I Want To Marry My Late Wife’s Best Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am in a fix and don’t know how to handle the situation. My wife died two years after our marriage. She actually died during childbirth leaving me with the responsibility of caring for a little baby. Being an orphan, I didn’t have anyone to turn to on my side. My late wife was my best friend and I loved her so much. I would have gladly given her family the freedom to care for the baby, but not with them accusing me of killing their daughter. It was a very traumatic period for me and I would have completely lost it if not for her best friend and chief bride’s maid, who stepped in to help me with the baby. 

Since she runs her own business, it was easier for her to take time off. She devoted herself completely to the care of the baby, sometimes taking her away for the whole week, especially when she has to travel for her business. 

Her devotion to the baby gave me the much needed respite to concentrate on my job. 

About nine months after my wife died, I noticed she was as happy as she once was. It was through another friend of theirs I got the information that her boyfriend walked out on her because of her attachment to the baby. He said the baby was coming between them. 

When I asked her if the information I got was true, she initially denied but later confirmed it. She said she didn’t tell me to prevent me from feeling bad. 

Feeling very bad, I decided to get someone to help me with the baby. But that turned out to be a big mistake because not only did the baby reject the paid help from the very day they met, I later discovered she was after me and had no real interest in the baby. I had to go back to my wife’s friend when the baby became really sick. Immediately she carried the baby, she became calm and refused to allow even me to carry her. 

It has been more than a year since my wife died and I am hopelessly in love with her best friend. I have tried everything I know how to do to get her off my mind but nothing is working. 

She is one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met. I want to marry her but is so afraid of how to go about it, especially as she and my late wife were very good friends. 

What would people say? Would they not, like my late wife’s relatives, think we both killed my wife so she can come in? Even though my best friend who is the only one who knows how I really feel thinks I couldn’t have made a better choice, I am scared of losing her if it turns out she doesn’t feel anything for me. I am so used to having her around me that I sometime pretend we are a married couple already.  

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

There are three clear issues here for which you must provide an answer with all honesty. Did you kill your wife? Were you in any way instrumental to what finally took her life? Do you love this other lady unconditionally? Are you in love with her out of a sense of gratitude for helping you with the baby or because you feel something very deep for her? What are you really scared of? Do you feel guilty at the death of your wife or falling in love with her best friend? 

If you are very sure you are really blameless in the death of your wife, ignore what people are saying or what they would say. Whether you do the right thing or not, people will always talk. It is the way the world is made. Life isn’t meant to be fair or clearly defined. Our clarity and fairness is anchored in God who knows and sees all things from beginning to finish. 

What you should really do is to take time off work and go away for a while, to a place where you cannot be reached for you to really think about everything that has happened to you in the last two years. If you can cope alone with the baby, you could both go. As a matter of fact, it would be very ideal because it would help take your mind away from calling her to know how the baby is. 

Being alone with your child will give you first hand information on how you plan to cope without a woman helping you with your responsibility. The holiday would afford you the isolation to congregate your thoughts and fit them into the right box. You must have a clear understanding of what you feel for this woman before presenting her with your feelings. This is very important; you don’t make the mistake of substituting gratitude for love. 

It is also important you make peace with the memory of your past if you desire to be happy in the future. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like the guilty memories of a past relationship. Think of what your wife would have wanted for you: remaining single or having someone who loves you and cares for the baby in your life?

If your wife were truly your best friend, she would understand that you cannot live life alone. That, being a grown up man, you need companionship and that her child needs a mother. What better person can she trust the two people who mattered most to her while alive than her best friend? You know her better than most people and can tell what she would have wanted you to do under the circumstances. Once you are able to get over the guilt of you being alive while she died giving birth to your child, it would be a lot easier for you to forge ahead with whatever decision you come to. 

The dead is gone, cannot come back to you, no matter how much you wish it possible. Her life with you belongs to yesterday. Sad as it may sound, the present and future are another new chapter entirely. She will always get a mention in your life but being dead has ended your pact with her. 

If this woman has all that you desire in a woman, don’t hesitate to make clear your intentions to her as soon as you make up your mind. The danger of delay is that someone else may come for her and she may out of frustration accept even if her heart is with you. 

It would have been a completely different case if your wife was still alive and you were having these feelings for her best friend. You are developing these feelings for this woman because you just have to fall in love again. It could have been another woman but your heart decided on her. Don’t be confused or bother your head at what people would say. It is your life, your happiness that matters at the end of the day. 

Don’t give people the right to dictate what you should do or how to manage your life. They don’t have your experience, dream and cannot imagine the things you have been through since your wife died. To allow them dictate how you progress henceforth is to give people power they don’t have over you. Make your dream a reality by telling her what you feel. Even if she refuses you at the end of the day, you will rest easy knowing that you tried your best. 

However, go to God first. It is important He takes charge of everything.

Good luck.

She Lied About Her Age

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed with the way you answer questions on love and relationships. I am also an ardent reader of your column. I would like to share my own problem with you for a very sincere answer too.

I am a 35-year-old man who is in love with a woman I met two years ago. Being unemployed, I asked her to give me her Curricular Vitae (CV).

