Why do women like men who tell lies?

Dear Agatha, I am an Engineer working with a construction company. I am 33 years old and desire to settle down but I have issues with finding the right girl. I am disciplined, responsible and focus. Please I would like to ask you two questions. Firstly, why do most women like men who lie or claim what they are not? Secondly, why is it that when a man tells a girl he loves her, she ends up taking him for granted like in my case? My friends too are having the same problems in their relationships. Please Agatha how do I get a girl who will reciprocate my love for her and love me for who I am? At my age, I do not want to do what I did in the University. I want an everlasting marriage and do not want to have children outside marriage. I believe lying to a girl is laying a wrong foundation. Sidney. Dear Sidney, It is a very wrong assumption to make. It is really the other way round. Men think lying to women would give them the edge over their rivals for the woman’s heart and hand. The truth is, whether a man lies or not about his affluence, only a woman interested in him will at the end of the day fall in love with him. So a man really sure of himself and dreams doesn’t have to lie to attract and retain the woman after his heart. If your assumption were true, poor men won’t have women to call their own. That men without deep pockets are getting pretty and wonderful women as wives shows that women too are not looking for playboys or showy men for husbands. Deep down in the heart of most women is that desire to marry for love and peace in their marriages; not necessarily for money. If some women like being lied to, it is only because the men are ready to be played for fools and that such women too don’t have plans for themselves. When a man comes across such a woman, the best thing is to move as fast as his legs can carry him because it shows the woman is sightless and would be a burdento the man. A woman sure of herself will not place her success in the hands of anybody. This attitude isn’t limited to women; there are some men who also like being lied to. Therefore, it isn’t a function of the gender but that of attitude of the individual. Furthermore, it also depends on the kind of women you are meeting and the decisive factors you are placing on the front burner. If you are in the habit of looking at the physical beauty of a woman than her inner beauty, chances are you will keep experiencing the attitudes of women who place vanity above value. Granted that every woman has traces of vanity, but the truth is, most men actually encourage women to be very vain and materialistic. Since winning the heart of a woman is an ego thing, most men think lying about themselves and status give them the edge over their competitors. They give the woman they want all the impression in the world that he controls the nation. I am sure if you pay detailed attention to the qualities of the woman you are interested in; not caring so much about her appearance, you will end up with a woman you can talk to and plan around. It is a matter of you too knowing what you really want from life and marriage. Are you the kind of man who wants a showcase wife, the kind you put on display, you want to flaunt; one who is all beautiful but is lacking in character and substance? Or do you want the kind of woman who has the character and substance to compliment your nature? Just like we have all manner of products in the market, so are different kinds of women out there. Men and women suffer disappointments because often time, they go for choices that do not compliment their natures at all. It is a matter of you looking for the woman that has the intellect and wisdom to manage your person. Therefore in your search make certain things absolute clear to yourself; those things you want in a woman. As long as you don’t compromise, are sure of what you want from a woman you are meeting for the first time, you will eventually find the right woman who will accept you for what and who you are. In this whole game, honesty is the watch word. It takes an honest man to find a sincere woman. It is also pertinent you realize that no relationship is perfect. Be prepared at all time to bend backwards to accommodate the shortcomings of your partner as well. We all come with manufacturer’s defects. Once you appreciate that you are as imperfect as the woman you are interested in, you place your relationship on a platform of better survival from the begining. Once two people are in love, it is natural for both of them to take each other for granted. I think the question you want to ask is why do women leave things to chance once they are in love? It is a simple matter of being secured in the love of her man. Frankly, it is normal to the nature of man to get careless and take things for granted once he or she is secured. There is usually this feeling of confidence that comes from knowing a man really cares. It gives the