Dear Agatha,
There is this problem I have with my relationship. I recently clocked 26. My boyfriend is 10 years older than I am. Despite the age difference he is my dream man and we are really in love with each other. He indirectly talks about marriage, but has not come out openly to propose. I know he doesn’t have money, but as far as I am concerned money isn’t everything. But I am becoming worried at his non-committal attitude.
After being with him for a year and seven months, I recently agreed to sleep with him in September and last month since he wasn’t forthcoming on anything. I came out to openly ask him what plans he has for our relationship.
I did this to know where I stand with him as well as to give me the idea of what my next step should be. If I expected him to be categorical, I was in for a shocker as he told me pointblank that since he lacks the ability to know what the future holds, he can’t make promises. That what if he tells me he would marry me and it turns out the other way?
Agatha, I am worried, because I don’t want to double date in my life, and wouldn’t want to be heartbroken.
Now my question is, am I wrong to ask him to define our relationship? The problem is that I have other male admirers on queue, but haven’t given them any thought because I do really love my boyfriend.
Worried Girlfriend.
Dear Worried Girlfriend,
In a way he is right because nobody has the ability to predict what the future holds. Life is always a gamble. Everyday we gamble on the choices we make. He could promise you marriage now, but if the Almighty God says otherwise, you two would still go your different ways. Until the day a man and a woman walk down the aisle the promise to live together till eternity remains just that, a pledge not a guarantee.
Rather than concentrate all your efforts worrying on whether he would marry you or not, concentrate first on the essentials, getting to know if he has the qualities that would make marriage to him enjoyable. The mistake a lot of women make is not to prepare for the challenges of marriage first. The fact that you have a man in your life isn’t enough a reason to want marriage with him at all cost. A concerted effort must first be made to investigate the nature of the person, strength, attitude, temperament as well as disposition to life generally before marriage can be contemplated. A man or woman must be abreast with all the challenges that go with the relationship he or she wants to make permanent.
What is his worst side, the kind you wish he didn’t have but must strive to accommodate in the interest of peace and harmony in the relationship?
This is the season for you to do your homework well if you hope to be happily married to him. You could hold back on sex and still not know what it is you are supposed to do in cementing a relationship. The right mix for any relationship is for a couple to be realistic about expectations in the union. In assessing each other’s suitability as a viable partner, interest should be focused on what will and what will never work.
What is your vision of marriage to this man? The all important question you should ask yourself before pressurising him on what his marriage plans for you are would he make you an ideal husband, one you can rely on when the going gets tough, laugh with and at, grow into old age with? One you can forgive anything, would be your best friend? It is in your interest pause and reflects on these points before demanding marriage with him or any other man for that matter.
As for considering other men, because he isn’t forthcoming, relationship generally has a time of planning, the sacrifice period and time of harvesting. The flipside of this is regret when issues are not properly thought out before a decision is taken. If you are unable to make the necessary sacrifice now by having the patience to wait and observe the things he is not saying, the actual reason he doesn’t seem to be in a haste to marry, the challenges he is going through as a man as well as the peculiarity of his situation? As a woman desirous of spending the rest of her life with him, these are issues that should engage your interest, know how you can be of assistance to him. Pegging your reactions to what he said and not the reasons as woman who is individualistic in her attitude. If you actually love him, be more concerned about his welfare and interest.
On the issue of whether you should make hay while the sun is still shining by accepting one of the offers before you, it is a personal thing. But what will you do again if that one turns out not to be ready for marriage or isn’t sure too when the date would be? Walk away?
When issues like this come up in a relationship, the best place to go is before God so when all the signs are reading confusion, you will always have a solid thing, the word of God, concerning the relationship to hold on to. A choice left in the hands of God will survive whatever storm because His peace will always be present as succour.
Asking God through honest prayers for help will direct you at the right path. Don’t give God alternatives; just tell Him to show you what He has for you. This way you don’t end up with the wrong man.
Good luck
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