I’m pregnant for the brother of my child’s father

Dear Agatha, I once dated his younger brother while we were studying abroad. I actually had a child for him which we both agreed to put up for adoption because we were at that time ill-equipped to take on the responsibility of caring for a child. Along the line, we had to part ways when he met an ‘akata’ woman who could give him the kind of security he wanted to remain in United States. I had to move on to another country; Canada: when I got the opportunity to. I came back to the country to start a new life. During a friend’s birthday, I met this man who I got talking to. One thing led to another and we eventually started dating. Even though something about his surname sounded familiar but at 40, I considered myself lucky to attract such a man so didn’t bother to probe him or his family. Being desperate, I immediately set about getting pregnant. Luckily, I was able to get pregnant six months after our meeting. I waited for five months before telling him about the pending baby to avoid him asking me to abort the child. I am blessed with a good physic so he didn’t know I was in the family way at all. When I eventually told him, he protested my pregnancy insisting we never discussed it especially as he has a family. He said our relationship wasn’t meant to last forever but I ignored him and made my way to see his parents confident no sane person would ask me to terminate an almost six months pregnancy. It was while I was there that his younger brother walked in. I didn’t know he was back from the United States let alone aware he is the younger brother of my unborn child’s father. His presence erased any hope of the family accepting me as the second wife of their eldest son. They practically threw me out when they discovered I had a child for their younger son. They said it was abomination in their family for two brothers to sleep with the same woman let alone have children by her. They said, they didn’t want curse upon their family hence told me to go and remove the child inside of me to avoid the repercussion of having children for two brothers. They also said, if I decide to keep the child, it would be my decision, not theirs since they will never have anything to do with me and my child for life. This is why I need your help desperately. I don’t know what to do. If I give birth to this child, there is no guarantee that the father’s family will ever welcome the child. Though there is a clause in the adoption paper that we signed that when the child is 18, she will get to know who her biological parents are. How do I explain to the world that I bore my two children to two brothers? On the other hand, I am getting advanced in age by the standards of a woman’s reproductive years. What assurances that I will ever get pregnant again? I am so confused as to the path to take in my situation. Please help me as a part of me wants to keep this baby because I need it to ensure this man comes back into my life; a baby to bargain with in my latter years should in case no man comes for my hand in marriage again. Please help me. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, Abortion is certainly out of the question. Whatever the consequences are, you are not allowed to take the life of that baby because you didn’t create it. You ran ahead of your legs by getting pregnant for a man you knew had a wife and who didn’t discuss you getting pregnant for him. You thought you could use the baby to trap him into marrying you; unfortunately you thought wrongly as there was never an agreement between the two of you that you were going to have a baby for him or he; marry you as his second wife. If you weren’t that desperate to marry at all cost, you should have investigated the similarities in the name of both men. This would have saved you the embarrassment of sleeping with two brothers and going to the extent of being pregnant for both of them. The choice before you is a very difficult one. This might be the last chance you have of being a mother; nobody can predict correctly what one’s destiny is in life. It gets to a point in life when one just must go against conventions and do what is right in the situatioπn one finds oneself. You have found yourself in one of those circumstances where you must tow the path of honour irrespective of what the world thinks of you. What should matter to you now is how you judge yourself at the end of the day. If you end up not having a child in life, how would you feel especially seeing your friends, siblings in company of their children? How can you terminate a pregnancy that is this advanced? You will only end up jeopardizing your own life in the process and even if you survive it, what about the state of your womb? At 40, your womb is aging and having gone through some experiences, might not be able to recover from the ordeal of an abortion. So why compromise your womb and life in the process of ending this pregnancy? At 40, you are not too young to have a baby; after all you must have thought it out thoroughly before embarking on this journey of deceit so why are you hesitant to continue what you started out with? Wasn’t this what you wanted? To have a baby for this man? The only difference here is that he won’t be around to help you with this baby as you planned. Only the living, tell tales or care for a child. Don’t forget that this child has a right to life just like you so, begin to plan for it as soon as possible because the task ahead of you is a difficult one; the kind that requires so much wisdom and determination to win. If the paternal family has rejected it, you as the mother cannot. The child is your responsibility to care for because you owe it life, care and love. The fact that you didn’t intentionally sleep with the two brothers is enough reason for you to go on. Even though you had the feelings, given the similarities in their names, you met them differently and had no way of knowing they were brothers. No matter what, always remember and never take it out on the child. As for the curse, once you anchor your faith in God, holding Him to every word He has spoken concerning you, you will overcome at the end of the day. You won’t be the first woman to find herself in this kind of mess but since you didn’t sleep with the two brothers intentionally, your case is understandable. Your only fault here is, your cunningness to entrap the man into a marriage he didn’t bargain for. You knew he was not in search for a second wife. Even if he wanted a second wife, you still should have discussed the issue of pregnancy with him before getting pregnant. Besides, at your age, you ought to know that there is more to marriage than a boy meeting a girl. As for the child you gave up for adoption at birth, it might not be so easy to get her back so this child might just be all that you have at the end of the day. Good luck.

