Thursday, September 27, 2012

My mother-in-law is a tyrant

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though she pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me, that particular food isn’t eaten in her family. The worst thing is that my husband would come and not say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of his family treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house. My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age stays in the house. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way but, a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about, lack of insincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then, were willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come overcome the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with very elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to it. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-n-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation you are in to survive this marriage. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life. Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You and your in-laws are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complains to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have-you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, let him see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. Until you leave the house, where you can, avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.

He appears stingy

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and must commend your good work here. Do keep it going. I am actually writing on behalf of my friend who needs advice. But first I need to know this: must a guy be presenting a girl with gifts before he can be said to truly love the girl? Also, do you think that two people having a distant relationship may end up getting together in life some day? Well, my friend has this guy abroad whom she has not met before but has only seen through a picture. They have been talking on phone for over a year now. The guy says he loves her and she also feels she loves him too; obviously she misses him terribly and thinks of him all the time. But what she doesn’t understand is why the guy has not bothered sending her anything at all since they started this distant date of theirs. She, however, says that the guy tells her he doesn’t have a well-paying job over there, is trying to survive and see a way to come back to the country so they would get married. But personally I feel that irrespective of how hard things are for a guy, he can just try to present the girlfriend with some gifts to show he cares really. Honestly, I do not know what advice to give to my friend as she pictures having a future together with this guy yet she complains that the guy has not sent her anything. On certain occasions, she pretended to the guy that she had no money and the guy told her that she should stop working so he would know that he is working for two and would then start sending her money. Agatha, please how can you interpret this? Fine, the guy might not be stingy but does that depict love in any sense? And he goes on all day telling my friend that he loves her dearly and can’t wait to get back to be with her. My friend says the guy tells her that since they started talking, about 13 months ago he has not met any other woman sexually because he loves and respects her. And he also asked God to give him the grace not to mess with any other woman whenever he finds one he wants to marry. Please, could you say that the guy is being honest here as a man? Help me advise my friend as I want her to move on with her life rather than wait for this guy whom she feels she obviously loves. And she is worried as to whether the guy would be able to take care of her needs irrespective of the fact that she is able to take care of herself financially. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, Three is always a crowd in any relationship. No matter how noble your intentions are, constant interference in this relationship isn’t healthy at all. If care isn’t taken, you would be ruining this relationship between your friend and her boyfriend. Step aside and allow both of them make their mistakes. Also, you must avoid a situation where you and your friend would quarrel over this matter. Yes, you have every right to be concerned but there are limits. Your friend is in love and from experience; it is the wrong time to try to convince anyone to be careful. Don’t discourage them. Allow them be. The danger of you insisting she leaves him may boomerang on your friendship. Overtime, she could begin to wonder and rightly too what your interest really is. You have told her your fears; allow her make her mistakes because it is through those mistakes she can learn to cope with life’s challenges. Your role as a friend is to be there for her always, not discouraging her from being in love with this man. Love can happen in unexpected places and situations. If both of them are able to manage the relationship and build on the confidence to make it work, it can irrespective of what you think. Doubtless, distant relationship has its drawbacks but a lot depends on the couple involved. First, they must have an understanding of each other as well as appreciate the risk of living apart. Problems come when the couples live on idealism, pretending that nothing can go wrong. The truth is, couples that stay apart face a lot of temptations in their relationships. Although those that live together too face the same challenges but the risk of extra marital affair is higher in distant relationships because there are days when the body chemistry is too strong to resist. This is where commitment and sense of responsibility to one’s spouse comes in. This is also the point where trust plays a vital role. Both of them need to talk openly about this vital issue and she must have the trust to believe what he says. If he says he hasn’t slept with a woman since meeting her, until confronted with evidences, it is in her interest to trust him and give him all the encouragement he needs to be on the right track. When a woman refuses to have confidence in the words of her man, she creates crisis for herself; sometimes as serious as the man forsaking whatever good intentions he has to make the woman happy. Until your friend is confronted with evidences of this man’s irresponsibility, it would be wrong to say he is lying. She has to learn to trust him on little things first. To distrust him is to call to questions the sanity of her feelings. At any rate, she knew this man lives abroad, must have put into consideration this salient fact before agreeing to a relationship with him. No matter how smart the man is, if she is able to get him whenever she calls, picks her calls no matter the time, she must learn to trust him a little bit. She can only worry when he is unable to pick her calls at a particular time, gives excuses for not picking her calls at odd hours, insists he does all the calling that she can suspect him of any thing. As for being stingy, it is a simple matter of what is important to your friend. In the first place, what is her motive for going into the relationship? If she is comfortable financially why is she lying about needing funds for something when she really doesn’t need it? Is her choice of this man based on the fact that he lives abroad? Before you can accuse this man of being miserly, there must be enough proof that he indeed has the money and is not ready to give her. Chances are that she may actually be better off financially than this man. The fact that he lives abroad doesn’t mean he automatically controls the vault of that nation. Relationship is also about understanding where the other person is coming from. That a man lavishes gift on his woman doesn’t mean he is in love with her. It could just be infatuation, lust or other emotion that isn’t love. He could also be refusing to send money to find out if she indeed is in love with him or only interested in his money. Like it is difficult for you to trust him, he could also be suspicious of what your friend feels for him. Your friend has to decide what is important to her, his money or his trust and friendship? They are not talking about relationship here; they are thinking of a lifetime journey together. Hence the need for her to be careful about the values she plays up. If he is a struggling young man, honest enough to say he doesn’t have excess cash to throw around, she has to make up her mind whether this is good enough for her or not. If money is her motivation for this relationship, she shouldn’t pretend about it. From all indices, this man may not be her man but if her intention is to marry him out of love, she must learn from this early stage to make the required sacrifices to solidify the foundation they are both planning to put up. It is also imperative you step aside for this couple to fuse, make their mistakes and learn from these mistakes. Good luck.

