when you have the right size, lovemaking works best when the couple has a sense of adventure and comfortable with the other. Your panacea is a very huge sense of adventure and fun to match his size. Good luck.

She doesn’t know his house after years of dating him

Dear Agatha, Please I need your help on this challenge I am facing. A friend of mine complained to me that her boyfriend of so many years is not bold enough to take her to his house even though he visits her regularly in her house. According to this friend, anytime she queries her boyfriend on his refusal to take her to his house, he tells her she cannot come unaccompanied by him to his place despite my friend being very familiar with the area he lives. She is of the view that her boyfriend is hiding something from her. Not only has she challenged him on the issue but has in addition accused him of hiding the existence of a wife from her. Rather than come out with the truth or take her to his house to assure my friend of his sincerity, he has kept her guessing at his refusal to take her to his house. His action is confusing because in all the years they have been dating, he hasn’t for once talked along the line of marriage but keeps telling her he loves her. He has been the only one visiting since they started. What do you think? Worried Friend. Dear Worried Friend, Although you didn’t say for how long your friend and her boyfriend have been dating, she should make efforts to know the man she is involved with. By virtue of their relationship, she has the right to know certain things about him especially as he isn’t forthcoming with any information concerning himself. I would be surprised if she knows anything about his family, friends and nature of his work. What would be her story if anything happens to him while he is with her? Who will she call? What if he is lying about everything he has told her including the bit about being single? Even if they are minors, the girl must know the nature and address of the man she is dating should any unforeseen happens. Since he is refusing to take her to his house despite her pressures on him, as a concerned friend, take it upon yourself to discreetly find out more about him; especially where he stays. It shouldn’t be difficult as your friend is familiar with the area he mentioned as being his neighbourhood. In addition, your friend should be more proactive with situations that have to do with her happiness and life. There is no point beating about the bush with her boyfriend. She should ask him pointedly what the future of their relationship is as well as the real reason he is refusing to take her home. This is very necessary to prevent a situation of her making the mistake of building too many dreams around a man who may not have plans for her. Her boyfriend won’t be committing any offence if tomorrow he leaves her for another woman or she founds out the he isn’t single. The point is, he hasn’t promised her anything. She is the one assuming that they are serious. From his behavior, it is obvious that he isn’t as serious as she is with him. It could be the reason he doesn’t want her to come to his house. Knowing what he thinks about the relationship will help her come to realistic decisions concerning her future instead of wasting her time on a relationship that may have nothing to offer her. Good luck.

