She Returns From Her Trip Abroad Without Informing Me…

Dear Agatha, 

I am facing a problem which I need you to help me out. First it started with my knowing this lady I am interested in, but lacks the clue on how best to approach her. We talk, all right, but I haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. 

Recently she travelled to undergo a computer-training programme in the States (US) where her elder brother stays. During her stay there, we were constantly in touch, speaking almost every day on the phone just to know how the other was faring. 

To my hurt and pain, she returned to town without even bothering to inform me. You can therefore imagine my surprise when, unexpectedly, I ran into her. 

I didn’t show my pain, but agreed to see her later that day. I really intended to declare my love to her, but on getting to her place she couldn’t even stay for two minutes with me. She only told me she would still be travelling the following week.

Please Agatha, what do I do in a case like this? I am confused.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man,

Get it off your chest. Let her know you are interested in her. As it is now, beyond friendship there is nothing binding the two of you together. Even if she suspects your interest in her, the fact that you haven’t told her anything makes her not accountable to you.

As it is now, you are just a person she constantly chats with on the phone and whom she sees occasionally. If she didn’t tell you when she got back into town, it is because she doesn’t feel the need to inform you of her movement. 

Besides, she could be involved with someone else, the reason she doesn’t want you around her. It is one thing to constantly speak with you on the phone and another thing to have you visit her at home. While she can still explain her phone conversation with you as being from a friend, having you visit her will definitely be difficult to explain especially to a suspicious minded boyfriend. And she won’t be telling lie if she calls you a friend, because until the point you explain your interest in her to her, you are indeed a friend. For all she knows you might simply be someone who really wants to be friends with her, after all not every friendship between the man and woman must end in romance.

Rather than allow her go for the second time without registering your interest, if she is still around, go immediately to her to declare your true intentions. Tell her in whatever way you are comfortable that you are interested in having her as your special woman. Outline your reasons as clearly as you can. 

Confide your fear as well as confusion over her attitude towards you, especially the bit about her coming back to town without telling you even when you both talk frequently over the phone. By letting her know how much her attitude affected you emotionally, you are indirectly underscoring the depth of your relationship with her and how much every decision of hers affects you.

Because the two of you are trying to begin something new, the distance may not do your relationship any good, hence the need for you to find out what her plans are, if it includes relocating to where she did her computer programme. Knowing what her plans for the future would aid the two of you in working out the advantages your different ideas and personalities offer the relationship.

Once you are able to get rid of the fears inside you, pray for God’s wisdom and direction, what you should do and say would be clearer to you.

Good luck. 

Our Planned Trip To The Altar Causes Family Rancour…

Dear Agatha,

I am a boy of 27 years, Yoruba by tribe from a polygamous background. I came to know a lady about two years ago who incidentally is a cousin to my half brothers, one thing led to another and we started dating even though secretly. Last month we decided to make our relationship known to the world by taking the most reasonable step anybody in our age bracket will want to do, which is marriage.

 Both of us are employed with good prospects and so we thought our parents would be overjoyed at our decisions, but alas everybody has turned against us including my stepmother, her mother, my half-brothers, it’s only her father that seems to be supporting us on this issue.

 Please, Agatha, I need your candid advice. Is it a sin or a crime to date her? I need your advice as the lady has threatened to elope with me if we don’t have our parental blessings on this.

 O.A.

Dear O.A.,

In the part of the country I come from, and I did consult too, there is nothing wrong in the two of you getting married since there is no blood connection whatsoever between the two of you. 

However, both of you made a fundamental mistake in not first confiding in some influential people within the family. It was a technical error to come out in the open without first securing the support of some elders and youths who are the arrow heads in your family. 

It is called family politics. The resentment and vehemence in which both of you are being rejected stems from the perceived slight those who traditionally hold the power balance in your family think you have of them. Nobody wants to relinquish power willingly and some people flourish best when they are made the centre of focus within the family; they want to be the first to know everything and act as the clearing house for everything. Because you both failed to factor in their importance, recognize their vital roles and positions in your two families, they would work towards ensuring that nothing is achieved until both of you come back to base.

Honestly, without what we secretly term their meddlesomeness in intricate family affairs like the one you are facing, such issues will never be resolved amicably. 

These are the people you have to go back to; first to apologise and court their support as well as understanding. On account of this initial mistake, don’t stop at just identify these people; go with preferred gifts for them. The intention is not only to get their support but to break their ranks. Your visit may not totally erase the opposition, but would breakup the strength of the opposition, gaining you more support. 