Help! Married, but pregnant for a married man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age and married with four children but have never enjoyed sex with my husband. Before we got married, I told him about it; he was unhappy and angry with me but when I realised I was pregnant, we decided to get married. But recently, I have been seeing another man who is very good in bed; he satisfies me and he is the perfect size for me. I am deeply in love with him. He is equally married and claims to be in love with me but I am not really sure. I am four months pregnant for this man and have tried to have an abortion but all the four doctors I consulted are of the opinion that it is risky for me to do it. They say I might lose my life in the process. The man wants the baby but each time we are together, he is always on the phone with other ladies. But my feelings for him remain the same. I love him dearly but I don’t want to leave my husband who is also very much in love with me. But I am cheating on him. What am I supposed to do? Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, You are wicked. What manner of woman, wife and mother are you? Do you understand the meaning of love or what a marriage entails? Love isn’t selfish and self-centered. Love isn’t sex only. It takes much more to be happy in a marriage. Why did you agree to marry him in the first place when you knew from the beginning he wasn’t good enough for you in bed? Being pregnant wasn’t enough reason for you to marry him when you already knew that he will never be able to measure up to your requirement in the bedroom; knew that sex mattered to you than anything in life. It would have been better and more honourable for you to end up a single mother than the disgrace, pains, embarrassment and betrayal that you are about to visit on this man; whose only offence is to have married you. What is your definition of pleasure? You went into your marriage with your eyes wide opened; had the experience of his ‘size’, knew the limits he could go and what measure you could give. A responsible woman would have since learnt the act of helping her husband improve on his performance. Sexual satisfaction is relative. Some come from the actual act while a major part of it comes from one’s understanding of the whole essence of lovemaking. Only an infant concentrates understanding on the actual act of sex. A more matured woman knows that there is a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the lips and fingers. What he lacked in size you would have steered him to make up for in other ways. The fact that you didn’t know how to step in to help his shortfall and aid your marriage recover from whatever problems you have polluted it with, underscores your selfishness as a woman and your lack of understanding of your role as a wife. If you have had four children for a man you claim isn’t satisfying you in bed, how many children will you have had for him if he were satisfying you? Isn’t there more to marriage than sex? What kind of story will you tell your children when this whole thing becomes public knowledge? If your daughter comes to you with this kind of messy story, what will you tell her? Even if you must have an affair, why didn’t you use protection? You cannot be said to be ignorant of the consequences of a man and woman sleeping together without protection. So why did you allow this man into your body without any form of protection? This tells the story of a total lack of respect for the man you have four children for as well as a total disinterest in your marriage. No matter how good the other man is in bed, you forgot you owe your image and children some measure of decency. It is quite unfortunate. Why didn’t you tell your husband if the issue bothered you so much? Between you both, you would have been able to work out something that will help you both come to a perfect understanding of your persons. In all honesty, there is no easy way out of this mess. You cannot pass this pregnancy off as your husband’s. Even if you plan to, the other man is already aware of being the father of your unborn child. He has a right to come and demand for his child anytime he deems it fit especially as he has expressed a desire for you to have the baby. What a man can get away with in marriage, a woman cannot. While this man can afford to bring a child from another woman into his home, you cannot do it. It is unheard of. Besides, you are a married woman; how can you be pregnant for another man? What kind of example are you setting for your children? Why will this so called boyfriend of yours respect you, when you don’t value yourself? What were you expecting; that he will honour you and cherish you for having an affair with him outside your home? That he will marry you or what? No man wants a woman he cannot trust. The fact that you are in another man’s house, a mother of four and having an affair with him, is enough for him to form a terrible opinion about you. Even if you become single today, you are not the kind of woman this man will feel comfortable to marry because you are just as capable of being unfaithful to him as you are with your current husband. Every man wants a certain measure of security with the woman in his life. Besides, there is no vacancy in his life for a woman like you. He is married and only enjoying what you have offered him. For all he cares, you are cheap hence can call several women in your presence. Men shield only women they treasure from the knowledge of their affairs with other women but cannot be bothered with women they have little or no regard for. In the opinion of the man, you are no better than the women he is constantly on the phone with. If you, a married woman, can have an affair with him and get pregnant for him, why should he pretend you are the only fling he is having? You stepped out of your home into his arms because you of what you think he has. The truth is when he is tired of you, he will walk you out of his bed. As for the pregnancy, you should have thoroughly thought about all your options when you decided to have this affair and, do it without any form of protection. Pregnancy isn’t something you can hide. You have to decide what you want to do urgently. But don’t be tempted to pass off this child as your husband’s. You may get away with it for the time being, but God has a way of exposing such acts. You have made one major mistake; don’t make another by following what you think is the easy way out. Consider the other children whose paternity you will be calling to question if your husband later finds out about this child. He may not be reasonable enough to conduct DNA tests on these other children before rejecting you and them. And even if he does agree to have the tests done on them, what about the children you will be subjecting to these embarrassing tests? Do you think you will ever be able to recover whatever little respect they have for you when they find out who you really are and how your insatiable quest for sex is denying them of respect and acceptance in some quarters? Do you know what harm you will be doing to your daughters should this matter explode on your face? While I have never supported divorce or separation on this page, I make bold to suggest you bow out of this marriage before you destroy your husband more than you have already done. He doesn’t deserve a woman like you. You will only be destroying him further and for another woman if you stay longer than necessary in this marriage. Since you are pregnant and unable to abort the child, coupled with the fact that this other man is asking you to keep it, use the little honour you have left to quit on your own. If your husband, at the end of the day, tells you to stay, that he will be able to live with the knowledge, at least let it be his decision; not yours to make. We are not equally gifted with the grace to forgive; what one man can tolerate, another one won’t. Just hope you have learnt from your mistake. Good luck.

I found condoms in her bag

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been dating my girlfriend for close to four years. We are very close and I have plans to marry her because she has the qualities I admire in a woman. But for Sanusi’s banking revolution, we would have got married in June this year. However, we are still planning for January next year. But something happened of recent that is making me reconsider my stance. Although she had tried explaining the incident but I am not convinced at all. Three weeks ago, she wasn’t by her bag when her phone kept ringing. She was in the bathroom so I decided to take the phone to her since the caller appeared desperate to talk to her. In the process of removing the phone from her bag, an opened packed of condoms fell from it. I initially didn’t notice it in my haste to give her the phone but when I came back to the room to pick the item that fell from her back, I was shocked to see it was a packet of condom. Since meeting her, I have never used a condom with her and don’t have any in my house. Two sachets were missing from the packet. I decided not to read too much meaning into it until she came out of the bedroom. I could sense fear in her the moment she saw what I was holding in my hands. She tried to bluff her way through it by asking what I was doing with a packet of condom but seeing the look on my face, she quickly changed her strategy and began to haltingly explain how she came about it. From her explanations, the only thing that I could grab was the fact that it belonged to her friend; that the said friend whose face I haven’t come across in my four years with her forgot it in her bag. When I demanded to know how her friend could forget such incriminating thing in her hands, she said it was in the process of their discussions and that the two sachets that were missing were taken out by them when they were having funny discussions women usually have about men. Ordinarily, knowing how witty she is and having listened to some of the things she and the friends I know say about men, I could imagine the things they could say when they were all alone. She and some of her friends are capable of saying anything about just anything. That I can handle because it is one of the things I cherish about her. But why I doubt her is the identity of this so-called friend. I have never met her and I can say categorically that I have met most of her friends. This is what worries me. The identity of this friend! Although I tried to discreetly ask the friends I know with her if they could recognise the name of this friend. Her two very good friends claimed she was one of them and that she resided in South Africa, hence her absence from their scene. I am trying very much to believe them but you know how friends are, always in the habit of covering up for each other. I am very disturbed about it all. I haven’t discussed this with anybody for fear of making a fool of myself. I am the one that deflowered her and still trust her. But Agatha, I don’t know what to believe: her words or the evidence in my hands. I love her so much. Please help me! Ademola. Dear Ademola, It is quite dicey but you just have to go by what you already know of her. Sometimes not all the evidences we think we have are real. In some cases, they can really be wrong and misleading. If one is not careful and of a discerning mind, a lot of things would have missed target before one realises where the mistake is coming from. To help you out of this, go back in time to what you know of her. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her; think she could be involved with another man? Do you think if she is that, she would place such evidence in her bag, a place she knows you have access to anytime? Women who cheat are not that careless. They are too smart to be caught; however, to convince yourself that you are not being taken for a ride, insist on speaking first with this friend. Without prior warning, ask her to dial the number of this friend of hers that you want to speak with her. Her reactions to this simple request would give you clearer picture into the game she is playing. If her story is true, she won’t hesitate to allow you speak with this friend and tell her what the packet of condoms she left with her is causing in her relationship. I sense a fear deep inside of you, the fear of not wanting her to know that you are capable of feeling insecure. It is your right to feel insecure when confronted with issues in your relationship that you don’t understand. It doesn’t make you less of a man but more of a human who can feel what every person who is in love feels. Let her know how that incident affected you as well as its likely consequences on your relationship. She has to understand the breach of trust that incident has caused to happen in your relationship. Once you are able to ascertain that the friend is real, forget about the incident. Love has a way of healing every wound in a relationship. But if she still hesitates to allow you meet or speak with her, know there is more to the story than she is telling you. At that point, demand for honest explanations from her, insisting it would be best she tells you the truth no matter how much it would hurt you than for you to find out later; that by then it would be impossible for you to consider any plea. After this you can take a decision on what is best for you. However, entrust everything to God and allow His will to be done.