woman so much confidence and authority to know that her zone is protected. Yes, the woman can get corrupted by that confidence to misbehave but in such situation, the man should lovely call her to order by pointing her at the mistakes she is making. A couple must be able at all time discuss every issue that comes up in their relationship. This way, they grow the confidence and trust to paddle the canoe of their relationship without fear of it capsizing along the road. A man doesn’t have to be violent to set the limits in the relationship. With love and respect for his woman, a man can effectively draw the line in his relationship. What most men don’t know is the fact that everywoman needs a man she can respect in her life- one who is in charge without any display of force. If you notice your girlfriend is taking you for granted, let her know how you feel about her attitude immediately. It will help her make the necessary adjustment. Always strive for complete honesty in whatever you do. From the very beginning, don’t give the woman you meet any false hope. Let her know who you are. If you have a temper, don’t hide it or pretend to like something you definitely cannot cope with in the long term. A serious minded woman wants a man who is interested in her own development. Rather than impress her by taking her to social and ostentatious places be moderate in your tastes even if you have the money to splash on her. Get to first know everything about her; her growing up years, family history, likes and dislikes as well as her dreams for the future. Your ideal woman is the one that is ready to accept you for who and what you are. Don’t ever lie to any woman: it isn’t worth it. Good luck. Lonely Heart Dear Agatha, I am a student of University of Uyo. I will love to be linked with a nice lady who is ready to love me for who I am for a serious relationship. An interested lady can reach me on; 08169603636 or my email; velijo@ymail.com. Joe.

My husband keeps cheating on me

Dear Agatha, My husband has been having an affair right from our wedding. We have been married six years now. He has been having incessant and indiscriminate affairs every now and then. He has never been without a girlfriend. Please I need your help and I want to make you my friend because I am getting frustrated and almost going nuts. I have tried all the moves you described in the article; helped by my pastors’ counseling but I often get discouraged because every time I show love to him, he won’t even reply or retaliate. He still keeps late nights despite my efforts. Although he provides the necessities for the children and I, but this new girl he is now seeing really takes his time and energy. He is now into alcoholism but not to the drunken state. Help me ma. I’m tired of relaying my story to people and my pastor as I don’t want to bother him anymore. I’m just 28 years of age and even if I say so myself, still beautiful. You can check me out on the Facebook. May God help you as you start to help me! Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Any woman who tells you her marriage is completely free of challenges is lying. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage; what exist is a perfect determination by couples to weather the storm of two people, from different backgrounds, families, attitudes and thoughts coming together to make a home. Sincerely, the first seven years are the most difficult ones. This is so because this period is one of adjustment and embracing the reality. It is a period of transition from the make believe world of romantic fantasies to the actuality of discovering the real person behind the face of love and romance of one’s partner. I am sure, you weren’t exactly in the dark concerning your husband’s love for women but pretended not to notice because of so many things you might have put into consideration; things you thought you could cope with and change overtime. One thing the early period of our marital life brings to the fore is the practicality of our decisions. Whether you like it or not, you are as much to blame for this situation as well as your husband. The reason is simple; you made the choice to marry him despite the flaws you noticed in his behaviour. So this is the time to apply wisdom instead of sentiments for peace to reign in your home. There are certain things in marriage that cannot be changed overtime. Your kind of problem is the kind that requires absolute patience, mindless endurance and persistent prayers to defeat. This is because the marriage institution, like life itself, is sectioned into different seasons. There is always the time to sow and to reap; time to be sad and time to be happy. There is no marriage without its package of pains, choices and disappointments. The difference is that our problems are not all the same. However, the challenge of infidelity you are presently going through in your marriage is common to more than 80 percent of married women. Men