Before Her Humble Background Stifles Me

Dear Agatha,                                    

I want to start by appreciating the wisdom you apply in solving people’s problem. There is this girl I’ve been dating for more than two years whom I’m contemplating spending the rest of my life with, but who has lied to me several times. The recent one includes her age. I just found out contrary to what she told me, she is a year and some months older than I am. 

I have never planned to be involved with a woman who is older than I am. 

Secondly, although an undergraduate in the final year, I’m scared by her family’s poor financial background. Considering the fact that I’m the first in my family, don’t you think that the responsibility would be too much on me? Don’t you think my family will be disappointed in me? I also noticed that she has had a surgery in the womb as a result of ovarian cyst. Can it prevent her from conceiving? Currently, she wants to go for surgery as a result of growth in her lower abdomen which has been there for over two years now.
I would like to know the cause of that and also whether it would have any future effect on her. Finally, I love this girl because she is a devoted Christian and also a wife material. Please, advise me on what to do.

Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

Sincerely, I am not in a position to tell you of the medical consequences of all the operations she has gone through and would go through. It is best you both go to the doctor for proper explanations on what could be wrong with her.  That she is having pains in her lower abdomen doesn’t make her infertile. The concern should be for her to get proper treatment for whatever is wrong with her.  On the issue of age and the many lies she has told you, she is very wrong to have lied about her age to you. She should have given you the choice of making up your mind on whether you want to date a woman older than you or not. Lies have a way of destroying trust in any relationship whether romantic, platonic or otherwise. It calls to question the true identity of the person involved.

But since you say you love her, it is a sufficient reason for you to forgive her. However there is the need for you to call, educate and point her at the harm her lies are doing to your relationship. She has to know that you don’t have the same confidence in her as you did when you started out. The realization that she risks losing you based on the many lies she tells you may help heal her of this habit. In addition, these lies point at lack of confidence in herself and security in your love for her. Knowing also that your love is strong enough to weather whatever storm life throws at both of you would make her think twice before lying to you. 

On the issue of her coming from a poor background isn’t tenable at all. If she is struggling to earn a quality education just like you, it means she is also conscious of her background and the need to improve on the lot of her family. Being poor  isn’t and will never be a crime but your attitude and disdain for her background may be the real reason she is hoarding the truth from you. You have to show her that you love her enough to overlook the financial status of her family.   

Since nothing good comes cheap, you have to overlook her downside and made up your mind on what you like most about her. Our ability to succeed is more often than not, limited by lack of determination to go after what our heart seek. Once your mind is made up about this lady, don’t bother yourself with her other habits because overtime love will cure her imperfection.

Just lean more on God.

Good luck.

We’re Both AS, But Don’t Want My Child To

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend and I are both AS. He isn’t bothered because he is very religious and is putting God ahead of us.  We are both very close but having had the unpleasant experience of living with a cousin who is SS, I am very worried about it. Although my friend is a very good man, I don’t want to have an SS child.  I know all about the technology of finding out before the child is born and terminating the pregnancy but I wouldn’t want to do that either.

I am really troubled because like I said, he is a very good man, the kind I want in my life. But right now I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I have never really met an AA guy as nice as he is.

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady, 

Life is about choices. To move forward in life you just have to make some painful choices. There is a point in life when we come to a cross road and have to make a choice between two unpalatable situations. It is God’s way of sharpening us for the many challenges life daily unfolds. You love him but don’t want the emotional and medical troubles that come with having an SS child. Something must go for both of you to be happy.

There is no easy way out of the problems you have found yourself in. It is either you take the risk of having an SS baby or you end the relationship with him and save yourselves from the harrowing experience of having to go through constant abortions or having an SS child.

One thing is clear, God should never be tempted. Granted, faith is the foundation of our relationship with God, wisdom is the icing on the cake of our faith. One cannot jump into a lake of firing in an attempt to tempt God’s presence in one’s life. To do that would be akin to putting God to test in a matter that requires simple wisdom to avoid. 

Faith is about trusting in God and not putting Him to test to prove His nature to us. We are the ones that should constantly put our selves under His authority, not Him putting Himself under our authority. God doesn’t work in that way. If you both know that your love is strong enough survive the emotional and psychological stress of having an SS child, all you have to do is ask God to give you the grace to. It is His grace to survive the tough time ahead that you need not His ability to change the situation. There are certain things God won’t change, not because He lacks the strength to but because it is our cross in life. God isn’t just a God of miracles only, but one who is determined to ensure His children understand that no matter the situation we find ourselves in, He remains our father, friend, cheerleader and our advocate at all times. 