My stepchildren don’t want me in their lives

Dear Agatha, I got married to a married man four years ago. I don’t know what happened between him and his wife but he agreed to marry me with my three children from a previous marriage. But from the day we got married, his children never liked me. From their attitude, it was clear that my children and I weren’t wanted in that house. Whenever my children wanted to watch a particular film, they would insist on watching another channel. When I also shared food, they will complain I wasn’t giving them enough; that my children’s share was more than theirs. In the beginning, I tried to ignore them but it got to a point I couldn’t take it anymore. Besides, my children too couldn’t tolerate being told what to do and how to live anymore in the house. My eldest daughter, who naturally is temperamental, took on the eldest of my stepchildren. The children naturally queued behind their own sibling. Out of anger, I also took sides with my children, warning my stepchildren that from that point, it was going to be tit-for-tat. Going down memory lane, I knew it was wrong but I wasn’t thinking straight that day. My husband was away when this incident happened but his children told him everything that happened including the position I took. Rather than listen to my side of the story and the reason for the position I took, he called my children to warn them against fighting his children in the house. That really got me angry. I felt very hurt and humiliated. From that point, I devised a means of relating with his children. I ensured that my children got the best of everything. After a while the children stopped complaining especially when the eldest went back to school. The other two, being twins left for the university at the same time. I noticed they weren’t coming home regularly as before. They would come, spend only a night and leave again. I didn’t bother to ask even though I knew I should. Since none of his family members supported his decision to marry me, I wasn’t expecting them to visit so was not surprised when none of his people ever came to visit us; not even the birth of my daughter brought any of them to the house. Their attitude didn’t bother me one bit. I noticed too that my husband’s attitude started to change towards me. Without explaining why, he stopped paying my children’s school fees. Whenever I went to him for their school fees, he would always give me a reason for his inability to pay. I soon got tired of going to him. Even when the children stopped going to school, he didn’t bother. But, whenever I wanted anything for his child, he would give me without complaining. Now his children are insisting that their mother comes back to the house. What more, his family members are also in support of his former wife coming back. Please help me. I don’t want to lose my home. All my overtures to his children have failed as they insist on their mother coming back to their father. He paid my bride price. What do I do? He married the other woman in court and weren’t formally divorced. Modupe. Dear Modupe, As long as he didn’t formally divorce his wife, you are married to another woman’s husband whether he paid your bride price or not. By right, the house belongs to her. And now that she and her husband appear to have sorted out their differences, you cannot stop her from coming back. It is you that has to decide what you want to do; either to stay or quit the house. But you can be rest assured that whatever decision you take must go down well with the first wife and her children. Although you cannot be blamed for marrying this man given the fact that he was without a wife when you both met; but from your narration, you are to blame for the things happening to you now. You didn’t behave as a woman who wanted to last long in this house or desired happiness for the people you met in the house. If you did, you wouldn’t have started with fighting the children in the family. In the first place, you and your children came to upset the routine of the children in their home. You came with your children to destabilise their relationship with their father. If they behaved in ways you didn’t like, more than anyone else, you should have understood their feelings and disappointment at the whole development. Having you in their lives was bad enough; coming with three children couldn’t have been tea party for them. Before you came, they had their father and everything in the house to themselves. Nobody told them what channels to watch or not to watch. You shouldn’t have gotten yourself involved in the battle of supremacy by the children. You should have allowed all of them sort out their differences in their own way by telling your children to respect the wishes of your stepchildren. A wise woman would have done everything to make her husband’s children happy by showing them true love; the kind they needed at that time to be happy. Encouraging your children to come and destabilise these children in their father’s house was a very wrong move, one that portrayed you to these children and their father as a wicked stepmother. If their father took you in with three children and was paying their school fees, what would it have cost you to be nice, accommodating and supportive of his children? Having accepted you and your children into his home and life, he expected you too to be a mother to his children; not fight or deny them of their rights in their father’s house. If things were that easy and simple, you wouldn’t have brought them to live with you in another man’s house or allowed him to pay their fees. Taking on the responsibility to care for your children was his way of telling you to be a mother too to his children. The moment you failed to do that, you destroyed not just his reason for marrying you but also that of looking after your children. The moment you umpired a fight between your children and his children in the way you did, you killed the dream that could have been between the two of you. You also unwittingly made him rethink his options especially as they will affect the future of his children. If you can encourage your children to fight his children in his house, then there is no telling what you will do to his children should anything happen to him. Sincerely, your actions told him all he needed to know about the kind of person you really are. Therefore, the decision to reconcile with his former wife may not be as a result of pressure from his children or family members but from your own haste to eliminate his children. No man wants to sleep with fire on his roof. Frankly, there is nothing you can do at this point beyond discussing his decision concerning you and your baby in the latest development. The native law marriage is the easiest to dissolve. It is a matter of going to your family to tell them he is no longer interested and to demand for the bride price he paid on you. When you had the chance to endear yourself to the children, you didn’t. There is no way they will align with you against their mother. When issues get complicated like this, the best approach is to be prepared for the worst: you being asked to go. If there is a way you can get to your ex, get in contact with him to train his children. It is his right to train his children. Good luck.