I caught my cousin in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I dated my former girlfriend for six years. From the very first day I met her at a party organized for Jambites, I fell in love with her. She was different from all the girls I have ever met. I convinced her to date me and that was how we started. I loved her with every fiber of my body. I actually deflowered her and she had become known to everybody in my family. I graduated before her. I was two years ahead of her. Trouble started when she went to serve in Kano. She met my cousin there and through him I got to know she was having an affair with a commissioner in the State. I was so disappointed, I didn’t bother to give her a chance to explain or deny the allegations. I sent her an SMS, not to bother coming to my house again. I changed the lock just to make she doesn’t gain entrance into the house. When my parents got to know what happened, they pleaded with me to hear her out. I forbade them from ever discussing her with me. My eldest sister in London also advised me not to listen to that particular cousin because of his antecedent. I also turned down her counsel. Even when I was told she was carrying my baby, I denied responsibility. There was nothing my parents didn’t say but I maintained my stance. I didn’t know what happened to her after the day she came to my office and I disgraced her. Through the same cousin, I met and married my current wife within a year of leaving my ex. My father prevented us from going beyond the traditional wedding. He kept giving one excuse or the other to prevent us from going to the registry or church. Thank God I listened to him on that because my so called wife, I caught in bed with my cousin who later confessed that jealousy made him to frame my ex who he tried to date. I later discovered that with the help of my parents, my ex and our son, relocated to England to stay with my eldest sister for a while before she got her own apartment. The problem is, she is refusing to have anything to do with me and my wife is refusing also to let go of me pointing at me as being responsible for the pregnancy she claims she has. Please help me resolve this mess I am in. There is no way I can accept the pregnancy of a woman I caught in bed with another man. And I don’t know what to do to make my ex and child come back to me. The worst thing is that none of my family members appear interested in helping me to talk to her. My parents in particular say since I refused to listen to them at the beginning of this problem, I should find how to make her listen to me and resolve the issue of my cousin and wife. My parents can be very difficult when they choose to be. Please help me, Agatha. Phillips. Dear Phillips, The first thing is to settle the issue of the woman in your house. What do you intend to do with her and the pregnancy? Despite what she did, there is a possibility that you could be the father of her unborn child. No matter what, that child should not be made to suffer on account of what the mother did to you. Granted the fact that you caught her in bed with another man is enough reason for you to insist that you don’t want to have anything to do with her and that child but consider how you would feel if at the end of the day you are indeed the father of the child. For this reason, exercise some patience. Good enough modern technology can determine the paternity of a child easily these days. There is nothing patience cannot do; the very reason you found yourself in this mess. Had you been patient, listened to your parents and sister, you would have given your ex, the chance to explain herself rather than deny her and the child. This is what is threatening to play itself out again. Another innocent child’s life and future hangs in the balance as a result of this same manipulative cousin of yours. The truth is, if you don’t clear this mess your lack of patience created, you will never be happy with your ex by the time she comes back. You must be able to give her a detailed picture of what she is coming back to. For instance, if after giving her the impression that you don’t have a child from this marriage and tomorrow, this child whose paternity is now in dispute turns out to be yours, what kind of story will you be telling her? This is in addition to what is appearing to becoming a pattern in your life. You should work hard at ensuring it doesn’t persist beyond this point. Since she is claiming the pregnancy is yours, continue to offer her accommodation until she puts to bed. You can leave the room for her or find a place to hang out until the issue is completely resolved. Even though you both didn’t marry in the church or registry, under the native laws and customs, you are married hence must first take steps to dissolve the marriage by asking her to return the bride price you paid on her. It is only then, you can be free to move on with your ex or another woman you might find attractive. But in all these you must be careful not to advertise your intentions to your wife else she would