are the same all over the world. The lure for the feminine flesh is simply too strong for most men to ignore. Only the grace of God makes one marriage more endurable than the other. Therefore, wise and realistic women have learnt over the years to ignore this aspect of their men. For some women, as long as the man is providing for the family, he can do whatever he wants with his time and the balance of his money. One thing you should get clear is that extra marital affair in marriage is one of the least challenges a woman faces in her marriage. If you end your marriage on account of your husband keeping other women, you will end up being the loser in the sense that it is a common malady with every man except very few. Therefore the issue of your being beautiful should not even come into play. Once you give bite to this line of thought, you are also preparing yourself to destroy another woman’s home and relationship. Many of those women who are today destroying your homes one time or the other, reasoned like you are doing now. The world is a circle of paradox. If you decide to end your marriage; if the undertone of your mail is anything to go by, you too would be a danger to the relationships of other women. Rather, you must learn to cope with this man God has given to you as a husband because you both swore to be together through all the seasons of life. Those who conceived the marriage creed did out of experience. They knew that marriage is a journey of the good, the bad and ugly. The unfortunate thing is that couples, especially women recite this without paying much attention to the words. If you did, you would have been prepared psychologically for the situation you are battling with in marriage. The only way to protect your marriage is to develop the right shocks to ignore his other women. Stop nagging him. To do that is to further give him a reason to fall into the arms of another waiting woman. If you have been doing this, stop it immediately. Instead develop the will to be pleasant to him. I appreciate this is very difficult given all that you are passing through but you really don’t have any choice in this matter but to be nice to him. It is the only way you can win him over. The fact that he is also romancing the bottle is a strong indication that you are making life a little bit of hell for him in the house. You don’t stupidly jump into a raging fire without trying first to put it out before saving life. Anything you say now would be like pouring petrol into a fire. He is too far gone to listen to whatever you say. He would think you are trying to criticize him so adopt the very quiet approach to this matter. First, you must find that thing that is always driving him outside to these other women. Although some men appear not to have a reason to cheat on their wives, the truth is there is always a reason for everything. Years of doing this job has taught me one thing; that major marital challenges begin with very minor issues. It could just be your person as a whole; some men who cheat don’t have any reason beyond the fact that their wives have intimidating personalities. You might just be in this category; this is after you have eliminated every other obvious reason he might have for going out. One thing you must never take for granted is the value of your man. First and foremost, he is the head of the home and as such deserves every respect you have to offer. If God intended for both men and women to share the leadership in marriage, he wouldn’t have given the headship to the man so no matter what, learn to respect your man. This has to do with the ego of the average man. Every man is always looking for a woman to massage his ego. When he comes back, don’t remind him of the other women. Give him what he wants from you. Pretend he is just coming from a friend’s place. The truth is, the sex you refuse him, he is getting in different dimensions and variations from other women so he might not really miss yours so if you deny him of it, you are only giving him a valid reason to go outside. Therefore, learn to relax, enjoy being with him. Let him know through your disposition and appreciation of him; that you are more than capable of giving him everything he needs in a woman. The fact that you are fighting for your husband’s affection should ignite your passion to make the difference in his life. You are wise to stop telling people about your challenge. You are the one in the best position to decide on what you want your life to be. The fact that he still remembers to give you money for your upkeep and those of the children means he is responsible despite his social habits. You are still lucky than most women whose husbands don’t care how they or the children feed or go to school. Be grateful for this mercy by going more on your knees to get your husband to change. Just believe that God is using this to teach and impact a lesson that will be useful to others in later years. Good luck.