Friday, September 21, 2012

I want to marry another woman to hurt my wife

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am so angry and bitter that my wife of over 30 years betrayed me. I am over 50 years but my wife’s betrayal and lies have reduced me to tears and I am finding it hard to reconcile the issues involved. I have been abroad for about twelve or more years trying to raise money to provide good education for my six children and maintain my family. I have been able to see three of my six children through university education and the remaining three will be out in a year’s time. All these years I have been away, I call my wife and children weekly and send their monthly upkeep. It happened that one of my daughters got pregnant while in the university and even failed to inform me. Each time I called and hear the cries of a baby, I always ask my wife whose baby was crying. She kept telling it was the neighbour’s baby left in her care. This lie persisted for four years; not even when I moved them to Lagos did she tell me the truth. Even her sisters joined in keeping this information away from me until one day, I sensed something was wrong somewhere. I insisted on knowing the identity of the crying baby. She eventually broke down in tears to tell me that the baby actually belonged to my daughter. I cried for what they did to me. Up to this moment, she has not volunteered information concerning the identity of the man involved. The information I have concerning the incident is coming from my children. According to them, she dropped out of the University for a year even though I was sending her school fees. My children apologised for keeping the information away from me. They said they were scared of what I would have done. They also said the man is doing his best to provide for the child and that he has severally objected to my being kept in the dark about the existence of the child. I do not know this man and he has not spoken to me but has been communicating with my wife. They christened this child without my knowledge, it’s painful. I have forgiven my daughter and have sent her back to the university. But, I want to get back at my wife for hurting me badly so I want to take a new wife. I promised to continue to look after her but I have no more feelings for her and I am planning to take a new wife who will be honest and trustworthy to me. I need your sincere advice on what to do but remember I have forgiven her for the sake of the children. Besides, our children are all grown up. I don’t think I can trust such a woman in my life again. Till now, I do not know her reason for doing this to me because she has said nothing to me but am still sending her upkeep allowances and have forgiven my children but won’t ever forget the incident. Please tell me what I should do with this kind of woman. Angry Husband. Dear Angry Husband, A lot of things don’t sit right about your story. Money isn’t the solution to everything in life. Leaving your family for more than 12 years in pursuit of financial benefits has its disadvantages. Had you taken time out to come home intermittently to visit your family or delegated some members of your family to visit them, you would have known precisely when your daughter got pregnant and had the child. The fact that your immediate family also maintained sealed lips about the matter underscores a concern that you may have stayed away for far too long to be consulted over certain matters. When a man leaves his family for the number of years you have left yours, so many things are bound to go wrong with his placement and ranking in the family. Sending money monthly and calling them every week isn’t the same thing as having you around or you coming home once in a while to put things right. When a head of the family decides to make another man’s land his homeland, leaving his family in the hands of a woman, this is the kind of situation he has to put up with. Your wife first and foremost is a mother; who understands the implication of telling her husband, she hasn’t seen for several years that his daughter is pregnant. A combination of fear and dread of not knowing how you would react; could have stopped her from saying anything. For all she knows, you could decide not to send her and the children money again as form of punishment for the sin of the one that got pregnant. Besides, there are certain things that don’t come out right on the phone, no matter how well one tries to make it sound right. Telling you the daughter you expect so much from; has built a dream around, has decided otherwise may not be as easy as it appears. First, is the conclusion you would come to, about her style of leadership in the home. Your pains and disappointment may make you overreact to the extent of grouping her alongside her daughter. What if you decide not to answer her call after receiving the news, how is she going to get around the obstacle created in your relationship by this distance? And have you also bothered to know how she has coped without your help raising six children including boys? It couldn’t have been easy for her to have maintained decorum and sanity as a woman and mother. Like every woman in her shoes, she must feel bitter, angry and dejected at her status as a grass widow. Her reason may just be total anger at her situation. Anger and disappointment, at having to live like a widow, when she as a matter of fact, has a husband. Besides, it is queer that nobody in your family or among the friends you have here told you about your daughter’s condition. This means you too aren’t without blames of your own. Granted your wife was wrong not to have told you but what about your family members and the friends you have down here? Why the conspiracy of silence from all quarters? Rather than blame your wife alone, ask yourself why your family members and friends also kept the information away from you? While not supporting the decision of your wife not to inform you about the incident, your resolution to take another wife will, given the nature of your marriage, be seen by your family and friends as pre-planned. There is no way you could have remained faithful, a celibate all these years. There must have been those occasional women or woman that takes care of your emotional needs. That you are thinking of marrying another woman based on the excuse of your wife not telling you about your grandchild, maybe be viewed by those close to you as ploy to give legality to one of the affairs you have been having all these years. If it were just a matter of your wife not telling you about your grandchild, surely, you can forgive her? There is no marriage without its rough side; slips and accidents. Doubtless, she made a very grave error but taking another wife isn’t a solution. Sincerely, this would have been a perfect time for you to come home and personally attend to affairs in your home and marriage. This kind of issue isn’t what you can sort out on the phone; if you cannot come down to the country, can’t you send for her? This matter is beyond the issue of your daughter’s pregnancy and baby. It has more to do with your marriage than the matter you are playing up. How can you leave a woman for 12 years and expect her to be happy? There is no way she will ever have the kind of peace of mind she had when you were leaving her. Inside her mind are a cocktail of questions, begging for answers. Like you, the years apart have toughened her, given her a new perceptive to life which only your presence can correct. Having lived on her own all these years, taking another wife won’t make much difference to her since you haven’t been a husband to her in the real sense of the world for more than a decade. Money and phone calls are not what make you the husband of a woman or father to children. Your presence matters a lot. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. For instance, how have you occupied your free time? Can you in all honesty say you have been faithful to her: that you have not hurt her in anyway? What assurances do you have that your new wife won’t misbehave if she is made to live like your present wife? It takes two to destroy a marriage just as it takes two to build it. You can only be happy at the end of the day if you are honest enough to face the real truth concerning your marriage. Your decision to hide behind a finger will only cause more problems for you in life. Good luck.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Should I declare my love for him?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a 33 year old single lady. I have this friend who is very close to me. We share everything in common. We met while we were at the university. He was a year my senior. Since the day we met at the university, we have remained firm friends; have gone through several heartbreaks together and rallied behind each other during such moments. Everybody thought we were dating, including my roommates but they soon discovered we were just platonic friends. Every relationship we went into took cognizance of our special friendship and bond. Unfortunately for both of us, we are still single. He at 35, is still searching while at my age, I haven’t found the right man for me from among the many suitors I am getting. For me it goes beyond not finding the right person. I have found that special person, in my best friend. I love him with all my heart which is why no other man interests me. His friend, who is very close to both of us once told us to stop deceiving ourselves and hurting innocent people by agreeing to relationships we know won’t work. He told us to our faces that we are both too much in love with each other but are either too stupid or blind to notice. I have noticed Agatha, that without him, no other man that will ever be good enough for me. He is currently not in any relationship. All our friends are married. We are the only ones left. My elder sister who is my best-friend and in the know says, I should end our joint nightmare by telling him how I feel about him. There is no doubt we are close but how do I tell him that l love him? I don’t want anything that will end our relationship at all. I rather, we remain friends than not have him in my life at all. I know he is very shy while I am the outspoken and daring one but, this is something I don’t even know where to begin from. Besides, is it right for a woman to approach a man for a relationship? Won’t he take me for granted after a while, think I am becoming desperate to even suggest such a thing? What would people say about us after years of denying that we are just friends? I am so confused because I cannot exist without him; I love him with every fiber of my body. He is not just handsome, a pure ladies man but an angel at heart which is why I wonder why none of the ladies that flock round him hasn’t been able to capture his heart. Though I am glad he is still single. Please help me Agatha to be happy. Susan. Dear Susan, People will always talk, so perish that line of thoughts from your mind. Don’t make what people will say a reason for you not to pursue your happiness if this is the man that will give it to you. These same people will blame you for being timid in later years, if he ends up marrying another woman. Also, don’t let what he would say bother you from telling him about your feelings for him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Your friendship over the years has given you the right and liberty to confide your feelings for him to him. The worst that can happen is, for him to turn down your request. Civilization has put paid to stereotypes that give men the exclusive rights to approach women; these days, women are approaching the men they like for relationships. Being your old time friend makes it easier; if nothing else, your boldness will help both of you put your feelings in the right perspective. One of you must take the initiative to help clear the dense air now surrounding your lives as a result of the many things you are both refusing to say to each other out of fear. It is sad enough that you are both hurting other people who really wanted something serious from the relationships they went into with the two of you. It would be more terrible to end your lives in emotional mysteries simply because you both lack the courage to face and tackle your feelings for each other. On the issue of him mocking your audacity to come clean with your feelings or think you are desperate, why should he? What this line of thoughts simply suggests is that you really don’t know this man after the many years you have been friends. More than anyone else, you should be able to vouch for him. Considering how long you have been friends, your opinion of him has in a way become the barometer others use in arriving at their conclusion of his person. If you are saying this of the man you call your best-friend, the most important guy in your life; then something is wrong somewhere. If you are both indeed friends, nothing about his thoughts and opinion should bother you at all. If he actually accuses you of being desperate, concur but let him know that it is that desperation to be free of the burden of your feelings for him that has made you come clean with your love for him. Let him know that your desire to have a man and home of yours is what is making you eliminate every situation that is holding you back. That, if telling him how you feel about him will give you the freedom to consider other men then, you don’t have any regrets. And that, being friends with him has given you the liberty to do just that; tell him you love him. Chances are that this man is also in love with you but like you, he is confused on how to go about it. This is one of the burdens friendship with an opposite sex places on the friends involved-fear to tell the other person when feelings change from platonic to something deeper. Real fear of losing you, of you accusing him of taking you for granted maybe what is stopping him from taking the bull by the horn. From the many cases I have seen, when a man and woman are as close as you both are, the onus is always on the woman to make the first move. This is because the man has become too fond of the woman to risk allowing his feelings destroy their friendship. More often, respect for the woman stops a man from declaring his love for his female friend. He rather sacrifices his happiness by marrying another woman, he isn’t in love with than risk losing the friendship of this female friend. Besides, there is nothing dogmatic about life. What works for one person may not work for another person. Simply because majority of women get proposed to by men doesn’t mean you should ignore the tiny minority of women who proposed to their men and are today glad they did. Don’t neglect the possibility of another woman bolder than you, doing what you don’t want to do. However, there is another way you can get him to open up to you by asking him playfully what is keeping him from proposing to one out of the many women that flock around him. He might also throw it back at you. Answer him by asking him if he would marry you since he appears to be the only man left in your life. Through this kind of jokes both of you will eventually have the opportunity to really talk and reveal the secrets you have both been keeping from each other. This method, in addition to eliminating the fears you have of the propriety of proposing to him; will make it easier for both of you to embrace the reality of your situations. Frankly, he may not even until that point realize the reason for his inability to accept another woman into his life. The question maybe just the nudge he needs to put his feelings into proper perspective. Some of us are so slow to realize the truth even when it is looking us right in the face. Use your wit and boldness to make things happen for both of you; remember it can’t get worse than it is. It can only get better since discussing your feelings will make your options clearer and more definite. Good luck.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My mother is kicking against my happiness

