Dear Agatha,
I think I have not really been able to understand myself, as well as everything happening around me since I became a teenager and adult.
When I was in my third year at the age of 20 I started praying for my husband, hoping that by the time I graduate, I will immediately get married. It didn’t, even after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) and still hasn’t happened. It isn’t as if I don’t get suitors, as a matter fact the problem has always been that of choice.
There is no time, as I have, at least, three men queuing for my attention. All of them were putting pressure on me to accept their offer at the same time. Naturally, I get confused in the process until they all eventually vacated the scene.
I will cry out my head again only for about four men to appear at the same time, making the same request. I again begin the process of thinking of the best among them, and before you know, they will all go again.
Sincerely, I don’t think there is any woman on earth who has the problem of choice like I do.
Agatha, the truth remains I have not really seen what I want in any of these men. The ones that have the outward qualities end up lacking the inner qualities and vice-visa. I don’t know what to do. I have clouded my mind with too many thoughts that I don’t know when God is speaking to me or not.
Please, do you know anything I can do to solve this issue? I am getting depressed. At the moment there are four of them again and I don’t want to miss it again. This is my fourth year after graduation. I have ruled one out the first one because he lacks what I want which is a passion for Christ. The second is that of passion, not educated though he expresses the desire to. And I am not sure of the commitment to Christ of the fourth man. He is educated while his look is a bit okay but far older than me.
Please let God use you to help me. I must not miss it this time. My mind is so noise-filled, I can’t hear God speak, but I know you can. Please, help me before it is too late.
Nnenna.
Dear Nnenna,
I am not sure you are serious about getting married at all, because you seem to have set impossible standards for yourself, which from all indications, an angel would even find difficult to meet.
Before you begin to look for the logs in other peoples’ eyes, let begin from you. How perfect are you? Do you have all impossible things you expect the man who is to grace your life to possess?
If you are indeed right with Christ, you won’t be so confused as to cause yourself this emotional injury. A true born of Christ knows that God is more concerned about what is inside than the outside. How on earth can you find out about a man’s inner beauty without getting close to the person? How can you condemn a man based on his looks and you claim to be Christ like?
If Christ were concerned about what you and I look like, we would never have the chance of redemption. What gives you the impression that you are God’s perfect gift to men? That you have them coming is due to the grace and mercy of God and not on account of you having anything other women don’t have. The secret of life especially for a woman is to make hay while the sun shines to prevent expiration on the shelf.
Unless you want to go through life frustrated, lonely and very confused, you better begin to focus on the important things in life and not those transient things that fade with time.
To help yourself, come down from your high horse and re-evaluate your ideals. Separate what is ideal and achievable, and those simply impossible. To do that is to get it clear that no man is perfect except God. We all come with factory defects and the trick about life is learning to accept that our personal defects make us the original. There are no two people who are alike. That is why even twins don’t have the same fingerprints. The defects you so condemn are what give the men their individualities.
A smart girl would look out for those defects she can best cope with in the man she wants to marry. For instance, what is the man’s level of tolerance, temperament, honesty, attitude towards life and women generally? These are things you get to know by being close to someone. You have to give yourself and a man an opportunity to interact before you can say whether or not he is serious or not. Before making up your mind about anyone, give you and the person a chance of interaction, exchange ideas as well as discuss things inside out.
To have the right answer to your prayers, make the attempt to bury whatever prejudices you may initially have against the person, because if you don’t, you risk seeing only what you want to see and not what you should see. So, you really have to pray for the patience and maturity to handle yourself when these men come.
The men are leaving you because they see a vain and inconsistent person. No man wants to live with a woman who is self-centered. So even if you eventually settle for one, he may not want you, given what he may have seen in your attitude.
In addition, there is also the need for you to ask your pastor to pray for you, because your attitude could be spiritually influenced to ensure you don’t get married at all. Very soon, the high traffic of men interested in you would begin to thin out and eventually scarce enough to make you so desperate to end up with a man you may never be happy with. Your state of confusion may be a camouflage for the real challenge in your life, which only the spirit of God can reveal.
To know the real values to look out for, first pray for the discerning presence of the Holy Spirit, whom you must give full control of your heart to before sitting down to pen down what you really want and not what you think you want in your ideal man. In your interest, look at these men’s inner attributes and not what they look like.
If you allow yourself to be teachable, God will lead you to your happiness.
