What can I do to bed my friend’s wife?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with my friend’s wife. Since the day my friend introduced me to his wife, I haven’t stopped dreaming about her. I met her a year ago when my friend invited my wife and I to his house to celebrate the 10th birthday of his first daughter. Something moved deeply in me when she smiled at me. I couldn’t stop comparing her, as we all sat down discussing, with my wife, who looked like the fabled duckling beside her, Twice, I have paid her visit when I know her husband isn’t in town, but beyond the courtesy of being my hostess, I could be dead for all she cares. The last time she came to our office to see her husband I was in his office. She barely looked my way throughout after the first exchange of pleasantries. From what my friend says about his wife, he is her world just like he appears to be. Unlike some of us, he doesn’t womanise even when he has a reason to come out for some drinks with the boys. He tells us that there is nothing he is lacking in his wife. The pride he talks about her makes me more determined to have her. It is getting to a very dangerous dimension for me. I am even ready to do away with my wife to marry her. At nights, I have wet dreams from dreaming and imagining what she would look like without cloths. I am even avoiding my wife because of all the kinds of thoughts and dreams that now occupy my mind. How do I go about this? I feel she is the woman for me. I want her so badly. Godwin. Dear Godwin, There is this saying that when a child falls he gets up and continues with his walk, but when an old man falls he looks back to see first the reason for his fall and to see who witnessed his fall. Look back into the past to what happened to all the men who stole the wives of other men – including David in the Bible. None of them escaped the wrath of God. They all suffered public disgrace in various degrees. How can you want another man’s wife so badly? Is there a draught of single and willing women ready to do your bidding as long as the price is right? If every man goes about thirsty for another man’s wife, what will happen to the marriage institution? What kind of friend are you? Despite the very low opinion you have of your wife, would you be happy if anyone tries to steal her from you? How do you want the world to remember you in history if this deadly desire of yours comes into the open? It isn’t done. This woman is married to your colleague and friend. He invited you to celebrate with his family at home because he saw you as a friend, one he can trust. Don’t do anything to betray the trust of a man who opened his home and the hearts of his family to you. No decent man goes after the wife of his friend no matter what. Even if she is the one asking for you to take her to bed, the law of decency forbids you to take up her offer because it is not everybody this man calls his friend. The word ‘friend’ is an embodiment of everything good that life has to offer. It means, this man trust you with everything that is important to him. What kind of friend backstabs his friend? What kind of friend plans sorrow for his friend? A man’s wife is his life, honour and pride. Unless you plan to kill him, stay away from this family before your ill-conceived feelings destroys the trust and harmony between this couple. This couple doesn’t need your kind of friendship. They are clearly better off without you in their lives. If the woman isn’t too friendly with you, it is because she can sense something her husband is clearly blind to. In her own way, she is sending out a warning, the kind you should not ignore if you are wise. Going to her house when her husband isn’t at home has her on the alert. In the first instance, you are not the kind of friend who should be visiting her when her husband is out of town or out of the house going by the time of your first acquaintance. If you know what is good for you and bothered about the effects this scandal will have on your person and family, fight the temptation. Even if you must have an extra-marital affair, do it with a single woman, not a married woman and certainly not one married to your colleague and friend. Dreaming about making love to her when you should be romancing your wife, improving on the relationship between the two of you isn’t right. You have allowed your lust for this woman get the best of you. How will you explain it to your wife if you mistakenly call out her name during intimacy with your wife? Dreaming about her, visualising her naked body next to yours is dangerous for everyone concerned. Unless your motive is to cause a major problem in her marriage that would make her husband drive her out of the house, resist this dangerous thought of yours. Even if you haven’t done anything with her, you are debasing this woman spiritually. She hasn’t done anything to encourage the type of things you are imagining about her. She is someone’s wife and mother. You have your own wife. This is pure covetousness; the reason men become killers or became fetish. No matter how beautiful this woman is, is she worth your soul or the destruction of everything you believe in? Have you bothered to think of all those lives you will be destroying along with yours if you don’t put a stop to this? Even if your wife’s feelings mean nothing to you what about your children’s? The worst thing that can happen to a man is to lose the respect of his children. What kinds of stories will you tell your children if this whole thing blows up in your face? Will you ever have the moral justification to stand before your children? Will you ever be able to command their respect again? How will you feel as a man if you perceive your wife to be interested in another man or envisioning another man while with you in the bedroom? It is the height of disrespect and disregard for the person of your wife as well as the sanctity of your marriage. It isn’t until you have slept with another woman that you commit adultery. The fact that you are picturing it in your mind is enough. There will always be a better woman or man than our spouses but responsibility is knowing when to draw the line between mere appreciation for one’s natural looks and lust. There is really no harm in appreciating the look of this woman but it becomes something else when you want to steal her from her husband and family and in the process destroy her happiness for your own selfish reasons. The reasonable thing to do is to help your wife become better; that is if true there are one or two things you don’t like about her. Start by talking to her about the issues or things you don’t like about her instead of plotting on how to steal another man’s wife. Every marriage needs help to become better. There is always a way if there is a will. You can at the end of the day, use this situation to improve on your relationship with your wife. God may have brought this woman to open your eyes to the neglect of your wife. That you described her as an ugly duckling underlines your indifference to her. The beauty that attracted you to this woman, she owes to the peace her husband is giving her in the home. A woman’s state of mind is always reflected in her face. When a woman is happy at home and with her life, she glows and blossoms and when the story is otherwise, she becomes sad, jumpy and ugly. This woman’s appearance would become like that of your wife if her husband treats her the way you are treating yours. Therefore, listen to your wife. Address whatever is making her uncomfortable as a woman, wife and mother. Give her the kind of support your friend is giving his wife to radiate. If you devote yourself to being a good husband, before long, that shine and peace you noticed in your friend’s wife will also be visible on the face and mien of your wife. That woman is the better side of her husband; give your wife the opportunity to also be the better part of you. Good luck.

