He’s caring, loving but his religion…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your column, which I have found to be very interesting and educative. I am a 31-year-old single mother of one and into a four-year-old relationship with a man who is of a different religion. He has been very caring and loving to me ever since we met after my heartbroken relationship but has no plans whatsoever to marry me.

He has always been opposed to my plans to breakup our affair to enable me build up a serious marriage relationship with other men. Whenever I think of how he sponsored me through my professional studies and other needs it makes me feel sorry for him and deeply attached to him too. I love him so much that I would have only wished we will settle down together as he has all the qualities that a woman needs in a man.

I am a born Christian and can’t convert to Islam, but he loves and care for my son so much that I wish he would be his second father legally. Right now I can’t date any other man because I am not used to double dating and very honest and faithful to my love.

Please I need your advice, help, as I am totally confused. The worst part of it is that he is my colleague and each time I see him my love for him increases. I am so confused.

Ajadou.



Dear Ajadou,

I really understand the confusion deep in your heart. But this man has told you there can’t be a future between the two of you. He may be in love with you, care about you and your son, but has made it very clear that these are all he can offer you – his best for you and your son.

The choice is yours to make. He can’t make you stay if you don’t want to stay. You are still in this relationship because you want to for obvious reasons. It can be very difficult to let a good man such as you have described him go but you have to make the painful choice of continuing with him as his mistress or starting with another man you know can provide you with that thing every woman wants – marriage.

A time would come when this will no longer be enough for you, when you would want all of him, especially on those cold and unfriendly nights or days when only the warmth of a man can dispel all the ugliness of the mood.

It would come to a time too when your son would want more than the quality of attention he is getting from him.

You really have to make up your mind on what you really want because each day you wait depreciates your age. Best to strike when the iron is still very hot because as the days go by, you increasingly make it difficult for you and your son to get a single man who would be willing take on the challenge of being father to another man’s child. Not many young men are ready for that kind of responsibility.

If you make up your mind today to end the relationship, he lacks the authority to stop you. He can only plead with you to stay on but since he has told you he isn’t ready to marry you or you for that matter on account of your religious differences, he would have to let go.

At this point, you must really tell yourself the truth behind your excuses. Is it that he doesn’t want you to really go or that you are afraid you won’t be able to survive without the financial support you are getting from him? Only the can help you at this junction of decision.

It is either you are really afraid of losing the extra income that come from his end or deep down you really care enough to renounce your religion and pursue a lifetime partnership with him.

Whatever your reasons are, be sure you are telling yourself the truth, if you love him enough to discard your religion, let him know that you are willing to stay on whatever his conditions may be. If this is your reason, make sure you have the capacity to endure the loneliness that comes from being a mistress to another woman’s husband.

Even though you didn’t mention whether he is married or not, another woman would definitely be in his life. Be sure you understand the condition of not interfering with his marriage or relationship. Appreciate also that he may not always be available when there is an emergency that requires the strength and presence of a male in your life.

Just be sure you will be contented with the kind of life this man offers you.

However, there is nothing as dignifying as finding your own feet. You have to learn to depend on yourself because a time would come when his affection may shift from you entirely. A man who isn’t ready to marry you won’t ever accept pregnancy from you. He will never encourage you to have a child for him. What do you think would happen to this relationship if you get pregnant by accident? Do you think he would be there for you? Chances are he may not be.

The earlier you took the decision to weather the storm of your life alone the better for you.

Trust me, if this man is destined to play more than his current role in your life, it won’t matter a bit if you are still dating or not. He would always be there to help you; you both will always be friends.

Once you get your perspective to life right, you would know what to do about your current situation.

Good luck.