make life very miserable by refusing to vacate your life despite whatever you saw. A woman who can have the guts to sleep with your cousin in your house cannot be dismissed with a wave of the hand. She can make life very miserable for you if you push her too hard. Like I said earlier, be patient and learn from this situation. As for your ex, she will eventually change her mind once your family members agree to talk to her. Your parents are determined to teach you a lesson; one of learning to look beyond what people say about those close to you. You simply have to keep pushing and begging your ex for forgiveness. If possible, find time to visit her in England to see her and your child. Your presence can make a lot of difference in all these. Frankly, this isn’t something you can settle through telephone conversation because you hurt her deeply. For a woman you deflowered and couldn’t defend her in time of need, falls short of the trust expected of you. A lot of trust went into her decision to open up her body to you. That simple act should have informed the decision you took especially as she didn’t give you any reason to doubt her in the six years you dated her. Doubtless, what your cousin said about her affair with a commissioner was enough to annoy you but you should have controlled your reactions by going down to Kano to find out and confront her with the allegation. Relationship flowers under trust. From your reactions, you didn’t act like a man who loved his woman. Love and trust go hand in hand. At least you should have given her a chance to explain herself; the relationship between her and the commissioner. That you didn’t do any of these is why she is acting this way. The issue you also have to convince her about is, would you have come looking for her if you didn’t discover your cousin and wife in bed together? This would be the toughest part of your quest to get her back. Whether you like it or not, this question will have to be answered by you before she might agree to come back. So search your mind properly and convince your family members of your true need of this woman in your life. At the end of the day, the involvement of your family members will definitely make her change her mind provided she isn’t already involved with someone who really appreciates her than you. Good luck.

I want to die because I’m ugly

Dear Agatha, I am frustrated, unhappy and inclined towards suicide. Right from the beginning of my life, classmates and so called friends have called me ugly. Not even my siblings want to be seen with me because of my looks. The only people who are my friends, are my parents and two of my childhood friends who never joined all the others to pronounce me ugly. Throughout my university days, I didn’t have any serious date. The few that came my way, I ignored because I knew they wanted my body. There was one, a very popular boy then who wanted to be my friend. I knew he just wanted to mock me like most boys back then so I drove him away. I am 29 years now. My younger sister, my chief tormentor got married two years ago; the one following her got married two Saturdays ago I want everything a young woman wants but I have no man in my life because I am too ugly. My ugliness drove me into eating junks just to be happy. Now I have also added a lot of weight. I want to be happy. Agatha, my life is miserable that I feel ending it all would be a good solution. Sometimes I wonder why God created me this way. Why are others pleasing to the eyes and I not? I am not supposed to be his image? He isn’t ugly so why did he create me ugly? It hurts when my sisters and their friends gossip about my looks behind me. Even though my mother and the few friends keep telling me I am beautiful, that I have a good heart, the best smile, eyes and manner, I know they are trying to make me happy. I just want someone to talk to and I know you have a compassionate heart through your replies to problems people share with you. Thanks for the opportunity to share this with you. Ronke. Dear Ronke, Your letter brought tears to my eyes and I felt really bad when I discovered I had deleted your contact after downloading your story. It would have been a real privilege to have you bestow that wonderful smile of yours on me. I wonder what you mean by being ugly. Everything God created is wonderful and represents a part of Him. No man or woman created by God is ugly or a mistake. We are each wired with a part of Him. Anyone who therefore condemns you is condemning the one who created you and gave you the features people are today branding ugly. Don’t ever forget that. God never makes a mistake and always have a particular reason for doing things in a particular way. Besides, only those who survive life’s stormy ride can truly appreciate the essence of God. This is because life is itself a jungle of the good, bad and ugly. Trust me. you don’t need friends or family members who are sightless and insensitive. You are better off without all these people around you. A friend’s worth is measured by the amount