I love no one like her, but she’s indecisive

With Agatha EdoEmail: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Let me use this medium to appreciate you for saving so many people from the challenges of our day-to-day relationships. I am 30 years of age, dating a lady who is in her 20s. Although not more than 25 years of age, she however behaves as if she is older than she really is. I met her when she was seeking admission into the university. For six months we dated until she called me one night to ask for suspension of the relationship. She said she needed time to sort out some private issues. I insisted she must tell me why she needed the break but she refused, all she said was she would tell me her reason after it was all over. She also assured I would appreciate her reason. As a result, we didn’t communicate for a good year. She later secured admission into the Federal University of Technology, Yola, Adamawa State. That is where she is currently living and schooling while I live and work in Abuja. Incidentally, the day and time I decided to call her was also when she made the decision to call me. Our calls clashed; I withdrew mine for hers to come through. When I asked, if she had come back to stay she said, it was a possibility. But from that day we continued from where we stopped. She later confessed that she left me for a year to enable her read and pass her O level papers. She said her love for me was becoming so much of a problem for her that if she didn’t ask for the break then, she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on passing her papers. According to her, now that she is back, she can handle her studies and our relationship. Things have been going on very well since October, last year until she stopped calling me. But I continued and each time I call her, she tells me she is missing me but because of the distance between us, the passion and feelings that she has for me have gone down. She said, she no longer has feelings for me. Last week, I asked her to marry me when she is on her industrial training but she said she wished she could develop enough love to agree with my proposal because I have been so good to her. She went on to say any time she makes the move to call me, something will prevent her from doing so, saying it wasn’t important. Agatha I love this girl. The distance between us is responsible for this situation. She swore to me that she isn’t involved with any other man and isn’t under any kind of pressure. How do I win her love back? Even though she says she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, she admits liking me a lot as well as expressed the hope that she could come to love me as much as she did again. I have prayed for someone else, but I haven’t found anyone. What do I do to save my relationship with this lady? Worried Guy. Dear Worried Guy, If you think this lady is worth having in your life, you must be ready to make the sacrifice needed to salvage the relationship. The distance between you and this lady is the effort it will take you to book a flight ticket to Adamawa State or to the nearest airport to the place. It isn’t as if you are millions of mile apart; you live in the same country, so what is preventing you from going over to see her and discuss things over? Not every relationship can survive the coldness of telephone calls especially if the relationship is still in its nascent stage. She may really love you, but it is obvious that she cannot cope at all with the loneliness; or the absence of her man for as long as a year. You work hence can afford to pay your way to see her. Relationship is about making sacrifices. Even if it is for a weekend, go over to discuss with her. From what you have said, she is indeed a very honest young lady. With her level of maturity and honesty, both of you should not have any problem whatsoever sorting things out. Besides, you also need to see where she lives as well as the kinds of friends she keeps. Be part of her life now that she needs the presence of her man by her side. One thing is to be in love another thing is to have the chance to build memories. Even if at the end of the day, she insists on going on with her plans to quit, it will be on record that you tried your best to arrest the downwards slide of your relationship. The truth is that every woman wants to be pampered by the man in her life. If you aren’t making the efforts to visit her while you both are in the country, what will happen when one of you is out? One mistake you made was not to go over the first time she asked for a break. Any man who cares so much about his woman would have taken the step of going over to find out what the problem really was. And when you both decided to come back together, you still didn’t think it proper to pay her a visit to seal up any wound the year-long separation may have caused. No matter how mature she is as a person, she is first and foremost a human being and a woman. She may not be able to put her hand on the specifics for now but your seemingly indifference may be the reason for her decision. Seeing her will help both of you dig into the real matter of her falling out of love with you. It isn’t normal. There is clearly something you are both glossing over which you are both ignoring or, which you are both pretending is a normal thing. Good luck.