He is despondent

Dear Agatha, I met this man I am dating some few months ago. We live in different towns. He is in Uyo while I am in Calabar. I met him when I was in Uyo. He is so wonderful and amazing. We are very compatible and perfect for each other. I love him very much. Two months ago, he relocated from Uyo to Calabar because his business wasn’t doing too well in that town. He is into telecommunications business. He felt he needed a change of environment. He is a very lively and playful person. We play a lot even when we talk on phone but recently I noticed he has become withdrawn, cold and reserved. He opened up to me that things were rough with his business and that his life was as a result at a standstill. The more I try to encourage him, the more despondent he becomes. This has affected our relationship especially in the area of communication. When I pointed this out to him, he pleaded with me to be patient and to understand his situation. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me so much. I feel bad that I can’t fix his problem. I feel so useless to him. He ignored my calls sometime last week but later sent me a text that he wasn’t happy to talk. Please help me since I don’t know what to do. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, The worst kind of man to be with; is the one going through some financial crisis. In this state, he is like a wounded lion because this kind of situation touches on his ego as man. Under this kind of state, don’t expect him to be loving or romantic. As a matter of fact, anything you say may ignite his temper so walk wisely around him like a tender egg. When a man finds himself unable to provide for himself let alone meet up with the expectations of those closest to his heart, he becomes moody, sometimes violent and if care isn’t taken by the woman in his life to gently coach him back into the realities of life, he could take up some social vices, like drinking. Even if he isn’t saying it, he needs you now more than ever before. One of the things that come with love is diligence. You have to learn to ensure this situation without complains or regrets. It is the only way you can bring him from the all time low he has fallen into. If you too begin to feel regrets about your not having money to help him come back on his feet, how are you going to talk him out of this mood? How are you going to make him have a reason to fight on? One thing both of you; especially you, must realize are the different seasons in life and the kind of destinies we each carries into the world with. While some people are meant to go through their challenges early in life, some go through it in the afternoon season of their lives while others have the twilight experience. Life wasn’t meant by God to be smooth sailing. No matter how successful an individual appears to be, there is always one or two challenges he or she is facing secretly. It is the grace of God that makes the difference in life. Besides, every success must have a tale of struggle, sacrifices, endurance, vision and determination. Without these, true success cannot be accomplished. Rather than allow the situation to overwhelm him, encourage your boyfriend to go back to the drawing board as every area has its inherent blessings. What works in one area may not succeed in another environment. Surely there are business options that are working very well in Calabar. It is finding out what they are and how he can influence or inculcate his telecommunication background into the existing business climate in the town. It might just be a simple case of introducing something different into his business line. Besides, there is no community that isn’t thirsting for telecommunication business. It is a viable business that can take him places provided it is in line with what God wants for him. You also must make him understand that it takes a while to make the kind of impact he wants in a new environment. Nobody likes doing business with someone who isn’t known; this is why even multi-national companies spend a lot of money on public relations and advertisements. He has to first earn the trust of the different publics he intends to deal with before he can talk of success. By this, he has to rebrand and introduce a kind of incentive to make him more attractive than his existing rivals. For now, he cannot afford to sell at the same price those he met there, sell. Tell him to drop his price a little bit and to tempt people with a kind of gift. This works excellently well because we are wired by God to go all emotional when someone shows appreciation to us through gifts. The offer of a gift will make some individuals give him a listening ear they would never have done. Call it bribe, but it falls under public relations. Every business needs the support of the people to grow. This is the time for you as his woman to put on your thinking cap. How can you help him improve on his business ideas? Again, you must also consider his passion for it. This is because passion makes the difference between failure and success. Deep down, is he in the right kind? Do you think he could have done better in another kind of venture? From experience, God usually use these kinds of situations to urge us to consider something else. Why not help him pray for the right direction? He may not be in the right kind of business God designed for him. While God has used the sales of something as mundane as pure water to bless some people, others, not designed to go into that kind of business whowent into it without asking God first, ended up in huge debts. Life is about aligning with the will of God and not necessarily the capital for the business. But until he comes to that realization, you must dream of something to remove his mind from his immediate worry. To do this perfectly, you have first to steel yourself against his mood swings. If he refuses to answer your calls, don’t worry. Send him a text message of encouragement instead. If he appears irritated at nothing in particular, quietly sit at a corner when you come to visit him, to read a book. Go with books you know would encourage him to beat his habits. You may not succeed in getting him in his present mood to read but leaving the books in strategic places will attract him to read eventually. Also dream of exciting places to take him to so he can relax and leave the prison of worries and disappointments he has sentenced himself to. Being new in the area, he may not have friends to help him through this difficult phase in his life. Having been in that town for a while, you might know one or two persons who are progressive in their thoughts to include in your outing plan to help him through all these. We all need people who can influence us positively. You cannot do this on your own without external help; sometimes, from men who have gone through similar situations. And if you ever love him, this is the time for you to show him how much. There is no battle extreme patience hasn’t won. Patience breeds respect, tolerance and endurance. You will need all these qualities to make this relationship survive this trying time. Rest assured that only the toughest survives a raging storm. More than ever before; you need to remain calm and trusting in the Lord, to get him out of this state. Good luck.