Women scare me

Dear Agatha, Honestly, I really appreciate the way and manner you treat and proffer solutions to different relationship issues. I’m a man of 28 years of age and up till now that I’m writing you; I have no woman in my life. It’s not that I don’t have interest in women but approaching them is the problem, the fact that, I’m a gentle and shy guy makes it difficult for me to approach women. I have often stayed away from situations that could cause me embarrassment. While in the higher institution, there were many women who flocked around me being one of the brilliant students in our school. Then, they were always throwing themselves at me. I understood all their gimmicks and pranks but, to approach any of them was a big issue for me. Though, I don’t have a job since I finished service last year but, I always feel like having a woman in my life not for sexual purpose but someone to share my thoughts with. I will appreciate if you can help me. Thanks and may God continue to bless you. Akeem. Dear Akeem, God that created everything in pairs, didn’t make a mistake. There is no medication as powerful as companionship. Nothing compares to having someone to share your thoughts and feelings with. It is more powerful than sex which is just a part of the whole package. So, what you want isn’t out of place especially now that you don’t have a means of livelihood. It is also a fact that God also put the initiative to approach a woman on the man. All the time those ladies threw themselves at you; they were giving you a sort of soft landing. The true test of a man is his ability to confront and surmount tricky situation. You cannot be a man without experiencing the pains of rejection from members of the opposite sex. What would be your testimony at the end of the day? The joy of late life is to share whatever experiences you had as a young man with your children or other young men going through love aches. The heart of the man is built with extra shock absorbers to overcome the rejection of women. Your responsibility is to make the move, while the woman plays hard to get before submitting herself to the man. That a woman is proving to be difficult doesn’t mean total rejection. The best things of life are those things one struggles to get. If you didn’t study hard, make the necessary sacrifices for your tomorrow, you won’t be the brilliant man who attracted women with his brilliance while in school. So why are you so afraid of women? There is no mystery about approaching a woman. It is a matter of knowing what you want in a woman. Don’t approach a woman for the sake of doing so, do so because you found in her that something extra special; those enduring qualities you can identify with. Many a time, men simply approach a woman for the fun of it; not knowing what exactly they want from her. At your age, you should be clear minded about the kind of woman you want in your space. This is the task you must first get out of the way before approaching a woman. The worst kind of mistake you can make now after waiting for so long is to end up with the wrong woman which could happen if you aren’t definite about the kind of life you want for yourself. Theare is a huge difference between a woman having the right look and the one with the attitude to go with her looks. So many men want a pretty looking wife without considering if she has the temperament to go with it. For instance, you should by now be thinking of the kind of woman who would make you a good wife; that means having an idea of what it takes to make a man like you happy and contented. The thing about marriage is having a partner to compliment and cover one’s defects. Being shy, you need a woman, who can take the initiative; who is bold but respectful. For your home to run effectively, she cannot afford to be as shy as you are. No matter what your nature is, you will always need a woman in it so, it is high time you got a grip of yourself. Once you see a woman you like, approach her first as a friend. The period of friendship is to help you discover who she is. The unearthing of her person will help you come to a reasonable conclusion on whether or not to go on with the relationship. Because good things don’t come cheap; don’t be discouraged by whatever attitude the woman puts up at the beginning. As long as you are focused, know that it is the lot of the woman to play games with the hearts of men at that embryonic stage of a relationship; you have nothing to worry about. What you need is confidence in yourself and dreams. Don’t allow any woman make you appear inferior simply because you don’t have a job. The woman who supports your dream irrespective of your present condition, is the right one for you. Good luck. I cannot last for more than a minute DearAgatha. I am a guy of 30 years, hoping to get married very soon. But my problem is that I do not last more than a minute while having sex. My girl friend has been complaining about that since I started dating her. However, I have promised her that things will improve but up till now, nothing has improved. Could it be attributed to masturbation because I indulged in the act so much? If yes, how do I get over it to last up to three or four minutes or even more than that so as to satisfy my girl friend since I want to marry her? Emytex Dear Emytex, Simply as the act of lovemaking appears, it has so many complexities which a couple must understand and appreciate for maximum satisfaction. You have every right to be apprehensive because if the situation persists, you risk losing your girlfriend who after a while may get impatient with you. To help both of you get to that point of satisfaction, you must eliminate all obstacles that stand between you and getting optimum pleasure. You will need the help and understanding of the woman in your life. Call and seek her opinion on this; let her know you have a problem and would require her understanding to overcome. Pretending you can solve the problem yourself will only make it persist. This isn’t the time for you to display any male ego. You both need the understanding that it takes much more than the coming together of a man and woman to enjoy intimacy. Just as our faces are different, so are our erotic zones different. Though a man is stimulated by mere looks alone, the woman needs much more. Because you are the one with the problem, you need the understanding of your girlfriend to get yourself together again. Irrespective of whatever the outcome of the first expedition is, employ her in your second attempt to make it perfect for both of you; that is, ensuring she is almost there before mounting her. Once your timing coincides with hers, she won’t notice the brevity of your performance as a man. Use your fingers and tongue to get her ready; to ensure she appreciates your efforts and person as a man. With her support and devotion, you will get your timing right again. You are right about the contribution of masturbation to your problems. You have become used to a certain time of release and now that you have a woman in your life, it will take a long time for you to get past that time you have set for yourself in your private world. This is the reason you are finding it difficult to please your girlfriend. Don’t worry; with her help and sincerity, you will overcome this minor set back. Good luck.

