Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Only spiritualists can fuck me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
There is this huge problem facing me. Five years ago, I left my former boyfriend because I caught him in bed with another woman. He actually tried everything to make me come back, but I refused.
A year later he got married to the same woman I caught him cheating on me with. I was very hurt by it all, I vowed to get even with him.
A friend of mine took me to a spiritualist who promised to help me deal with him. Thereafter, I met and married my current husband.
Before we got married, my husband and I had a good sex life, but the moment we got married, I noticed he couldn’t perform as a man.
Before we begin, he would be okay as a man, but the moment he attempts to get into me, he goes limp. We didn’t understand what was happening. At first, he thought it was just the stress in the office getting to him. I did all the tricks I know as a woman, but none worked when it mattered the most.
While I was still trying to solve the problem, I learnt he has put another woman in the family way. His excuse was since he wasn’t able to perform as a man with me; he did it with another woman just to make sure he wasn’t the problem.
It isn’t just that he got her pregnant but his people are also making plans to bring the woman to the house.
Hurt, I went out to do the same thing he did, but I discovered that none of the men I tried to sleep with could get it up.
It was then I knew I was the target of whatever is wrong with my marriage.
I tried going back to the spiritualist my friend took me to, only to discover he no longer stayed there. I was told by his neighbours that he had moved.
Desperate, I confided in a friend who took me somewhere else. It was there I was told that the cause of my problem had to do with what I did to my former boyfriend. I had forgotten all about that. In my problems it skipped my mind that I had, out of anger, told the spiritualist I went to see that he should punish him by making it impossible for him and the woman he married to function as a couple.
According to this spiritualist, the only thing that would break the curse on me is to sleep with him (the spiritualist). Surprisingly, he could sleep with me as a man, but once I go back to another man, the problem came back. I am so fed up because it looks like I will never get out of it. The more places I go, the more complicated my problems become.
The latest is that my husband has driven me out of the house. I am writing because I don’t know what else to do. I have gone everywhere but the issue remains. Please help me.
I don’t know what to do or who to turn to? Can you help me, Agatha? Can you find a solution to my problem? Will I ever be able to have a baby? I know it isn’t the usual thing you do.
Martha.

Dear Martha,
The only help I know is the house of God. There is no running away from the fact that you have gotten yourself involved in a very terrible thing.
He remains the only one who can help you as long as you know how to find him and the way to His house.
Whosoever told you that solutions come from going through the homes of different spiritualists told you lies. Instead of solutions you will experience more difficulties like you are currently going through.
How does sleeping with a spiritualist translate to your finding solution to a problem you created in the first place? Did you ever pause to think how having a sexual encounter with a complete stranger, someone you don’t know, cancel a problem you are having with other men? Do you realise the power of sex, the covenant it invokes into one’s life? Even if it were true these spiritualists have the answers to your problem, didn’t you think it strange that they should demand sex as solution?
Granted, they could go all the way with you, but that is as far as your solution goes. The truth you had become a sort of toy thing to them all, a tool they can manipulate to their pleasure.
Don’t forget that you got the problem from them in the first place. Even if in your hurt and pains you were seeking ways to get back at your former boyfriend for what he did to you, they should have told you to leave everything to God.
Frankly, unless you want to end up frustrated throughout your life, go to God in prayers. He listens and cares so much about us all.
He doesn’t demand for anything to make right our wrong. What you are suffering from is nemesis. You went to them to make your former boyfriend and his woman unhappy; ensure they don’t enjoy their union. And when the time for you to be happy too in your marriage came, you too were denied the kind of peace and joy you denied them: your ex and his wife.
You, more than anyone else, know the things that transpired between you and the spiritualist you went to for help to deal with your former lover. Even though you didn’t meet him in his last address, you should have gone back to your ex to apologise and plead for forgiveness.
Honestly, it is not too late to do it. Having indiscriminate sex with the so-called spiritual helpers you have taken to consulting for solutions will never give you the kind of release from the consequences of your action.
Already you have lost your home to another woman despite the various spiritual homes you patronise as well as the kind of payments they demand of you. First it was your husband not being able to be intimate with you, and now it is you not having a husband at all. The drift in your life underscores the extent of hurt you inflicted on your former boyfriend and his wife. Even if he treated you unfairly, it was wrong for you to take laws into your hand. The extent you went in seeking revenge cancelled whatever sympathy you had. Your actions effectively stopped God from coming to your rescue, hence the many problems you now have.
Whatever it would cost you in pride, go to this couple and confess what you did. It is the only way to find freedom from the prison you have put yourself into. Your must stop patronising the homes of these spiritualists because not only would they continue to defraud you spiritually, financially, but also emotionally. If you don’t take the step to end it now by making your peace with this couple, you will never be free to live your own life, and anywhere you go you will continue to meet with disappointment.
The forgiveness of this couple will make it easier for you to find God and help from Him. The law of God is simple; we all reap what we sow in other people’s lives. It is obvious you planned for this couple not to have more children in addition to wanting to deny them the joy that comes from being married.
Out of hurt, jealousy, pains and frustration you sowed pains into the lives of this couple forgetting that you are not God. The fact that you met and married another man a year after he left you for this other lady meant you both were never to last forever.
Even if God had planned it that way, leaving Him to fight for you would have given you a happier and trustworthy results.
To help yourself grow in faith, stop telling friends about your problem. Rather, tell God through prayers how to help you find a solution.
The moment you tell them what you have done, chances are whatever spell you are suffering from would not go away.
Whatever happens, hold on to God. Don’t let anyone deceive you into thinking you can find a quick solution outside Him. You must also act fast because time isn’t your friend as a woman. Everyday, you delay going to this couple to beg for forgiveness and reconciling yourself with God, you eat further into your time of productivity as a woman. This is very important if you hope to have children and enjoy matrimony again.
Good luck.

