Dear Agatha,
I have been married for just one year and already my husband is complaining bitterly about my sexual performance.
I have tried to be the kind of woman he wants me to be but I am limited severely by the type of training I got as a young child. My mother presented sex as dirty and only done when a man and woman are making babies.
She told me never to allow my man use me as a sex tool; that it was ungodly for a man and woman to have sex when they are not thinking of making babies. She said men were selfish and animals who were always requesting for sex from women.
She told me never to undress in the presence of my husband and that we should always do it when it is dark. My elder sister whose husband threw out of her matrimonial home has told me not to mind our mother if I don’t want to end up like her; her husband is now married to another woman. My mother says my sister’s husband is the son of the devil. She says any woman who enjoys sex is a prostitute.
My husband respected me enough not to pressure me into having sex with him before our wedding night. A month after our wedding I still hadn’t allowed him near me until he forced himself on me one night.
Since then, it has been a tug of war getting me to sleep with him. I love my husband so much; I don’t want to lose him to another woman. I am forced to come to you to teach me what I should do to keep him. I am sure his decency and respect for me is what is keeping him from going after other women because not only is he extremely handsome, he has both the means and experience to get any woman he wants.
I am really desperate to do what I have to do. Please help me if you really want this marriage of mine to survive. You are the only hope I have as I can’t discuss this with any other person and don’t even have any idea where to begin from. I am 28 years old while my husband is 32.
Ann.
Dear Ann,
This is tough. The first place to start is to go back in time to your youth and all those things your mother said about sex. As a young woman of 28, you have your own mind and have the exposure as well as knowledge to know that sex is a natural process between a couple; that it is the right of your husband to have access to your body on demand and his privilege to enjoy sex with you.
So the issue of you holding yourself from your husband doesn’t arise. It is his right to take and yours too to enjoy the thrills that come from the intimacy of a man and woman being together in that dance of time.
When a man and woman live together, shame becomes non-existent. Your body becomes his property and his yours too. He has a right to view and touch your body any time of the day just as you have all the rights in the world to touch him where no other woman, not even his mother, can touch him.
Seeing and touching each other at will is one of the reasons we get married. Desiring your husband doesn’t make you a prostitute and at any rate, if you aren’t his prostitute by virtue of your position as his wife, whose prostitute would you be? That of a total stranger? If you don’t give him as he desires, other women are waiting in the wing to do anything to have him just like the experience of your sister shows.
Men are generally like babies, they know only the hands that feed them and care for their needs. Your husband may be decent and respectful of your feelings but there is always a limit to endurance, especially when the topic has to do with sex. As a mature adult male, used to sleeping with women, it would get to a point his body would demand for it. Whether the likes of your mother admits it or not, at a certain stage in one’s life the desire for sex is akin to that of hunger, this is particularly true for men generally. It must have an out; don’t wait until your husband gets to the point of desperation else the results would be devastating.
There is really nothing to do. Since your husband knows you are very inexperienced and confused as a result of what your mother fed you with, go to him and ask him to be your teacher. If he doesn’t know the full story of your mother’s version of the facts of life, sit him down and tell him everything. Remember, this isn’t your shame but that of your mother who painted a very negative picture of sex to you. Your explanations would help him understand the enormity of the work he has to do to bring you out of your emotional shell.
It will help him begin the ABC with all the patience and tolerance that will make you an expert yourself.
On your part, make the job easy for him by following his examples without fighting or resisting the changes he is introducing. Don’t be shy or ashamed; you are safe in his hands because he is the one man God gave the rights and permission to touch any part of your body unhindered. He is the only one licensed by both the laws of God and man to see you at your most vulnerable and beautiful.
Sex is a very special gift, a beautiful one given by God in His wisdom to mankind. It isn’t just for procreation but also a powerful tool to bond couples. It is the spiritual arm of the relationship that brings the body, spirit and soul of a couple together. It is the endless and mystic bond that keeps couples together.
To reduce its value to just a baby making purpose not only cheapen its fundamental nature but brings it to the level of the lesser animals who only come together during their mating season.
Sex to the humans is a tool of communication, companionship, relaxation, covenant, expression of one’s feelings, friendship, trust, interdependence on each other and agreement to journey together in every way.
If your mother deprived your father of all these, she got away with it because your father allowed it. Your husband isn’t your father and has shown that he isn’t going to allow his rights to be trampled upon by his woman. He is a man who knows what he wants and isn’t making pretences about it.
You don’t need any book for now because God has equipped you with all the knowledge you need to make everything happen. Just follow your natural instincts, not the ones forced on you by your mother.
To make the experience memorable for you, see it as a precious gift you want to give your man, the one you married and love very much.
The secret of the moment lies in your ability to relax and allow yourself to swim without resistance. Trust your man implicitly with your body, spirit and soul. Let him lead you into the world of adventure God gave you both as a special gift of his understanding and appreciation of who we are as well as our needs. God is a father in all ramifications and anticipates all our needs even before we know what we want. He has not condemned you, so don’t allow anybody, even if the person is your mother, give you a burden God hasn’t given to you.
Your mother or her opinion of you doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is what your husband thinks of you and your happiness together as a couple. Trust me, this journey is one you will always cherish and enjoy.
Good luck.
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