At this stage, you both still have the ability to make the changes you want in your lives. He gave us the right to free will; to make the choice we are comfortable with. If you love him but unwilling to have an SS child, you have the choice of not attempting to have a child of your own by considering adoption. The choice is frankly yours to make since your man has made up his mind about the path he is going to take in all these. 

At this point, it is your duty also to educate him about the condition. Having experienced it at first hand, God has equipped with the knowledge as well as experience to educate him on the consequences of two SS coming together. Paint the picture of pains the child goes through as well as the usual regrets and anxiety the parents go through when the crisis starts. Also tell him about the despair of watching the child’s without being able to offer much help. He may not understand the full consequences of what he is going into but telling him would enable him have a clear perspective into what he is up against.

If unwilling to leave him, key into his vision but pray for the grace of God to get you to that level of comfort with His plans for you. Being the woman, you must have the greater strength of pulling your husband through at the end of it all.

However if you make up your mind to leave based on your experiences with your cousin, then you must sit down and re-order your priorities in life as well as the place and plans of God in your life. 

What you need to do urgently is to pray. Go on your knees and ask Him for the right direction to go. He only knows the strength and course of the patterns of our lives. This is a decision you have to make with a very clear and practical mind if you want to be happy in life.

Good luck. 

Coping Alone While I’m Abroad Sickens Her

Dear Agatha, 

I have gained so much from reading your solutions to other people’s problems. However one thing keeps tugging at my mind that has to do with the way things are turning out in Nigeria. It is worrisome but there is nothing I, as individual, can do about changing the course of things in Nigeria.

As a result of the situation in Nigeria, I have developed the strong desire to travel abroad to acquire more knowledge on my profession and seek a greener pasture. But where the problem lies now is on my beloved girl friend. She doesn’t want me to leave her behind while I travel out of the country. The truth is that I have to go because I need to improve on my life.  

I don’t know how to convince her that I intend marrying her once I come back to Nigeria. Her real fear isn’t the possibility of me falling in love with another woman while there but how she will cope without me. Agatha, what can I tell her that will give her the assurances she needs?

Chukwudi.

Dear Chukwudi, 

It is a simple matter of both of you trusting each other as well as developing the self discipline to cope with the loneliness of living apart for awhile. It is also a question of you taking out time to discover who your woman really is, the substance she is made of as well as the strength of her ability. This has nothing to do with character, but her peculiarities as a person. Just like everything in life, we all come with our strong and weak points. There is no way you would be able to convince her on your need to go if you lack the real knowledge of what you are up against in her person. This is the moment of truth, re-evaluation of your knowledge of her and the re-establishment of your relationship in conformity with your current challenge in your relationship.  

For her as a woman, her fear is multiplied because unlike you, she may not be able to play the field as freely as you would do as the man. You, your family and friends expect a certain form of decorum from her and being the one who would remain in familiar environment, she would feel your absence the more. She will lack the ability to have even a platonic relationship without fear of being called names. 

And if she is used to having sex with you, not having you by her side when she feels the sexual urge could be very traumatic for her emotionally. The lack of your warmth could actually push her to seek comfort somewhere else especially if she is the kind of woman who cannot cope without a man by her side. Since she trusts you enough to know that she is secured in your love for her, her fear is her own ability to keep herself for you. You must understand what she is not saying and seek ways of helping her cope with your absence. Whatever the society may say, some women simply cannot cope without having sex or having a man by their side. It has nothing to do with being promiscuous but the way they are built and how they have trained their bodies. This is a fact that must be appreciated by you before you leave her alone. Her protest is a salient plea to you not to allow her make a mistake she might later regret. If you love her, you must listen more to the lot she is not saying and not her discomfort at letting you go.

It is not just enough telling her you are traveling. You must, as a matter of urgency, fill her in on all the details. For instance you must let her know how long you intend to stay over there. For a woman like this, only a specific timetable would help her adjust. If you have no plans of coming back soon, be bold enough to tell her. Don’t lie to her simply because you want to get away. For her to cope, she has to prepare herself psychologically, emotionally and spiritually to first cope on her own and to control her sexual emotions.  Before you go, encourage her to take charge of certain things you hitherto helped her with and also teach her to learn to control her sexual urges by not obliging yourself as well as frequently as you used to. 

It is better for both of you if the withdrawal begins while you are still around. This way, the effect of a sudden withdrawal would not be so devastating for her to cope with. If both of you are able to manage your emotions, sort out any envisaged problems; honest about your feelings for each other this problem is resolvable. She has to understand your need for a secured and better life for both of you while you have to understand her real fears. Both of you must be ready to make the sacrifice needed at this point on time to get to the next stage of your relationship. 

Good luck.