His zeal for me wanes daily

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education.
Recently, he travelled out of the country and has returned.
But since his coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards our relationship and me. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money.
He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about travelling out again.
Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends? I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out during the New Year.
Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together on the day, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend the day together. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, not even to wish me happy New Year on that day.
I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him, but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him on the way he treats me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person.
As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him.
I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him, but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same.
Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all.
Betty.

Dear Betty,
You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge.
Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless, but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life.
There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now.
Your solution lies in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours.
You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. The thing that changes is how people around them feel about them.
To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell or fail to holds the key to your future happiness.
Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him, and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behaviour anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him?
Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is it that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years that he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer tolerate his presence in your life?
I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behaviour, far from it, but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons.
If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends?
Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy the New Year in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends.
No matter how intolerable, you find the behaviour of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him.
For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behaviour against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship.
Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging, cannot do.
If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected now if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school?
And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married?
This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: what do you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. More often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners, especially, for granted.
He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result.
If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immmediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges.
You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude.
Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point.
The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it.
Good luck.

My husband runs to his parents whenever we have problems

With Agatha Edo,Email:,womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626


Dear Agatha,
Thanks for all your efforts at helping people solve their problems. I have one that I want to share with you. I really don’t know what to do. I got married to an old friend I picked from the streets in June last year. We dated for close to three years before we got married.
Because I was pregnant, my parents did everything possible to make us happy irrespective of the fact that his mother didn’t contribute anything to the wedding.
Unfortunately, I lost the baby after the wedding and ever since that day, he and his mother have been misbehaving to the extent he has asked me to go. According to him, the baby that brought us together is gone. I tried but eventually I left, but after a month he called me back; three months on, it has been one problem or the other. If he isn’t accusing my mother of causing the death of my unborn child since she took me to the hospital when he or his mother weren’t ready because according to him, he doesn’t have a job. Whenever we fight, he picks his things and goes over to his mother to stay.
Recently, he accused me of answering calls in the night. He not only beat me as a result of it but picked his things and left for his parents’. When my father called his mother, she lied that she wasn’t in town so I went to his office to ask for the money he owes me since he asked me to leave the house.
He called his mother who in turn called my father, telling him she doesn’t even know if her son and I are really married hence, the need for us to go our separate ways. I have left his house for my parents.
Can I start another relationship because I am bored being alone?
Worried Rose.  