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me find a solution to my problem. I am 34 years of age. Three years ago, I lost my fiancé to a terrible accident along Ilorin-Abuja road. It was a very terrible time for me because I was three months pregnant at the time of the accident and my wedding five days away. I lost the pregnancy and a will to live. But as God would have it, I bounced back to life two years ago when I met my present boyfriend. He took away all my pains and sorrows. He gave me back my life. Again, I am pregnant for him; actually four months and his people are ready to pay my bride price. This time it isn’t an accident that is trying to rob me of my happiness. Rather it is my mother who is kicking against my happiness. First she says, she won’t allow my boyfriend pay my bride price and that she won’t allow me marry him. According to her, she doesn’t like his family, especially his mother in addition to not liking the appearance of my boyfriend. My father died last year so there is nobody to check the excesses of my mother. My elder sister cannot talk to her because she isn’t married. Each time she tries to talk to my mother about the issue, she ends up being insulted by our mother. None of my uncles and aunties is willing to get involved in this matter because of my mother’s sharp tongue. I would have gone ahead with my decision to marry my boyfriend irrespective of my mother’s position but she placed a curse on me that any attempt by me to ignore her feelings would result in death for me at child birth. She is insisting I terminate the pregnancy to give her the opportunity of looking for a suitable husband for me. I decided to run to you for assistance after the pastor I went to for help said, my mother is behind all my problems; that she swore before her fellow initiates that my elder sister and I would never marry because of the way my father treated her in their early years of marriage. According to my pastor, my mother has never been able to forgive my sister and I for taking after our father’s mother in looks. She also cannot forgive our father for always being on the side of his mother against her. As far as I can remember, my mother has always hated my elder sister and I prompting both of us to ask our father when we were children if she was really our mother. Agatha, I am desirous of your help because all the places I went to say I won’t get another man to marry me if I allow my present boyfriend go; that he was sent to me to take away my pains and sorrow. I am helpless. Please help me because she is making life unbearable for me. My boyfriend is also threatening to make trouble if I do anything to harm his unborn child. He says, he hasn’t denied being responsible for my pregnancy so I don’t have any reason to terminate it. The pressures are becoming too much for me. Henrietta Dear Henrietta, There is nothing or no human being as powerful as God. The God that brought this man into your life will give him the wisdom and determination to stand by you. Difficult as the situation you are in is, learn to trust God. Don’t fret because your life is in His hands. Parents are simply custodians, not the real parents of the children they helped to bring into this world. This is why He doesn’t give any of us the chance to choose our families or the homes we are born into. If it were possible, many of us won’t come through the parents we came through or our homes and families. God who knows our beginning and end, who created us all for a purpose has the prerogative of this choice and His reasons are only known to Him. Surely, He made you for a purpose, which you must achieve before you die. That child you are carrying inside of you also has a reason for coming into this world. Therefore you don’t have the right to terminate that child since you are only a custodian. God could have decided to use another woman as a channel to bring that child into this world; he decided on you for a reason best known to Him. To end that child’s journey on account of your mother’s desires would be provoking God’s anger. Would you rather please your mother and offend the God that created you both; destroy an innocent life to avoid your mother’s unjust anger against you and your sister? What you need now is the confidence and assurance that He is up there and in charge of your affairs. He has the power to ridicule the mighty and elevate the weak. Once you have absolute faith in Him, nothing is impossible for Him to do. If He can change the story of Jabez, who was cursed by his mother at birth, there is nothing He cannot do. As for your mother, continue to respect her because she is the vehicle God used in bringing you into the world. For this reason, she deserves your respect any day. Perform all your duties to her as a child to her. Forget whatever anybody says about her; as long as she didn’t kill you when you were a child, she cannot kill you now. Once you play your part as a good and responsible child to her; accord her every respect she deserves as your mother, you would have conquered whatever negative plans she has against you. But if you allow what your pastor told you to influence your judgment, decision and attitude towards your mother, you may unwittingly damage a situation good wisdom and friendly disposition on your side will remedy. If it is true she placed a curse on you, cry to God. Once you are convinced of His presence in your life, it is only what He permits in your life that will happen. It isn’t normal for a woman to die at childbirth. Remind Him of his covenant of life. There are a lot of women who have faced your kind of challenge but who are today mothers and alive because of the pact they entered into with God. Rather than worry and allow it to bother you, cry to God to put a smile in your life and heart. Losing one man to an accident and about to lose another one to your mother’s position cannot be His plans for you. Therefore enter into a strong relationship with God. Though trials will always come but none will defeat you because He will fight for you. Therefore, surrender completely to Him through prayers and conviction that He is your all in all. No matter how much of a monster you think your mother is, go and beg her. In the history of both of you, even if it is for a second, you must have shared some moments of happiness; this is what you should anchor your plea on when you go and beg your mother for forgiveness. Go to her at the middle of the night after praying to God for divine favour to beg for forgiveness for any real or imagined pains you must have caused her. Go with the kind of gift you know she likes. This is both a spiritual and physical battle. You have to fight it on all two fronts for complete victory. Don’t get up until she tells you the reason for her attitude towards you. To get her to talk, begin by making references to all the memories of your childhood, especially the ones that have to do with your grandmother and how you wished you could have been of help to her then. The idea here is to get her to talk. Often than not, most people operate on the principle of my enemy must be your enemy. If she thinks you are aligned with her against your grandmother, a lot of things will change about her attitude towards you. The important thing is to remove obstacles from your way. Once you are able to get her to talk, half of the battle is won. Cry, beg, cajole do whatever it will take for her to tell you why she hates you so much. Also ensure she prays for you. As for your man, continue to plead for his understanding and support. Assure him you will not touch the baby because it represents the love you both share. Also solicit for his help in winning this battle by telling him of your mother’s position. At 34, you are no longer a child so you need to be more assertive about the things that have to do with your life. Good luck.

My sister-in-law’s alliance with our neighbour surprising

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, This problem doesn’t concern me directly but it will affect my sister if it eventually blows up. It has to do with the sister to my sister’s husband and our neighbour. About three weeks ago, I came back home from an errand my sister sent me to find our flat locked. I didn’t find the key where we normally leave it so I went downstairs to ask the security man if my sister’s sister-in-law left the key with him. He replied that she hadn’t come down all day. As I was going back upstairs to knock harder on the door; thinking she might have slept off, I saw her and the married man opposite our flat kissing at the top of the stairs. They quickly disengaged when they heard my steps. I pretended not to have seen them in order not to embarrass both of them. Besides, she was a lot older than me. When I tried to question her about what I saw, she shut me up with a slap; telling me to mind my business. She also threatened to deal with me should I tell anybody about her affair with the man. I am however bothered because of the problems that will occur should the wife of the man find out about the affair. Other neighbours may not notice because we live in one of the top flats and share the same passage. Once everybody is out of the house, she moves into this man’s flat. I don’t know what he does for a living, but he is home most of the time. His wife leaves the house as early as 6.00 a.m. and comes back very late. They have only a child, a five-year-old son he takes to school in the morning after which he comes back home. I’m scared. My friend I told about the incident said I should alert my sister about it arguing that I am aiding and abetting her to destroy another woman’s home by my silence. I am so very confused about it. Please help me. I am 16 while she is 22. What should I do? Derin. Dear Derin, This is something you can handle on your own without involving your sister or her husband. Since she has decided to use force and threat, there is nothing stopping you from doing same in getting her to listen to your opinion. But you must get this clear; it is her life hence she has a right to do whatever she wants to do with it. Your interest in her life begins and ends with the implication on your sister and family should the man’s wife discover that her husband is having an affair with her. Explain to her that if the affair had involved someone else, not known to the family, you wouldn’t have bothered with what she does with her life. Make it clear to her that the next time she slaps you on account of her relationship with this man, you will have no choice but to inform your sister and brother-in-law about the affair she is having with their neighbour. Let her understand that you are not trying to pry into her affairs but to stop everybody being embarrassed by her conduct should the affair blow open and becomes public knowledge. Make her understand that it is one thing to be in an affair with a married man and another matter entirely for the affair to be going on in the woman’s matrimonial home. Ask her how she would feel if she is the other woman? How would she feel going out to work all-day and coming back home to the knowledge of another woman sharing her husband right in her home? She may not want to listen to you but make her understand the gravity of what she is doing not just to herself but to the entire family that may be forced to move houses as a result of the scandal that normally follows such a situation. If she fails to listen to you, you may have no choice but to tell your sister about it. Telling your sister will free you from the guilt of not telling her as well as the burden your knowledge of the affair between both of them has placed on you. By then, it would be the decision of your elder sister to confront her sister-in-law or inform her husband about the affair going on between his sister and their neighbor. As for you, mind your business and concentrate on the business that brought you to your sister’s house. To pry too much is to distract yourself from that thing most important to you in life. If at the end of the day, you don’t think you want to be fingered as a gossip in the whole episode, try to ignore her completely. Good luck.