How do I tell my wife I impregnated our neighbour

With Agatha EdoEmail: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Before I make this confession, let me say this; I love my wife and wouldn’t deliberately do anything to hurt her or our marriage. It is just that I couldn’t control what I am about to share with you. I honestly really didn’t plan for things to happen this way. Downstairs in our block of flat lives this extremely beautiful lady. She is a single mother of a young teenager. I am a full-fledged male. Not that she did anything to encourage me or the other men in our compound but from their looks, anytime she steps out of her flat, I know they all want her as much as I do. She was too put together for me; not the kind of woman, you could easily walk up to but there was this day I was passing and noticed that her meter was emitting smoke. She wasn’t at home, only her young child and the house-help. I had to use the fire extinguisher in my car to control the fire. Since my younger brother also worked with Power Holding Corporation of Nigeria (PHCN), I called him to help rectify the fault. I honestly didn’t have any ulterior motive for doing what I did after all, if I didn’t, the fire would have spread to the whole house. For the first time since she moved into the house, that night she came upstairs to thank me. She didn’t meet me but she left a message with my wife who passed on the message. Since then, she became more friendly towards me. The next time, it was her turn to assist me. My car developed a very sudden fault on the day I had a very important meeting at work. She was also going out at about the same time. Seeing my agitations, she offered to drive me to work. Not only did she drop me at my work in time for the meeting, she also offered to pick me as her office was just a street away from mine. That was how we became close. One thing led to the other and we became an item. Subconsciously I began to compare my wife’s way of dressing to hers. Like I told you, I love my wife but she is always careless with her dressing; not mindful of how a good dress sense can spur a man to action. Although I have always done my best to draw her attention to this obvious flaw in her, she is forever looking for excuses to justify her sudden poor dress sense shortly after she had our two children. I have always liked her cute and fashionable. I guess her decision to attend a different church, Mountain of Fire, made her change from who she was to who she is now, but deep down, I have never failed to mourn the death of her once vibrant dress sense. So, having a woman who knows how to dress with a good sense of fun was refreshingly different from what goes on now in my marriage. I didn’t know how we both got careless. But she is currently four months pregnant. It must have escaped her because she fainted while we were out on a lunch date with some friends. It was in the hospital that she discovered she was four months gone. Without even giving me time to digest the information or ponder over it, she told the doctor, she wanted an abortion. But he declined saying the position of the fetus makes it dangerous for any doctor to attempt an abortion. He also mentioned something about her delicate womb. Two other doctors said the same things. She has decided to relocate to London to have this baby. According to her, she doesn’t want the scandal that will follow if my wife gets to find out. She is also worried about the implication on her own life since her first child’s father is also a married man. I don’t know how to handle this woman as well as my wife. I am not irresponsible to deny my own child as she wants me to. She wants me to forget everything about the child and face my marriage. How can I do that? I may not be the perfect husband but it is simply against anything I believe in to deny a child I contributed to bringing into this world. How do I make a balance between my home and this situation? Albert. Dear Albert, You are the one at the centre of it all. You know your wife more than anybody just as you know what your marriage can and cannot endure. But one thing is for sure; your wife has to be told about this child to prevent your marriage from collapsing when someone else tells her about this child. She deserves to know the truth. Bitter as the truth maybe to her, still she has the right to know because that child will one day come back to look for his or her father. The story won’t be so easy to tell by then and it would cause a lot of problems between you and your wife. This is because the veil of trust between you and your wife would have been seriously damaged beyond repairs. Although, your marriage would be affected significantly by what you have done but, it can still be managed now than when a grown up child walks in to proclaim you as the father. You both still have time now on your side to control whatever injury your indiscretion would cause your wife and family. The fact that you didn’t allow her to hear the story from a third party; would make her listen to whatever explanations you have to offer. When issues become this complex in marriage, the best thing is for the man to tell the truth. Don’t hide behind any excuse; sincerely, such excuses as you gave are for now baseless. This is because you could have insisted on how you wanted your wife to look; going as far as meeting with her pastor and explaining your displeasure at the way your wife is dressing to him. No reasonable pastor would tell a married woman to ignore the desires of her husband because he would be blamed when the consequences come. The truth is that you were afraid to challenge the decision of your wife because you didn’t want to be labeled by the church as a worldly-wise husband. The lesson here is that you reserve the right to dictate what you want in your home. You were clearly not at peace with the decision of your wife to scale down her sense of fashion but you failed to make her see reasons with you. Rather than complain lamely about it, knowing how much you desired that aspect of her, you should have done everything, including telling her the implications on the marriage if she doesn’t at least consider your feelings. Had you done that, she would have had nobody to blame now for this accident but herself because it would be on record that you warned her of your weakness to well dressed women. However, hold on until the other woman has left for the sake of peace. There is no way your wife can endure seeing her without erupting. It will save all concerned the embarrassment of everybody getting involved in your marital problems as well as protect your wife from the knowing looks of some mischievous neighbours and friends. When you are telling her about this situation, tell her what you and the other woman agreed on. Don’t hold back anything from her. Fine tune discussions with the other woman on how you can contribute to the welfare of your child. And let your wife know what your financial contribution to the welfare of the child is. This is to protect you against any antics the other woman may want to display later in life. Above all, this is the time for you and your wife to resolve every outstanding issue in your marriage. It is important to the growth and survival of your union. This is the time to talk frankly about all the matters threatening to pull your marriage apart. To pretend all is well is to destroy this union beyond measure. Good luck.