Dear Worried Rose,
No matter the challenges your marriage is going through, wisdom demands you apply caution. No marriage is without challenges, sacrifices and sometimes regrets.
You are going through these challenges because you didn’t put things right from inception. People don’t get married because they have to but because they want to. You got married because you got pregnant; not for the reason that you both desired it at that moment. But having done it, you must put in everything to make it work.
A lot of us go through life with so many burdens we can do without. This is often because a lot of us refuse to outgrow our childhood days. We bring so many unnecessary garbage from our youths into our adult lives. Some of the mistakes we make in our adult lives are actually those things we ignorantly thought were right for us, the mistakes of our parents and all the adults that had one thing or the other to do in our lives.
The burden of your marriage began the moment you and your husband accepted to take on the burdens of your sets of parents marriages. None of you bothered to investigate the failures of your own parents’ marriages, instead you allowed them infect your lives with what issues they have been battling with in their own marriages which you and your husband know but were too blind by affections to see.
Honestly, there is no way you can both move beyond this point in your marriage if you and your husband don’t move out of the control of your set of parents.
In addition, you need wisdom to overcome the overbearing influence of a mother-in-law.
You have made the first major mistake of not knowing the nature of your husband before getting married to him; don’t make another costly mistake of ending this marriage without x-raying precisely what you feel for him. Granted things are not too good between both of you now but, if left on your own to follow your own way by your parents, things will turn out differently.
This is why you need to exercise some patience for now at least until you are sure of what you really feel for your man and marriage.
This is the point you ask yourself some important questions; did you ever love him that much to marry him in the first place? Would you have married him if it hadn’t been for the pregnancy in the first place?
If the baby was the reason for the marriage; what do you feel now for him? Do you think you have the emotional stamina to make things work between the two of you if given the chance? As a matter of fact, how deep is your love for this man?
There is also the matter of your perception of him. In your mail, you said you picked him from the streets. This kind of attitude gets one into trouble because once you think it, you unknowingly begin to act in such a way that the other person is made to feel inferior. If this is the case, there is no way your husband or his family can be comfortable with that kind of attitude from you or your family.
In the first place, it was wrong of your parents to completely take on the wedding expenses. No matter how much money they have, they should have allowed him contribute something to the wedding after all, it was also his wedding. Doubtless, your parents meant well, and thought they were doing you and your man a favour but experience should have taught them that in matters concerning marriages and in-laws, caution should be applied to avoid wrong interpretation of one’s motives.
As the case is now, your in-laws are misrepresenting the offer of your parents to sponsor the wedding to mean you would dominate their son. Perhaps the opposition to your marriage wouldn’t have been this stiff if your parents had left the two of you to manage your problem, when you got pregnant.
Sponsoring the wedding looked to your in-laws as an act of desperation; one done to make them appear inadequate as well as inferior. There was no way they wouldn’t have sourced money from friends or relations if they had approved of you in the first place. Telling you and your family they don’t have money was to show their lack of support for your relationship with their son. This is the issue your parents should have tackled instantly instead of paying for the wedding expenses.
The fact that they failed to act where and when they should, contributed to the problem you are having with your husband. As it is, if you want to have peace in your marriage, it is high time you took responsibility for your actions. There is no marriage in life that is free of problems. The difference between successful and failed marriages is the extra efforts we put into it.
If you end this marriage on account of the issues you are having with your husband, would you also run away when problems come in your new relationship?
Problems are meant to be solved, so learn to tackle the one you have in your marriage now to avoid greater problems in future. Begin by praying for your husband; he needs your support now more than ever before.
It isn’t normal for a man to pack from his home to his parents’ whenever there is a disagreement between him and his wife. This is the point you begin your prayers from. It is important you stand in the gap for him.
This is in addition to changing your attitude because there are things that need practical solutions which prayers cannot change. Do a check of all the things and ways you are a problem in your marriage. Granted, your husband may have his own problems but only a wise woman knows how to bend her home to success.
Overtime, with the right attitude, your in-laws would come to see the goodness in you and accept you for who you are.
It takes patience and wisdom to win the toughest of marital problems.
Good luck.