I don’t want to make a mistake

Dear Agatha, There is this boy I have always addressed as my cousin when my father was alive. My sister and I used to visit them because our father said his mother was our aunty. When my father died, he came to the house to enquire about my welfare as well as what I doing. I told him I was looking for a place to do my Industrial Training (IT). He found me a place but I wasn’t comfortable with the way his reactions to me as well as what he was telling me. He later came with what he felt for me as well as a marriage proposal. I instantly told him there was no way I could marry my cousin. I was very upset with him. It was then he told me the truth that my late aunty wasn’t his biological mother that he mother was the second wife of his father. Still, I told him I was in a relationship with someone just to make him stay away from me. This is besides the fact that I know him to be a sickle cell patient. Despite what I told him about having a man in my life, he hasn’t stopped disturbing me. He has even challenged me to introduce my boyfriend to him. I am really tired of answering his calls. Now he wants to pay me a visit in school which I have declined. Please, should I tell him not to call me again or should I stop calling him because I don’t want to make mistakes in my choice of a life partner. Confused Lady Dear Confused Lady, Why are you still calling him if you aren’t interested in him? The fact that you are calling him at all; means you want him around you. This is why he has persisted in asking you out. Men are used to women saying no when they really want to say yes. So, be very definite on what you really want. Do you want him around you or not? And what are your real reasons for your proclaimed position? Has it to do with the fact that he is SS? If he didn’t, would you consider his request having addressed the issue of the status of your biological relationship? Mistakes we make in life begin by denying the truth to ourselves. Yes, he might be SS but that shouldn’t stop you from admitting your feelings towards him. To continue to turn him down without explaining why you think it impossible for both of you to have a relationship is wrong. Besides, what is your status? If you really like him and you are AA; both of you can marry since there is no possibility of you both producing SS children. But if you keep running away from him without admitting the truth to yourself or anybody, you will end up making the mistake of assumption, one factor that leads to life long regrets. Even if you are unsuitable to marry each other going by your genotypes, still you owe him the truth. It won’t stop you from taking your decisions but it will help preserve a relationship that dates back to the early days of your lives when your parents introduced you both as cousins. This is the relationship you should try to conserve, notwithstanding what you think or feel about his current disposition towards you. Besides, was it an offence for him to declare his feelings for you? Your reactions make his feelings for you appear like an abomination; why do find his feelings for you so objectionable? Is it the fact that you are angry with yourself for feeling something you think you should not feel for him or that you are unable to read your feelings towards him and his proposal? Whatever, learn to be honest withyourself. It is the only way to confront and tackle this emotional impasse you have woven around yourself. The truth is, if you didn’t care, are indifferent to him, you wouldn’t have lied to him about having an imaginary relationship. Ensure you investigate this angle properly to avoid the mistake you are so afraid of making. Good luck.

Should I disobey God?