I caught my husband’s mistress on our matrimonial bed

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage is less than two years old. It has been very difficult but since I made the choice to marry my husband, I have kept struggling to keep my home. I really don’t want to describe my husband as a lousy and very deceptive man but I discovered this few months after we got married. I dare not go back to my parents because my mother, from the very beginning, didn’t want me to marry him, so will not even listen to me let alone sympathise with me. To complicate things, his family members too don’t like me. Once he beat me up in the presence of his mother and all she did was look on. Her excuse was being too weak to separate us when the pastor came to settle the rift between my husband and I. I have kept pretending to my siblings that all is well with my marriage. My younger sister who is very close to me is the only one privy to what is going on in my home. She is helping me keep my secret because I asked her to. But the recent development is beyond me. I came back from spending a week with my family to discover another woman in my bed. He wasn’t expecting me on the day I came. For reasons I cannot explain, when he called the morning of that day I decided to come home to ask when our daughter and I would be coming back, I told him it won’t be until two days from the day he was calling. However, while I was sleeping that afternoon, I heard this voice that instructed me to return home that day. I had to wait until my mother came back before moving. We got home at about 9 p.m. to the scene of his girlfriend reading on my bed wearing one of his boxers.’ The lady said she isn’t aware of his marital status because he gave the impression that he is single and that he shares our flat with his sister. Can you imagine that he passed me and the baby off as his sister and niece? After apologising for the situation, she packed her things and left but not without heaping curses on my husband for what he did to both of us. Now he is begging for forgiveness and has practically sent the entire Lagos to beg me but the truth of the matter is how can I ever forget the image of another woman on the bed we both share? How can I let go of the knowledge that this man is capable of denying me and his daughter? I don’t know which hurts the most; referring to me as his sister or the woman he brought to my matrimonial home. To be honest, he disgusts me. To think I once loved him beats my imagination. Don’t know how I can handle this. Faramomi. Dear Faramomi, What is love? Is it not a tangle of the intricate and fragile? There is no good love story without scars, sacrifices, pains and frustration. The dance of love isn’t the rose-coloured honey laced images, we see or hear; far from it. The colours are drab and ugly. Only situations like you are going through really bring out the shine and brilliance of it. That is when its true strength and character come to the fore. Yes, your husband is cruel, wicked, insensitive, lacking in respect and honour but the question here is, do you still love him? The truth is, if you didn’t, you would have long left his life. That you took out time to compose and send this email to me shows that underneath all your pains and betrayals is a patient goldsmith willing to endure the extra heat to the most refined gold. Every married woman is a goldsmith. You cannot just walk away from your marriage on account of the challenges you are experiencing. At least, you got to meet your rival; some women don’t get to meet the other women until the products of such unions come of age and are battle ready to claim rights they have been brainwashed by their mothers to believing was denied them by the woman at home. Some women even get to know about their husbands’ other families at his death when the children and their mothers begin to come from different directions. At least, you now know of the possibility of him having a child outside his home so be prepared for the worst. It is the best way to overcome disappointment in life. Because life itself has no guarantees, you must find it in your heart to forgive him and let go of the memories of his betrayal else you risk making a very fundamental mistake. The reason for this is simple; no marriage or relationship is without a price to pay. From what you said, I guess you are a young woman. There is no way you can stay off sex if you leave him now. No matter the grudge you feel against men on account of your husband’s behaviour, a time would come when you would crave for the comforting arms of a man around you. Chances are the men that will be available will be married men. This means you will invariably also be guilty of the same accusation for which you ended your marriage. And if you decide to date only single men, the ones you will come across will not only be younger than you but out to milk you of your money and respect. In addition, you may want to marry again. What assurances do you have that the next man won’t be worse than your present husband? One thing I have come to learn about life is that only the faces of the actors change; their lines and delivery never change. Life is a funny mix. What makes you guiltless today may condemn you tomorrow. Today, it is the turn of your husband to be accused of recklessness, if you fail to apply wisdom to this complex case; you risk denunciation some years down the road. Ask those whose marriages are today being celebrated for the real stories behind their marriages. You will be surprised at the amount of sacrifices it took the women to make their marriages work. The stories won’t be different from what you are going through. Your experiences are what real marriages are made of; not the kind of romantic stories we read in romance novels. What you should appeal for now is sometime away to enable you put things in proper perspective. If you can afford it, apply for your annual leave to enable you distill your thoughts properly. Despite all I have said, you need to heal first. It is the only way to give your best once again to your dream of being together with this man. Look at your reasons for marrying him against the support of your family. Something very powerful must have influenced your decision to ignore your family’s position; you really need to dig that thing up for this marriage to move beyond this point that your differences have stationed it. Once you are able to remember your basic reason for agreeing to go with this man; it will be easier for you to forgive and forget the hurt you have suffered at his hands. Good memories are good balms for every sharp emotional pain. Such memories will dilute the anguish of your present experience. Besides, this is the time for you to negotiate your terms of staying together; ensure his friends and family are part of this agreement. Above all, learn to pray more. God is always able to do all things. Good luck.

Friday, September 14, 2012

My wife lied about everything

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My marriage is barely six months old but, I am already finding it very boring having sex with my wife. Although I don’t want to go into details of what transpired during our courtship for decency sake as well as out of respect to the vows we took but, suffice to say, my first night with her was a huge disappointment. I discovered she lied to me about almost everything. I won’t lie, I have had my fair share of experiences before meeting her. I can tell when a woman has been around or has had a baby. From what I discovered that night, a lot of water has passed under her bridge. Being from a strict Catholic home, coupled with the fact that my mother’s favorite aunty introduced her to me, I know without being told that divorce is out of it. I have therefore decided to bury my disappointment and go on with the marriage. But it hasn’t been easy because each day, I stay with her, I discover more and more lies. I am finding everything about our marriage very irritating. I told my father everything. He said, he would respect any decision I make given the fact that she lied to me. Despite this, I still think I should give the marriage a chance; to discover like you often say on this page, her inner qualities. Six months on, it is one disappointment after the other. She is dirty; so dirty that she doesn’t bother to flush the toilet after using it. I have scolded her without any results; I had to relocate to another room because I wasn’t brought up that way. Since the house was beginning to give off offensive odor, I had to employ the services of a house-keeper to take care of the house. Until the house-keeper came, I couldn’t go near the kitchen for fear of throwing up. Agatha, I waited until 39 years to get married. Now it seems all my waiting has been in vain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel any excitement for her as a man. I thought my marriage would end all my years of night crawling but it seems it won’t. Although I haven’t gone outside my marriage, I fear that if things continue like this, I will. I am asking for help on how to end my nightmare. I have refused to discuss anything with her since that night of our first intimacy. Please Agatha, help me. Alex. Dear Alex, Obviously, trust has been bridged somewhere. It is not always easy to overlook the fact that one has been lied to. It is more painful when that person is someone close and dear. Often than not, the pain of such betrayal, never goes away. I can only guess she lied to you about being a virgin. She may have told you that when she met you to earn your respect but became extremely difficult for her to change the story when you showed signs of staying permanently in her life. While not trying to find an easy bed for her to fall on, the reality is, she was afraid to tell you the truth after all she told you at the beginning of your relationship. Unfortunately, the truth came when it was too late for you to do anything about. Therefore the issue now, is not how to undo the lies she told you but, how to move your marriage from the position her lies have stationed it. To help you come to a realization of how to proceed, ask yourself these important questions; how did you feel when you thought she was a virgin? Deep down was it one of the major considerations you pushed forward when making the decision to marry her? Having played the field and with the kind of experiences you admit to concerning women, wasn’t it possible that deep down certain things about her behavior and mannerism told you she lied about being a virgin but, which you decided to ignore because you wanted to marry a virgin? In retrospect, don’t you think you deliberately ignored those signs that broadcast her experiences because you wanted to believe her lies? Isn’t it possible too that the many things you are complaining about now wouldn’t have mattered if you met her a virgin? Would you have been patient to teach her how to maintain your home and warm your heart? Are your grievances not mere excuses to pave way for whatever future plans you may have to end your marriage? Sometimes we magnify situations more than they really are when angry, upset, disappointed or determined to have our way. Your wife may not really be as bad as you have painted her but, being very disappointed with her, angry at the series of lies she told you, you could have blocked your mind against all her efforts and positive sides. Until you are ready to bury your disappointments, you will never have the clarity of mind to properly tackle the issues in your marriage. Knowing your church will never support or approve of you divorcing her, why not address the issues in your marriage like a man instead of hiding under your disappointment to find faults with everything that your marriage represents? Given the kinds of lies she told, you have every right to be angry with her. But what you don’t have the right to do is to keep quiet about your observations; the law of justness kicks against it. Every issue that comes up in a marriage must be discussed irrespective of whether it is palatable or not, to enable the offending party know where the error is. Ideally, you should have discussed the matter with her the moment you discovered that she wasn’t a virgin. Refusing to discuss the matter with her meant you accepted her claims as true. Six months after living with her as her husband, there is no way you can convince anybody that you didn’t meet her a virgin. It is her words against yours if the matter ever comes into the open. The question she and others will ask is, why didn’t you point out the obvious that night? Whatever your reasons were for keeping quiet that night are wrong. And since you didn’t bother then to confront her, it is either you forget it completely and give your marriage a chance to move beyond the point you have placed it through your own cowardice to act as the man when you should have. If you choose to discuss your observations with her, be bold enough to come clean with everything you think is wrong. For instance, if you suspect she has given birth to a baby before, ask her and let her explain everything to you. To get her to open up to you, don’t be confrontational. Begin by asking her why she lied to you about being a virgin. From there, go into other things like her poor housekeeping and attitude. There is no marriage without a problem or that is perfect. Perfection comes with a lot of sacrifices and difficult choices. There is nothing stopping you from making this marriage a happy one as long as you can let go of the pains of your discovery. You won’t be the first man to discover his wife lied to him about being a virgin. A lot of women are doing that these days, telling men what they want to hear. It is bad, callous and deceptive but how are you sure the next woman won’t be worse than the one you are leaving? Life is a gamble. Who knows, by the time she is through with her story, you may have forgotten to be angry? Once you are able to forgive her, all the other things wrong with her attitude and manner will be sorted out by the two of you. Your marriage needs forgiveness to heal. Ask God for His help. Good luck.