Besides, you will get to learn more of the reason for their objection as well as gain the chance of educating them on why marriage between the two of you isn’t forbidden. You both could also use her father’s support to your advantage. His daughter should appeal to him to reach out too on your behalf.

Breaking up the opposition would see your side growing in strength which at the end of the day would make near consensus possible as it would water down resentment against you and your girlfriend. 

Eloping with her shouldn’t be the first course of action, but the last, if reasons fail to prevail. Besides since the father is on your side, you both don’t have to elope. With his support, a quiet wedding can be done in the registry. 

But is important you both go first to God to ask for His assistance especially going by the massive opposition to your union. 

Even though you are not bothered about it all, good sense demands you should take time to listen to all these complaints. In the interest of the uncertainty of tomorrow, critically examine those you think are worth considering. Both of you should do what must be done to avoid the danger signals to prevent those waiting for your downfall from having the last laugh. 

When a relationship is confronted with so much opposition, it needs plenty of prayers and wisdom to survive on account of those whose desire is for it to crash so that they can say, I told you so. It also requires both of you to be sure of what you are going into, ensuring that all the things that could be a threat to the relationship is honestly discussed and sorted out.

Family ties are usually the hardest to confront and defeat, because they have information no outsider has about your life, hence knows where one is the weakest. But going round to plead for support would help thin out those who are determined to make it their business it doesn’t succeed. The polygamous home is most time a slippery and treacherous ground to step on. Unless firm in God and equipped in His wisdom, you risk falling into a deliberately set up life wire.

It would make a lot of differences if you first commit your trips to these decision makers within your family to the able hands of God.

Even where the opposition is maliciously motivated, God’s presence in your life and relationship will help you both overcome. 

Good luck. 

She Threatens My Plan To Graduate Without Tasting Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age. I need your advice on how to avoid sex in any serious relationship until I am a graduate. There is this girl in my department who has been helping me academically. She is madly in love with me and has been showing her intention to sleep with me despite having a boyfriend, who is a banker. I am also in love with her, but can’t date someone else’s girlfriend. And moreover I don’t want to jeopardise my future. 

Is sex fun? Is sex good? What benefits will I garner if I start indulging in it now? How will I gather the experience, and be able to satisfy my future wife, if I don’t now? 

Worried Boy.

Dear Worried Boy, 

Sex is fun when done within the bounds of marriage. It is one of the best gifts God gave to mankind. It is intended to cement a relationship between man and woman. 

Experience comes naturally and is especially fulfilling when done with the right and trustful person. 

At 20, you may not be ripened enough for the consequences of indulging in the act. With the sweetness of the act lie many dangers. There is the danger of the woman getting pregnant which means you risk becoming a premature father and drowning all your good plans for your future, even if it is for a while.

There is also the danger of you contacting any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Some of these diseases do lead to sterility if not detected at its early stage. 

This, plus the fact that premarital sex do more damage to a relationship that is just beginning, is the reason many young people are now being advised to stay off it. 

One of the major drawbacks of premarital sex is the inability of the couple to relate, build their relationship along the lines of true friendship. Many a time, issues, which should be properly discussed and eliminated from the relationship, are pushed aside by sex. Unfortunately, it gets to a point in the relationship when sex alone can no-longer resolve recognized crises in a relationship. By then, most couples find, to their dismay that they lack other forms of communicating and resolving issues between them; more often than not the result is the couple going their different ways when the issues become too overwhelming for them. 

As for the girl, allow her be. No matter what she wants, be resolute. She belongs to another man. If she wants sex outside her relationship, let her get it elsewhere and not from you. Don’t come between them. 

Good luck.

Her Dossier As Ex-whore Awes Me

 Dear Agatha,

Let me first of all thank you for your selfless efforts in giving quality advice to people you don’t even know. I am a regular reader of your splendid articles and am convinced you have affected so many lives positively. God will continue to give you the most needed knowledge and wisdom to carry on.

 

I?m a Nigerian living in The Netherlands, have what it takes to get married at this ripe time, but there is something bothering my mind. I would love to marry a Nigerian woman, not a foreigner. 

I am in love with a Nigerian girl here whom I later discovered has been traumatised. She was a victim of human trafficking, forced into prostitution.

I’ve tried to help her come out from her past, but the more I try the more things get worst. From all indications, she?s still dwelling in her past, because most of her attitudes reflect the presence of unsolved psychological problems.