Dear Agatha, I am a Christian, waiting on the Lord for so many things. He hasn’t answered. Recently, I was told I will be marrying a pastor. Ordinarily, I should be happy and honoured but I don’t. I actually feel disillusioned. I usually listen to what God says but in this situation, I don’t feel excitement or happy as I should. I feel annoyed. I’ve never had a relationship before. Am I sounding ungrateful? Is it so bad to marry a man of God or should I just do what I like? But I don’t want to disobey God because I know the consequences of doing so. What do you think, Agatha? Abiola Dear Abiola, Who am I to counter what God has decreed? You and I know the consequences of disobedience are severe. Nobody in history who disobeyed God has a pleasant story to tell. As a Christian who has established a working and walking relationship with God, you know what He says; He does irrespective of what we mere mortals think. Since marrying a pastor is your destiny, quietly go on your knees to ask him to give you the strength and courage to be a good wife to your husband. The serious issue here isn’t the man you are going to marry but your own ability to live up to the expectations of God in the life of the man. There are so many challenges that go with marriage and in particular with being married to a pastor. As a pastor’s wife, there are certain things you must never take for granted or do like other women. These are the challenges you should begin to prepare yourself for rather than reject the idea of submitting to the will of God for you. Begin to read books written by wives of successful pastors on their experiences and how they overcame the inherent fear women generally have at the idea of being married to a pastor. You will discover that many wives of pastors started with resentment and the question, “why me?” The reason for this often asked question by women blessed to be wives of pastors isn’t farfetched. the human nature is naturally programmed to rebel against the unusual. Besides the human nature arbors anything that reminds it of the essence of living an holy life; it is more at home with the bright and fast side of life which is why many women irrespective of their own beliefs inwardly protest the extra assignment being in a pastor’s wife demand of them. Also the way certain men of God present Him to the world make God appear to be ever frowning and always waiting to punish any mistake of his children. They through their teachings, presentations present God, not as a loving, merciful and caring father who is always ready to forgive our sin once we ask, but as a God who is forever angry and so unfriendly. Their interpretation of the God Head makes Him unattractive to serve and work for. For the woman, combining the challenge of a critical husband with the nerve-racking presence of a God whose image has been presented as ominous could really be frightful. But if you have been close to God, you know He is much more than some of His representatives make Him out to be. He is not just God but a very loving and caring Father who at all times protects His own. All He demands of you is to hand over the assignment He has given you back to Him. Once you allow Him direct you, take charge and dictate the pace, you will succeed in your life given assignment as a pastor’s wife. Ask Him for extra patience, assistance, understanding as well as wisdom to be the kind of wife that will help the man he wants you to marry to succeed in his task as his servant. Sometimes in our bid to exercise our God given free will, we forget our essence and end up hurting our relationship with him. This is the juncture you are in now. Don’t allow what you think is good for you come between you and Him. Always remember, He won’t lead you to where you will be disgraced or give you an assignment beyond your limits. In all honesty, He wont stop you from doing what you want but the question you should ask yourself is, would you be happy without His presence in your life, marriage or decisions? For anyone who has been close to Him, staying without Him for a second can be disastrous. Besides while struggle with someone whose law you cannot change and who at the end of the day will have His way irrespective of what you think or say? Its useless struggling against His will so give in to His decision will all humility. Good luck.