She is into multiple relationships

Dear Agatha, For all your support to troubled souls, I want to appreciate you. I am in love with this girl who unfortunately has been cheating on me. Though she initially denied having anything to do with any other man, she later agreed that she has been sleeping around. We have been dating for a year and six months; since then she has slept with three separate guys that I know within this period. She promised to stop cheating on me but, to my greatest surprise, she confessed after so much pressures from me that she has been sleeping with one tailor close to her house since March this year. I am a 500 level medical student while she is an ND 1 student of a polytechnic. I even promised to marry her but I am confused. My question now is, is it right for me to marry a lady I cannot trust? To be fair to her, she told me from the beginning that she has trouble dating one man; that she dates about five men simultaneously. But she assured me she will be faithful to me when I entertained fear about her doing the same thing to me. But right now, my heart has been totally shattered. What do I do? I am seriously worried, it is affecting my academics. I will appreciate your response. Worried Boy Dear Worried Boy In life there are three kinds of people we meet. Some come to help us grow, others are simply spectators in our lives, they don’t leave much impact while others come to destroy us. Depending on how much value we place on our dreams and the reasons for the relationship, those in the third category are most of the time best flushed out the moment they manifest their true colours. Clearly from your account, this lady isn’t prepared to be in any serious relationship at all. Besides, she has a history that needs time and energy to decipher. Why would any woman concurrently date five men? Something must be wrong somewhere in her life. You need maturity and an understanding beyond what you currently have to handle her. The fact that you are bothered and allowing her behaviour get under your skin showcases you as one man who don’t have what it takes, at least for now to resolve her kind of problem. Frankly, it is either you learn not to take yourself too serious with this lady, thereby giving yourself some emotional respite from all the hurts her behaviour is inflicting on you or be man enough to walk away from it all. There is no change in her unless it comes from her heart. To continue to dwell on the behaviour of this lady is to put on yourself unnecessary emotional burden, not good for your educational pursuit. In your fifth year at medical school you need all the concentration to scale through. Sex for her is like a hobby. Unless you know why she doesn’t feel any remorse having sex with more than five men at the same period of time, you cannot help or change her. If you really love her and want to help, first make up your mind not to be affected by her conduct at all. This way you will have the right mind to tackle her. Once you make it your business, ask her what happened in her younger years. This is where the key to her change will come from. You have to drill through the layers of both remembered and almost forgotten memories to help her come to terms with the danger associated with her kind of lifestyle. Sincerely, she needs you more as a friend than a lover to help her come to full appreciation of her value as a woman. If you insist on being her lover, you may never have the emotional equilibrium to stay around her sufficiently to help her change for the better. You may have been planted into her life by God to change her positively. She needs constant talking to, help and prayers. Chances are that she doesn’t even know that she has a problem. Some come from physical reasons like abuse when young or through spiritual means. Once you are able to establish the source of her own problems, it would be easier for you to know what kind of help to offer. Whatever you do, be a good friend. Don’t allow her sense your anger and despair too much. This may be counter-productive for the kind of help you want to offer her. Chances are that no man has ever cared enough about her to want to offer her the kind of assistance you are prepared to. For the simple fact that it is unusual, she may react negatively at first but if you are persistent, she will eventually come to her senses enough to be responsible. The fact that she told you from the beginning about her person shows that she isn’t pretentious, a positive sign of a mind that is conscious of her problem. She may not know it, her admission may be a silent cry for help. But ensure whatever you do, you are not affected by her attitude. What you should do now is to call her for that personal discussion. It has nothing to do with her being unfaithful to you or not but more to do with her reason for the kind of life she is living. Good luck.