Going through the CV, I discovered that she put her date of birth as January 18, 1975. But on close examination, I discovered she is actually 34 years since one can calculate the approximate age of someone from the year he finished primary school. From that discovery, it was obvious she lied about her age to me. I love her very much, but Agatha, why would she lie to me about her age? This discovery is making me very apprehensive of the future. At 34, she is just a year my junior. Would she not experience complications during pregnancy and at labour? If she could lie about her age, I think she also might have lied about other things. Though she denied having a relationship at the moment, how can I be sure? Because of her, plus the arrogance and unfaithfulness of my former girlfriend I sent the latter away only to discover that she too is less than truthful to me. 

I detest lies so much. It is painful because I expect her to be honest with me. Although I promised to marry her, I am now concerned that she lied about her age. My feelings for her now are not as strong as they were. To be honest, this discovery has left me in a quandary. What do I do now? Please advise me.

Owodife

Dear Owodife,

Although not many people, especially men would understand and appreciate your reactions to what many men now think is normal with women, I can. It is wrong for persons in a relationship to keep secrets especially one that is as important as age. Even if she lies to everybody about her true age, she should at least trust you with her actual birth date.

I am sure if she told you the truth, it wouldn’t have changed anything unless of course you are naturally adverse to older women or that your feelings for her were never deep enough to overcome problems that come along in the relationship. If you love her, sit her down and open up to her. Explain your disappointment at her behaviour and how it is affecting your affections for her. It is best she knows the extent her lies have affected you. 

It would teach her to be very honest about herself and other things in future. There is no perfect human being. Only God is perfect and since in his perfection, he still finds us worthy of his love and care, who are we sinners to condemn one another?

Both of you should give yourself a fresh start by opening up to each other. I am sure, you also have certain things about your life you have not told her or think unimportant for her to know. If you are really honest with yourself, you would discover that to some extent, you have also withheld certain information from her. Unless she is a pathological liar, this incident would teach her to be truthful.

On the issue of her not being able to conceive and give birth without complications, my doctor friend said modern science has made it possible for women who are even older than her to have stress-free pregnancy. He explained that most times, the composition of the individual woman rather than her age is the problem. Some older women who are very healthy have easier pregnancy and labour than younger women who aren’t as strong. A lot depends on the health of the woman.

Granted that some doctors worry over older women getting pregnant, at 35, she is not yet in the high-risk zone.

Importantly, commit the relationship to God. He only has the answers to our life problems.

Good luck.

How Do I Control Early Ejaculation?

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious problem with my fiancée. She complains about my quick ejaculation before climax which had been my problem since a long time. Once I suck a woman’s breast, I begin to experience ejaculation. I want you to help me by giving me clues on how to salvage the situation before it gets out of hand. 

Kelly.

Dear Kelly, 

Lovemaking is a two-way traffic. Trying to go solo often results in disappointment. What you should do is to sit your girlfriend down and explain your kind of problems to her. If she knows that you come to early ejaculation when you fondle her nipples, she might not insist on it. 

Discussing it with her would afford both of you the opportunity of exploring other methods of romance that will leave out her breasts until you are ready to climax. This is because, for some women, the nipples are the most erotic zones. If she falls within this category of women, you must both find another erotic zone in her body to do what the nipples do for her. If you fail to carry her along, she too would feel dissatisfied by your performance.

To marry your deficiency with her desire, you must trust, be willing to make the necessary sacrifice, have the clear knowledge of what your time together means to the other person as well as where you are both headed.

Lovemaking itself is a strong means of communication and if the wrong message is transmitted it could lead to a complete let down of all other feelings attached to it. 

Once she is ready to partner with you, the problem would be half-solved.

Good luck.

Drugs For Breast Enhancement

Dear Agatha,

I love and appreciate the way you treat people’s problems.

Please, I would want you to help me over the following problems: Is there any drug for breast enlargement?

People say that there are some herbal drugs that can be used to increase the size of the breast.

Please I want you to recommend any drug for the enlargement of breasts without going under the surgeon’s knife.

Another question is: can the drug I take prevent me from adding weight? Please treat this as urgent.

Blessing.

Dear Blessing,

I am told there are herbal drugs that can help enlarge the breasts without going under the surgeon’s knife.

It is best you consult a qualified herbal practitioner for further information because you have to undergo several tests and observation to confirm the suitability or otherwise of some of these drugs before taking them.

Don’t make the mistake a lot of people make by taking drugs without prescription or supervision.

There are quite a handful of qualified herbal clinics and practitioners in the country. It is also in your interest to investigate the quality and qualifications of the owners of the clinic before patronising them because of the prevalence of quacks in the practice. 

Sensible eating would ensure you keep your weight at a manageable level. Get into the habit of eating fresh fruits and vegetables everyday. If you are in the habit of eating junk food, desist. 

When hungry, snack only on fruits would do; and always drink plenty of water. Pureeing fruits like watermelon, tomatoes, pineapple into juice is excellent and healthy as replacement for soft drinks, canned or packed fruit juices which often time are made from artificial flavours and colourings.

Also look for a form of exercise you can fit conveniently into your schedule. 

It could be walking, jogging or swimming. Learn too to drink plenty of water.

Good luck.