of support he or she is willing to offer his or her friend. Besides, it is also wrong to premise your happiness on the views and attitude of other people. That is giving them too much power over your life. You have as much right to be happy as they have because you are also the child of God like they are. So why bother yourself with what a person like you thinks about you? Why give them authority to define when you are to be happy or not? Why make yourself miserable simply because of someone’s twisted definition of what beauty is? Stop arming your enemies with more weapons to hurt you. Like I said, life is a jungle and everyone is looking for ways to survive in it. Some people specialize in putting others down to get up; while there are others positioned to help people stand up. The latter group is the one you should look for; people God has positioned in your life to help you colour it with the best and brightest colours. There are no absolutes when it comes to the definition of beauty or ugliness. A lot of time, it depends on the perception of who is interpreting. If someone who is vain, lacks depth and frivolous; is defining beauty, chances are the person will talk about physical beauty while a more matured and practical minded person will give emphasis to that inner and everlasting kind of beauty. The beauty that never ages, fades or goes askew. This is the kind that you have; one that is ever lasting. There are different kinds of beauty; one that is loud and could be ruined with the wrong attitudes and character. This is generally classified as perishable beauty. It doesn’t last at all because the person lacks the inner strength and wisdom to carry it into full maturity. There are those who are beautiful inside and outside; who don’t bargain, oppress or insult others with their beauty. There are those whose beauty are like light, they practically glow from inside, radiate hope and offer instant encouragement to those going through tough situations in life. These are the people with the real beauty. This is the category you fall into. They have priceless hearts and are often the kinds of people others entrust with their lives. You have been unable to realize who you really are because you silhouette yourself in the views of others. This is why you think you are unworthy of the attention of a good looking man; that no man wants you for who you are but what he can get from you. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to yourself and all those men who offered to be your friend. You acted like all those people with attitude problem. There is nothing wrong with you except what you have allowed yourself to think. Rather than give them something to talk about by killing yourself, follow your dream and work on your self esteem. Begin by discovering who you are. There are many people out there like me, who turned life’s disadvantages to advantages. Today, I am a counselor because of the challenges I experienced in my marriage early in life. A lot of people mocked me when I first started this page but I refused to be cowed by their nuisances because I knew they cannot live my life for me. I have every reason to thank God for entrusting me with something so priceless. Today, I am a very happy and fulfilled woman and my husband, the best in the world. I couldn’t have asked for someone better. Had I listened to the crowd then, I would have missed it all; rested this page and hide forever. There is no one without a story to tell or challenge of some sorts. The trick is to stand and ask yourself this important question: who did God sort permission from before creating you? If He didn’t, why are you seeking the approval and permission of others to be happy? You are too much of a good thing to waste away simply because some people want to play God in your life. Get out of that sorry chair of yours, shake off the excess fat you don’t need and put on that enduring smile of yours to announce to the world that you are ready to take your place. Shove aside those sisters of yours: with sisters like that; you don’t need enemies in your life. Do the same thing with those people who think being physically beautiful is everything. Always remember the world doesn’t pay attention or bother with people who have no future. The fact that people are going out of their way to ensure you never remember to be happy means, they know you have something extra special which they don’t want you to discover. If you kill yourself, you will only be serving their purpose; so perish the thoughts of suicide from your mind. Instead, create and define your happiness by going into what you like to do best. If you have forgotten what your dreams are, take a trip down memory lane; to that time when you wanted to be something. It is a simple matter of self discovery. Once you key into it, you will discover how beautiful and exciting life can be. Please, if you are in Lagos, do come to our corporate office to pay me a visit. I really want to be part of your life. Good luck.

What can I do to have him back in my arms?

