His attitude isn’t encouraging

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am really ashamed to say this but if I don’t get urgent help, I may not be able to sustain my marriage beyond this point. I really don’t care what your readers would say about what I am about to share with you. I am sure a lot of women in my shoes who want to be honest would understand the premise I am coming from. I have been married for five years and my marriage is blessed with two children. I have always been a serious Christian; never attempted anything until I got married. I wanted to be a good wife and honorable one for my husband. I didn’t listen to the opinion of a lot of my friends who asked this question that I am now asking myself; what happens if the man you are preserving yourself for ends up incompetent in bed and unable to make you happy as a woman? Would you leave him or endure the marriage simply because you want to do the right thing? Back then, I thought my friends were trying to bend my ways to follow their pattern of lifestyle. But, observing all of them today, happy with their husbands, having the best of what marriage offers, I cannot but ask myself this important question why did I, who held on till my wedding night, who wanted to do the right thing is having problems in her marriage? Even though I was naïve back then when it came to actual experience, I was broadminded enough to accommodate everybody’s opinion knowing we are all built differently. When my husband approached me for a relationship, being the most handsome in the school then, I was happy. Overnight, I became something of a celebrity among the many ladies who wanted him but I noticed this particularly group of girls; they made what my friends and I thought were jealous moves. One of them in particular, tried warning me to be careful; to look deeper before committing myself to marrying my husband. I dismissed her. Being from a very rich family, money wasn’t his problem. We got married immediately I finished my national youth service. Being inexperienced, our first night together was a total disaster. It didn’t bother me because I thought it was meant to be like that. Besides, I didn’t notice the size of his manhood or though it was abnormally tiny. There was nothing in my experience to prepare me for what I was about to enter. But over the months, I knew something was wrong with our love life. He was always so clumsy. We didn’t get past the stage we started with on our wedding night. I was beginning to get worried when I discovered I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he didn’t bother to come near me even when I told him what the doctor recommended about frequent intimacy. Being pregnant with twins, I was told it would aid easy delivery during labour. My body was beginning to demand for intimacy and I told him so. When my pressures obviously became too much for him, he abandoned our bedroom. On the few occasions he has agreed to sleep with me, the results were not different from our first time together. I have honestly tried everything, including your advices to others on this same issue but my husband isn’t helping matters. He is resolute in his own ways and is refusing all the help I am willing to offer him on this issue. Now, he says I married him because of his father’s money; drinks and refuses to come home early. Severally, I have been tempted into having an affair but I know I just can’t. With the help of my friend, I got introduced to a vibrator. It has helped me to maintain sanity in my life and prevented me from doing what I shouldn’t do. One night, he came into my bedroom and found the vibrator, since then, he has not stopped calling me names. He says as a good wife, I should be satisfied with the package I have. I have really tried to keep my sanity in the last five years. I told my parents about the problems I was having in my marriage. They are of the view if I can’t cope with the situation again, I should file for a divorce instead of having affairs outside my home. Our pastor on the other hand says marriage is a lifetime commitment. His father who is like a father to me has tried convincing his son to seek medical help. He even offered to pay for plastic surgery to help enhance his manhood but nothing anybody says makes sense to him. As far as he is concerned, his twins are enough fulfillment. I am really fed up of the whole thing. I am in urgent need of your help in this matter. Helen. Dear Helen, I honestly sympathise with you but a lot of things went wrong before you both got married. Whatever issues you are currently having, had to do with your inability to establish friendship with him before you agreed to marry him. You were carried away by your luck at having such a handsome man, the toast of women, come for your hand in marriage. Often than not, women end up having problems in their marriages for failing to go that extra mile during courtship. A woman doesn’t have to be experienced to know those little things to look out for in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. At the time you were dating, you must have noticed some of these flaws in his character. He didn’t just develop after your wedding ceremony; he must have displayed some of his selfish and arrogant disposition back then. If you are truthful, you both were never friends, the kind that shared thoughts, dreams, exchanged jokes or laughed with or at each other. This kind of challenge you have in your marriage can only be managed by two people who are friends, understand the need of the other person and by a man who is willing to submit to the helpful suggestions of his wife. That he has a tiny manhood isn’t the issue here at all rather, the real challenge you are facing has to do with your man’s attitude. Even if he agrees to a plastic surgery aimed at helping him get some inches added, if both of you are unable to friend true friendship, things will continue to degenerate between the two of you. Granted quality sex is a key to being happy in marriage but it is only part of the whole picture of a fulfilling marriage. This is because you cannot spend all your time together making love. After lovemaking, life must continue. The time has come to sit your husband down for a real talk. Hear him out. Listen to his grudges against you. He may really feel he isn’t getting the kind of sympathy he expects from his wife. A man that has his kind of challenge needs a wife who is, understanding because it is both an ego and psychological problem. Telling him everyday he isn’t satisfying you is more than enough to make him become rude, violent and irresponsible. He is reacting in the only ways he knows how due to fear of losing you and exposing himself to the riddle of everybody. Your parents ought to have told you that each marriage comes with its own special baggage and garbage. His attitude is an appeal for help from the woman he married. Rather than nag him, gently get him to open up; especially his worst nightmare. Ask how you can be of help to him; the options he has considered before meeting you as well as the ones you think can help the situation. Let him realise that you are not as bothered about the size of his manhood as much as his attitude towards you and your feelings. Let him know you really care about him more than he knows. You must really show him that you care deeply for his well-being and about his happiness. The fact that you got pregnant and have a set of twins to show for it, shows that he is fertile. It is just a matter of both of you giving your imagination freedom to blossom. No matter the size of a man’s organ, the success or otherwise of lovemaking is more often premised on the kind of imagination a couple has. Oral sex is important here especially if he isnt getting deep enough for you. Using his fingers and tongue, he can bring you to premium satisfaction before he comes into you. Divorce shouldn’t be your first option because there is no telling what challenges you would meet in another relationship. There is nothing, a well-meaning talk between the two of you cannot achieve in your relationship and marriage for that matter. Learn to be patient, be more understanding and supportive of him. This is what marriage is all about. Challenges are compulsory part of marriage. They are designed to take a couple to the next level. Your vibrator isn’t a solution but a major distraction to the real steps you should take in getting lasting solution to your problem. By the time you change tactics, become more of his friend, who isn’t condemning, who has the real desire to help and has the maturity to take whatever comes out of it; he would change. Also you need to pray for help to change those things you don’t like about him as well as yourself. Good luck.