 

My question is this, do you think is possible for her to come out of her past and embrace the present and future? And in your sincere opinion, is it advisable for me to marry an ex-prostitute?

Please help me out.

Diaspora Nigerian.

Dear Diaspora Nigerian, 

What I think has nothing to do with what you feel for this woman. The power of love is such a great thing that it can forgive anything. Hence whatever anybody says or does is immaterial, provided you have the guts and passion to make it work for both of you. Besides, we all come condemned. At least with her, you know what you are going into unlike in other situations where you think the person you are involved with is a saint only to discover the person is Lucifer’s incarnate. 

A lot of the time, it is the person we have become that has the essence in life, not the mistakes we made in the past. If her mistake is prostitution and she has repented, who is anybody to condemn whom God hasn’t?

If her offence doesn’t include prostituting her body again, then every other thing she is going through or doing can be resolved by both of you. What is important here is the amount of love you in particular have for this woman. 

Because you are going to have the challenge of living with the stigma of her past, you must be sure of your feelings to prevent causing her greater psychological harm. Should you abandon the marriage midway on account of not being able to tolerate any more memories of her past life, you could send her to her abyss. Therefore be sure you know what you feel and is contemplating going into. 

Again, it would help if you make her go over again the details of her life from the time she can remember to the time you both met. The information is essential to help you know what to do and where to concentrate efforts in the task of re-habilitating her.

Don’t forget that prostitution wasn’t something she planned on when she came to Europe, but found herself being forced into it by the people she trusted cum with the unfriendly circumstances of her host country. Unless naturally promiscuous, many women who go into prostitution are never happy doing it, hence it causes them to develop psychological problem, because it takes something special for a woman to open herself to any man. 

When she is forced to endure the presence, attention and involvement of so many men in her life, it makes her feel inferior and abused. After years of enduring the attention of different men, most of whom are drunks, demand situations of her which in ordinary circumstances should never be made to do, meeting a man who finally decides to treat her like a woman would take a lot of time getting used to.

You are a different ball game, showing her another side of man, one who condemns her body and soul. Right now, she can’t believe you are for real at all, because she is still asking herself the question ‘why her’ when you can get any woman you like to marry.

Sincerely, she is finding it difficult to place the woman she had hoped to be side-by-side with the woman she is now and trying to have an image of the woman you are trying to make her be. 

Don’t also ignore the fact that someone’s promise to her got her into prostitution, now you are coming with another promise, can she trust you to help her out of the woods of doom someone callously plunged her into? 

Until she is sure of who you are and what your real intentions are, the battle of whether to trust someone with her life once again or continue in the one she has been forced into would continue to go on in her mind. 

As a man ready to spend the rest of his life with her, there are certain things you must do not just declarations. You must go beyond the level of telling her you love her to acting it. The first real challenge for both of you is to go with her to those places she frequented, where her trade is known to declare through demonstration your desire to make an honest woman out of her. If not convinced of your intentions before, allowing yourself to be seen with her in her former business district, cuddling her and acting as if she is the only woman alive, would help reduce the tension of anxiety she feels each time she remembers the past and the new future you plan with her. 

You have to help her recover her courage to face the world with the little dignity she has. You have to offer her a foolproof blanket of undiluted love and true friendship, enough to make her relax and truly hope for the first time in a long while to hope for something good.

No number of re-habilitation homes can do what your love can do for her. It is only a true, selfless, patient and tolerant person that can drag the defeated woman who has been buried deep inside her out of the image of the woman before you. The real person died the day she went into peddling her body to satisfy the greed and tricky nature of those who lured her abroad and the trade she was forced into. 

Don’t forget she lost her dignity as a woman as well as respect for herself in the process of doing this. 

It will take the grace of God as well as your unreserved attention to make her come completely bury the painful memories of that time of her life. 

Even in making love to her, you have to show some decency and sensitivity to her mood. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to assume that having been a prostitute she must know what you want in the bedroom. No! Pretend, if you have to do that, she is coming to you with fresh credentials. Pamper her with every attention as well as making sure you don’t appear to be too desperate to go to bed with her, if you haven’t committed the mistake already. Give her time to get used to you, show her what true courtship is, before bringing up the issue of sex if you must. And when with her, make it appear as if it’s the first time for her by showing her consideration every step of the way. This you can achieve by asking her questions about her preferences, whether you are hurting her or not even when you know you are not as well as allowing her a say in the way things go between the two of you.