I have been married for four years. Ordinarily my husband is caring and responsible but since I married him, he has persistently done certain things that are beginning to make me wonder if he thinks of me at all. He has never remembered my birthday let alone, buy me gifts. But I have never failed to remember his birthdays and proceed to buy him gifts. I wouldn’t have minded if he also doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays. Since we became parents, there is nothing concerning his children special days, he doesn’t remember. He not only remembers but also makes it a family celebration. He would take time out to take us all out. He also remembers his mother’s birthdays. He never fails too to give me more than enough money to buy her presents. Whenever I ask why it is only my birthdays, he forgets, he would mumble something about being too busy. Although he would bring my gift the next day, but then it wont be my birthday gift-more of apology gift. Since he has consistently treated my birthday as a none issue in the last couple of years, I deliberately forgot his as well and his mother’s to show him how it feels not to be remembered by the one you love the most in the world. The fact, I forgot his mother’s birthday is now causing so much problems in our home; more than I bargained for. Since June, he has refused to talk to me; he says I am wicked and uncaring. He also described me as being cruel to his mother. The fact that he knew I did it deliberately is what is making him very angry. I am fed up of everything and just want my husband back but is making peace between us impossible to negotiate. He only talks to me when there are people around or his children are with us. In the bedroom, he sleeps on a small mattress he bought for his study room. When I make attempts to touch him, he pushes me off him; he hasn’t looked my way since the incident. I can’t continue like this. What can I do to have him back in my arms? I love him so much. Eyiwunmi. Dear Eyiwunmi, Beg him! Two wrongs can never be right. So what if he forgets your birthday? How many men remember their wives’ birthdays? You are not his child so why should he remember your birthday the way he remembers those of his children? If he doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays, who will? He remembers his children special days because he helped to create them. There is no way he ever forgets the anxiety of bringing them into the world. Therefore it is natural for him to always remember those days just as your father remembered yours while you were still at home. He will also not forget his mother’s birthday because of the history they shared together. No matter the position you now occupy in his life, his relationship with his mother predates yours and can never be replaced by you. No matter your anger against your husband, you should never have taken it out on his mother. You were wrong to exhibit such a behaviour towards a woman who gave birth to the man you love most in the world. The fact that she trained him to be caring and responsible like you said, should that be a reason for you to always show appreciation to her? Besides, she deserves every attention she can get at her age. How would you feel if the wife of your son stops him from celebrating you in your old age? She has worked to be where your husband is today so don’t ever begrudge whatever he spends on her or the quality of attention he bestows on her. It is her right, her moment to reap what she sowed years back. The fact that he has ignored you for almost two months after the incident happened, explains his hurt and disappointment at your conduct. You have been married to this man for four years and should have known issues very close to his heart. There is no way, you will live with someone for a year and not know the values of such a person. Even if you wanted to pay him back in his coins, you should have chosen to his own birthday to do that, not his mother’s. It isn’t as if his mother is supporting him to ignore your birthday. In addition, the fact that he always comes back home with gifts the day after your birthday shows that he isn’t completely indifferent to your birthday. Not many men would even think it appropriate to buy an apology gift as you call it for their wives after her birthday. Marriage is about accepting the limitations of the other person and appreciating the person’s strength. Besides, wisdom demands that certain issues be tackled with diplomacy. As a wife and mother, you must at all times find a balance in your dealings with your family members. Had you used either his own birthday or his children’s to drive home your point, he wouldn’t have taken it to heart the way he is taking your actions against his mother. Now he thinks you don’t like his mother at all. It will take you quite an effort to make him see reasons with you, make him forget that you can be mean to his mother. Since he is very close to his mother, she is the only one that can settle this matter. You may not like the idea of going to her but at the point your marriage has gotten to now, you need to do something very urgently. The more you sleep apart the more danger you expose your home and family. He is angry and very vulnerable to the manipulation of a crafty woman. This is a dangerous gulf you must not allow to continue. If it means telling his mother everything, do it fast. Men aren’t as patient when it comes to the issue of intimacy. You may be able to endure it but, he wont be able for too long. There are too many attractive women out there for you to ignore the real danger this situation presents to your home. In soliciting for her assistance, apologise for deliberately forgetting her birthday. Tell her the truth and why you thought it was a good idea then. As a woman, she would understand the sentiments of your action especially if you have never had any issue with her before. Follow this by trying to win him back with the pleasant memories of your life together before this unfortunate incident. Cook him his favourite meal, the kind you know he can’t resist. Make sure his children are up and waiting for him when he comes back. Since he can’t resist his children, he would be forced to eat the meal. Use that opportunity to touch him, whisper your apologies into his ears, bathe in your most seductive perfume. For once, ignore the children while you commence your wooing game. Present him with the best gift you know he likes; go into the bedroom to wear one of your most sinful nightgowns; the kind no sane man can resist. The idea is to get him to touch you. I am sure once you are able to break into his wall of defence, getting him to listen to your apologies won’t be that difficult anymore. If you need to use an adult film to water down his stubborn resistance, do it provided you achieve your aim of getting him back in your bed and arms. After that go on your knees to properly say sorry to him. If your wish is to have him celebrate your birthday, make sure you start reminding him about a month to the time. Begin a countdown process; on the day, wake him up with a kiss reminding him that you are glad to be alive. Order a cake for the family; plus a special meal. This way, he can’t but remember to get you something special. There are always better alternatives to every situation as long as we are willing to apply our minds to these alternatives. Always place God on your front burner. Good luck