My husband complains too much

Dear Agatha, Caring as my husband of six months is, he complains too much. If he isn’t complaining about my way of dressing, it would be about the way I make love. Can you imagine him comparing my lovemaking to the way his ex makes love and telling me to my face that he enjoyed her movements better than he does mine? He even called me a different name the other day we were arguing over something. When I got angry, he told me I had no reason to be angry because no woman he has ever dated goes by the name he called me just as I have no reason to be angry over what he said about his ex. He has two children from his previous marriage. In fairness to the children, they are very nice to me but I am worried about my husband’s reasoning. Just the other day, he asked in front of our guests if the children had eaten when he knows that since coming into his house I give the children the right to go into my pot to dish their food the way they want. I adopted this attitude for two reasons; it is the way he brought them up and I don’t want them to complain about the quantity of food I give them. I want them to be free and eat as they want. I was very upset but because there were other people around, I didn’t make any comment beyond replying him that they have eaten. When I brought the matter up after our guests have left, he said, he didn’t mean it the way I interpreted it but only asked when he went into the kitchen and saw all the pots empty. He said he thought I served him and his friends all the food in the pot without considering the children. I felt insulted and bad that he could think such a thing of me when all I have done since coming into his house is to be a mother to the children. Severally, I have also had reasons to caution him against the way he nags his nieces and nephews over issues that should ordinarily be ignored. What, however, piques me is the way he pampers his children when they commit the same offences he growls others over. His children can do no wrong, not even when they come into our room unannounced at very odd hours or take things without permission. He keeps coming up with excuses to defend their behaviour. Having studied the kind of person he is, I have learnt to ignore the children even when they are misbehaving. For instance, since he hasn’t taught them the value of clearing plates and cups they use in eating from the table or wherever they decide to use as their eating spots, irritating as I find the habit, I have also learnt to turn a blind eye because during the first few days of my coming when I tried to effect some orderliness, I didn’t get any support from him. Instead, he heaped the blame on the house-girl for not cleaning after two teenagers. I am two months pregnant. I love him but his attitude is beginning to bother me. First, I don’t want my child to be brought up the way he has done with his first set of children. I am of the firm belief that a child should be brought up with some measure of discipline and I am beginning to be irritated by his constant criticisms. I don’t want a broken home hence my decision to come to you for help now that I can still listen to good counsel. Sumbo Dear Sumbo, Frankly, you are a very lucky woman to be having these challenges so early in your marriage. If well managed, you will have a wonderful marriage at the end of the day. Once you are able to tackle these issues now, nothing he does or fails to do will again move you to anger or to the kind of apprehension you are currently feeling. One thing you must understand at this early stage of your marriage is the lack of perfect marriage. Every marriage comes with its set of flaws. This is because it involves human beings. By nature, we all come with different gradations of faults. The fact that you are the one complaining doesn’t mean you are without errors too. I am sure, if your husband is asked to list your defects, he too will come up with unarguable points that will make him appear as the angel in the relationship. If you keep focusing on his limitations only, you will never develop the resolve needed to make this marriage work. Every relationship, including the ones we have with our parents, siblings and relatives, require super human efforts to keep them going. Every day, we make sacrifices to keep one relationship or the other afloat. Without these sacrifices, the world will be cold and bereft of the warmth relationships give to our lives. Despite the many complaints he makes everyday, his love gives you an inexplicable uplift in your soul and spirit. To better appreciate this point, try imagining life without him for a second; how do you feel? Won’t you rather live with his many faults than without him? If you are honest, you will discover that some of the things you are complaining about in him are the things that set him apart from all the other men that came for your hand in marriage. Even though at the time you were making up your mind, you couldn’t pin-point the reason you placed him above all the other men that came your way, these faults are part of the whole makeup of the man you fell for. They are the things that gave him the edge over all the other men. Therefore, rather than be offended by these flaws, learn to manage him as best as you can. When next he complains about your dress sense and love making; tell him that he too is as lousy as you are in these areas but that you are tolerating him because you love him too much to let go. Let him know that a good leader doesn’t make fun of the inability of his followers but go out of his way to teach the followers to be as good, if not better than he is. The fact that he has been unable to teach you how to perform better than he met you in bed means he is a bad leader. So don’t allow whatever he said about your performance or that of the other woman bother you. Make it clear to him that you cannot be better than your leader; for him to enjoy you better in bed; he has to teach you to please him. Whatever erotic knowledge he learnt from that lady should be transferred to you. On the issue of the name he called you, for the sake of your own peace, forget it. Doubtless, it hurts but fighting him over the issue will only create tension in your home and that would be giving him a reason to go into the arms of that woman. Don’t ever fight your man over any woman because that other woman is waiting for you to do that to move into your position. Besides, what assurances do you have that the next man would be better? When it comes to extra marital affairs, nearly all men are guilty so why make an issue of something that will break your home or cause you sleepless nights? The important thing should be that he keeps her away from you. Insist on that. As for the attitude of the children, ignore them. As long as their father is ready to pay the house-help to clean after them, don’t brew a storm in a tea cup. Besides, most teenagers are like that. You and I went through our teenage rebellion. If they are boys, be prepared to be extra tolerant because at that age, boys are almost unmanageable. It takes extra open-mindedness to curb their excesses. On the issue of your dress sense, best you ask him how he wants you to appear. Don’t dismiss all his complaints. We all need such complaints from time to time to help us improve on certain areas of our lives. And if they are out to frustrate you, by ignoring them, you deflate them. Trust me, there is no marital problem that patience and prayers don’t resolve. Good luck.