Re: lion’s share of my father’s property.

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I stumbled on your piece and admire the manner with which you handled the issues that can jeopardize the future of Ese. Thank you for the counsel. What you told her is the truth. I wish I can reach her for us to share experiences. We have similar stories. My late father’s brother at the death of my father appropriated the building he jointly built with my father. He didn’t stop there, he went ahead to allocate their family’s only piece of land to his son. He also seized their mother’s building, jointly shared to him and my late father. He re-allocated the property to his children leaving us completely homeless. It was indeed a very difficult situation but I left everything to God not withstanding, the kinds of advices people were giving me. To the glory of God, the story is different today. I have built my own house. My siblings are also property owners; both developed and undeveloped in very choice areas of Port-Harcourt. They are also doing very well in their various endeavors. It is a thing of joy that we didn’t allow my uncle’s action stop us from seeking our dreams. We were focused and pursued our aspirations. We are today all graduates, pursuing for second and third degrees respectively. His children on the other hand are wayward. Maybe if I had pushed too hard, he would have eliminated me like he threatened to. Ese should leave them and move on with her education so that she can be a formidable force after graduation. My uncle today is impressed by our success and has been finding ways of reconciliation. I have forgiven him but we don’t need him or anything from him. So Ese, should run for her dear life and listen to what you advised. Lawrence.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My daughter and I are pregnant for the same man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in my early 50s. I am divorced; have been for more than a decade. I live on my own with my three children. About a year ago, I went into a relationship with a man four years younger than I am. Being married, we meet in my place. As a matter of fact he has the key to my flat. It was better than going to hotels. Besides, my daughters were grown up to appreciate that I need a man in my life. Well I thought I could trust him so I gave him permission to come to my house whenever he likes whether I am in or not. I also assumed my daughters were responsible enough to see him as their father. Unfortunately, I miscalculated. Unknown to me while he was having affairs with me, he was also sleeping with my two older daughters. I didn’t know what was happening until I took my eldest daughter to the hospital following her persistent complains of malaria. I also haven’t been feeling well; so decided to visit the hospital with my daughter. When the results came out, we were both pronounced pregnant. I was shocked because I didn’t expect to be at my age since I have been having irregular periods in the last two years. At 28, my daughter has never been pregnant. I was happy for her thinking it was the man I knew her with was responsible. Then, it didn’t even occur to me that he has been out of Lagos for three months. It wasn’t until we got home that the real problem started. We met my boyfriend at home. While I was still thinking of how to break my news to him, a text message came to his phone. After reading the text, he became very agitated so much so he lost concentration. I was so concerned, I forget what I was about to say and snatched the phone from him to know what got him so upset. The way he responded to my taking the phone got me very suspicious; I quickly transferred the message to my phone before handing it over to him. I did the transfer while he was struggling to take the phone away from me so, he wasn’t aware of what I did. I almost fainted when I read the text and discovered it was my daughter telling him that we were both pregnant for him and that he should tell me to abort the baby since she was going to keep hers. She told him if he tried to play smart with her, the whole world would know that he has been sleeping her mother, sister and herself. The worst thing now is that he is nowhere to be found. I have tried getting him on his phone numbers but none is going through. The friend I know him with says, he doesn’t know his whereabout and has bluntly refused to take me to his house. My second daughter has left home for an unknown destination following the revelation by her sister that she too has been sleeping with him. I am very confused as my daughter and I are stuck with out situation. How do I explain to the world that my daughter and I are pregnant for this same man and that he is no where to be seen? What do you suggest we do? Although my daughter is still adamant about aborting her pregnancy; I am scared about aborting mine given my age. Rita. Dear Rita, This is an untidiness you could have avoided by keeping your home off limit to your boyfriend. It was an error on your part to encourage and give him a blank cheque to your home whenever likes. With grown up girls in the house, you took too much for granted of a man who isn’t the father of your children and who you have known for such a short time. No matter how you tell this story, you will be blamed at the end of it all. The essence of hotels is for situations like yours. Nobody would condemn you for being single or having the urge to have sex but, everybody would blame you for the situation in your home. What kind of story will you be telling the world that you and your daughters all slept with the same man? And that you and one of your daughters are pregnant for the same man? At 50 plus, you should have been more circumvent in your actions and conduct. Your love life should have been veiled in top secret. One gets to an age when discretion becomes the operative word especially in a situation like yours. What men can get away with, women cannot. A single man can bring in female friends into his house without fear of repercussion or molestation of his children but not so with a single matured woman with children. She has to be careful at all times to prevent the consequences of her decision rubbing off on her children. Now, you have given your husband every reason to ridicule you and rake up all the nasty things that led to your divorce from him. There is no way those who once gave you their sympathy, will want to identify with this mess you have made of your life as well as those of your children. Frankly, it is rather too late in the day to worry about where this man stays or works. At your age, shouldn’t that have been your first concern; to have vital information about him? What if it the story has been him dying in your house, what would you have done? Who would you have contacted among his friends and family members? How would you have explained to the Police? While your daughters can be excused for being ignorant of the implications of having a complete stranger share your bed, what about you? The recent incident also calls to question the kind of examples and training you gave to your daughters. The fact that your elder daughter isn’t showing remorse at what she had done; underscores a certain concern about the health of your relationship with your daughters. The fact that they both knew the other was sleeping with the same the same man means something is very wrong in your home. You must have taken certain steps in the past that did go down well with your children. If they both didn’t know that they were sleeping with the same man, it would have been a different story but knowing that they are sleeping with the same man their mother is involved with, points to a deeper problem for you. While it isn’t in my place to tell you what to do with your pregnancies; as a mother, you must find your runaway daughter in addition to sitting your children down for a frank discussion. Chances are your elder daughter knows where her younger sister is. They must have colluded to hurt you for something you did to them. Therefore, the woman in you must be dead to jealousy and anger. To give in to these emotions is to destroy whatever is left of your family. Ask them what you have done to make them angry with you. This isn’t time for you to patronize them either. It is that time to mend fences. The hurt and determination to cause you embarrassment maybe the reason your daughter is insisting on keeping the pregnancy; the explanation for sleeping with your man friend. Their hurt is making your daughter blind to repercussions of the road she is so determined to take. Use whatever respect you have left as their mother to help bring her back. Forget your sense of betrayal and help your young and confused daughters come back to the right track. There is nothing a willing heart of forgiveness cannot achieve. Once you are able to clear the cloud of pains in your hearts, chances are you will all be able to iron this thing out positively. As for the man, he simply took the opportunity you unwittingly offered him. If you didn’t open your door to him, he wouldn’t have been able to inflict these pains on you and your home. Even if you find him, what do you want him to do? Accept your pregnancy and your daughter’s? Is the shame of being pregnant for the same man with your daughter not enough? The less people know, the better, else the story of the kind of shame you have brought to yourself and daughters will get to your ex and his family. Certain things are best left unsaid. Allow him to go while you mob up the mess you have brought on yourself with the dignity of a woman who knows she has made a mistake and is out to make things right. If you don’t mind, see me in our corporate office, Independent Newspapers, 7D Wempco Road, Ogba Lagos. We have one or two things to discuss as women and mothers. Good luck.

