Thursday, October 13, 2011

Why do we have to marry?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.

Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.