Good luck.
I think I have not really been able to understand myself, as well as everything happening around me since I became a teenager and adult.
When I was in my third year at the age of 20 I started praying for my husband, hoping that by the time I graduate, I will immediately get married. It didn’t, even after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) and still hasn’t happened. It isn’t as if I don’t get suitors, as a matter fact the problem has always been that of choice.
There is no time, as I have, at least, three men queuing for my attention. All of them were putting pressure on me to accept their offer at the same time. Naturally, I get confused in the process until they all eventually vacated the scene.
I will cry out my head again only for about four men to appear at the same time, making the same request. I again begin the process of thinking of the best among them, and before you know, they will all go again.
Sincerely, I don’t think there is any woman on earth who has the problem of choice like I do.
Agatha, the truth remains I have not really seen what I want in any of these men. The ones that have the outward qualities end up lacking the inner qualities and vice-visa. I don’t know what to do. I have clouded my mind with too many thoughts that I don’t know when God is speaking to me or not.
Please, do you know anything I can do to solve this issue? I am getting depressed. At the moment there are four of them again and I don’t want to miss it again. This is my fourth year after graduation. I have ruled one out the first one because he lacks what I want which is a passion for Christ. The second is that of passion, not educated though he expresses the desire to. And I am not sure of the commitment to Christ of the fourth man. He is educated while his look is a bit okay but far older than me.
Please let God use you to help me. I must not miss it this time. My mind is so noise-filled, I can’t hear God speak, but I know you can. Please, help me before it is too late.
Nnenna.
Dear Nnenna,
I am not sure you are serious about getting married at all, because you seem to have set impossible standards for yourself, which from all indications, an angel would even find difficult to meet.
Before you begin to look for the logs in other peoples’ eyes, let begin from you. How perfect are you? Do you have all impossible things you expect the man who is to grace your life to possess?
If you are indeed right with Christ, you won’t be so confused as to cause yourself this emotional injury. A true born of Christ knows that God is more concerned about what is inside than the outside. How on earth can you find out about a man’s inner beauty without getting close to the person? How can you condemn a man based on his looks and you claim to be Christ like?
If Christ were concerned about what you and I look like, we would never have the chance of redemption. What gives you the impression that you are God’s perfect gift to men? That you have them coming is due to the grace and mercy of God and not on account of you having anything other women don’t have. The secret of life especially for a woman is to make hay while the sun shines to prevent expiration on the shelf.
Unless you want to go through life frustrated, lonely and very confused, you better begin to focus on the important things in life and not those transient things that fade with time.
To help yourself, come down from your high horse and re-evaluate your ideals. Separate what is ideal and achievable, and those simply impossible. To do that is to get it clear that no man is perfect except God. We all come with factory defects and the trick about life is learning to accept that our personal defects make us the original. There are no two people who are alike. That is why even twins don’t have the same fingerprints. The defects you so condemn are what give the men their individualities.
A smart girl would look out for those defects she can best cope with in the man she wants to marry. For instance, what is the man’s level of tolerance, temperament, honesty, attitude towards life and women generally? These are things you get to know by being close to someone. You have to give yourself and a man an opportunity to interact before you can say whether or not he is serious or not. Before making up your mind about anyone, give you and the person a chance of interaction, exchange ideas as well as discuss things inside out.
To have the right answer to your prayers, make the attempt to bury whatever prejudices you may initially have against the person, because if you don’t, you risk seeing only what you want to see and not what you should see. So, you really have to pray for the patience and maturity to handle yourself when these men come.
The men are leaving you because they see a vain and inconsistent person. No man wants to live with a woman who is self-centered. So even if you eventually settle for one, he may not want you, given what he may have seen in your attitude.
In addition, there is also the need for you to ask your pastor to pray for you, because your attitude could be spiritually influenced to ensure you don’t get married at all. Very soon, the high traffic of men interested in you would begin to thin out and eventually scarce enough to make you so desperate to end up with a man you may never be happy with. Your state of confusion may be a camouflage for the real challenge in your life, which only the spirit of God can reveal.
To know the real values to look out for, first pray for the discerning presence of the Holy Spirit, whom you must give full control of your heart to before sitting down to pen down what you really want and not what you think you want in your ideal man. In your interest, look at these men’s inner attributes and not what they look like.
If you allow yourself to be teachable, God will lead you to your happiness.
Good luck.
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