Married man with seven children wants to marry me

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this man who wants to marry me. He is married with seven children. I am confused as to whether to marry him or not. He is the one responsible for my education and is paying my house rent. Precious. Dear Precious, Every marriage has its purpose. As a young lady, what would be your reason for wanting to marry a man who has a wife with seven children? Are you marrying him for love or because he is a means to an end? Could it also be that you have given up on yourself and life; thinking that without him you will never be able to get another man? Have you considered the fact that a covenant of life everlasting exists between this man and his wife? That marriage is an agreement between a man and woman; that a third party has no place in it? What would be your gain if you decide to marry this man with his large family? What gender of a child do you want to give birth to that his wife hasn’t given him already? This is why you should think twice before taking a step you will forever regret in life. As a young lady, don’t you have positive plans for your future? Beyond this man paying your school fees and providing you with a roof over your head, what kind of life are you expecting from him? Isn’t marriage supposed to be a source of joy and companionship to the partners? Marriage is a wonderful, sacred and precious gift from God, which must be protected at all costs. The real issue here is that you lack knowledge of your essence in life. Without you having a clear vision of who you are, what you seek to achieve in life, you will never be able to identify who is good for you. It is the lack of this clear cut vision that has forced you into this situation where you allow a married man with seven children pick up the responsibility of sending you to school and housing you. Even if you don’t want to do it, the very fact that he has assumed the duties of educating you has given him the right to demand for such privileges from you. The thing is not whether he is right or not to demand it of you but, of you knowing what you want at the end of the day. No matter your challenge in life, you took the wrong steps by allowing a married man pay your school fees. Honestly, if he insists you marry him, you are to blame. You cannot dine with the devil without being friends with him. When you agreed to accept money from him, you should have known this day would come when he would want to reap where he has invested. It is just that you won’t be the only one to suffer from this greed of yours. His innocent wife and children will be at the receiving end too. This is why you must resist the urge to make a more foolish decision of marrying him. To make things clearer for you at this confusing stage of your life, pause to think, what do you want from life? What kind of man do you think will help you bring your dreams to reality? Do you think without this man in your life, you won’t be able to make it in life? Yes, you may feel under obligation to marry him given the fact that he is paying your fees but given the fact that he is the husband of another woman and he has seven children, do you think it is wise? Have you stopped to wonder at the kind of husband and father he is? Why would he want to marry another woman after the woman in his house has given him seven children? Even if he is so buoyant, there is a want in his family the money he is spending on you can take care of. If he were your father, how would you feel if he brings in another woman to compete with your mother? Better still, in the woman’s shoes how would you feel if after giving a man seven children, he finds a replacement for you no matter what your shortcomings are? Since you will definitely want to have your own children after marriage, do you think he has the ability to care for all of you adequately? Do you think his wife and children will sit by and watch you take over their space, father and his resources? And do you think he will continue to care for you after your relationship becomes official? Do you realise that the same reason he is giving for wanting you for a second wife can be raked up by him in later years to justify his reasons for bringing in another woman as third wife? Once a man has the tendency to add another woman to his first wife, he is just as capable of adding several women to the list. Marriage is a journey of several turns, tumbles and crashes. There is no perfect person or couple. There is nothing that is wrong in his present marriage he cannot fix if he is determined. Going into a relationship and asking you to marry him is only an excuse to escape reality. Besides, after having that many children, do you think yours will make any difference to the number he already has? The responsible and sensible thing is for you to call a halt to this relationship. Not just ending it but stopping him from being responsible for everything concerning you. You are a woman; how would you feel if your husband suddenly comes home one day to announce he is marrying a younger and educated woman? For him to be paying your school fees, it means the other woman isn’t educated and now that things are looking up for him, he wants a younger and educated woman. Deep down how will you feel if you are this woman who is about to be discarded like a used tissue for a younger woman? Whatever condition she is in now that has made her very unattractive to him, he helped put her in that condition. There is no way a woman who has been to the labour room seven times would look young and supple. The stress of seven pregnancies and attendant trauma of childbirth must have taken its tolls on her body. Whatever his grouse against her maybe, life for a woman with seven children can’t be a tea party. She needs the help of her husband to make a success of all her roles in life. Rather than source for you, responsibility demands that he stay with the situation he has helped to create in the woman’s life and not find solace in the arms of another woman. For your own sake, have the guts to end it all. Beg him to forgive you and to let you go. Be clear that you don’t want to destroy another woman’s home. Apologise to him for accepting money from him all the years you did. Ask mutual friends to appeal to him on your behalf. And importantly, go to God for help. It is better you offend him than his wife and the children you are already offending by being in his life. Time and resources he should have spent on them, go to you. If he doesn’t allow you go after appealing to him, refuse to pick his calls or entertain him to pass across your message of being serious with your decision. There will always be a friend who wants to share your accommodation or move in with someone looking for a roommate. It will cut down your expenses by half. Begin to make plans for yourself and unwittingly your future. Hard work doesn’t kill. Get yourself a job or go into buying and selling to pay your way through the remaining years you have left in school. There can never be happy endings in life without doses of discomfort and bitter pills. What will be your story if you don’t struggle to attain a certain goal in life? Good luck

Does he want me or my money?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a 23-year-old lady in a relationship with this very handsome man. He is a graduate and lucky to have got a job after his compulsory national youth service. I, on the other hand hasn’t been able to further my education as a result of my poor background. But there is something bothering me about him: whenever we are in bed, he turns his back to me instead of him to hold and cuddle me. Whenever I try to hold him, he pushes my hands off him. I want to know if he loves me. Secondly he is demanding N20,000.00 from me. I am confused. Nsi. Dear Nsi, Isn’t the answer to your question obvious? This man wants what he can get from you. Having defrauded you sexually, he is also desirous of fleecing you financially. The question is not what his intentions are but your own perception of what he really wants from you. Unfortunately, you are too blind by your emotions to see beyond the desires of your heart to preserve a relationship you don’t even have. Isn’t it obvious from his attitude towards you that you are nothing more than a willing bedmate he comes to when he has the desires for a female body? As far as he is concerned, you are just another face, someone to appease his sexual hunger; you could just have been another girl for all he cares. Men like him don’t consider the love of a woman as being important. If you are not there, he won’t miss anything because there will always be an agreeable girl for his likes. If you have N20,000.00, shouldn’t you be thinking of going back to school? Only very few young men are ready to take chances with a young uneducated lady. Even if they are prepared, will their families in this present age allow their sons to marry a lady whose best qualification is a secondary school leaving certificate? Unless you are serious with your life, has plans for yourself, you will never be able to rise about a certain level. Men you desire like your current bedmate will always treat you like dirt because you have nothing beyond your body to offer them. He is making a fool of you because he knows you are desperate to have him in your life. Whether you give him the money or not, he will still leave you once he is fed up of your body. That money can get you started in life if you are determined to earn your way into the hearts of men generally. Use your experience in the hands of this man as your motivation to success in life. With that money, get a form and enrol in a class that will prepare you for the Joint Admission Matriculation Board examinations. Learning has no age limit. Once you are able to gain admission into a university or polytechnic, you will be able to fund your way through school if you are the hardworking and innovative type. As long as you are contented, not interested in keeping a class you cannot afford, you will sail through with minimal stress. Problems come when young girls want to show class they don’t have. Provided you are determined, the sky becomes your stepping stone. Men like your current date will begin to rethink their old perception of you. They will begin to see beyond your body and look deeper into your mind to the future they can have with you. Irrespective of what men say, they want a woman who has a measure of independence, one they can show off to their friends and who can take charge when they are not around. You may be hard-working, but for a man who is a graduate, you may not have the kind of exposure he desires in his woman. Whatever it will cost you, end this relationship. It is pointless because this man doesn’t have any kind of respect for you. He doesn’t love you at all. Go before he destroys you for another man; extinguishes your self-confidence. It will be so unfortunate if this man through his treatment of you takes away your dream in your own abilities as a promising young lady. Leaving him will give you the chance for self -development and fulfillment as a young woman. Although you will feel some emotional discomfort for the time being, but overtime, you will be glad you did. The way others value us depends on how we value ourselves. If you don’t take steps to accord yourself some respect, no man will ever take you seriously. Good luck