There is also the need for you at every point to remind her of the quality of your love. With her you must say and do it together to help her overcome the psychological and emotional problems she has harboured for long.

Because all these emotions took some time to build up, it would also take time for it to vanish. Don’t expect instant transformation, because this isn’t a movie, but a real life situation. Expect her to, from time to time, fall into depression and self-loathing, but with you by her side she would eventually heal as long as you are honest enough on this issue. 

Sincerely, if you have made up your mind to marry this woman, do so and stop worrying about what anybody would say, and please don’t discuss the issue of her past life with anybody again. The most important thing is for you to be sure she is the right woman for you. 

If you have doubts, please don’t hesitate to go to God in prayers and total supplications. He is the only one able to direct you appropriately.

Good luck. 

Mum Won’t Wait For My Student Lover…

Dear Agatha,  

I am a lady of 24 years of age in a two-year old relationship with a guy of same age. I am a graduate while he is still in school, 200 Level, to be precise, but the issue is that we’re so much in love with each other. His greatest fear is that someday I’ll become impatient and eventually leave him. 

My mother is against the relationship and she isn’t hiding it. Few weeks back, she brought up the issue again and made me realize that she won’t support it at all.

Agatha, what do you think I do? I don’t know how to confront this guy with the situation of things? I can’t afford to hurt him?

Please advise me on this issue before I take the wrong step.

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl, 

First, he has to know the truth concerning your mother’s opposition to him and why she is against the relationship. There is no way you can continue to protect him from the knowledge of your mother’s hostility to the relationship. Telling him yourself would help him appreciate the situation, but if he finds out from your mother, it would only complicate things between the two of you as he would lack the necessary patience to find out if the resentment is against his person or the fact that as a woman, you may not have the time to wait for him to finish schooling, go for one year mandatory service to nation and get a job before he is ready for the challenges of marriage. 

To be candid, your mother’s worry isn’t misplaced. At 22, you may seem to have all the time in the world to wait for this man to be ready, but think with as much clarity as you can, having finished schooling, do you think it is possible to wait for him to finish studying and go through all the processes of being ready? 

The natural order of things is for the man to wait for the woman to be ready to have good start in the relationship and not the woman waiting for the man. 

One of the fears of your mother, which is justified, given the unpredictable nature of human beings, is the guarantee of this man keeping to his end of the promise. What if after waiting patiently for him he abandons you for a much younger person? What would be your fate especially as you would have forgone very credible and promising proposals?

Your mother needs assurances that her daughter would not be left high and dry. She speaks from experience of one who has seen it all. You may not like her stance on this issue, but be patient enough to reason with her. Unlike you, she is far from the scene, which makes it easier for her to take in the whole set at a time, because unlike you, who is only able to view the close up of a tiny segment of the entire stage. 

Your mother isn’t saying you cannot date the boy, but that the circumstances of dating him aren’t right. Had you being the one still in school, she may have no reason to be worried. 

Rather than retort her opposition, look at her reasons. Yes, you are definitely in real love to want to put your life on the hold for him, but you must be sure he is worth this sort of sacrifice at the end of the day. So that he won’t turn around to make you feel like a complete fool for deciding to wait for him to be ready. 

Though life has no guarantee, but you must make the efforts to work at securing your happiness. 

For now, it would do you both a world of good to keep the relationship open, no committal promises that might be difficult for you especially to keep. Being a woman, your life isn’t as elastic as that of the man, at whatever age a man desires, he can still marry and make babies with the same efforts he uses while breathing in and out. Not so for a woman, whose biological clock is fixed by the Creator to last but for a period (from menarche to menopause). Medically, you are in your best years when you are most likely to incur any risk at child-birth. By the time you are in your 30s, the alarms are up, ready to go off. This is the reality of a woman’s life, and no amount of love can change it.

So in waiting for him to be ready, you must get real. For how long are you expected to wait? Is it until he finishes his education, which barring any ugly incident, would be in two years from now, assuming he is studying a four-year course? The years would stretch to three years if he is lucky to follow the first batch of NYSC members, but if not, that is extra two years. Be honest, can you wait for the extra years of uncertainties generated by the need to work, make enough to set up a home and care for the family irrespective of how much you are willing to offer to the building of the home?

Both of you must sit to discuss this friends, it is the only way you can make something out of this situation. If you both insist on talking as a couple in a relationship, the sentiments of lovers would come to blind fold you both to the reality of the situation ahead of you. 

But when you two talk as friends, you help yourselves acquire the needed understanding to move on. 

Good luck.